Summer Vacation, alone?
Note: this is an older issue, but I do refer to it in future blogs, so I’ve just included it here.
We had plans for at least a year to go on a 3-4 week trip to Europe. SD11 wants to go to England. SD11 and SD9 are in no way ready for an international trip. 1) lack of patience 2) incredibly picky eaters and I won’t travel with them to new places more than 3 days at a time 3) no rules/ramifications. I’ve said no way will I travel with them overseas until they are at least two years older AND eating more normally. I will not have to go to 4 different restaurants before finding somewhere they will eat. They don’t get that choice any longer.
Well, we had the dates set and were getting ready to purchase plane tickets. That day, DP tells SDs. I get a text that morning.
DP: ...can we talk about the summer plans? I’m concerned about the girls.
Me: WTF? So I tell him to call when he can. Bet they had a meltdown. Note: Each summer THEY go away with BM for 3 WEEKS to the east coast. No DP. THAT’s apparently OK. But if WE go away...? I’m going to be really, really pissed if he cancels this due to princesses.
DP: Doesn’t call at lunch, but “Can we talk about travel plans this evening?” Hookay. Great.
That evening...vacation on Hold
Yep, SDs Freaked Out after DP told them we were going on this trip. Like shook him up freaked out. They were crying and yelling that he was taking me and not them and that I’ve “ruined everything” in their lives. At least DP can tell me this and we can discuss it without too much anger.
I brought up to him that he can’t let SDs control what he does in HIS free time. They would be with BM for this half of the summer anyway, with little contact with DP. So it’s not like he’s cancelling any plans on them at all. I still maintain they are NOT ready for a Europe trip and re-iterated this to him. “No, DP, it’s not JUST about their food problems (which is significant); it’s about maturity level, independence, being able to have ME make decisions and institute some sort of order when they are acting up (not able to do so now without melt-downs). “ DP shakes head in exhaustion.
His alternate plan was first to somehow convince BM to take a magical European trip herself, to Switzerland to visit friends; because one of SD9 old friends lives there. Then we could go to England, then somehow get SDs to meet BM in Switzerland, then we continue on our trip. I acutally LOL’d at this and said, “BM will NEVER go for this!”
Next thing is DP called his sister in England and told her of the problem and of his plan. She and I get along very, very well and she said basically the same thing I did 1) you can’t please everyone all the time and people, especially KIDS, need to learn to deal with disappointment and 2) BM will never do it.
So DP presented the plan to take SDs with us to England, and then fly them back home on a direct flight with child-assistance. I accepted this plan as a concession. BUT I think it’ll never work. SDs are not mature or independent enough to travel w/out DP or BM. And BM will likely not go for it again. 3 days later he still hasn’t heard back from BM and tickets are not purchased. I’ll be surprised if we end up going at all. He is concerned for the mental health of the SDs. Which I think is playing into their hands.
FYI: Trip was called off but not for SDs reasons. More on that later.
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Comments
I'm so sorry for you. I
I'm so sorry for you. I would be so mad at DP if he did this to me. SDs need to learn that not everything is about them and cancelling the trip is just feeding that belief even more.
I hope your DP comes to his senses and you are able to still go.
The worst part about this is
The worst part about this is the lesson the SD's learned. "If we throw a fit, scream & cry - daddy will do WHATEVER we want"
Yes, exactly. SD11 is
Yes, exactly.
SD11 is particularly good at this.
The trip was called off, but luckily not for SD reasons. That will be explained in another post.
HOWEVER, DP needs to explain to them why it was ACTUALLY called off/postponed so they don't think it was due to their actions. We'll have that discussion with them tonight or tomorrow.
Why did he even tell the
Why did he even tell the skids about this? They shouldn't have veto power over his time without them.
People go on vacation without their kids all the time. In my first marriage we went on an overseas trip without our kids. They were too young to enjoy touring European historical sites as they had no background to put any of it in context. One was at Scout camp. The younger went with my brother who had a child his age. We just told them to have fun while we were gone. End of story.
There's no way I'd take them even if BM agreed. The food issue alone would make me not want to take them anywhere. Even if the menu indicates it's a food you enjoy at home, on vacation it may be prepared differently and the taste may not be exactly the same. You need some food flexibility if you are going to travel. And I am not going from restaurant to restaurant in a strange city to find your preferred food.
As to his plan to fly them back with child assistance, has he even checked into this? Airlines restrict the flights this is available and it can be costly. And if I were BM I'd never go along with this. Of course, if I were BM I'd tell my kids they were too young and that they could go to Europe when they were older and more mature (and could pay for it by themself).
H also needs to check into what paperwork needs to be done to take a child whose parents are divorced out if the country. I believe that there is specific government paperwork designed to prevent a parent leaving the country in a custody dispute.
LOL - exactly! I've told him
LOL - exactly!
I've told him on ANY kind of trip we take them on he gets to sit with them and deal with their behavior, I will not be doing so. I will walk away from the situation. We have a trip scheduled already to see my family during spring break, so he gets to handle them EXCEPT at my sister's house; in which case my sister and I are absolutely, 100% in charge. }:)
Spoiled Brats = YES. I was
Spoiled Brats = YES.
I was planning a trip alone, but DP came around and we're now planning a trip together, W/OUT SDs, just not to Europe due to other things that came up.
Why do these men think its
Why do these men think its healthy to revolve their lives around their kids when they have remarried/in new relationship?! :jawdrop: By all means if they want to do this then stay single, but dragging your new partner around like a doll is disrespectful and wasteful...you only get one life so bloody well live it. Its also extremely unhealthy to teach your kids they can run your lives and unrealistic because what self entitled, spolit, selfish shits are they going to become? They will always think they can run other peoples lives while they are at the centre. Its unattractive and these types of people are never really happy, as they always want more, always want to be number one and have unrealistic expectations. Setting them up to fail!
Ofcourse no child is going to be happy to hear they are missing out on fun vacations but so long as they are included in the stepfamily and not shunned, plus they are themselves not missing out (sounds like they really arent given they are going on vacation anyway) then its something they have to adapt to! Their parents sre divorced and sometimes its not possible for them to
be included in every damn thing, and nor should they! What makes it more difficult is if dad has failed to parent them effectively, meaning their out of control behaviour makes the vacation a nightmare. That is on the parents, not the stepparents!
I remember how peed off my skid was when dh and I took a 30th birthday holiday trip to disney in florida (which I paid for). Tbh we didnt mention it to ss until just before because I knew both ss and bm would throw a fit about how awful we are, how upset ss was...bm likes to,forget about the fact when we have tried to take ss to even see family a few hours away for a couple of days she arranged things purposely so we would be forced to cut short the trip, she kept ringing asking if ss was "sure" he didnt want her to get him, we couldnt pick him up until late pre trip either and this ended with dh and I having a massive argument as he was equally wrong in allowing her to control the long weekend which really offended and upset my family! So like hell was I going to risk having to personally fund a trip bm would pull the plug on and not to mention that ss was sooooo immature for his age as he got treated like a baby, would cling to dh like a limpet, ignore me, act like a spoilt brat which dh refused to parent and I would be ignored by dh as it become 100% the ss show. Joy. I literally had to drag dh on the holiday as he would feel guilty, comstantly harp on about missing ss or how ss would love this/that and the argument this would cause because dh would be pissy. Lets just say it was a make or break hol and I nearly divorced dh over the fact he nearly ruined the hol with his attitude (it took me several years to save for the vacation)!