Follow up to Yesterday!
I was tipsy that night and not do not remember every detail of that I said. Apparently she claims I said she would be an "unfit mother".
I am almost certain I never said that. I would not say that to anyone ever. That is a really horrible thing to say.
The last huge fight we had several years back to claimed I said many things that I never said. I am thinking it is time to let this friendship go.
She says I was disrespectful to her family, yes that night I was totally and have even admitted that to her sister. I think she is saying overall in general I have been, does not make sense to me at all because if I was that bad as she says, why was I still invited to their home and asked if they could borrow chairs. Given furniture by her sister and I offered over and over again to give her something in return. Also they offered to let me have my wedding there. Not anymore I get that but she made it sound like this has been going on for months.
She also said I was disrespectful to my SO's family. I would vent to her like I do on here about them but I never once openly disrespected them. Had some difference of opinions. Most generally I just would vent here about stuff and not bring it up to them. She has never been around me and my SO's family except at the housewarming party. Can someone tell me how she can say that when she has never been around.
I am really trying so hard to make sense of all this. I was tipsy and yes everyone I get it do not drink, I know. I was not to the point where I did not remember things.
She said I walked in that night like I owned the place with my SO's sister. I asked if she could come along before we went because she was spending a few nights with us. She was admiring the house and I asked if it was ok if I showed her the upstairs and they said it was ok. I know they usually show people the house but they were busy entertaining so I asked if it would be ok.
Sorry so long I just really do not understand. I can see my mistakes and admit when I am wrong. She telling me I need to find a better balance with everything and becoming involved in SS's life. I know that and I am trying she is not around to see they things I am trying to work on. She says her whole family thinks I have a chip on my shoulder. I do not think that it has been hard yes. I do not have anyone in my life who has been through what I am going through. I do not know any other stepmoms other than my aunt who is much older than me. None of my friends because they are still married and have bi children or none at all. How much can I take from what she says about me as truth? I have struggled and made mistakes and trying really hard. I want to take what she says as some value but she lies about what I said that night. To be honest she has never had a kid in her life day in and day out. Am I asking too much for some people who claim to be my freinds to just have some understanding or be patient.
Again so sorry for the rant. I guess I am was worse at this whole parent thing than I thought. Sorry that was poor me. Just hurt and really lost now.
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Ash, I'm going to try and say
Ash, I'm going to try and say this in the nicest most straightforward way possible. Have you noticed a trend here? You have ongoing issues with your SO's family, you have on going issues with your friend and her family. I suspect you don't have a whole lot of close friends? No matter where you go there you are. Ya know? You are the common denominator in the drama. I honestly think that you really might benefit from some self reflection... not necessarily HOW you treat others... as I think that you mean well. But it's the way that you come across to others that I think causes all the drama and hard feelings.
Just from reading your posts here, you seem to be very controlling, very opinionated, and very judgmental. Again, I don't think that you mean to be. I think YOU think that you are swooping in and "helping" but others are not seeing it that way.
Just my opinion for what it's worth
I agree with you Daizy. Ash
I agree with you Daizy. Ash you need to reach a point of do you need to be right? Or do you want to be happy.
The problem is that the vast
The problem is that the vast majority of problems we deal with are directly result of our own actions.
My EX was also the guy that couldn't get along with people at work and was also very arrogant and a braggart. Gosh, do ya think people really want to hear that you make more than them when you are not half the employee they are? Do ya think they will stop helping you... perhaps? just maybe?
He convinced me we had to move to silicon valley in ca... because that would be where he would blossom in the tech world. Guess who did well? Guess who got fired from multiple jobs in one year.. only one guess now. He was the same guy THERE that he was back home and his problems followed him. His zip code didn't change his habits or personality.
Seriously this is my SD20.
Seriously this is my SD20. Since she was 14 she has flipped and flopped homes SEVEN times.. left BM's twice, got kicked out of our house twice, went and lived with a friend for 3 months and left there, then went to live with Aunt J the minute SD graduated, Aunt J wanted her gone (well she wanted her gone long before that, but she stuck it out) Then SD got an apartment with her boyfriend, August 1, and 6 weeks later, they are broken up and both stuck in a lease until June 2018. When the hell do you look at yourself and realize that maybe, just maybe YOU are the problem? Ugh, she drives me bonkers. Just want to shake her and maybe rattle something in her brain!
You are describing my friend
You are describing my friend as well. She had a great job at one point got fired and it was everyone was on a witch hunt for her. Next job she kept and finished was on a tour. Next tour got fired part way through because everyone was out to get her. Next job she got fired and it was not her fault. She has had relationship issues with her sister and gone periods of time not talking to her. Has blamed her sister every time they had a fight and did not talk.
She went through multiple room mates in college because they could not live with her again not her fault. She will claim she knows she has issues and cry about them and say she gets it from her mother. She blames her mom for many things wrong in her life. Claims that her whole family judges her and would not understand her and do not get her. All not her fault.
She complains of being broke and not having money, yet she takes trips all the time and apparently they were doing drugs. Again not her fault. She has had multiple car accidents and still not her fault any of them.
You're talking about the
You're talking about the friend that you want to make up with and want to save the friendship?
Yeah, I know it sounds really
Yeah, I know it sounds really screwed up. All her drama has not really affected me that much. I usually just ignore it and move on and just say that is her. I do not bail her out or enable her. I just usually say it is her life.
Even the last blow up did not really effect me that much I lived further away at the time. I was doing my own thing and I myself was going through a shitty break as was she and we did not talk for a while. I also know during that time he sister was barely talking to her and they all thought she was on some serious drugs and asked me a few times and I always said no. I knew she wasn't at the time.
Majority of it all has been a pretty great friendship, so I thought.
Well you write 2 blogs about
Well you write 2 blogs about your fight with her and your friendship with her and you don't understand why she's mad and she said you have a chip on your shoulder/judgemental and then you respond to a comment in your blog about your friendship with her, basically judging her and making her seem like a irresponsible bad person overall :? :? :?
Like the first opportunity you have to make her like bad you did.
I get why she is mad. I also
I get why she is mad. I also know I did not tell her should would be unfit or unsuited to be a mother. One I do not really talk like that. I would never say that to anyone or about anyone. I have no room to say that.
I was just trying to say I got what they were saying because I have seen that with her.
You admit you called her
You admit you called her unreliable in the midst of your back and forth. It is not a far stretch for her to feel as if you called her unfit to be a mother because she is unreliable..since the whole thing that started all of this was over how she was supervising her nephew.
Now, in the end, this relationship may not be worth salvaging. From one of your responses here, she seems to have a lot of qualities you do not admire and a lot of problems. Quite frankly, I would not want to be friends with someone with so many problems that they weren't trying to fix.
As far as your wedding is concerned, simply tell your SO that you will not be having a maid of honor or bridesmaids.. you prefer none. If he wants to have a groomsman so that he can have a bachelor party or whatever.. have at it... but that you want it to be just you and him in front of the officiant. In fact, just have his son stand up as a joint attendant for you both?
Then let all these poor women off the hook. They don't want to do all that stuff.. but they don't want to be excluded. If there is no thing to be excluded from.. no hurt feelings.
Oh I admit it. I can see why
Oh I admit it. I can see why she felt that way. I never said it and I never thought it that whole night. As far as I know she did not even want kids. I never put her in a realm of being a mom or having children.
I guess I have a soft spot for people with a lot of issues. We have a lot of history.
I like the idea of his son standing up. I am so ok with that.
Thank you for being a voice of reason and being some brutal. I know what I did wrong I really do. I think with her it would not matter what I did or said she will just stay mad. Hell the person she was a maid of honor to before they do not talk at all anymore. My friend wrote her off because all she got was a gift card and like a little present like all the other bridesmaids after the wedding was all over. My friend got falling down drunk at this wedding (she told me) and shot a firework at the guests by accident. I was on the brides side on this one.
Ash, I also see you wanting
Ash, I also see you wanting to control the message. But even here, you in one breath say you "don't remember every detail" yet "weren't so drunk you couldn't remember what you said". I think that the bottom line is that you did have enough to drink that you were more than buzzed. You can't clearly remember what was said.
Daizy's observations are also very on point.
Well I think this friend
Well I think this friend might be harsh but she is also honest. And she notices in real life what we notice on this forum.
Saying that you’ll have the same issue in other venues. If you don’t look into it. II don’t think your issues have anything to do with “parenting”. I really don’t know why you say that.
Your issues are clearly with not making the best decisions yet insisting that you are always right simply because that’s how you do things or because that’s what you think and you kind of defy logic here. And ton of double standards too.
Your friend doesn’t need to see you being disrespectful to SOs family. She can see it by what you share. If you share with her what you share here then it’s obvious you aren’t respectful of them.
You also judge people on things you do yourself! As well as contradict yourself. I still can’t get over how you claim SS aunt is a drunk yet alcoholi is such a big part of yours and SOs life. You went on vacation and both were drunk so bad that he was pouring drinks on random people and you had a fight with him because of it and you poured his drink out. Then you are so intoxicated at Thanksgiving dinner (?)!that you cause a fight and don’t even remember what you said. And it’s all ok because you drink wine every day (if you drink daily then you need increasingly more to get drunk enough to act out, so obviously you didn’t have one drink).
Clearly alcohol consumption causes fights in your life and SOs life yet it’s issue when it’s aunt drinking but not you. If alcohol is such s big part of your life style then why judge aunt? Just because she fell down drunk but you were standing doesn’t make it much different.
If we people on anonymous site see it, so do people in real life.
You might benefit from therapy figuring out how to get along with others. Or maybe get better role models to look up to.
If the majority of your
If the majority of your altercations, big or small, are happening after having even just ONE drink, you need to reconsider your alcohol habits. That's a dangerous line to tow.
I have a friend who said I
I have a friend who said I was her only true friend. Then she accused my husband of grabbing her butt. I was there, it didn't happen. Actually what she claimed was physically impossible the way she described it. She seriously wonders why she has no friends.
Are you mocking me?
Are you mocking me?
No, I am saying that you
No, I am saying that you can't keep saying that everyone else is the bad guy.
I didn't meant to mock at all.
But I would have stopped being your friend when you kicked me out of the wedding.
Kicking someone out of a
Kicking someone out of a wedding is a pretty low blow. One of my good friends was super scared I was going to get mad at her because she didn't have me in her wedding, she only had a maid of honor, and that was her sister. LOL. I was like, no, that's great, I don't have to spend $400+!
I wish it would have been
I wish it would have been that easy with this friend. I always said I did not want a bridal party. Eventually I said ok but I am not picking a maid of honor. I never had a choice in not including her and picking someone else over her. I have no sisters. Even then she still would have been upset.
I can honestly say it was a really low blow and I should never have done that. No matter what unless I we had no bridal party no matter what I would have done, even picking a close cousin over her, it would have blown up in my face at some point. I was trying to convince SO to not have any bridal party just so I would not have to deal with it.
She was upset that the last wedding she was in she did not get to go dress shopping with the girl, she was the maid of honor. She was so busy working out of town I do not think she could have made it.
When I finally agreed I wanted to go shopping, I told her I want to go around this time. Her response was I am not sure I can do that I have to check my schedule. It might not work. OK...... I would be flexible but she is like never around these days even her sister has commented on that. I really wanted her sister to come too cause she has really good taste but I know if last minute my friend could not come yet her sister was still there, that would have been an issue. Even if I invited my other really close friend of 16+ years, which is the plan, and say this friend could not make it, would have been an issue.
I was going to tell anyone who was in it here is a color go buy your own dress. I hate making anyone spend money cause of me.
That's a lot of issues. I
That's a lot of issues.
I don't know, I think we just think differently. First off, if I wanted no bridal party, which I didn't have one, I would have stuck to my guns to prevent all this drama. It sounds like you knew there was going to be drama but let it happen anyway.
My SO wants the whole
My SO wants the whole groomsman and everything. He is the one I am caving too as it is his wedding too. I really just want the courthouse. I am not one for weddings and really do not want all the attention on me. It makes me uncomfortable.
I had an idea of what would happen even voiced my concerns here and there. People reassured me it would be bad. I kept trucking along. I did not know what else to do. I really didn't. Like I have said I say a lot on here and come off really head strung and my way or no way. I'm not.
Oh, I thought you meant the
Oh, I thought you meant the friend wanted you to have the bridal party.
That sucks that you don't have reliable friends.
My one other really good
My one other really good friend I can rely on her, call her susie. She knows this friend, say lucy, too. We all went to high school together. They are not friends. at all. Lucy has mocked susie over the years a little not much as we got older, no susie does not know I do not tell her. I tell Lucy to stop when she does it and that Susie is my friend and I like her. When I told Susie, I am not picking a maid of honor. She knew why and was good with it all.
My one cousin, only by marriage she is my step-dads niece offered to be in the wedding and help me out. I was going to ask her anyway, so it made me laugh when she said she would do it. She is pretty great we took a wine trip together and will be taking another one soon. I do have some people I can count on.
My SO's sister and I have been getting along really well and I am working on building a really good relationship with her. That was thanks to most people on here.
I think you should just cut
I think you should just cut ties with Lucy. She sounds like a disaster.
You are probably right. Just
You are probably right. Just hard to throw a 16 year friendship away.
It was hard breaking it off
It was hard breaking it off with that girl of seven years. However, when I confronted her about her lie, she sent me one of the worst text messages I have ever gotten. Really bad. Said a lot of stuff about me that is no where close to true as in I never listened to her problems. All she had was problems and I listened and listened and listened.
Then she blasted stuff about me being fake and a bad friend on Facebook. Mutual friends screenshot it and sent it to me. I had enough by that point. No one could believe she would say that stuff about me. I haven't spoken to her since. She moved a state over because she "had no friends here." Uh, I wonder why! The dumb part is, when she did that on Facebook, of course people were asking why and I told them the truth. Every single one of them said, "Oh, I knew she was like that, I never knew how you two stayed friends." Sigh. I am so naive sometimes.
And, she did it all for attention.
Kinda sounds like my friend.
Kinda sounds like my friend. She had no real close friends left. It is hard because I was really close with her sister too. I know her sister is mad but I do not think she thinks that badly of me. She even says she knows how her sister is. The two of them go hand in hand and that is just the way it is.
Such as life. Just hard. Thank you.
Her behavior might be due to
Her behavior might be due to drug abuse. My OSD acts hot and cold all the time, she’d call people worst names and then be best buddy next day. She did heavy drugs. It messed her brain up. My DH and YSD never know what to expect as her behavior is unpredictable. Sounds like your friends
My best friend got all
My best friend got all Bridezilla and wanted me to step down from my maid of honor duties because I would be giving birth to my baby 3 weeks before her wedding. She didn't think I would be able to "fulfill" my duties.
I ended up being in the wedding after we had a LONG talk. She really is a great gal and friend but she REALLY got caught up in having the perfect wedding and everything.
I am so glad I just went to
I am so glad I just went to the courthouse. I don't think I could deal with it.
I was a maid of honor and the bride's mom was adamant I tan. I don't tan. I didn't tan. The bride was fine with it. People do tend to lose their minds. That was an at least $30K wedding where the mother of the bride got her fairytale. Good thing she paid for it all, too.
Wtf how can people demand
Wtf how can people demand someone gets a tan????
It's not only that....like I
It's not only that....like I seriously don't tan. I burn and go white again. I wasn't about to damage my skin for this lady. My friend know her mom was being ridiculous. To this day she says she wishes she could have had a wedding she could actually enjoy instead of feeling like she was performing for people. Thankfully, that marriage is still going strong.
You really seem to be
You really seem to be overthinking this. Either you know in your gut that this is a good friendship or this friendship has run its course. And perhaps a little more introspective on your part will be of service to you.
If you have such low and
If you have such low and negative opinion of her (and she might be truly that horrible), why are you friends? I see no need to be friends with people I think low of. We don’t choose family but we choose friends. Find better friends.
Thanks, It is hard to let go
Thanks, It is hard to let go sometimes. It is is like breaking up with a boyfriend, kinda. Feels that way a little. Guess I just needed to vent it all out and get some strength and perspective from all the wonderful people on here. You all really do help me.
You don't have to pick an
You don't have to pick an honor attendant. You don't have to have any attendants. You can have SS have whatever part of the wedding you wish.
But, depending on where you live, you may need an adult or two to sign as witnesses if you want your marriage to be legal. (Here honor attendants sign.) At a courthouse they have people (strangers to you) who do this. Other places people usually provide their own witness(es). You can choose you witness, or do a lottery among the guests, or .... You can do whatever you wish, but you need to make a decision about who will sign in advance.