You are here

The Homework Saga Continues

strugglingSM's picture

Last year, DH and I went to the mid-year conference and were told that neither boy was good at handing in homework, but one in particular, never handed any in. They were both graded on "completing homework" - not getting all questions right, mind you, just finishing the homework - and at mid-year one had a "below grade level" and another had an "approaching grade level". The kid with the "below grade level" was at the conference and DH told him that he expected all homework to be handed in. We also brainstormed with the child to figure out what might help him remember.

From that point forward, DH called daily to check in on homework and go over it (by phone) with both children. At first BM said DH was "being disruptive" and "had no right to call". She then told one of the kids that she was going to work on homework with him, but that lasted about a day. One favorite episode - DH calls at 4:30pm to check in on homework. One SS angrily says "I'm going to work on it with mom", because DH was somehow insulting his mom by checking in on homework. Later that evening around 8pm that same SS calls back to work on homework because "mom's not so good at area" (apparently, width X height is too difficult for her). By the end of the year, both boys' homework grades had improved, although the one below grade level was still just at approaching, because even though he got constant reminders from us and lots of support, he still "forgot" to hand in a few assignments.

Fast forward to middle school. I just logged on to the online school portal and at just 2.5 weeks in, one child is missing three assignments and already has an F in one of his classes. Two of the missing assignments were for a parent to sign the class syllabus / expectations sheet. This seems to have been required for all classes and BM has two sons in the 6th grade, so presumably she signed these docs for the other child. This year, DH started calling and texting them, but they don't answer their phones in the evening and DH has already been told by BM that he's not allowed to see them during the week because that's "her time".

The child we does not do his homework, plays sports and DH has already said to him that sports may not be allowed if he's not doing his homework. BM called DH an a-hole for saying that to the child...nothing like having no expectations. She also told DH that the only reason SS didn't complete his homework is because there was a misunderstanding with his teacher and BM thought he didn't have to hand the homework in.

The one who doesn't hand in his homework does have some learning challenges, but so did DH and he always handed in his homework. His parents used to make him sit at the table until it was complete. DH's father also pulled him from 8th grade sports because his grades were not all As and Bs. When this child was upset over his grades last year (not sure what he expected, since he doesn't even try hard at things he supposedly loves), BM decided that he didn't need to change his habits, he just needed to change his medication (which surprise, surprise did not magically inspire him to do his homework). This child will definitely be in for a rude awakening when he starts playing school sports and gets booted from the team because he doesn't meet the academic requirements.

BM also told DH that the kids feel bad about school because DH told them that I got all As in school, so they feel as if he expects them to get all As. I laughed out loud when I heard that...of course, BM would make it my fault that her kids don't hand in their homework.

This weekend, one child brought homework, which we worked on, so it was done before he went back to BM's. The other (the one with the 3 missing assignments) told me repeatedly, that he had nothing that he needed to do.

I know one thing...I'm not willing to spend one penny on college for a kid who doesn't bother trying.

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

AHHHH the homework battle. When SD lived with us, DH would simply ask her if she had any home work or if she did it, but would never actually check or do anything beyond that. Then of course she would come home with atrocious grades.. like in the teens and twentys and claim that the teacher was horrible, or she didn't know about the assignments or the dog ate it or whatever lie she decided on. I was super pissed not only at DH but the school as well, because SD was playing sports, and their sports code of conduct specifically said that if they were failing 2 or more classes they were NOT eligible, yet SD was still playing. It also said that if they were caught outside of school doing anything illegal they were not eligible to play. Yet SD got arrested for underage drinking at 16 and was STILL playing sports. I mentioned to DH that it was ridiculous that he was continuing to allow her to play sports when she was failing 4 classes, but he didn't want to hear it. Honestly I think he was happy with her playing sports, because that meant she wasn't around much.

I remember coming REALLY close to contacting the school about the ridiculousness of her playing sports and failing every core subject, but I stopped myself and remembered.. not my circus. Thankfully, DH's Aunt J offered to take her and SD moved to Aunt J state with her and Aunt J rode her like some kids need to be ridden. SD did not play sports, Aunt J got her a private tutor, and was in constant contact with her teachers etc and thankfully SD ended up graduating and is currently in her sophomore year of college. However, without Aunt J's intervention? SD would be a drop out, flipping burgers or manning the gas pump because DH was just not going to do all that.. and BM is a joke and half so we weren't going to get any help from her.

About 3rd-5th grade is when SS started going off the rails and same thing. BM2 couldn't be bothered to be concerned with it, and kept everything secret from DH so now we have SS18 who is a high school drop out, no job, no nothing.. just chillaxing at mommy's apartment playing video games and smoking dope with his step dad that's 6 year older than him.

I don't understand this. Why would you be OK with your kid being a failure and being OK with the knowledge that you helped facilitate that??? :?

strugglingSM's picture

I fear that will be my future. The one thing I have going for me right now is that DH is also a stickler for homework. Where we differ is that sometimes he allows "excuses" to be made as to why his children can't do the bare minimum.

pixielady's picture

@strugglingstepmom, I never understand why stepmoms feel they need to contribute to college for skids! My Dh pays plenty in cs so BM can save from that time every month. Any extra $ I have goes to either my own bs and to my retirement fund. Think of yourself first, then your own bios. Most skids are unappreciative and entitled. Dh needs to think about your joint retirement first. Look at all the stories of selfless stepmoms who bend over backwards for skids only to end up w a nonexistent or estranged relationship w them. Not your monkeys not your college fund.

strugglingSM's picture

I am in 100% agreement with you. I don't intend to pay any money toward college. I'm also encouraging DH to contribute to his retirement funding, but that is a tougher battle.

DH got an inheritance of $60k from his grandmother nearly 10 years ago. Apparently, he and BM agreed they would use that for a college fund for SSs. Then BM needed money to pay taxes for her business, so she used it for that. She still owes $60K to the IRS (probably for penalties or some sort of audit for improper business expenses), so I know she's saved nothing, even though she's made well into the six figures for the last 10 years. DH had nothing but debt when they divorced. I'm sure BM is expecting her parents to give her money for SSs, but I think her parents have less money than they pretend to have.

My one challenge is that in my state, children of divorce can sue their noncustodial parent to pay for college. I doubt they know that and hope they don't find out, but I'll be so mad if I'm on the hook due to some unfair law.

pixielady's picture

I think any kid who SUES HIS OWN PARENT is is POS. That would be grounds for complete cutting off of relationship for me. What would your DH do if he were sued?

And how does anyone who makes well into the six figures have no savings?

strugglingSM's picture

I'm not sure what he would do if his son sued him for money. I'm hoping we never find out.

BM has no money because

a) she was self-employed for years and always waited until the end of the year to pay her taxes (she's a CPA, so she can't claim ignorance). I think she might have also misreported her expenses (DH saved some financial paperwork from the final years of their marriage and according to bank statements she counted things as "business expenses" that weren't business expenses. She also used her business account to pay for things like sports fees for the kids, etc) and maybe got caught because despite "borrowing" money from MIL (never paid back) or taking out multiple mortgages on previous homes to pay these taxes, she still owes $60K to the IRS. I know all this because we had to provide the Innocent Spouse Ruling DH received from the IRS when we qualified for our mortgage;

b) BM loves to gamble. When she was married to DH she easily spent $5000 a month. DH wasn't much of a gambler. He would go, play his $200 and then go get a free meal at the buffet. He wasn't allowed to be near her when she played because according to her, he was "bad luck" and she would always lose when he was around (she lost even when he wasn't around, but who's counting). Her new husband also loves to gamble, so lord knows how much she spends at the casino now.

c) BM also likes to buy things. In the paperwork DH kept, he had some of their bank statements. In one month, BM had about 12 purchases each from QVC, Home Shopping Network, and Amazon. I asked DH what she was buying and he said he wasn't sure. Not only did she make six figures, but DH worked a ton of overtime when they were married, so he was getting paid well, too. Based on DH's credit report, I don't think they paid any bills on time, some not at all in 2011. There were even credit write-offs for things she purchased for her business, that still appear as write-offs on his credit. I've encouraged him to send a letter to resolve that, but he hasn't, yet.

d) BM had a need to appear wealthier than she was, so they bought cars, clothing, and other things they couldn't afford. Not only did she make six figures, but DH worked a ton of overtime when they were married, so he was getting paid well, too. They sold the only home they ever owned as a short sale, not because the home's value went down, but because they had taken so many extra mortgages on it to cover debts that they owed way more than it was worth. For their 10th anniversary (in 2011, when they were not paying bills and at which point, they were both miserable, since they divorced the next year), DH bought her a $1200 purse. I was like "what?!" when he told me.

Of course, now she just blames all of her money problems on DH and how he doesn't pay her enough child support. I always joke to DH that divorce is the best thing that ever happened to BM, because now she can blame him for all of her problems.