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SD travel Jealousy

Cover1W's picture

OH joy, SD13(stb14) is officially put out that DH and I went overseas w/out her.

She exhibited NO issues with it before we left which was surprising.
Note that this kid travels all.the.time. Within the last year she's been to Hawaii, San Diego, LA, New York and this year may be going to Hawaii again and to Costa Rica (for a high school trip). And she's complaining about us "going without them."

DH let me know yesterday afternoon that he tried showing SD13 a video of his niece, her cousin. She said she didn't want to see them because "I didn't get to go so what's the point?"

I told him that she's just exacting retribution for us going w/out her. I told him that she took the vast amount of chocolate he bought the SDs didn't she? Even though she wasn't there to buy it? Maybe he should think about taking that back.

Of course, he did nothing. I need to learn to say, "um-hmmmmmm." And leave it. Further removal from the situation.

SD13 then brought up at dinner the trip and that the next time we go we HAVE to bring them. I said, because DH clammed up AGAIN, "SD13, your dad and I actually discussed that the next time we go you both will go with us. You have to be patient because it takes planning and is expensive." She seemed ok with that. But she was POd that there was no DATE set for the next trip. I simply re-iterated what I said and looked at DH. The next time she brings it up, and she will, I'm going to simply tell her I'm tired of hearing about it, ask DH. BUT that could cause all sorts of issues b/c he'll say yes to anything! I need to talk with him more about this obviously. Beat it into his head that SDs don't dictate our travel plans, period. (She's actually counting each vacation we take without her - she brought up a local trip we took this summer together, without SDs, and seemed POd about that too). Spoiled brat.

advice.only2's picture

Wow my response would have been:
"Well seeing as this is my money I can choose where and when I want to go and who goes with." "Don't like my answer SD, well then get a job and you can fund your own vacations."

moeilijk's picture

Or the next time she makes a statement about you HAVING to take her on vacation, you can say, "Gee, it sounds like you are taking what I do for you for granted. That makes me feel bad inside and I don't want to do nice things for people who make me feel bad. The next vacation I take I think I'll go with people who make sure I know how much they appreciate what I do for them."

Cover1W's picture

ALL of the above.
I'm memorizing a combo of the above for response.
And you all know, she only whines about it with DH, never alone with me.
And DH usually undermines ANY response I give that indicates nothing is decided.

We got in a big argument about travel this summer b/c he indicated to SD that because we weren't taking her with us that hey, what about FRANCE? SD, you'd like FRANCE. And I lost it. You know, since we hadn't even discussed that at all. I told him if he unilaterally decides to travel with them without discussion/decisions from me then I pay exactly 0% of their travel costs and have 0% responsibility for them while traveling.

secret's picture

"we have to take you? Why, exactly?"

"can you explain why I should spend my money to take you on a trip when you don't treat me very nicely?"

pixielady's picture

After a miserable vacation with SS earlier this year (because of whining about weather, walking, not getting his own way, etc.) I told DH I'm never traveling with SS every again. Why do you have to travel with skids if they are horrible on the trip? I would have told your SD, "Not with that attitude." and laid into her. I CANNOT stay quiet when a child needs redirection or correction. I don't care if DH doesn't like it. If he did it, I wouldn't have to. And to be fair, he corrects most of the time, but there are times he misses it.

notarelative's picture

Vacation whining and teens seem to go together. Bios are not exempt.

My own whined his way through a vacation at the a Grand Canyon. I tell him now that, at the time, I was tempted to push him off the viewpoint.

The next year we vacationed without him.

In my opinion, parents are allowed time without children and children are not entitled to European vacations.

Cover1W's picture

Super, super awesome advice.
I know she'll say something else about it this weekend and I'm gong to shut it down right there. It's gone far enough.

The only complication to our travel there is that it's also to visit family - esp. the next trip which DH wants to do over the holiday season. My response to him was that he needs to start planning that EARLY.

While we were there I did nicely bring up the food issue, the walking, the public transit, the crowds, the exhaustion. SD13, funnily brought up the food issue herself. I told her and SD11 that SD11 would have no issues but she needed to be aware that it's not like the US where there's a plethora of food choices at a meal nor are there substitutions or other options for a plate. You get what you get. She didn't like that answer (yes, she eats like a toddler still).

We also mentioned all the walking. SD13 complains about being SO tired after any exertion (food issues, lack of exercise) and all so said was, "So?" LOL she has no idea. SD11 piped up and said, "I'll bring my sneakers!!!" BTW: SD11 has said boo about anything. She kind of goes with the flow and didn't care one iota we went without her.

oneoffour's picture

We took my grand daughter (10) to New Zealand this past summer for my Dads 85th birthday. She was such a trooper. She even bought one of those big googly eyes stuffed dogs (the Husky one) with money my sisters gave her. They thought it was hilarious spouting off some crap about this is the first time they ever met her and love her so much and wouldn't she like to stay with them. I told my GD10 she would be carrying that dog aaaaallllll the way back to Nebraska. And she did without a whimper.
If she was as awful and demanding as your SD I would have had no problem about leaving her behind in America or NZ for that matter.
When she mentions it again tell her that when she is contributing to the cost of the vacation then she gets a voice. Until then she can pipe down. You decide, not her. Unless she can find tickets for the 4 of you between these dates in these cities for $xxxxxx. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Acratopotes's picture

}:) }:) }:) do you know how you can stop this.....

You and DH plans a get away, SD gets pissed off cause she's not going, fine you will stay at home... (see fake plan a get away)
The next time SD wants to go on a school trip, say NO cause you can't go with them and well when she could not join you and DH you did not go, it's only fair that she can't go now, seeing she has so much input on your holidays and thinks she's your equal she will be treated as such...

Aergia stopped that crap immediately lol....

She flipped if we went out alone for dinner, she flipped if we went strolling on the beach with ice cream without her... when she wanted to go with friends, I flipped cause I could not go

RST's picture

'and thinks she's your equal'

Just these words explain the issue behind some of my negative thoughts towards SD14, she thinks she's both equal & entitled, last weekend she asked SO how much he'd be spending on her first car...& he told her!!!!! I think my eyes rolled into the back of my head, talk about fuelling the fire :jawdrop:

Cover1W's picture

DH doesn't know when to NOT tell her something either.
I had to be very specific with him that he could tell the SDs that I was promoted, but NOT that I got a raise. Nope, not info they need to know.

Cover1W's picture

LOL - but the thing is with us, she doesn't go anywhere.
But I suppose I could make a big fuss that I'm not invited to her birthday sleepover.
Then again, she doesn't mind if we do things LOCALLY without her, just travel outside of town.
I'm planning a birthday weekend for myself in Jan, with DH only of course. So we'll see how she reacts that that trip next. }:)

Cara1128's picture

My eyes just rolled so loud I think I oke the hubs lol
Really...dads finances are none of your beeswax!

Cover1W's picture

WELL. There's an update.
DH wanted to take them overseas this winter, for the holidays - he misses the holidays there with his extended family. However, it's one of the most expensive times to go. He talked with his sister who, surprisingly, discouraged the trip - bad weather...what are you going to do for 2 weeks? SDs will hate the snow, hard to get around, cold, etc...

So he decided on this summer instead.
The other most expensive time of year to go.
I looked up some prices and he was astounded. Hey, it's for FOUR people, height of tourist season.
Says he wants to go for two weeks. I laughed, and said, "No way am I going to be with SDs for 14 days straight." He's like, why not? "Are you kidding? Do YOU want to be with them, sharing a room, for 14 days in a row, with no break? Really? I'd say 10 days, TOPS." He says, well, maybe then 10 to 14 days. I stop talking.

So things go on, he gets irritated with SDs (see my more recent blog posts if you want) and now he's called it off. 100% off! He told me he doesn't 1) think they are ready or would appreciate it 2) their attitudes toward him stink and he's done with that 3) it's too much to spend on them since SD14 is getting a special trip this year already and 4) we'll go this summer on a short local trip only because in reality we don't have the need or the funds for a big vacation.

YES. I didn't have to lead him into this decision at all! Just sit back, disengaged.

Now I am moving forward with some household projects and bill pay-off since I won't have to spend $ on travel. I'd love to go for myself, but we also need to think smart.

jct918's picture

Awesome! I wouldn't even agree to a long weekend with SO's 14 year old daughter, never mind TWO of them!!! 10-14 days would be a special kind of hell/torture.
Glad he came to the realization on his own - that's the best way.
Cheers!