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Guilty Dad Syndrome

strugglingSM's picture

I've posted here several times about how my SSs have a tendency to not do homework. Last year, we went to the mid-year conference and found out that neither child handed in much homework. Before that point, DH had not seen any report cards (they had the correct mailing address for him on file in the office and kept telling them we mailed them, but we never received any, even after going to parent conferences). He decided that he was going to call both boys daily to check in on homework and work with them on it, via phone. At first, BM told him he was "being intrusive" and encroaching on her time with the kids, but really, she didn't want to work on homework herself, so she stopped sending him angry texts. The last term of the year - the term when DH (and I, in many cases) were working on homework via phone, was the only term where both boys had passing homework completion grades.

At the end of last year, I managed to get DH his own account on the online parent portal, so he can now check on homework himself (or rather, I can check on homework). He started off the year by calling his kids to ask them about homework. They would rarely answer the phone, but would sometimes text back. They always told him they had no homework.

I looked at the portal early in the year and one of them already had an F in a core class. I told DH and he texted BM to say, "we need to have consequences for poor grades. our boys need to learn to work hard." BM replied and told him he was only saying that because he hated her and because *my* standards were too high for their children. She was an excellent mother and I just needed to realize she cared about their education.

Some backstory, BM sent me a email through a social media platform asking for my help in how to "motivate her children to learn". I ignored it, because we are not connected on social media and because I also knew that if I gave my honest advice (namely, that the way to motivate kids to learn at home is to require it, that her boys needed a homework routine at home, that they needed a quiet space to work on homework, that they needed consequences if homework wasn't completed, etc - all those things would be perceived by her as either insulting her or insulting her kids). This is the same woman who told her whole family that I was trying to take her kids away from her, told DH that I "might be a child abuser", and has moved her kids multiple times between teachers in the middle of the year because the teachers were either "mean to her" or "too strict".

Recently, BM has told DH several times that special snowflake SS feels "sad" that DH isn't proud of his hard work. No matter that his highest grade is a B+ in PE (he does not have an A, because he has not completed any of his PE homework assignments) and that his low grades are due to missing assignments. So, really is he working hard? The other one has a D+ in Language Arts, again, the grade is because he has several missing assignments.

Previously, BM told DH that SSs can't do well in school because they "feel pressure" because DH told him that *I* got all As and they feel like they just can't achieve that. Well, of course, you can't get all As if you don't do your work.

In addition, special snowflake SS also always pouts whenever the subject of grades comes up. He thinks DH should overlook his lack of effort in most of his classes in exchange for that B+ in PE.

Recently, I've noticed that DH has totally backed off...almost given up on school work. Last Thursday, there were parent conferences. It's middle school, so they're arena style, not scheduled. I told him when they were and asked him if he was going and he said no.

I do wonder if part of the problem is that I told him recently that I needed to back off on school work. I've helped both boys with homework, made sure they took it home with them after their weekends with us, and even reminded them to hand it in and it still doesn't get handed in. I told DH that I can't overcome the fact that they live in a home where their mother doesn't care and thinks that they only reason their grades are terrible is because "they struggle in school".

I've already told DH that I'm not interested in spending one penny on college for someone who does not try at all. I'm not looking forward to the fights with DH when he wants to help them or the demands from BM about how DH just has to pay (we also live in a state where a child can sue a NCP who refuses to pay for college) because otherwise, he doesn't care about his kids.

In other guilty dad news, yesterday, I pointed out to DH that every time after SSs leave the gaming controllers are strewn on the floor and trash (including pieces of a lollipop) is also strewn about. I didn't say it in angry way, but reminded him that I had said that if they weren't put away (in a basket, literally two feet from where the controllers are strewn), that they would disappear. Since they disappeared once and were searched for and found, they still have never been put away. DH responded by acting as if I was being ridiculous and he couldn't understand why I couldn't just pick them up if they bothered me. I told him, "it's not as if I expect your kids to scrub the toilet. why should I be expected to pick them up because they can't?" He essentially gets defensive and shuts down the conversation every time I even expect minimal effort from his children. Nothing like just leaving something like that simmering under the surface. If they want to make a mess in their own rooms, fine, but I draw the line at messes in common areas, areas where I might invite guests.

I'm sorry my husband feels guilty about his divorce, but ultimately, that's on him. I don't want to tip toe around his precious cherubs, forever. They're now old enough that they can put in minimal effort to be members of our household. I don't make them vacuum or wash dishes or even do their own laundry, but I do expect them to pick up their own trash and put things back where they found them. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Comments

Stepped in what momma's picture

You're nicer than me because I do expect my skids to scrub the toilets they piss on.
Make sure they don't find the controllers again.

strugglingSM's picture

DH put them away this time, but if I go in on Sunday evening and they are thrown on the floor, they will go away in a special hiding place that only I will know about.

I make DH scrub the kids toilet...although I have to check it once in a while because he doesn't always clean it.

ntm's picture

Step away from the parent portal! Unless you are just looking for a good chuckle. You cannot care more about his kids and how they turn out than he does.

strugglingSM's picture

I know...I care more about school than either BM or DH at this point. DH cares more than BM, but he's lazy about it. BM makes excuses and says that both kids struggle, but one doesn't really have disabilities, he just has laziness. The other one does have working memory issues, but BM hasn't realized that, so any "help" he gets at school is not targeted and not reinforced at home.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Disappear for me means in the trash. No searching necisarry because they no longer exist... That being said. Way to hold your ground!!! You're doing great!!! My DH has the guilt too... Which frustrates me because the divorce wasn't his fault... He tried... The ex was sleeping around though... Sooo... only so much you can do there... It gets frustrating!!! Especially when he's siding with someone else and you just want to yell "I'M YOUR WIFE DANGIT! TAKE MY SIDE! OR AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOU'RE LISTENING TO WHY IM SAYING WHAT I AM." So I understand. You got this! Just hold your ground and hope he gets it soon!

strugglingSM's picture

If it was anything else, I'd probably throw it in the trash, but since we paid good money for those controllers, I can't bring myself to trash them...maybe I'll feel differently later.

Yeah, in my case, DH should never have had kids with BM. He thought kids would "make their relationship better". I had to keep myself from laughing when he said that. He wanted to stay married even though he was miserable. When we had struggles early on with BM's drama, he told me "I deserve to be happy, too. I won't let her ruin this." But the same could go for his kids. He shouldn't let his daddy guilt over the fact that his kids come from a broken home or that he didn't fight for 50/50 drive a wedge into our marriage.

If he deserves to be in a happy adult relationship, he needs to make sure he's working to make that adult relationship happy and that means not acting as if his kids are helpless.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I might keep the controllers. You can't pick them up? Guess I just got myself a wicked new gaming system }:)

Also that sounds like my DH's reason for having SD4 when BM had been cheating the whole time already. So SD8 wouldn't have to play alone and because maybe BM would learn to take care of them if she had one while older and more mature. Lmao. SD8 doesn't know how o kid half the time because she had to take care of SD4 because BM wouldn't when DH wasn't home... and she DH was home he took care of them... got to the point whenever DH was deployed they'd have to move in with MIL ad FIL to be sure the kids were actually taken care of...

lieutenant_dad's picture

Not trying to be mean when I say this, but your DH is no better than BM.

Sure, he has put in *slightly* more effort than her, but my guess is that he did that mostly to appease you and because you make him feel like he can be a good dad. However, as soon as the work got tough and his input wasn't working, he gave in.

His kids are learning to be lazy and defensive from both Mom AND Dad. You can't fix that, even if you want to.

What you CAN do is set boundaries in your home. You have to pick up anything in a common area? It goes bye-bye. DH doesn't like it? Then he can clean it up to an acceptable level. If YOU have to put in the effort, then YOU dictate the consequence.

Aldo, tell your DH NOW that once the kids are old enough to launch, the ONLY way they will live in a house with you is if they are full-time students. If he balks and says he will house his little cherubs if they need him, tell him that's fine, but he can house them elsewhere or without you living there.

I need to put it in my signature, but your spouse needs to be FRIGHTENED that you'll leave. They need to know their actions have consequences, and those consequences are up to and including losing you. If that doesn't frighten them, then IMO, it's best to leave because they clearly aren't loyal or devoted enough to make a marriage work. Do NOT settle for halfway in marriage. It's an all-or-nothing situation, and if your DH thinks he can get away with the minimum and still keep you around with the minor inconvenience of you being grumpy, then he'll keep doing the minimum while you do the all. Nip it now and make him scared of the consequence. If he isn't scared, he doesn't care enough, and you will do better alone or with someone better.

strugglingSM's picture

I don't think you're being mean. I agree with you. I'm annoyed with him that even though he talks a good game, he doesn't follow through.

I suggested that maybe if his kids still had Cs and Ds when report cards came out (in less than two weeks), that they not be able to go skiing, because I wasn't really interested in paying for skiing for kids with bad grades. He didn't reply to me, but I know that he wants to go skiing, so he's not going to do that.

I think part of him cares about homework, but it's the difficult path to set and hold boundaries with kids, especially when their mother tells them that you're not parenting, you're just being mean to them because you hate her. Still not an excuse, someone has to be the parent and it can't be me. Parenting is hard and you have to be ok making your kids unhappy in order to do it, right. BM does sort of back DH into a corner, but he could still be strong and do what's right.

I've already talked to DH about how when his kids are adults, I plan to move closer to my parents who live 2500 miles away. My parents will be elderly at that time and right now, I rarely see them because I'm married to a man with kids. He pushed back at first (but these discussions happened before we were married, so he can't say I sprung it on him) and now just tries to convince me how wonderful it is where we live. He says he'll come with me, but I've already told him multiple times that even if he doesn't, I'm going. Part of the reason I'm going is because I want to be near my family, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of it wasn't to make it harder for SSs to mooch off us when they inevitably fail to become adults.

I also agree on the being scared part. DH and I have some big fights where I tell him how I feel and sometimes he comes around a bit after that, but then he gets complacent. He and I don't have children, so while it would be a legal hassle, it would be easier for us to split. Also, it would be easy for me to just move away and stay married to him. I've jokingly told him on occasion, "it's much harder to find a third wife than it is to find a second wife..."

Cover1W's picture

Yep, we have the same DH.

Although my SDs are actually really good students and homework, right now, is not an issue. Both pull all As.

However, after-school activities or other kinds of activities are non-existant. DH cannot seem to figure out how to communicate with teachers when needed or how to get involved otherwise. And lord forbid he make them angry if he said "no" to them - I mean, he tried to get me involved in a discussion about the SDs food issues (esp. SD13) again and all I said was "YOU get the choice to buy "extras" or not. YOU are the parent." Then he just looks defeated like it's too hard to say no or to have ME not say no for him!

I had to laugh at the "parenting is hard" line - yep. Said that as well. And added that I'm not their parent, I can give input provide moderate guidance or be there if they need it but NOPE I'm not the parent and I have no authority to do so anyway.

ANYTHING left in the common area goes away. If they didn't get the point the first time, make sure it's understood the second. If no one cares to put things away and they leave it up to you, then you get to determine what to do with it. Lock them up. Donate them. Put the trash into THEIR room. No mercy.

strugglingSM's picture

To make matters even worse, BM can't seem to manage any of those things either...she doesn't manage homework (preferring to think that her precious cherubs are trying as hard as they can, so forcing them to do homework would be punishment) and extra curriculars always seem to sneak up on her.

Both DH and BM find parenting to be too hard...and I have to live with their un-parented offspring. DH gets so offended when I say the littlest thing (like pointing out in a very calm way that I've requested that the controllers be put away and that I wanted him to notice that they still never are, even though the basket - that I purchased to store them and the games - is a mere three steps from where they were dropped on the floor), but seriously, do you want your kids to be the lazy, obnoxious, socially inept people whom everyone talks when they are adults?

If the controllers are out again this weekend, they will be put away in a very safe place, so safe, they will not be found by anyone, but me. I've told the kids and I even hid them once, but they came out of hiding. I've now reminded DH that it bothers me, so next time, that's it.

Acratopotes's picture

I will start with the gaming controls first.... you already had the discussion with the boys over and over and over again and they ignore you, next time will be the last time, you simply take the control and lock it up.
If they ask for it again, you smile and say NO, the rule is you pack it away after use, you did not do it, thus you can only get it back when you've learned to clean after yourselves, and keep it for the whole visitation,

If they clean the area before they leave, you say, good job boys, the controls will be back with next visitation. You keep his up till the issue is resolved.

Dh gave up on the homework, cause he tries and he works hard for the kids to do good, but you can only help people who wants your help and obviously kids does not want it.
Simply sit them down and get them to talk what they want to do with their lives, college or not, then DH can say, fine I will pay half for college if you qualify to go, but this means you have to work hard in school, I already completed school I don't need to do it again.

It will be good if Dh starts putting some money away now for college, sort of saving for it.... then regardless what happens he will be able to pay and he should not tell the skids about it.

strugglingSM's picture

Agreed. If after this weekend, the controllers are on the ground, they will go in a very safe place that only I know about.

I also agree on the college savings. Even if he put away the $200-$400 he spends on food, treats, and other unnecessary items when they are with us, it would be a start and make me feel less nervous about paying for school. I certainly wasn't planning to pay for two kids to go to college.

DH had received a $60,000 inheritance from his grandmother when they boys were 3 that he told me he and BM intended to invest in order to pay for college. Then BM needed it to pay all of her unpaid taxes for the year for her consulting business, so they used it for that. She's an accountant, so these taxes should not have snuck up on her, but they did. I'm sure she is not putting anything away and her current DH (who she is not really married to) has no money and has a kid in high school. BM is so desperate to please this man and his child that I'm sure she'll want to pay for him to go to college and then just blame DH when she doesn't have anything saved to pay for SSs to go.