mtnwife530's picture

Just getting Started

Well, I've never done this before, not sure where to start. I guess I should start at the begining with some background. the truth of the matter is, I met my husband because he worked with my ex. I know, I know, not the best way to start off a relationship , but knowing him for 6 yrs, my kids(2) knowing him,and us knowing each others history did make some aspects easier.He has 5 kids, the oldest, a son,became very ill after Desert Storm, and passed away. He took his son's death very hard, as anyone would.
He was always kind, thoughtful,supportive, and passionate. His oldest daughter never approved of me but she kept it civil. During the teen years , my daughter and him were like oil and water, I did my best to mediate but wasn't always sucessful. Once he gave me the ring, his daughter began to openly disapprove, when my father-in-law to be first asked to see my left hand , she stated "bets have been made that it will never really happen" I was horrified, shocked,embaresed, even angry. When i brought it up to him, at first he denied even hearing it, then it was "don't pay any attention to her, nobody else does" and "it's just the way she is". It hasn't stopped since.
But just over 2 yrs ago, he began pushing me away, emotionally, physically,... it was very hurtful. We tried one therapist, who was a Total D _ _ K. And it was hard enough to get him to agree to see that one. He recently started coming out of this "funk" and started warming up again and I found a new therapist who is AWESOME so far, and I think some progress is being made. Once he learns, communication, even if it hurts is KEY to peace, I will bring out our one and one point of serious contention (kid # 2) ( I give numbers to the kids in order of birth as identifiers for people don't know them by name) and pro pose a solution,hopfully with therapist support, and insist this be dealt with.
Have to go now, and get ready for work.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm asking this gently, did

I'm asking this gently, did your relationship begin as an affair? If so, that would explain his daughter's attitude.

When you say he "physically" pushed you away - can you be more specific? Was it done in anger? Is he still being physical with you? If so, I hope you are being honest with the therapist about it, because that needs to be addressed.

fairyo's picture

Welcome to the site- hope you

Welcome to the site- hope you get good advice here- for me this site is better than any therapy. I think the key here is: 'Once he gave me the ring,' that was your mistake. You haven't said how long you've been married, but it must be a while if these changes took place 2 years ago. Communication is the key to peace- but you can only get peace for yourself- not for him- he has his own battles to fight and I know what grief does to people, even after many years.
There's another post on here that advocates people shouldn't marry other people with children- and that sounds very negative I know- but it is such a minefield of resentment at the 'others' and having to deal with baggage from previous marriages.
I hope the therapy does work- but be aware the outcome may not be what you want it to be, be prepared for both himself and you having to look inside and see stuff you may not want to.
Keep posting- I'd like to know how you get on.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

lieutenant_dad's picture

Welcome welcome! This bit of

Welcome welcome!

This bit of advice is based on the understanding that your OSD (oldest step daughter) is an adult.

Stepkids don't have to like us. Once they leave our homes, they don't even have to be civil to us. They become any other adult, and we can choose whether we interact with them or not.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect respect in your own home. If your DH (darling husband) insists his daughter grace your presence, then she needs to do so respectfully. If not, then she will not be welcome in your home, and likewise, you will not put yourself in her presence elsewhere.

That is what I would propose in therapy. There is absolutely no reason to be disenfranchised or made upset by someone who probably doesn't care if you exist or not. The only reason you are the target is because you're an easy one. If you disappear, someone else will be the new focus.

Disengage. Ask not to hear about her, and if she is brought up in conversation, simply say "that's good/bad for her" and switch the topic. If you make it clear that you won't be involved at all with the drama, your DH will have to make a decision. My hope is that, barring your words really meaning he was abusive, that he chooses you.

Good luck in therapy!

mtnwife530's picture

Thank you all for your gentle

Thank you all for your gentle words. We've been married for 12 yrs now. His first wife had packed up the kids,moved in with her man on the side, while he was at work. that was about 25yrs ago. BM's 3rd DH passed away about 4yrs ago. I don't ask about her. And by "pushed me away physically" I meant as in sex went down the tubes. He's not violent or abusive at all. His kids were never even spanked, which to me says "There You Go!" I had no problem providing "hand to ass therapy" when called for. Now that SD38 lives in the biggest house, it's been declared the "appointed house" for gatherings. Not sure how long SD's BF will put up with the routine invasions, but not my zoo, not my monkeys! He has 1 DD and 1BS, SD has 1DD and 1BS, together DD2 and now DD10 weeks! I wish them luck, NOT! I don't have any beef with SD38 ,but she overlooks her BS's crap. SD38 has SD17 and is just now starting to get the Evil SM lable,so....
But, as for the big picture, I have actually decided if this last ditch effort doesn't pan out, the relationship will probably end, BUT, the marriage will not. He won't file because he doesn't want to be the one to "end it", or "gave up", didn't make the effort or whatever. And I won't because, well,because I want to be the one stirring the pot! You know the old phrase, if your already have the label, might as well earn it! I've never been one to get revenge , but I would like to see a few others endure some of my suffering!
Well, I guess I should give full disclosure. I am only willing to try the nice approach because there may be some PTSD involved relating to the his BS's grave and BM. DH's BS is buried in Vets Cemetery,of course, and since he never married (passed at 23yo) and had no children, a parents my claim the site right behind them. All this started after he found out that thoughtless, cold hearted B___H Ex claimed the spot! She was never in any service, and never said a word about it! He only found out because one of his kids told him! And he served in Viet Nam. He took the loss VERY hard! And the 20th Anniversary of his death was Aug. 8th.
I know it may sound like I'm having a change of heart or now I'm defending him. I know DH was doing some major over compensating with the younger one's. Plus,later,1 1/2 yrs into divorce,he got custody of the remaining 4 and overcompensated for them "not having a mother",which he admits I am not. But if the death of his BS has anything to do with him not confronting SD42 , I Would be the evil B___H! If it's not the case I'll go BALISTIC, Total Meltdown,All Bets Off. I know,this could be a huge waste of time, and I'm not getting my hopes up. I know I've put up with SD42's drama, manipulation,insults,controlling,and intrusive (and demanding) more than I should have. I should have disengaged long ago,but I didn't. In the end, I will always have to live myself and I couldn't, if it turned out he could see the "light". so to speak with some help. Comments on that?
And, as I said, this is all new to me. Want a good laugh, I didn't know what a BLOG was til 3 days ago! ( You're thinking, OMG, She's got to be KIDDING) I'm serious,the only info I've read, is what is on this site, it said it's like a journal or diary, which I take to mean that it's common to just "let it all out" and there's no restriction on the subject (within reason), and I don't have stick to skids issues . If I'm mistaken, I'm sorry and ask for someone to PLEASE let me know before I make a total fool of myself.
The loneliness is been a little harder to cope with. I'm not sure why, but think may because the weather will be changing, with the cold, the snow will fly.I'm sure this will pass . Even though living in BFE doesn't feel so blissful right now, I could never go back to the bay or any other metropolis. When I went to my banks atm today, there was a women standing at it so I stood back and waited. Then I realized she was talking to someone (or so i thought) then I realized I couldn't see a phone. I began to wonder I had been in a coma, and if some new tech atm was put in and voice activated (after you put your card in) she would rattle of numbers, the correct and repeat them,enter, go back,yada yada. It was just after the bank closed, so after a few mins a teller ,on her way to her car notices the women, looks at me as if to say "do you know what she's doing?" I shrugged. the teller pulled closer, rolled down her window, and as i got there I said "I'm guessing that not a new voice interactive machine?" I thought she would crack a rib from laughing, be she manage a "no", and the teller said it it sounded like she might need her meds adjusted or maybe missed a dose! I didn't want to laugh really, I couldn't help it. Any way, the teller pulled up closer to the atm, I couldn't what she said to the women, but the women responded to her then walked away, the teller told me she would wait while I used the atm in case the women came and started trouble, so I thanked her. That's when it it me! I'm OLD I look old, and I was actually glad the teller stayed. What wrong with me! Me! being nervous about a possibly a mentally ill person! and a women at that! Me, who was always ready when PD called for transport. Me, who would be right in the thick of it when a physic pt. of 300lbs got violent and needed 4 point leather restraints! Me who had no fear getting a call at midnight in downtown Richmond, even having blonde hair!
I guess 25 plus years in the middle of no where, 30 miles to a traffic light, closest hospital being 20 miles ...and they only have 5 beds, and every face i see (almost) is at least mildly familiar, it all has wore down my courage and confidence. It's so sad when fear sets in on the fearless.

mtnwife530's picture

One more thing, If anyone

One more thing, If anyone would be so kind as to give me a list of the abrev. used here. I've learned DH,SM,SD,SS,BM,BD, but that's about it. If any of them could be considered offensive, you can message them to me, Thanks Puzzled

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Look at FAQ under the Menu

Look at FAQ under the Menu tab in the upper left hand corner of the main page. It lists all of the abbreviations.

mtnwife530's picture

I felt better today, worked

I felt better today, worked my rear off getting ready for BD25 visit next week! I even found a few post on dealing with skids BM that I could read to DH! He got a kick out of a few, then asked what site I was getting them from! (Opps!) "It's just some post about dealing with DH's ex" He just went "ahh" and left if at that. I really do want to show him this site to prove normal people believe it's the BP who should confront the DS's & DD's when they are rude, disrespectful , or otherwise out of line. But I want to do it when he's more receptive to the idea. I honestly think if I find a few more things on dealing with BM that he takes to heart, I could throw one in about his DD! He actually took my "maybe it's fear" speech as very possible. I made sure I emphasized the boundaries must be set on unacceptable behavior, he didn't agree, BUT,he didn't disagree. That's HUGH! But I still have my guard up, and even if he does take it all the way, I'll be ready for a relapse. Nothing that good could last forever!

fairyo's picture

Hi! 12 years is a long time.

Hi! 12 years is a long time. I'm not sure where to start with my response, but what I have picked up is that you're dealing with a DH who finds it difficult standing up to his ex and his children? Does DH only have the one daughter and no other children? Apart from the one who died?
You say that his behaviour changed about two years ago? Is that when the whole thing about the grave kicked off? This is a sensitive issue and one I have sympathy about. As he gets older I sense this issue gets worse instead of better.
Now, to you. You mention the lack of intimacy. I have this too.
You mention fear setting in on the fearless. I had this too.
You mention the loneliness. I have this too.
In the end we have to care for ourselves when that care we thought we had from another dries up. You need to work on whatever it is that will raise your self-esteem- the issue at the ATM was just self-recognition that you are changing too.
Six months ago I felt I was losing myself- I was not dealing with things in the way I usually did because DH was not considering me as a person with feelings. I gave up a lot for him because I thought he had been worth it- now the person he really was all the time was emerging and I wasn't sure I could handle that indifference.
Finding this site, as it is with so many people, helped me to regain my self-esteem, my previous courage, my love of life.
I am still with DH but our life has changed a great deal- there is no physical intimacy, no affection, and very little communicating about what I think is important. Other than that- we get along fine!
I have stepped back from the deep and meaningful to create some space, the superficial seems to be what he wants. For now, I have to accept it.
My only advice is to try to reconnect with that person you were/want to be again. She hasn't gone away, she is just ground down by all the 'other' people in her life who mean nothing to her. I had to go out and find people who thought like me, I had to reconnect with old friends. I am lucky to have lots of great people in my life now. I hope that it will happen for you too. Stay strong.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hi Fairyo, It is nice to know

Hi Fairyo, It is nice to know someone else has been there. Thank you!. Yea, there are more kids, he has BD40, BS38, and BD36. He had a total of 5. And the rest of are great, aside from the fact they over her bs, not completely, they say "oh A" or "whatever" and say no one pays attention to her any way, when something is directed at me. They are ,I guess , used to just going along with what plans she may change.And they are always yelling to each other, I said to, not at. I'm told it come from childhood , if they didn't yell, they wouldn't be heard. I have, BS31, & DD25, who never were loud like they are. And I only have 1 BB. DH was the oldest of 5. (he's from Utah, I think it might be a law to have 5 kids, lol)
Meeting people is difficult living in the middle of nowhere, seriously! and I several hundred mile from where I grew up. not that I had friends then either. But I know I'll get through it, as miserable as it might be. The only bright spot I can see, is that my DD25 is flying in tuesday for a week, I haven't seen her in 2 yrs. I figured at next weekends gathering, I;ll stick as close as i can to her (without driving her nuts,if possible) they may avert some shots at me.
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I'm still trying to the house ready for my DD's visit.You can be sure I'll be updating

mtnwife530's picture

Hello again. I just couldn't

Hello again. I just couldn't end the day without sharing this tidbit. I been reading some post to DH, most about unrelated issues,I read the post then some of the comments. He has said the DD's are out of line and how he "wouldn't put up with that." I know, I know, but it's a start. Then a wise person sent me a pm, that , in part, said " sometimes, are DH are afraid of confronting BM and DD's ,but like it when we do because it saves them the trouble". I told my DH,as he thought about it, he snickered a bit and said he hadn't thought about it before, but it was true.Light bulb moment! I'll take it as permission to fire back at will! And I plan to do just that at the first rude,intrusive or other offensive remark! And I'm sure he won't defend them any more than he did me. I'm actually starting to look forward to next weekend!

fairyo's picture

Great that you're feeling

Great that you're feeling more upbeat- I don't know where I would be without my DD (I also have a son, but he's useless!) she and her two boys are the true joys of my life and I see them often even though they are more than one day's journey away.
You could be on to something with your observation of DH's attitude. My DH never criticises his kids- EVER- even though they are far from perfect. However, he is not so obliging when I criticise them, which I don't do anymore, I just ignore their existence!
It may be that he accepted my opinion of them, but never agreed, whilst wishing I hadn't been harsh about them. He calls me 'caustic.'
I really feel now knowing all I know, that DH wanted me to be rival to BM- he wanted me to be better, kinder, softer than she is around them. That's a hard target, as I'm not a naturally 'nice' person- as I used to tell him when we first met, but now I think he knows what I meant. He really wanted me to be involved with his family, and I was for a while- but no more, ever.
IN DH world it is ok to lie down and have your kids walk all over you, he seems to think that's what parent's do- but in my world children should respect and care for their parents.
For me it will always be an issue between us, but one of his making.
Have a great time with your DD.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Well, my DD made it home for

Well, my DD made it home for a visit, no thanks to me, the short of it,when she told me she decided to change the flight to tuesday instead on monday (Labor Day) I thought she changed both flights not just the return. I had volunteered to cover for someone else and was supposed to work monday.But it worked out, I picked her up from the airport and it's all good.
The big gathering is supposed to be sunday (BBQ at SD34's house) not sure how that will go,a large wildfire broke out yesterday, got up this morning to my suv COVERED in ash. The fire is about 10 miles from where the gathering is supposed to be. I had my DD25 drop me at work so she could use my car, when I asked where she planned to go (after a hesitation)one stop she wanted to make was to see my DH's EX! WTF. I know,unfortunately I set the example of not holding someone accountable for an offense they hadn't committed against me. I made a low growl and told her to drive safe.She also went to visit SS38 and SD34. She knows I don't get along with her, but not exactly why. I guess I feel like I shouldn't involve her, that it's not her problem. I know why m DD wanted to see her, they're "Church Buddies". (my words not hers) Damn, couldn't have my DD25 picked some other religion??? No, she had to follow the in laws! She could have followed her bio-brother (BS31) and declared herself Atheist! What's a parent to do?
Anyway, the best I can hope for ,is at the "gathering" we don't have the meal time repeat , it goes like this: I ask DH,,"would you like me to get you something to eat? DH: "no, I'm not quite ready" Me:"ok" I get up for what ever reason, 30 seconds later SD42 " Daaddee, don't you want to eat? I'll make you a plate of...." DH: "yeah, ok, that sounds good" Jawdropping! I almost blow a gasket! because I KNOW she HEARD me ask HIM! I must say, the last few occasions , I specifically asked him not to accept any offers that he has declined from me in the past 5 minutes, and he hasn't.
Here's a new one, does anyone think this is weird, DH had a GF many years ago, and when she drank(most of the time) would beat the CRAP out of him,he would have bruises and scratches on his face( I know, I seen it for myself) This old GF had a DD and when DH and old GF were together, it was the only stability this child ever knew. Fast forward 20 yrs, this child now an adult moves back to town alone and drops in to see DH (she also can't stand her BM) and gets to meet new wife (me). She's very polite, respectful, promises to never tell BM she has even seen DH. (she kept her word!) One day, DH's former SD come to our house, arms and face bruised and she was still crying, a BF had done it. She ask DH if she could rent the spare room for a few months. DH says to go out to back yard and ask "the boss". She comes out and asks, it's apparent why, the boss says yes. The former SD has a job pays rent as agreed,not only keeps her room clean but helps in the rest of the house. After about 3 months, finds a studio and moves into it. Still drops by to say hi, and pet sits on request. I was told I was weird for letting this young lady stay with us. She introduces us as her "adoptive parent" to her friends. Does anyone else think this was weird??

mtnwife530's picture

ugghhh. So pissed, they did

ugghhh. So pissed, they did it! Called this am ,wanted to change BBQ to today! he says
"hold on, let me ask(DW). of course with them on the phone ,not even covering the damn thing! what am I supposed to say ! Thrown under the bus AGAIN!!!!!!!! I'm so pissed , I'm shaking!!!!!!!!!!!!

mtnwife530's picture

Well, we went and of course

Well, we went and of course there was no BBQ, they cooked inside so they " didn't have to be in the smoke from the fire".whiners! I did lay into DH before going, i guess it helped some, because right before we left OSD42 (rude and controlling) said to "Daaddee, you're coming back tomorrow, right?" as he was standing with arm around me, he told her "We'll see" OSD, "Oh Daaddee,you're coming" DH repeated "We'll See" then we left. So, that was good,it was a first. She did the eye roll and said "whatever' under her breath, which warmed the cockerels of my Heart Evil
funny thing is DH can't remember what time we're supposed to be there (if we do go) Ha, and neither do I! 1:00pm. But, I seem to recall hearing something about 2:00 or 2:30 but I can't be sure,(again Evil )
It's progress. She wants to get into a Pi_s_ng contest,let her bring it! For ONCE I refuse to let her control either one of us, and I think DH realizes I'm fed up!!!!

fairyo's picture

Hi- yes, there are some

Hi- yes, there are some complicated relationships here. I couldn't get over the food thing though- two women 'fighting' over who gets him a plate of food??? Sorry, but here in Fairyland men get their own food, unless they have no arms or legs. I would drop that right away. Let her serve him the damn food if she chooses!
Your DD can choose whatever religion she wants of course, and if she wants to see her steps then let her. I tell my DD all about my skids- (you have to unload on someone) and they met as adults so have nothing in common and don't 'gel' at all. Whether you open up to DD is a matter for you alone.
You did well at the barbie to ignore OSD and you are right not to care what time to go today. I would let DH go alone- tell him you're unwell after the BBQ (must have been something you ate) and you need some rest.
Top tip- when skids are involved, ask yourself- 'Do I really want to do this?' If the answer is no. don't do it.
Today DH and I were going to go somewhere together but it involves popping to SS's for a coffee on the way back- no way Jose- I'm staying home!

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hi Fairyo, my DD has always

Hi Fairyo, my DD has always gotten along with the skids, in fact they have always been very kind to her. I just hate the fact she made it a special point to visit their BM! while driving my CAR!
I did have a few SERIOUS words for DH yesterday before we left. No yelling and asked if he REALLY expected an honest answer if skids are right there or on an open phone line? Then I asked if he really wanted me to bring up our "plans" ( it would be TMI even for here) within earshot? He did suggest an alternitive that I agreed to. And , before we left, OSD says "You'll be back tomorrow? won't you, Daaddee?" and ,with arm around me, he says "We'll see" OSD "Oh, you'll be back" DH repeats "We'll see" while I stood gazing lovingly at him, Ah, a moment of Bliss!
On the food thing, as a general rule, I don't serve him food, trust me! But, he had some serious back issues and a lot of pain, but he had back surgery and is almost fully recovered, thus the threat about him having her get him a plate.

mtnwife530's picture

I slept well last night,felt

I slept well last night,felt better. Damn! I hope this isn't the start of a roller coaster of emotions! drove today to BS's and DIL TB's house since they're 45min from the airport and I'm 4hrs and DD had never met DIL TB. Called DH, he was surprised, when I gone I usually don't call, and he never calls me either , but since I intend to be sweet as pie for his "we'll see" response, and remind him nothing bad happened, even if she had caused a scene, he was able to go home and not have to deal with her. But me being upset would not pass so quickly, and he has to live with me!
I also have to call the therapist in the morning to see if I can get us an earlier appointment. If not I will have to have a work schedule I really don't want, which is not having my days off all in a row.
I did sent her an email telling her that gentle negotiation wasn't going to help. That each of us needs to be told in no uncertain terms, what behavior is causing disruption in the relationship,and how to correct it. If it's not straight forward, especially for DH, it won't sink in! After so many years of being told I have to "let it go" , whenever OSD or BM shoots off their mouth, I don't think I could take hearing it again. If I do, I'll take it as I must be out of touch with reality and in need of serious professional help.
Of course, it's the only thing going through my mind, and will be, until i get a definitive answer. In a way, I feel like I come across as I am right and theres no way I can be wrong in thinking DH should have put a stop to OSD and BM being,controlling rude and condescending, but every involved person I've talked to has said the only one that can set the boundary ( short of disengagement) is him.
God, I hope this works, I want to be happy again!!!

fairyo's picture

I hope it works too- but

I hope it works too- but something is telling me you are still trying to solve an unsolveable problem. So, who did you send the e-mail too? BM? SD? DD?
What definitive answer are you seeking?
I know that these issues have been going on a long time but they won't be solved overnight. It is a very slow process. For me, it has taken me six months to get some peace of mind again.
You want to be happy again?-Stop seeing it as a destination-happiness is not a memory, though happy memories can see us through dark times, but you can create small acts of happiness for yourself everyday. Start loving yourself more, do things you like to do. Eventually the pressure of having to please people will dissipate.
Good luck with the therapy and hope DH's back is better soon.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

I had emailed therapist, who

I had emailed therapist, who contacted me yesterday evening and said she wanted to see just DH, today , from where we just returned.
I an email to the therapist telling her, I am afraid I'm going to hear once again, that I need to "just let it go" about him allowing OSD42 to insult and demean me,determining what we do and when, what we can and can't do,and attempts to force use to "room" BM (which did fail). If I am so much out of touch with reality for thinking her actions are unacceptable and that DH should be the one to take a stand, arrangements need to be made for my care and DH needs to be informed of it.
After the session, I was not taken to the "funny farm", but of course, I got no feedback from the therapist and DH only said that they " didn't talk about" me. I asked how much trouble I was in (for giving TMI to therapist since the therapy was about his disconnection from me) and he said I haven't done anything wrong. I know it was all confidential, but I'm a need to know person, what's going on? what's the plan,? how are we going to handle this? I really HATE, HATE, HATE, having things up in the air, unsettled, whatever you want to call it. I need to know what steps are being taken to reach the end goal.
I don' get to know why DH disconnected. I don't get to know why I just have to let it go. I guess therapy was the wrong decision, maybe not, perhaps starting next week I will be referred to a Ph.D that prescribes meds, or maybe an inpatient facility. Someone needs an intense invention SOON!

mtnwife530's picture

Had a nice dinner with the

Had a nice dinner with the in-laws this evening. They are visiting from out of state MIL,SIL,BIL. Just the adults, lol. I don't recall what was said, but at one point this morning, I remember now, YSD's BF was supposed to drop off some firewood for us,(we only have wood heat) on Monday, I was gone taking my DD to the airport. I had forgotten about it til this morning when I realized I hadn't seen a pile in the side yard,so I asked him about it. DH said he kinda figured they might flake out as they have before, I could see he was disappointed in them, just then,he walked over to me, gave me a hug and said " it's ok, it's you and me against the world". WOW, another moment of Bliss! but, I did feel a bit bad for him. Is it possible that the therapist got through? Something finally clicked? Has he decided that maybe, I should be the most important person in his life? That would be amazing, but I will not get my hopes up too, much,and I need to make sure he knows how much this change means to me and he see's how much more relaxed we are together because of this change. I don't know exactly why or what inspired this new attitude, but it's nice to see. The feeling is as warm as the one I got from his "We'll see" statement. I sure hope it lasts!!!!

mtnwife530's picture

Ahh, so far so good. We

Ahh, so far so good. We haven't gotten any wood yet, big surprise there,NOT! Starting monday I'll start working 16 hrs a week (3 days),up from the 9 I have been (2 days). And I'll still do the occasional weekend, at least weekends are done at home.
Things have been pleasant here at home, I continue to express gratitude for DH's "We'll See " response to DD, and his "it's you and me against the world" (I always loved that song).But I still wonder if I am out of touch with reality and am actually expected to let it all go. I feel it would be very unfair of anyone to expect that of me, and it would be very hurtful. But delusional people don't see the way things truly are and that's what scares me. People who are of touch think their is something wrong with everyone else, but not with them. What if that's what I've been doing with OSD and the BM? From all I've read here and heard from others, that's not the case, but it might as well be if no one will openly back me up. Maybe I am just making, no, I am just making myself crazy,but I don't know how to get past it. I hate to do it, but I think I will send another email to the therapist. I know I don't pay her for on-line sessions, but I can only be assured of making my point uninterrupted and without total emotional breakdown. Still unsure if it helped last time, but the helplessness on this subject is VERY difficult to deal with.

fairyo's picture

I am impressed that with DH

I am impressed that with DH and that therapy seems to be working for him. Me and DH are getting more and more back as we were and that is good, but it has been very slow and very painful at times.
I understand that you need to 'know' because I was like that. I got into a situation where I felt DH was rejecting my help because he stopped talking to me. It took me months to 'let go,' it is a bit like an addiction, you hate it but somehow you need it.
You said you continue to express gratitude to DH? Why? You shouldn't thank him for something he should be doing anyway, which is putting your relationship first.
Although DH says it's you and him against the world at the moment it seems that it's you against yourself.
I think that separate therapy for him seems to have worked,so why not separate therapy for you?
In the end I didn't go to therapy- been there and done that and it never really helped me. I often tell people to try it, but not to be surprised if it doesn't go the way you want it to.

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Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

Hello Fairyo, I've had to

Hello Fairyo, I've had to "let it go" for over 2yrs in some areas and 15yrs in others. I want him to see day to day life is much more pleasant. Over the past few years, I've been short,defensive, even a little snide, and I just remembered why, some time ago, almost 2yrs, after OSD interjected herself, he made a comment to the effect he'd rather have me upset with him than her because it was easier. So, I had decided to test that theory. I knew I had a reason but couldn't remember what it was, until 2 days ago. I guess I had it somewhere in the back of my mind and had testing that theory ever since.
The therapy was started as couples, but she did say at some point she would see each one of us separately 1-2 times, however, this covered under MY insurance. He does see someone through the VA,(monthly,can't do more)but there is no way I can talk to them,and of course DH isn't talking ,about that any way. I really felt if an outside source point out that ODD has been doing some serious over stepping and it's not just me being over sensitive, it would get through.
With so much improvement in attitude(VA increased med dose) and the recent small steps, I thought there would be a better chance of continued progress if he seen that it did have an positive impact overall. On the order of Positive Reinforcement. Even though he knows old methods once used by shrinks, he's not familiar with newer behavioral modification (i.e. positive reinforcement, Active ignoring, and positive practice,emotional currency) but that is a whole other story.
I know in the past, I have fallen for the "Ok, I'm sorry, Next time I'll,...." and so as I "let it go" the incident would be out of his mind and his apologetic attitude gone as well. But, now, he's trying to plan how he is going to deal with ODD, before we encounter her and his priority seems to be keeping me from getting upset, instead of her.
Nighttime seems to be worst of all for me. It's dark, the house is quiet, that's when I realize just how many answers I don't have. It's like being lost, blindfolded without tools. If lost, you can look for the best direction to go, add the blindfold and in 2 steps, you might fall off a cliff,if you have a stick you can feel for solid ground. If you have nothing you can do but sit there and hope someone will rescue you.

fairyo's picture

Well maybe I just learned the

Well maybe I just learned the hard way- no one came to rescue me so I had to save myself- once saved, I never want to let go again.
It sounds like DH is making some attempt to rescue you and himself. My DH has never said sorry to me.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

hi Fairyo, That's just it! If

hi Fairyo, That's just it! If i am going to save myself, I need the tools to do it, in this case, INFORMATION, to finish things left undone, Learn DH's thought process, plan to avoid the SD trap in the future, and the tools to put it all together!I f you have all available info, you have a better chance of saving yourself! Make sense? Though,in the past I have overlooked it, I can tell when DH says something just to apeaes me, but over the past few weeks, that has not been the case. As I have said, if any of these skids issues or his emotion shut down has anything at all to do with the death of his OS, I have to give him every opportunity to work through it, I would be a sorry excuse of a human being if I didn't.

mtnwife530's picture

The Wonders Never Cease! I

The Wonders Never Cease!
I finally worked up the nerve to straight up ask DH if the one on one visit with the therapist was of any help? He'said he thought it was, but no more. I pushed a bit more, told him I still half expected him to break the news that I was going to the "funny farm" because of my "delusional" views about deserving respect and the things that bother me that I keep being told I should let go. And the only light I see at the end of the tunnel was just a train. He finally broke down ,nearly in tears, and said he was supposed to ask me a question but was afraid to. He finally asked what he could and needed to do to put us on track and try to make up for my pain, he couldn't take it all back, but wanted to try. It was,in part, about his son who died.
I almost fell over! Then got a little tongue tied. I told him I very much appreciated what he had done,I did feel he was making a real effort to reconnect with me. And ,if he could remedy the only other point of contention between us, we would definitely be well on our way to a better relationship. He asked exactly that would be. I told him that he need to talk to his ODD, and tell he it was unacceptable to insult me, to stop blaming me everytime we didn't do something she thinks we should, demean our relationship, and to tell either one of us what we can't do, or even state disapproval when we haven't asked for it.
I told him I knew this isn't something he would enjoy, and he didn't have to be mean in doing it. But that he will have to be firm since we both know she try to cut him off with "but Daaddee" and not want to listen and he will have to insist. He said he knows that.
Then I told him I Love him, gave him a hug and kiss and dropped the subject. I will insist on at least being near by,if not with him during this talk, to insure the boundaries are clear. And that he includes that if she can't respect these boundaries, we will leave and then stop attending when she is present and that she doesn't try to use her kids for emotional blackmail. I doubt that DH telling her she will respect me ,will cover ( at least in her mind )not to plan "Family Trips" where she tries to put us in a room, suite, or cabin with BM!!! Yes, she has TRIED, but never even come close to happening! Hopefully he agrees it would be best to talk to her face to face and to make the drive to do it at her home. She lives 200 miles away,and my BS lives in the same area, so we can invade him and GF( aka WTB) overnight,lol. If he waits until she is in town, either BM, the rest of her siblings would be close enough to possibly interrupt. If it's done at her home and she has a tantrum, we can just leave!
Of course I will remain on this site, I know issue will come up at some point, I hope to have the info be I need it. And always to remind myself,someone, somewhere probably has it worse. If it does all work out (keep your fingers crossed) maybe it will help someone else.

fairyo's picture

This is very good news! Well

This is very good news! Well done, especially on the grief side of things- seems you found good therapists there. You reacted in just the right way except... except why do you 'insist' on being nearby? It sounds like even though there has been a breakthrough you still don't trust him? Or putting words into his mouth? I think it is a good idea to go to her for the reasons you have outlined but I'm not sure I would be there in the room, so to speak.
I know our circumstances are different and I don't know what is going to happen in the coming months either, but I let my DH do everything with his kids without me being there. It is working. I think it is working for all of us, but of course I could be wrong!
I hope you get the resolution you need after all your hard work.

—

Fairy steps are sweet at the start, but you are soon on the road to nowhere...

mtnwife530's picture

I am Hopeful at this point,I

I am Hopeful at this point,I am worried about her cutting him, starting in with the "Whatever Daaddee" Ohh, I thought of something even better, I can take the sgkids for a walk or something, and her DH can stay, he will insure she lets Daaddee say what he has to say! The therapist did say she would like to see DH get some intensive therapy with VA. We all know how that system works. I just plan to be supportive , and find whatever resources I can get for him, I should be able to, after all that's my job. Seriously, my paid job. Speaking of job, I better get moving or I'll be late. Hope everyone has a Great Day! Smiling

mtnwife530's picture

Just had a Revelation! I

Just had a Revelation!
I just had a Revelation. I was pondering all the disrespectful, rude, and manipulative actions by OSD, and it hit me! She never asks HD a question, or request, she always uses, "You'll come with us,right,Daaaddeeee" or " Daaaddeee doesn't mind, do you" instead of "would you like to come with us,dad? or "Dad, do you mind?" She make the assumption , declares her assumption (so as many people as possible hear her), then expects Daaaaddeeee to just cave to her whims.
I wonder if most SD's use this tactic? I did mention it to DH, he started to disagree, but I gave him a few examples, he thought for a second, then he realized she does do it quiet often. And again I pointed out that, because she finds it so EASY to control and manipulate him, she believes I am doing it just like her. Which is why she waits til I'm not right with him to corner him, and she knows I haven't called her,,,rather, them out on it.
We meet with the therapist again tomorrow , an I'm looking forward to it. I will recall how he asked what he can do to help me heal, the disrespect in their interaction, the manipulation and control she maintains, and the only thing that will begin the healing process, is DH setting boundaries for OSD.
If for some reason he backs out OR she ignores the boundaries ,I'll start with " if you really Love me...." then,if needed, fire both barrels, "Just who do you think you are? Stomping and whining to get your way. Acting as if he's supposed to ask permission if he wants a drink or buy a car, as if he is a child, what nerve. Then you use your own kids as pawns, for emotional blackmail to manipulate him into doing what you want. I'm not sure if your a control freak or just plain sick. Either way it's COMPLETELY WRONG." I would also add " I can't understand why someone hasn't had the backbone to tell you to mind your own business and that they really don't care what you think. I take it back I do know why, No one wants to deal with the tantrum of an over grown spoiled know it all!!." Any one outside of your minions would not put up with bossy snotty attitude, and tell you to shove it up your golden A_S!!!!
Damn, in a way,I would like to put her in her place, even is DAAADDEEE does it first, just for my own satisfaction, after enduring for sooooo long,(I'm not usually a vengeful person, but...)I'd LOVE just a little payback!!!!
I've ranted more than enough for one entry. I'll update tomorrow!!!

mtnwife530's picture

This is Very Difficult To

This is Very Difficult

To admit, the LMFT, did the unimaginable. She said i was not entitled to interfear with the dynamics between DH and OSD38 Jawdropping! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! If he allows her to interject herself and control a situation, it's his right and needs no input from me! Shocked It completely goes against every fiber in me , everything I've ever read, and any person I've ever asked! So, now I'm doubting my own judgement.
But I have learned more about why he allows such behavior, he is overcompensating ( with his remaining kids) for the loss of their brother OSS (would be 40 now) which was near the time BM dumped them without notice with DH, and split town with her new BT ( I just made up Boy Toy, Lol) He says he is working on getting it through his head, that he has nothing to make up for.
I feel a bit betrayed, by DH and therapist!, . But I'll hang in there ....for now , but also feel my perception is off somehow. Damn! I thought things were moving in the right direction. What poster said "One Skid forward, two Skids back"? Now I get what they meant!

mtnwife530's picture

I'm not any happier today

I'm not any happier today

than I was last night. I still feel.. betrayed..for lack of a better term. I had believed marriage was another word for team, that you worked together, protected and defended each other. Now I find I have to change my perception. I probably need meds!