mtnwife530's picture

Just getting Started

Well, I've never done this before, not sure where to start. I guess I should start at the begining with some background. the truth of the matter is, I met my husband because he worked with my ex. I know, I know, not the best way to start off a relationship , but knowing him for 6 yrs, my kids(2) knowing him,and us knowing each others history did make some aspects easier.He has 5 kids, the oldest, a son,became very ill after Desert Storm, and passed away. He took his son's death very hard, as anyone would.
He was always kind, thoughtful,supportive, and passionate. His oldest daughter never approved of me but she kept it civil. During the teen years , my daughter and him were like oil and water, I did my best to mediate but wasn't always sucessful. Once he gave me the ring, his daughter began to openly disapprove, when my father-in-law to be first asked to see my left hand , she stated "bets have been made that it will never really happen" I was horrified, shocked,embaresed, even angry. When i brought it up to him, at first he denied even hearing it, then it was "don't pay any attention to her, nobody else does" and "it's just the way she is". It hasn't stopped since.
But just over 2 yrs ago, he began pushing me away, emotionally, physically,... it was very hurtful. We tried one therapist, who was a Total D _ _ K. And it was hard enough to get him to agree to see that one. He recently started coming out of this "funk" and started warming up again and I found a new therapist who is AWESOME so far, and I think some progress is being made. Once he learns, communication, even if it hurts is KEY to peace, I will bring out our one and one point of serious contention (kid # 2) ( I give numbers to the kids in order of birth as identifiers for people don't know them by name) and pro pose a solution,hopfully with therapist support, and insist this be dealt with.
Have to go now, and get ready for work.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm asking this gently, did

I'm asking this gently, did your relationship begin as an affair? If so, that would explain his daughter's attitude.

When you say he "physically" pushed you away - can you be more specific? Was it done in anger? Is he still being physical with you? If so, I hope you are being honest with the therapist about it, because that needs to be addressed.

fairyo's picture

Welcome to the site- hope you

Welcome to the site- hope you get good advice here- for me this site is better than any therapy. I think the key here is: 'Once he gave me the ring,' that was your mistake. You haven't said how long you've been married, but it must be a while if these changes took place 2 years ago. Communication is the key to peace- but you can only get peace for yourself- not for him- he has his own battles to fight and I know what grief does to people, even after many years.
There's another post on here that advocates people shouldn't marry other people with children- and that sounds very negative I know- but it is such a minefield of resentment at the 'others' and having to deal with baggage from previous marriages.
I hope the therapy does work- but be aware the outcome may not be what you want it to be, be prepared for both himself and you having to look inside and see stuff you may not want to.
Keep posting- I'd like to know how you get on.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

lieutenant_dad's picture

Welcome welcome! This bit of

Welcome welcome!

This bit of advice is based on the understanding that your OSD (oldest step daughter) is an adult.

Stepkids don't have to like us. Once they leave our homes, they don't even have to be civil to us. They become any other adult, and we can choose whether we interact with them or not.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect respect in your own home. If your DH (darling husband) insists his daughter grace your presence, then she needs to do so respectfully. If not, then she will not be welcome in your home, and likewise, you will not put yourself in her presence elsewhere.

That is what I would propose in therapy. There is absolutely no reason to be disenfranchised or made upset by someone who probably doesn't care if you exist or not. The only reason you are the target is because you're an easy one. If you disappear, someone else will be the new focus.

Disengage. Ask not to hear about her, and if she is brought up in conversation, simply say "that's good/bad for her" and switch the topic. If you make it clear that you won't be involved at all with the drama, your DH will have to make a decision. My hope is that, barring your words really meaning he was abusive, that he chooses you.

Good luck in therapy!

mtnwife530's picture

Thank you all for your gentle

Thank you all for your gentle words. We've been married for 12 yrs now. His first wife had packed up the kids,moved in with her man on the side, while he was at work. that was about 25yrs ago. BM's 3rd DH passed away about 4yrs ago. I don't ask about her. And by "pushed me away physically" I meant as in sex went down the tubes. He's not violent or abusive at all. His kids were never even spanked, which to me says "There You Go!" I had no problem providing "hand to ass therapy" when called for. Now that SD38 lives in the biggest house, it's been declared the "appointed house" for gatherings. Not sure how long SD's BF will put up with the routine invasions, but not my zoo, not my monkeys! He has 1 DD and 1BS, SD has 1DD and 1BS, together DD2 and now DD10 weeks! I wish them luck, NOT! I don't have any beef with SD38 ,but she overlooks her BS's crap. SD38 has SD17 and is just now starting to get the Evil SM lable,so....
But, as for the big picture, I have actually decided if this last ditch effort doesn't pan out, the relationship will probably end, BUT, the marriage will not. He won't file because he doesn't want to be the one to "end it", or "gave up", didn't make the effort or whatever. And I won't because, well,because I want to be the one stirring the pot! You know the old phrase, if your already have the label, might as well earn it! I've never been one to get revenge , but I would like to see a few others endure some of my suffering!
Well, I guess I should give full disclosure. I am only willing to try the nice approach because there may be some PTSD involved relating to the his BS's grave and BM. DH's BS is buried in Vets Cemetery,of course, and since he never married (passed at 23yo) and had no children, a parents my claim the site right behind them. All this started after he found out that thoughtless, cold hearted B___H Ex claimed the spot! She was never in any service, and never said a word about it! He only found out because one of his kids told him! And he served in Viet Nam. He took the loss VERY hard! And the 20th Anniversary of his death was Aug. 8th.
I know it may sound like I'm having a change of heart or now I'm defending him. I know DH was doing some major over compensating with the younger one's. Plus,later,1 1/2 yrs into divorce,he got custody of the remaining 4 and overcompensated for them "not having a mother",which he admits I am not. But if the death of his BS has anything to do with him not confronting SD42 , I Would be the evil B___H! If it's not the case I'll go BALISTIC, Total Meltdown,All Bets Off. I know,this could be a huge waste of time, and I'm not getting my hopes up. I know I've put up with SD42's drama, manipulation,insults,controlling,and intrusive (and demanding) more than I should have. I should have disengaged long ago,but I didn't. In the end, I will always have to live myself and I couldn't, if it turned out he could see the "light". so to speak with some help. Comments on that?
And, as I said, this is all new to me. Want a good laugh, I didn't know what a BLOG was til 3 days ago! ( You're thinking, OMG, She's got to be KIDDING) I'm serious,the only info I've read, is what is on this site, it said it's like a journal or diary, which I take to mean that it's common to just "let it all out" and there's no restriction on the subject (within reason), and I don't have stick to skids issues . If I'm mistaken, I'm sorry and ask for someone to PLEASE let me know before I make a total fool of myself.
The loneliness is been a little harder to cope with. I'm not sure why, but think may because the weather will be changing, with the cold, the snow will fly.I'm sure this will pass . Even though living in BFE doesn't feel so blissful right now, I could never go back to the bay or any other metropolis. When I went to my banks atm today, there was a women standing at it so I stood back and waited. Then I realized she was talking to someone (or so i thought) then I realized I couldn't see a phone. I began to wonder I had been in a coma, and if some new tech atm was put in and voice activated (after you put your card in) she would rattle of numbers, the correct and repeat them,enter, go back,yada yada. It was just after the bank closed, so after a few mins a teller ,on her way to her car notices the women, looks at me as if to say "do you know what she's doing?" I shrugged. the teller pulled closer, rolled down her window, and as i got there I said "I'm guessing that not a new voice interactive machine?" I thought she would crack a rib from laughing, be she manage a "no", and the teller said it it sounded like she might need her meds adjusted or maybe missed a dose! I didn't want to laugh really, I couldn't help it. Any way, the teller pulled up closer to the atm, I couldn't what she said to the women, but the women responded to her then walked away, the teller told me she would wait while I used the atm in case the women came and started trouble, so I thanked her. That's when it it me! I'm OLD I look old, and I was actually glad the teller stayed. What wrong with me! Me! being nervous about a possibly a mentally ill person! and a women at that! Me, who was always ready when PD called for transport. Me, who would be right in the thick of it when a physic pt. of 300lbs got violent and needed 4 point leather restraints! Me who had no fear getting a call at midnight in downtown Richmond, even having blonde hair!
I guess 25 plus years in the middle of no where, 30 miles to a traffic light, closest hospital being 20 miles ...and they only have 5 beds, and every face i see (almost) is at least mildly familiar, it all has wore down my courage and confidence. It's so sad when fear sets in on the fearless.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

One more thing, If anyone

One more thing, If anyone would be so kind as to give me a list of the abrev. used here. I've learned DH,SM,SD,SS,BM,BD, but that's about it. If any of them could be considered offensive, you can message them to me, Thanks Puzzled

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Look at FAQ under the Menu

Look at FAQ under the Menu tab in the upper left hand corner of the main page. It lists all of the abbreviations.

mtnwife530's picture

I felt better today, worked

I felt better today, worked my rear off getting ready for BD25 visit next week! I even found a few post on dealing with skids BM that I could read to DH! He got a kick out of a few, then asked what site I was getting them from! (Opps!) "It's just some post about dealing with DH's ex" He just went "ahh" and left if at that. I really do want to show him this site to prove normal people believe it's the BP who should confront the DS's & DD's when they are rude, disrespectful , or otherwise out of line. But I want to do it when he's more receptive to the idea. I honestly think if I find a few more things on dealing with BM that he takes to heart, I could throw one in about his DD! He actually took my "maybe it's fear" speech as very possible. I made sure I emphasized the boundaries must be set on unacceptable behavior, he didn't agree, BUT,he didn't disagree. That's HUGH! But I still have my guard up, and even if he does take it all the way, I'll be ready for a relapse. Nothing that good could last forever!

—

mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

Hi! 12 years is a long time.

Hi! 12 years is a long time. I'm not sure where to start with my response, but what I have picked up is that you're dealing with a DH who finds it difficult standing up to his ex and his children? Does DH only have the one daughter and no other children? Apart from the one who died?
You say that his behaviour changed about two years ago? Is that when the whole thing about the grave kicked off? This is a sensitive issue and one I have sympathy about. As he gets older I sense this issue gets worse instead of better.
Now, to you. You mention the lack of intimacy. I have this too.
You mention fear setting in on the fearless. I had this too.
You mention the loneliness. I have this too.
In the end we have to care for ourselves when that care we thought we had from another dries up. You need to work on whatever it is that will raise your self-esteem- the issue at the ATM was just self-recognition that you are changing too.
Six months ago I felt I was losing myself- I was not dealing with things in the way I usually did because DH was not considering me as a person with feelings. I gave up a lot for him because I thought he had been worth it- now the person he really was all the time was emerging and I wasn't sure I could handle that indifference.
Finding this site, as it is with so many people, helped me to regain my self-esteem, my previous courage, my love of life.
I am still with DH but our life has changed a great deal- there is no physical intimacy, no affection, and very little communicating about what I think is important. Other than that- we get along fine!
I have stepped back from the deep and meaningful to create some space, the superficial seems to be what he wants. For now, I have to accept it.
My only advice is to try to reconnect with that person you were/want to be again. She hasn't gone away, she is just ground down by all the 'other' people in her life who mean nothing to her. I had to go out and find people who thought like me, I had to reconnect with old friends. I am lucky to have lots of great people in my life now. I hope that it will happen for you too. Stay strong.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hi Fairyo, It is nice to know

Hi Fairyo, It is nice to know someone else has been there. Thank you!. Yea, there are more kids, he has BD40, BS38, and BD36. He had a total of 5. And the rest of are great, aside from the fact they over her bs, not completely, they say "oh A" or "whatever" and say no one pays attention to her any way, when something is directed at me. They are ,I guess , used to just going along with what plans she may change.And they are always yelling to each other, I said to, not at. I'm told it come from childhood , if they didn't yell, they wouldn't be heard. I have, BS31, & DD25, who never were loud like they are. And I only have 1 BB. DH was the oldest of 5. (he's from Utah, I think it might be a law to have 5 kids, lol)
Meeting people is difficult living in the middle of nowhere, seriously! and I several hundred mile from where I grew up. not that I had friends then either. But I know I'll get through it, as miserable as it might be. The only bright spot I can see, is that my DD25 is flying in tuesday for a week, I haven't seen her in 2 yrs. I figured at next weekends gathering, I;ll stick as close as i can to her (without driving her nuts,if possible) they may avert some shots at me.
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I'm still trying to the house ready for my DD's visit.You can be sure I'll be updating

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Hello again. I just couldn't

Hello again. I just couldn't end the day without sharing this tidbit. I been reading some post to DH, most about unrelated issues,I read the post then some of the comments. He has said the DD's are out of line and how he "wouldn't put up with that." I know, I know, but it's a start. Then a wise person sent me a pm, that , in part, said " sometimes, are DH are afraid of confronting BM and DD's ,but like it when we do because it saves them the trouble". I told my DH,as he thought about it, he snickered a bit and said he hadn't thought about it before, but it was true.Light bulb moment! I'll take it as permission to fire back at will! And I plan to do just that at the first rude,intrusive or other offensive remark! And I'm sure he won't defend them any more than he did me. I'm actually starting to look forward to next weekend!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

Great that you're feeling

Great that you're feeling more upbeat- I don't know where I would be without my DD (I also have a son, but he's useless!) she and her two boys are the true joys of my life and I see them often even though they are more than one day's journey away.
You could be on to something with your observation of DH's attitude. My DH never criticises his kids- EVER- even though they are far from perfect. However, he is not so obliging when I criticise them, which I don't do anymore, I just ignore their existence!
It may be that he accepted my opinion of them, but never agreed, whilst wishing I hadn't been harsh about them. He calls me 'caustic.'
I really feel now knowing all I know, that DH wanted me to be rival to BM- he wanted me to be better, kinder, softer than she is around them. That's a hard target, as I'm not a naturally 'nice' person- as I used to tell him when we first met, but now I think he knows what I meant. He really wanted me to be involved with his family, and I was for a while- but no more, ever.
IN DH world it is ok to lie down and have your kids walk all over you, he seems to think that's what parent's do- but in my world children should respect and care for their parents.
For me it will always be an issue between us, but one of his making.
Have a great time with your DD.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Well, my DD made it home for

Well, my DD made it home for a visit, no thanks to me, the short of it,when she told me she decided to change the flight to tuesday instead on monday (Labor Day) I thought she changed both flights not just the return. I had volunteered to cover for someone else and was supposed to work monday.But it worked out, I picked her up from the airport and it's all good.
The big gathering is supposed to be sunday (BBQ at SD34's house) not sure how that will go,a large wildfire broke out yesterday, got up this morning to my suv COVERED in ash. The fire is about 10 miles from where the gathering is supposed to be. I had my DD25 drop me at work so she could use my car, when I asked where she planned to go (after a hesitation)one stop she wanted to make was to see my DH's EX! WTF. I know,unfortunately I set the example of not holding someone accountable for an offense they hadn't committed against me. I made a low growl and told her to drive safe.She also went to visit SS38 and SD34. She knows I don't get along with her, but not exactly why. I guess I feel like I shouldn't involve her, that it's not her problem. I know why m DD wanted to see her, they're "Church Buddies". (my words not hers) Damn, couldn't have my DD25 picked some other religion??? No, she had to follow the in laws! She could have followed her bio-brother (BS31) and declared herself Atheist! What's a parent to do?
Anyway, the best I can hope for ,is at the "gathering" we don't have the meal time repeat , it goes like this: I ask DH,,"would you like me to get you something to eat? DH: "no, I'm not quite ready" Me:"ok" I get up for what ever reason, 30 seconds later SD42 " Daaddee, don't you want to eat? I'll make you a plate of...." DH: "yeah, ok, that sounds good" Jawdropping! I almost blow a gasket! because I KNOW she HEARD me ask HIM! I must say, the last few occasions , I specifically asked him not to accept any offers that he has declined from me in the past 5 minutes, and he hasn't.
Here's a new one, does anyone think this is weird, DH had a GF many years ago, and when she drank(most of the time) would beat the CRAP out of him,he would have bruises and scratches on his face( I know, I seen it for myself) This old GF had a DD and when DH and old GF were together, it was the only stability this child ever knew. Fast forward 20 yrs, this child now an adult moves back to town alone and drops in to see DH (she also can't stand her BM) and gets to meet new wife (me). She's very polite, respectful, promises to never tell BM she has even seen DH. (she kept her word!) One day, DH's former SD come to our house, arms and face bruised and she was still crying, a BF had done it. She ask DH if she could rent the spare room for a few months. DH says to go out to back yard and ask "the boss". She comes out and asks, it's apparent why, the boss says yes. The former SD has a job pays rent as agreed,not only keeps her room clean but helps in the rest of the house. After about 3 months, finds a studio and moves into it. Still drops by to say hi, and pet sits on request. I was told I was weird for letting this young lady stay with us. She introduces us as her "adoptive parent" to her friends. Does anyone else think this was weird??

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

ugghhh. So pissed, they did

ugghhh. So pissed, they did it! Called this am ,wanted to change BBQ to today! he says
"hold on, let me ask(DW). of course with them on the phone ,not even covering the damn thing! what am I supposed to say ! Thrown under the bus AGAIN!!!!!!!! I'm so pissed , I'm shaking!!!!!!!!!!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Well, we went and of course

Well, we went and of course there was no BBQ, they cooked inside so they " didn't have to be in the smoke from the fire".whiners! I did lay into DH before going, i guess it helped some, because right before we left OSD42 (rude and controlling) said to "Daaddee, you're coming back tomorrow, right?" as he was standing with arm around me, he told her "We'll see" OSD, "Oh Daaddee,you're coming" DH repeated "We'll See" then we left. So, that was good,it was a first. She did the eye roll and said "whatever' under her breath, which warmed the cockerels of my Heart Evil
funny thing is DH can't remember what time we're supposed to be there (if we do go) Ha, and neither do I! 1:00pm. But, I seem to recall hearing something about 2:00 or 2:30 but I can't be sure,(again Evil )
It's progress. She wants to get into a Pi_s_ng contest,let her bring it! For ONCE I refuse to let her control either one of us, and I think DH realizes I'm fed up!!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

Hi- yes, there are some

Hi- yes, there are some complicated relationships here. I couldn't get over the food thing though- two women 'fighting' over who gets him a plate of food??? Sorry, but here in Fairyland men get their own food, unless they have no arms or legs. I would drop that right away. Let her serve him the damn food if she chooses!
Your DD can choose whatever religion she wants of course, and if she wants to see her steps then let her. I tell my DD all about my skids- (you have to unload on someone) and they met as adults so have nothing in common and don't 'gel' at all. Whether you open up to DD is a matter for you alone.
You did well at the barbie to ignore OSD and you are right not to care what time to go today. I would let DH go alone- tell him you're unwell after the BBQ (must have been something you ate) and you need some rest.
Top tip- when skids are involved, ask yourself- 'Do I really want to do this?' If the answer is no. don't do it.
Today DH and I were going to go somewhere together but it involves popping to SS's for a coffee on the way back- no way Jose- I'm staying home!

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hi Fairyo, my DD has always

Hi Fairyo, my DD has always gotten along with the skids, in fact they have always been very kind to her. I just hate the fact she made it a special point to visit their BM! while driving my CAR!
I did have a few SERIOUS words for DH yesterday before we left. No yelling and asked if he REALLY expected an honest answer if skids are right there or on an open phone line? Then I asked if he really wanted me to bring up our "plans" ( it would be TMI even for here) within earshot? He did suggest an alternitive that I agreed to. And , before we left, OSD says "You'll be back tomorrow? won't you, Daaddee?" and ,with arm around me, he says "We'll see" OSD "Oh, you'll be back" DH repeats "We'll see" while I stood gazing lovingly at him, Ah, a moment of Bliss!
On the food thing, as a general rule, I don't serve him food, trust me! But, he had some serious back issues and a lot of pain, but he had back surgery and is almost fully recovered, thus the threat about him having her get him a plate.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I slept well last night,felt

I slept well last night,felt better. Damn! I hope this isn't the start of a roller coaster of emotions! drove today to BS's and DIL TB's house since they're 45min from the airport and I'm 4hrs and DD had never met DIL TB. Called DH, he was surprised, when I gone I usually don't call, and he never calls me either , but since I intend to be sweet as pie for his "we'll see" response, and remind him nothing bad happened, even if she had caused a scene, he was able to go home and not have to deal with her. But me being upset would not pass so quickly, and he has to live with me!
I also have to call the therapist in the morning to see if I can get us an earlier appointment. If not I will have to have a work schedule I really don't want, which is not having my days off all in a row.
I did sent her an email telling her that gentle negotiation wasn't going to help. That each of us needs to be told in no uncertain terms, what behavior is causing disruption in the relationship,and how to correct it. If it's not straight forward, especially for DH, it won't sink in! After so many years of being told I have to "let it go" , whenever OSD or BM shoots off their mouth, I don't think I could take hearing it again. If I do, I'll take it as I must be out of touch with reality and in need of serious professional help.
Of course, it's the only thing going through my mind, and will be, until i get a definitive answer. In a way, I feel like I come across as I am right and theres no way I can be wrong in thinking DH should have put a stop to OSD and BM being,controlling rude and condescending, but every involved person I've talked to has said the only one that can set the boundary ( short of disengagement) is him.
God, I hope this works, I want to be happy again!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

I hope it works too- but

I hope it works too- but something is telling me you are still trying to solve an unsolveable problem. So, who did you send the e-mail too? BM? SD? DD?
What definitive answer are you seeking?
I know that these issues have been going on a long time but they won't be solved overnight. It is a very slow process. For me, it has taken me six months to get some peace of mind again.
You want to be happy again?-Stop seeing it as a destination-happiness is not a memory, though happy memories can see us through dark times, but you can create small acts of happiness for yourself everyday. Start loving yourself more, do things you like to do. Eventually the pressure of having to please people will dissipate.
Good luck with the therapy and hope DH's back is better soon.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

I had emailed therapist, who

I had emailed therapist, who contacted me yesterday evening and said she wanted to see just DH, today , from where we just returned.
I an email to the therapist telling her, I am afraid I'm going to hear once again, that I need to "just let it go" about him allowing OSD42 to insult and demean me,determining what we do and when, what we can and can't do,and attempts to force use to "room" BM (which did fail). If I am so much out of touch with reality for thinking her actions are unacceptable and that DH should be the one to take a stand, arrangements need to be made for my care and DH needs to be informed of it.
After the session, I was not taken to the "funny farm", but of course, I got no feedback from the therapist and DH only said that they " didn't talk about" me. I asked how much trouble I was in (for giving TMI to therapist since the therapy was about his disconnection from me) and he said I haven't done anything wrong. I know it was all confidential, but I'm a need to know person, what's going on? what's the plan,? how are we going to handle this? I really HATE, HATE, HATE, having things up in the air, unsettled, whatever you want to call it. I need to know what steps are being taken to reach the end goal.
I don' get to know why DH disconnected. I don't get to know why I just have to let it go. I guess therapy was the wrong decision, maybe not, perhaps starting next week I will be referred to a Ph.D that prescribes meds, or maybe an inpatient facility. Someone needs an intense invention SOON!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Had a nice dinner with the

Had a nice dinner with the in-laws this evening. They are visiting from out of state MIL,SIL,BIL. Just the adults, lol. I don't recall what was said, but at one point this morning, I remember now, YSD's BF was supposed to drop off some firewood for us,(we only have wood heat) on Monday, I was gone taking my DD to the airport. I had forgotten about it til this morning when I realized I hadn't seen a pile in the side yard,so I asked him about it. DH said he kinda figured they might flake out as they have before, I could see he was disappointed in them, just then,he walked over to me, gave me a hug and said " it's ok, it's you and me against the world". WOW, another moment of Bliss! but, I did feel a bit bad for him. Is it possible that the therapist got through? Something finally clicked? Has he decided that maybe, I should be the most important person in his life? That would be amazing, but I will not get my hopes up too, much,and I need to make sure he knows how much this change means to me and he see's how much more relaxed we are together because of this change. I don't know exactly why or what inspired this new attitude, but it's nice to see. The feeling is as warm as the one I got from his "We'll see" statement. I sure hope it lasts!!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Ahh, so far so good. We

Ahh, so far so good. We haven't gotten any wood yet, big surprise there,NOT! Starting monday I'll start working 16 hrs a week (3 days),up from the 9 I have been (2 days). And I'll still do the occasional weekend, at least weekends are done at home.
Things have been pleasant here at home, I continue to express gratitude for DH's "We'll See " response to DD, and his "it's you and me against the world" (I always loved that song).But I still wonder if I am out of touch with reality and am actually expected to let it all go. I feel it would be very unfair of anyone to expect that of me, and it would be very hurtful. But delusional people don't see the way things truly are and that's what scares me. People who are of touch think their is something wrong with everyone else, but not with them. What if that's what I've been doing with OSD and the BM? From all I've read here and heard from others, that's not the case, but it might as well be if no one will openly back me up. Maybe I am just making, no, I am just making myself crazy,but I don't know how to get past it. I hate to do it, but I think I will send another email to the therapist. I know I don't pay her for on-line sessions, but I can only be assured of making my point uninterrupted and without total emotional breakdown. Still unsure if it helped last time, but the helplessness on this subject is VERY difficult to deal with.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

I am impressed that with DH

I am impressed that with DH and that therapy seems to be working for him. Me and DH are getting more and more back as we were and that is good, but it has been very slow and very painful at times.
I understand that you need to 'know' because I was like that. I got into a situation where I felt DH was rejecting my help because he stopped talking to me. It took me months to 'let go,' it is a bit like an addiction, you hate it but somehow you need it.
You said you continue to express gratitude to DH? Why? You shouldn't thank him for something he should be doing anyway, which is putting your relationship first.
Although DH says it's you and him against the world at the moment it seems that it's you against yourself.
I think that separate therapy for him seems to have worked,so why not separate therapy for you?
In the end I didn't go to therapy- been there and done that and it never really helped me. I often tell people to try it, but not to be surprised if it doesn't go the way you want it to.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hello Fairyo, I've had to

Hello Fairyo, I've had to "let it go" for over 2yrs in some areas and 15yrs in others. I want him to see day to day life is much more pleasant. Over the past few years, I've been short,defensive, even a little snide, and I just remembered why, some time ago, almost 2yrs, after OSD interjected herself, he made a comment to the effect he'd rather have me upset with him than her because it was easier. So, I had decided to test that theory. I knew I had a reason but couldn't remember what it was, until 2 days ago. I guess I had it somewhere in the back of my mind and had testing that theory ever since.
The therapy was started as couples, but she did say at some point she would see each one of us separately 1-2 times, however, this covered under MY insurance. He does see someone through the VA,(monthly,can't do more)but there is no way I can talk to them,and of course DH isn't talking ,about that any way. I really felt if an outside source point out that ODD has been doing some serious over stepping and it's not just me being over sensitive, it would get through.
With so much improvement in attitude(VA increased med dose) and the recent small steps, I thought there would be a better chance of continued progress if he seen that it did have an positive impact overall. On the order of Positive Reinforcement. Even though he knows old methods once used by shrinks, he's not familiar with newer behavioral modification (i.e. positive reinforcement, Active ignoring, and positive practice,emotional currency) but that is a whole other story.
I know in the past, I have fallen for the "Ok, I'm sorry, Next time I'll,...." and so as I "let it go" the incident would be out of his mind and his apologetic attitude gone as well. But, now, he's trying to plan how he is going to deal with ODD, before we encounter her and his priority seems to be keeping me from getting upset, instead of her.
Nighttime seems to be worst of all for me. It's dark, the house is quiet, that's when I realize just how many answers I don't have. It's like being lost, blindfolded without tools. If lost, you can look for the best direction to go, add the blindfold and in 2 steps, you might fall off a cliff,if you have a stick you can feel for solid ground. If you have nothing you can do but sit there and hope someone will rescue you.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

Well maybe I just learned the

Well maybe I just learned the hard way- no one came to rescue me so I had to save myself- once saved, I never want to let go again.
It sounds like DH is making some attempt to rescue you and himself. My DH has never said sorry to me.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

hi Fairyo, That's just it! If

hi Fairyo, That's just it! If i am going to save myself, I need the tools to do it, in this case, INFORMATION, to finish things left undone, Learn DH's thought process, plan to avoid the SD trap in the future, and the tools to put it all together!I f you have all available info, you have a better chance of saving yourself! Make sense? Though,in the past I have overlooked it, I can tell when DH says something just to apeaes me, but over the past few weeks, that has not been the case. As I have said, if any of these skids issues or his emotion shut down has anything at all to do with the death of his OS, I have to give him every opportunity to work through it, I would be a sorry excuse of a human being if I didn't.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

The Wonders Never Cease! I

The Wonders Never Cease!
I finally worked up the nerve to straight up ask DH if the one on one visit with the therapist was of any help? He'said he thought it was, but no more. I pushed a bit more, told him I still half expected him to break the news that I was going to the "funny farm" because of my "delusional" views about deserving respect and the things that bother me that I keep being told I should let go. And the only light I see at the end of the tunnel was just a train. He finally broke down ,nearly in tears, and said he was supposed to ask me a question but was afraid to. He finally asked what he could and needed to do to put us on track and try to make up for my pain, he couldn't take it all back, but wanted to try. It was,in part, about his son who died.
I almost fell over! Then got a little tongue tied. I told him I very much appreciated what he had done,I did feel he was making a real effort to reconnect with me. And ,if he could remedy the only other point of contention between us, we would definitely be well on our way to a better relationship. He asked exactly that would be. I told him that he need to talk to his ODD, and tell he it was unacceptable to insult me, to stop blaming me everytime we didn't do something she thinks we should, demean our relationship, and to tell either one of us what we can't do, or even state disapproval when we haven't asked for it.
I told him I knew this isn't something he would enjoy, and he didn't have to be mean in doing it. But that he will have to be firm since we both know she try to cut him off with "but Daaddee" and not want to listen and he will have to insist. He said he knows that.
Then I told him I Love him, gave him a hug and kiss and dropped the subject. I will insist on at least being near by,if not with him during this talk, to insure the boundaries are clear. And that he includes that if she can't respect these boundaries, we will leave and then stop attending when she is present and that she doesn't try to use her kids for emotional blackmail. I doubt that DH telling her she will respect me ,will cover ( at least in her mind )not to plan "Family Trips" where she tries to put us in a room, suite, or cabin with BM!!! Yes, she has TRIED, but never even come close to happening! Hopefully he agrees it would be best to talk to her face to face and to make the drive to do it at her home. She lives 200 miles away,and my BS lives in the same area, so we can invade him and GF( aka WTB) overnight,lol. If he waits until she is in town, either BM, the rest of her siblings would be close enough to possibly interrupt. If it's done at her home and she has a tantrum, we can just leave!
Of course I will remain on this site, I know issue will come up at some point, I hope to have the info be I need it. And always to remind myself,someone, somewhere probably has it worse. If it does all work out (keep your fingers crossed) maybe it will help someone else.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

This is very good news! Well

This is very good news! Well done, especially on the grief side of things- seems you found good therapists there. You reacted in just the right way except... except why do you 'insist' on being nearby? It sounds like even though there has been a breakthrough you still don't trust him? Or putting words into his mouth? I think it is a good idea to go to her for the reasons you have outlined but I'm not sure I would be there in the room, so to speak.
I know our circumstances are different and I don't know what is going to happen in the coming months either, but I let my DH do everything with his kids without me being there. It is working. I think it is working for all of us, but of course I could be wrong!
I hope you get the resolution you need after all your hard work.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

I am Hopeful at this point,I

I am Hopeful at this point,I am worried about her cutting him, starting in with the "Whatever Daaddee" Ohh, I thought of something even better, I can take the sgkids for a walk or something, and her DH can stay, he will insure she lets Daaddee say what he has to say! The therapist did say she would like to see DH get some intensive therapy with VA. We all know how that system works. I just plan to be supportive , and find whatever resources I can get for him, I should be able to, after all that's my job. Seriously, my paid job. Speaking of job, I better get moving or I'll be late. Hope everyone has a Great Day! Smiling

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Just had a Revelation! I

Just had a Revelation!
I just had a Revelation. I was pondering all the disrespectful, rude, and manipulative actions by OSD, and it hit me! She never asks HD a question, or request, she always uses, "You'll come with us,right,Daaaddeeee" or " Daaaddeee doesn't mind, do you" instead of "would you like to come with us,dad? or "Dad, do you mind?" She make the assumption , declares her assumption (so as many people as possible hear her), then expects Daaaaddeeee to just cave to her whims.
I wonder if most SD's use this tactic? I did mention it to DH, he started to disagree, but I gave him a few examples, he thought for a second, then he realized she does do it quiet often. And again I pointed out that, because she finds it so EASY to control and manipulate him, she believes I am doing it just like her. Which is why she waits til I'm not right with him to corner him, and she knows I haven't called her,,,rather, them out on it.
We meet with the therapist again tomorrow , an I'm looking forward to it. I will recall how he asked what he can do to help me heal, the disrespect in their interaction, the manipulation and control she maintains, and the only thing that will begin the healing process, is DH setting boundaries for OSD.
If for some reason he backs out OR she ignores the boundaries ,I'll start with " if you really Love me...." then,if needed, fire both barrels, "Just who do you think you are? Stomping and whining to get your way. Acting as if he's supposed to ask permission if he wants a drink or buy a car, as if he is a child, what nerve. Then you use your own kids as pawns, for emotional blackmail to manipulate him into doing what you want. I'm not sure if your a control freak or just plain sick. Either way it's COMPLETELY WRONG." I would also add " I can't understand why someone hasn't had the backbone to tell you to mind your own business and that they really don't care what you think. I take it back I do know why, No one wants to deal with the tantrum of an over grown spoiled know it all!!." Any one outside of your minions would not put up with bossy snotty attitude, and tell you to shove it up your golden A_S!!!!
Damn, in a way,I would like to put her in her place, even is DAAADDEEE does it first, just for my own satisfaction, after enduring for sooooo long,(I'm not usually a vengeful person, but...)I'd LOVE just a little payback!!!!
I've ranted more than enough for one entry. I'll update tomorrow!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

This is Very Difficult To

This is Very Difficult

To admit, the LMFT, did the unimaginable. She said i was not entitled to interfear with the dynamics between DH and OSD38 Jawdropping! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! If he allows her to interject herself and control a situation, it's his right and needs no input from me! Shocked It completely goes against every fiber in me , everything I've ever read, and any person I've ever asked! So, now I'm doubting my own judgement.
But I have learned more about why he allows such behavior, he is overcompensating ( with his remaining kids) for the loss of their brother OSS (would be 40 now) which was near the time BM dumped them without notice with DH, and split town with her new BT ( I just made up Boy Toy, Lol) He says he is working on getting it through his head, that he has nothing to make up for.
I feel a bit betrayed, by DH and therapist!, . But I'll hang in there ....for now , but also feel my perception is off somehow. Damn! I thought things were moving in the right direction. What poster said "One Skid forward, two Skids back"? Now I get what they meant!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I'm not any happier today

I'm not any happier today

than I was last night. I still feel.. betrayed..for lack of a better term. I had believed marriage was another word for team, that you worked together, protected and defended each other. Now I find I have to change my perception. I probably need meds!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I may need to change my

I may need to change my perception, but I have had my say. My say about rotten it is that us women who marry men with adult kids who somehow manage to run daaaddee's life, get no warning. I knew my DH for 8yrs before we started "dating", and I really had no clue this would happen. Even once we started seeing each other, he would put others off and talk to me about plans that really had nothing to do with me, just to get my thoughts. How was I supposed to know that would change, and to this degree? But, it always seems to be one step forward ,two back. The therapist has said their dynamics (DH & OSD) was their business, but once I was able to let her know, that interaction intruded on MY life and how extensively, she did agree that was unaceptable and next time she wants to see DH alone. Not sure if thats good or bad since last time I thought it was good and it turned out badly for me. Next time they may decide it's time for me to go to the Funny Farm! No pun intended

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

Therapy can sometimes demand

Therapy can sometimes demand we see things we had never known were there- it works both ways. I came from the same viewpoint, that all DH's actions and interactions with his kids impacted on me, and he couldn't see it.
But, what I couldn't see was that I was allowing these things to impact on my life, when they really needn't do so. Now I am disengaged I do not get involved in DH's family life at all. He had his family and that messed up stuff long before he met me... it really isn't any of my business...

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hi Fairyo, I sadly agree,

Hi Fairyo, I sadly agree, therapy does show us things weather we want to see them or not. But I still can't see disengaging form all the skids when only one is a problem. When I was informed (years ago) that Christmas would be at "daaaddee's house" his permissiveness did impact me,and I have no idea what else I could have done.It mostly bothered me because that year I had to work Christmas Day( Swing shift)and they decided to have their gathering in the afternoon and evening, so the last of them was just leaving when I got home from work. I didn't have to worry about clean up, as my DH always does the kitchen in the mornings (til this day). I did express my disapproval to DH at the time and all he said was " fine ,I'll call her and tell her YOU said that can't have it here". Which of course didn't happen, but it made me that much madder. I think it was more the matter we were informed instead of asked, and it seem like an intentional exclusion by OSD.
He has evolved some because that wouldn't happen today!
And sometimes we don't find out these changes until we arrive somewhere. I really wish we could take two cars, but sometimes it's not possible, especially with the up coming holidays, we do get snow and my vehicle is the 4x4. And for some reason ( not sure why) we don't drive each others vehicles, but I really wouldn't be comfortable with him driving the RV. He's used to his low,2dr, sport type car, and I'm the one with the commercial licence. I know ,I got off topic.
I just don't understand how he can comply when she has a tantrum and yells "don't be offering my daaddee alcohol!" or "My daaddee doesn't need to drink" . We have have a drink together on occasion when she's not around! It just pisses me off that he's SO concerned with not upsetting her!
That's ok, we have a mutual friend, that is his Ex's former BIL( her dh died) and he called to ask if (dh wasn't here!) if one of us could SERVE some papers to dh's EX? And since he wasn't here , I made the executive decision and said yes.And the papers were drop here before DH returned. But I will definitely take pleasure in delivering them!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

fairyo's picture

No one insists you have to

No one insists you have to disengage- you do it only for yourself. If only one is a 'problem' then try disengaging from them only. I have three skids- two of them I can get on with- one I don't. However, DH doesn't see it that way- he thinks I hate all his kids. I don't, but I can't make him see that. In the end you can only control your own responses and the way you behave.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Well, I decided a few

Well, I decided a few things, first almost all relationship articles say when couples argue, the subject of their disagreement usually isn't the true issue. Second I thought. Bull SH_T!!! I'm pissed that DH caves to the ODD's whims and demands regardless of any other decision or plans we have already made! Then I started to think about why it pisses me off so much and as I was explaining it to myself (hey, it's easier than driving someone else nuts with constant B _T__ H__G) I thought maybe it would be a good way to explain it to DH, so I did. It went sort of like this : Remember way back when you had me pick colors to paint the bathroom? Then the kitchen? Later 2 colors for the siding? (he did recall) I had a really hard time picking and asked why you wanted me to pick? You told me that you wanted me to, because you knew I had never been able to have a say in anything like that and you wanted to give me that chance. Since that time, everytime you have asked my opinion, or input, or let me decide, I have seen it as a gift. A gift you gave me because you valued my thoughts and feelings, and I was important to you.(he could see that, said in a way it was true) When you let someone (meaning ODD) dictate or change any plans or decision you have given to me, OR we have made together, it's like you snatch that gift from me and give it to them (HER).
Well ,he thought for a minute and said he could understand how I might see it that way, then said he thought we had settled that when he told her "we'll see" at the last gathering when she wanted to know if we would return the next day also. I don't know why he would think an appropriote response one time would give me a garentee of all future interaction? Going to have to ask about that one. If I don't ask now it will drive me CRAZY all NIGHT!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I told DH my perception, that

I told DH my perception, that the choices he offered me from the beginning felt like gifts, and that feeling has stayed with me. I explained that when he gives me those gifts, then takes them away, it is very painful! He recalled , that was the way he intended them and that he should have realized that he was in fact, taking those gifts back. We both cried, he apologized profusely and promised he would pay more attention to what he was doing in that regard . Which will be a big help to me, it is a major step for him. For now, I want to take a breath, show him I appreciate this acknowledgement.
I can work on him catching the rude remarks later. Yeah like most of our DH's, he doesn't think they were that bad, or directed at me, or (my personal favorite,NOT) "I didn't hear that!" I am calmer, have some sense of peace, and consider that maybe the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a frigging train!
I'm glad I talked to him before his "little accident", he was pulling some 1x's off a shelf in the garage, one fell, he put his arm up to block it from hitting his head, and he got a bit of a skin tear. He's never got a skin tear before, just cuts, guess it proves were both getting old.sigh. But, I keep pressure on it (aspirin you know) got out the steri strips,taped it closed, got the edges lined up quite nicely if I do say so myself. (fyi, I am a former Medic ) If I had waited, I might wonder if he was just appeasing me so I wouldn't hurt him when I changed the dressing, Evil lol.
I forget who's motto is about drinking rum and stabbing people, but I can understand half, I drink straight bourbon, but I don't feel like stabbing people, I do it to KEEP form feeling like stabbing people,lol. Might just be me. I am almost to the point (for today anyway) where I don't even care, and yippy. I better go before I get stupid. Have a good one!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

The thing that ANNOY'S THE

The thing that ANNOY'S THE Hell out of ME!

Is someone telling me to "TAKE A DEEP BREATH" Bullshit! Do you really want me to suck that SEETHING and hatred that much deeper???? Seriously ! And Bio Feedback is a crock too!( Just to clarify) When I " take a deep breath" whatever emotion is in play, I just absorb it that much more. Personally , even with a good feeling, I "take a deep breath" hoping to experience the feeling through my whole body, it's usually accompanied the a soft hum. But, maybe that's just me!
When angry , I plot revenge. There are very few situations where it's possible you get insulted without the offender realizing, and usually it hits the offender not much after they did it, and they reach out to clear any misunderstanding. Isn't that what we'd expect? I just don't get why people say "just let it go", then again I don't understand why people just can't say call someone out for being rude and disrespectful or controlling at the time, and would rather keep quite as to not cause a conflict, when that is the same as telling the person it's acceptable and perfectly ok, and there's no reason not to continue whenever they like.
Then again, why do some people think that some people deserve to be hurt or ignored while inflicting it on other people is ok? Who gets to decide who is worthy and who's not? Errrrrr! I'm getting myself worked up over questions I'll never get the answer to. That in itself, is unfair? I guess it's true that step mothers are treated as second class! Sigh!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

How is someone supposed to

How is someone supposed to just accept new positive gestures after just being told a simple "I'm sorry, I feel really bad for what I did" after long, constant, deep , very painful hurt? What is the difference in , after a simple, "I'm sorry" going forward, getting past, moving on, and just "Letting it Go" ????? Can anyone tell me? Because I can't see any difference! Isn't an apology somehow supposed to feel sincere? I thought bad behavior should be followed with some consequence? Isn't that they way it's supposed to be? Or does the offender get off scott free just by saying "I'm sorry"? That may work for a 3 yr old who takes a toy from a peer, but for an adult who has inflicted emotional pain, over an extended period? For all to be forgiven with a little "I'm sorry"!! REALLY????????????
I hate to just ignore the efforts Now, for things to be better Now, but I have this need or want, or something for him to be somehow punished, I guess I should call it. That he should have to suffer, in some way, for the hurt he caused me. Even if he has made some progress in therapy and is on the right path now, how does that make up for all that time??? Can he make up for all that time?? How would I have him make up for it? How would I have him suffer? I guess that is something I have to answer for myself before I can even think of "getting past, moving forward, or moving on".
How would I have him punished? What punishment would fit the offence or make me say, ok,we're good! that covers it"? What would it be? First, A heart felt,emotional apology would be a nice start, that has more than 2 or 3 sentences. That maybe shows some of the pain that I felt. How about asking for forgiveness? But we all know if we have to tell them (men) exactly what we need, that tend to half ass it, and their are somethings that don't really count if a person doesn't come up with them on their own, right? Or is my perception clouded again? Shouldn't he know he needs to actually ask for forgiveness???????

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Damn Roller Coaster! I want

Damn Roller Coaster!

I want off this one! All this up and down then up again is wearing on me. I gave him a "hypothetical" about weather a person should be punished or not even when apologetic and weather or not they should ask for forgiveness. DH said yes to both, yet dh did not get the connection. Until the next morning, kind of. He did ask to what I was referring , of course he repeated he was sorry then said "please forgive me" in his usual sarcastic way, I just ignored him, and he wasn't interested in emphasizing it.
In therapy we were asked to identify our "core values" ,we had only had one in common, and others were things having nothing to do with "us". Later I told him that was bothering me because I couldn't understand it, he gave another sarcastic answer, changed the subject and walked away. Which I also objected to, then he said he thought I had finished. Why? because I took a breath!? And I thought he was doing so well, sigh.
The only answer is I go back to what I had originally determined. No one really cares what I think, feel , want, need, about anything. If anyone really puts on a good act, I lie and either tell them what they want to hear or what is expected. I don't know if it's a form of disengagement or not , but I will keep all thoughts, opinions, wants , needs to myself, only engage in small talk, nothing that really matters, at least to me. But, weather or not something matters to me , doesn't MATTER!!! I am SO screwed! Emotionally anyway.
Nothing I say will matter. If I speak up, it will only result in disappointment, causing me pain and hurt. This, however brings a pain and hurt of it's own, at least it will be self induced .

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I guess step motherhood has

I guess step motherhood has made some Very bitter. Bitter to the point of total disengagement without exception. I refuse to justify anything on the boards.
And they don't seem to realize that sometimes for ones own protection (emotional) people don't always put everything out there especially when it's too painful. Unless or until we feel forced to revel what we'd rather forget. How sometimes we would rather not re hash certain memories. We'd prefer to look like a fool or whatever, than expose that pain again. No matter, as with our children , at times, we are willing to endure whatever comes to protect our heart from something even worse.
Then the other issue. But I am getting better, I can write that the feelings he once had are gone and not coming back without crying hysterically. I think I could even say it out loud without breaking down, well, I have, without anyone being around to hear it.
Oh, the Holidays, well at least I have got part of that figured. I invited BS31,his WTB and DD6 here for Thanksgivings, but I had totally forgot that DIL TB and her BM always go out VERY early on black friday (2-3am). But DIL TB invited us to join them! Problem with the skids averted ! Don't know if DH will inform them first or wait til we're informed of the plan. I wish he'd wait and that they'd say it when we are together and I won't say a word, but take great satisfaction in him tell them " No, (bs31 & DIL Tb) have invited us to her parents, and we're going there". Just the fact, that it comes from him instead of me will probably shock them into...something. I really shouldn't always say "them" because it's usually just OSD42. I guess I always say they or them just because the rest of the skids just go along with whatever she says, which I don't get. It's almost like they can't think for themselves, they can unless they come under her influence. Maybe it's left over from when they were younger and they got used to her bossing them around unchecked.
Anyway, I have never been one to hold one persons actions against another, no matter what their association. Nor have I ever taken to heart what someone says about another, I have always only judged people on their own merit or flaws, I do hope that never changes, anything less would , I feel, diminish my own integrity .

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I probably should add this

I probably should add this to the thread.but I won't. I know it won't be believed. Who would, no one has jumped fields as I have. school bus to medic to dsp? what are the chances? It's my fault Randy died. I justified with concern for the "safety of the public" just because I couldn't couldn't sleep that night, I should have sucked it up and went in for my shift instead of calling in sick. If I had been the responsible one, as I should have, I would have been there quick enough to save him. We would have been in zone and I would have made the difference. I caused the delayed response, it was my fault as much as Vicky's. He never got to grow up to realize how much he was LOVED! But he will never be forgotten.
At least I have learned one thing here, it's true, with some people, you really don't care what they think of you.
Baby Randy, I will always love you! And I'm sorry!!!!!!!!!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Wow, there is so much going

Wow, there is so much going on , on this site, the things i miss.... I must be the odd ball, I mean I always knew it, from the time I started school. "The days when kids would go outside and play" I never had friends maybe because mom never let me do anything, no school activities, no field trips, no plays, no sports. Granted, I was a clumsy fat awkward kid,but I wanted to try. Maybe it was just me. Sure, later she to shew me out, but it was too late, the damage was done. Later still,I did have a few chances to do some "group" things, movies etc. But if she caught wind their would be a "BOY" in the group, well I quit asking to go.

But there are things we should all pray to GOD, NEVER come back in "style". Like the days when a sexually abused child, who is too young too even speak, is just sent home by doctors because "she can't tell us what really happened or who actually might have done it" when the child was in the care of one person.

I miss the days when you could talk to a stranger on the street, about some random topic, with fear of "offending" them, their political views, sexually orientation, gender identity? Give me a Break! Who really cares what others do in their own bedroom? Or who you do it with? I don't go around proclaiming I'm straight and demanding a Straight Pride Parade!
Guess that's enough for now.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

It's Roller Coaster Time

It's Roller Coaster Time again!

I dare not hope the insight will remain. However, the therapist gave DH a stern talking to, after I asked in front of her, that DH help make it clear that his ex is to stay away from his funeral, there is NO reason OSD42 would "need" her mommy, when she'll have her dh, siblings, her kids, aunts, uncles, yada, yada. The therapist asked why I think this would happen, I explained the intrusions and control she tends to excert. She then explained boundries to Dh (as if he had never heard it before,sigh!) It seems he ACTUALLY GOT IT!, it seemed anyway, but I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worse!
She told him just laughing and declining to participate in whatever when OSD42 tries to "room" us with BM , is not the same as telling her she's out of line even suggesting it. Again, as if he hasn't been told that before. She added how rude and disrespectful it is to me,again..... but I guess hearing it from someone outside, that he has some trust in, has more of an impact. He even said to me later that he feels today was very enlightening for him, and he "felt good about it"! Wow! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!!

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

Major Rant from the Odd

Major Rant from the Odd Ball!

When I read about disengaging, people say, " Make plans with you girl friends. Use that time for your hobby. Do something fun or something you love" It's all greek to me! The few friends I have live hours away, the one that is close is raising her teenage grand-daughter (parents were killed). I have no hobbies really, other than projects on my RV. I hate theaters, not to mention there is only a small 2 screen cinima with-in 40 miles anyway. I hate going into stores (the MALL, yuck) when I'm not looking for something in particular and it's also a 40 mile drive!
There's not much in groups or clubs, ok The Moose Lodge if I knew someone to sponser me. ECV, oh wait, only Men can be members. The gun Club, but my riffle needs a new firing pin(seriously)! Volunteer? Where? The hospital that is only licenced for 5 in-patients? A school? kind of a problem with my work schedule. I LOVED the Fire Department! but I've got way too old for that! So, I have No outside interest.
Now, cell phones! My Dh must be the last person on THE PLANET without one! And he doesn't want one. I have one, but he couldn't even call 911 if we were both about to die! As for anyone chiming in at all hours, there is no service where we live, so if we're home, ( which is almost always unless I'm at work, they better call the house phone. DS got his first cell at 17, and my brother got it for him. DD got one when she was 16 and BF(dad) got it for her and paid the bill for about 2 mos, and he was always broke then she paid it herself.
I also see people saying in a pinch, give the kid( from age 5) your phone to play games! Are they NUTS?!! First of all, I'm not risking a kid dropping it or damaging some other way either, ok, I only paid $ 60.00 for it but I can't afford $ 60.00 everyother month, plus the 40 mile one way drive to replace it, IF they have mine in stock! Second, whatever is in my phone is none of their business! When my kids were still home they knew better than to touch my phone, or the house phone for that matter, without asking, unless they were asked to answer it. Period!
I seen where a lot of people say when the skids show up they don't cook, they suggest going out to eat. Wow, I wish!!! DH would rather everyone starve! He would wait them out, We have no place to dine, the "dinning table" is more his "desk" for papers and bills, even when i fought to keep it cleared, he always refused to sit there to eat, because he can't see the TV! And we have 2 DVR's. Also it a 20 mile drive into town with limited options, besides, his idea of eatting out is BK (we do have that) and it better be the cheapest thing they got! I have learned to take some cash so I can "up grade" my meal, but not everyone knows the rules!
Next, seperating finances! DH paying his share of the household expenses! Really? Ok, we do have seperate checking, BUT, He pays the household bills, ( utilities,satellight,insurance,ect.) he is a traditionalist in that sense. I buy groceries (if he did it would be nothing but lunch meat and cheese EVERY DAY!) pay my auto & medical ins. cell, and smokes, and "Fun money" which means save enough to cover time missed from work from taking a trip, RV parking, the gas for the RV, Christmas, ect. I couldn't tell you how much it is for tv,property tax, occassionally I hear about the power bill, lol, or when any of it is due! I just know nothing has ever been shut off, or cancelled, and when the random crisis comes up (leak in a water line) the plumber comes and gets paid. I do totally rely on him for our basic needs, which is all I can expect. He used to loan out sizable amounts of money to whom ever, seriously, a neighbor $ 2,500.00 for a divorce lawyer, then they stayed married. I put an end to that and started collecting for him, he actually liked how I did that! I'm not sure what his income is.
He does the dishes every day, once in a while I have to let him know I'm almost out of clean socks, No, the laundry is his domain and he'd rather I not do it. He also cleans the bathroom, he says it comes from when he had the kids after the divorce.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

And The Roller Coaster Gose

And The Roller Coaster Gose Up!!!!

I could be wrong. but it kind of feels like the therapist is back peddling, I don't care if she is because this new position she seems to have taken has worked! Before, she had said that DH's relationship with OSD42 was none of my business and he will continue the dynamic. But , this past week, I brought up the fact that she tries to have us "room" with BM on "family " gatherings and trips and DH pointed out we never go and how he laughs at it. Knowing the answer, I asked him, "have you EVER actually said to (OSD42) that she out of line even suggesting such a thing, and not to do it any more? " Of course he had to say no, I told him that his laughing it off might seem like saying that to her, In His Mind! but I promise she's not getting it! The therapist agreed and told him that even the suggestion could be threating me, and that HE is the one that NEEDS to set BOUNDRIES on that! And he apologized and promised he wouldn't let it pass again. Whewww! HUGH, HUGH, HUGH Step! He affirmed it a few times since, so I'm actually starting to believe him, he's NEVER said or implied he would set boundries for her, now he has and I have no reason to doubt him. I hope this will be the first step of many for him to set boundries!
Ohhh, Ohhh, and get this!!! I brought up the great fear I have that OSD42 will "NEED" BM at DH's Funeral (God forbid, he go before me!) and it's not something I will want to deal with at that time and that he needs to be the one to prevent it now, so it won't cause a conflict then and won't be a shock. He said ex would just laugh and say she wasn't planning on attending, I agreed but when presious poopsie goes and says she "needs" her, she'll cave just like EVERYONE does! and that he has to tell OSD42 directly, NOT to ask BM to attend. This was all said in therapist office, Thank God, she agreed and told him I was not making an unreasonable request and asked if he could understand how this could be very hurtful to me, he said he did, so she told him this was he chance to give me a true heartfelt gift and show he actually "got it", he said he would. Now the next problem is how and when to bring it up to her?
He's right saying it's not something he can just blurt out, "Hey, (OSD) by the way, when I die, you are Not to invite BM to my funeral, you're a big girl and shouldn't need your mommy!" Though, I really wish he would do it that way Evil ,lol. It did take some work to make him see that even IF it pisses her off (and it probably will) she's is not going to disown him or never speak to him, she'll "get over it" like she expects everyone else to do when she pisses us off!
I did suggest that next week we actually ask the therapist how he bring this up to her, with her living 3 hours away. They only thing I can think of is, since she will probably be in town for Thanksgiving, and we won't be, we are coming back that Saturday,we could make it early, and she will probably here til sunday, is if we make it a point to meet up with her, and he take her aside for a talk. But I'd bet he still won't want to just bring it up, but I'm sure the therapist will have some suggestion on this.
At least I am looking forward to the next session insted of dreading it. It has been helpful, I haven't always liked what she said, but at least it's getting me to my ultimate goal,
1)Him finally seeing that boundries need to be set
2) and by HIM
3) and how to actually set them

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

mtnwife530's picture

I believe Dh has finally "got

I believe Dh has finally "got it". Although I am not planning a victory party..yet! But he feeds me bits of reasurance every day! But my concern is eleswhere right now, it's........my doggie. I know what some people would say, but with the empty nest...he's my baby. Anyway, I had thought he ripped a nail, (his grooming appt was yesterday)but the groomer said it looked like he had gotten a foxtail stuck between his toes. So, I wrapped it up and looked at it this morning, it looked ok but I picked him up to get a good look, I just picked up my 17lb pup and blood started DRIPPING from his paw! I called an emergency vet told them about it. They said if I got the bleeding stopped (I had) and if he is eating and drinking (all good) he could wait til morning for his regular vet. So, I'll be getting up at 7am to be at his vet at 8, I'm just glad it's only 2 blocks over! Hell, I just walk him up for everything else. I know ,totally off topic but it's what occupies my mind for now. At least he hasn't bled through the bandage and he's his usual spunky self for the time being.

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mtnwife530
SM of 4 adult skids- 10 SGKids
I MUST be Crazy!!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Hang in there with your pup -

Hang in there with your pup - I'm sure he will be ok. If it was really infected you would see signs in his paw and changes in his behavior.

We have "cheat grass" in our area - it is somewhat similar to foxtail and also has barbs. One of my dogs ate enough that she had a whole glob of them stuck in her throat. She started kind of coughing and choking so I took her to the vet. They had to sedate her to get them all out. I felt terrible I didn't realize what was happening sooner.