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Last Day I am going on about this!

AshMar654's picture

So after everyone commented on here. I have taken a very hard long look at myself and this relationship with my friend (who I am going to refer to as Lucy). I can see the mistakes that I made and what I did wrong. I can own that.

What I can not do is except the lies she is telling about what I said, I know I didn't. The lie about SS hitting her boyfriend in balls for an hour straight and smashing her nephews face in the chair (that might be true but I think it was then playing around not being mean). If a grown man is letting a kid hit him in the balls for an hour something is wrong with that. I live with this kid and know him, he never does stuff like that. I am not saying he maybe did not get excited playing with the nephew because that sounds like something he would do and SS was going along with it. Why say something now why not say something to me or my SO at the party or tell SS to knock it off. He listens to adults really well. Anyway I know in my gut and my heart that was not true.

In her response to my apology she brought SO's sister into for some reason and she was never mentioned at all throughout this whole thing. She also went on to block me, my SO, and his sister (I really do not know why on this one) all on facebook. I really don't care I am not that big into it. She did not block my mom thought. All so very weird.

I showed my mom the letter to get some feedback as well as Lucy's response. My mom has known her for a very long time, a very long time and they have texted on and off over the years. She said my letter was not horrible but she can see why Lucy would not feel like it was the utmost sincere apology but that her responses were all about her and really just out there. She also thinks that Lucy is jealous I brought my SO's sister with us and I included her, why else even mention her.

My mom I love her I was not thrilled she did this but it is my mother, she showed the letter to a co-worker to get a more impartial person's opinion on everything that was said. If she has asked me I would of told her not to do that. The co-worker did say that my Lucy sounds a little toxic.

SO after everyone's feedback on here and hearing what my mom said and the co-worker who I sort of know but only to say hi quick when I go there. I can own what I did that night and admit my faults. I did apologize to her sister and it was a heartfelt apology. I just apologized for my behavior and mad no excuses for it and did not even mention Lucy in the letter or blame her for anything. As for Lucy I think we are toxic for one another. When I am around her sometimes the worst side of me comes out. While that is on me and I should control it better I think it is time to just cut ties. I should be around people who bring out the good and me and I would hope I do that for them as well, or where we can just be ourselves.

Just wanted to thank you all for the brutal comments they did help me see many errors I made and I will work on. At the same time it also helped to me really look at this relationship in my life. It has caused me many stress over the years and I should not be friends with someone who I feel the moment I say something she does not like it will be war. It happened anyway I know and I caused it but i think the stress of it all and the feelings I was feeling and buried just erupted like a volcano. That is all on me. If someone in my life is making feel that way, truth is it is not worth it. So thank you.

Comments

moving_on_again's picture

I feel like I could have written this same thing about my friend. I really didn't realize how toxic she was. When she got married, I wasn't in the wedding but I drove her around (1 hour each way) to do last minute wedding details and spent hundreds making her wedding what she wanted. She was divorced within two years.

It was my friends and family that finally told me.

I get it. It sucks. Hope you can find peace.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Ash, I also had a horribly toxic, decades-long friendship. It wasn't until the friendship ENDED that I was able to look back and see the toxicity of it. AND it took someone else pointing out to me that the friendship had been toxic for many years.

Often, we hang on to these long-term friendships because of fond memories and what USED to be. Something a mutual friend said about my (our) former friend has stuck with me...
"We WERE friends many years ago, but not now. Like me, he's a different person. If I met him for the first time today, we wouldn't be friends because I don't like who he's become."

Wow, did THAT hit home. *I* didn't like who my friend had become, either, but had stuck by his side all of those years for the sake of, well, all of those years. Had he not been a major arsehole to ME, I would have continued to stick by him. It wasn't until the friendship ended that I found out NONE of my friends liked him. :O

AshMar654's picture

Aniki, I never thought of it like that. We were friends and really good ones in our 20's. Sometimes she is still that same person and I know I am not. I like boring and routine and sitting at a desk doing my job.

Last big blow up we had when I was dealing with a break up, I wanted to hide away in my apartment and be alone and deal. She kept trying and trying to get me out. I just did not want to I know what I need when I am going through things time to myself and walled up in my place with my animals and drinking a bottle a wine while sobbing and reading harry potter. Yeah lame. She did not want to accept this and kept texting my mother how she was just trying to help and how she is worried about me and on and on and on. I read the text messages. My mother knew I was ok and knew what I needed and she just let it be and told Lucy to back off and let me just deal. She didn't back off and that started the whole huge thing back than. She yelled at me a lot. I should have just stayed not talking to her.

Live and learn. This time pretty sure it will stick. Lying about what I said, great go ahead, carrying on about every detail that I apparently did wrong that night sure go ahead. Do not bring others into the argument to fuel your rage and make up lies about SS. That is just beyond low. That pissed me off the most in her response. Bringing in my SO's sister to it who had nothing to do with anything that night. Attack me all you want but not those who are now my family.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Ash, friends can grow apart! It happened to my sister. She texted 'Happy Thanksgiving' to her oldest friend, who replied that she was in town visiting her mother but would not have time to see my sister (who did not ask ANY of that). Sis realized that this is another friendship that has grown apart. If they met today, they would not be friends. However, it is not TOXIC, so she will maintain contact - but that contact will be minimal and Sis will wait to hear from the friend.

It IS sad when this happens, but is sometimes inevitable. I don't WANT to be the same person I was 10-20-30 years ago and I most certainly am not. Heck, I'm not even the same person I was 7 months ago.

Live and learn, indeed. I'm almost 53 and still learning. {{hugs}}

Thumper's picture

If you were my daughter and YOU came to me.

The last thing I would do is hand over a letter addressed to YOU that you asked me to read...passing it to a 2nd party for their opinions. UBER wrong.

Next, IF you were my daughter knowing how I raised YOU, and IF Lucy blocked everyone but ME-your mother- I WOULD BLOCK LUCY asap.

The reason your mom was not blocked by Lucy in my opinion, you mom sided with Lucy. And Lucy feels validated by your mom. Maybe your mom feels validated by Lucy. Either way IT IS wrong.

It is OK to say goodbye to a person as you have decribed in Lucy. I am surprised at your mom, I must say.

AshMar654's picture

My mom is not big on facebook and knows that I really do not care. My mom has not talked to Lucy at all this time about everything. Maybe my mom will block her maybe she won't I really do not care as I just thing it is childish to begin with.

You made me mad I block you. You were mean to my daughter I block you. Who cares it is stupid social media. I just found it funny that Lucy was being a child.

I get what you are saying and I know my mom she just does not think of it as she is like me we mostly have facebook to stay connected with family we no longer live near.

Also I wrote the original letter Lucy responded and I asked my mom her opinion. I do not think that was wrong of me. I wanted feed back.

Acratopotes's picture

arg and you lost the plot totally - this was a personal matter between you and Lucy why did you show the letter to your mother, who showed it to one of her co-workers?

Please deal with your dirty laundry in private, do not involve 3rd parties, if Lucy finds this out she will be angry all over again. She cleared her mind and heart, you apologized, you could've let it go and decided for yourself, the friendship is over.. and then move on