How do you avoid resentment and burnout even with good Skids?
Does anyone else ever find yourself snapping at something small and then realizing it is due to some frustration/resentment that you have tried to stuff down?
DH is pretty good when in making his teen boys chores. But when they slack off, and DH doesn't stay on top of them things get left undone. like doing minimal kitchen clean up, taking out the trash and recycling. Simple easy chores that keeps our house from becoming trashy and messy. Buy then one of the kids will slack off and we have crusted food on counters and overflowing recycle bin. To me that is just gross so I guess that is one of my pet peeves. I do plenty around here for his kids so I just leave the mess but it gets on my nerves when they don't do it and DH doesn't notice so he does not enforce.
I had such a moment recently when one of the skids slacked off (more because DH didn't notice and enforce). So now I'm wondering if is resentment/frustration built up? We have been together 5 years and had full custody of his teen boys who are pretty good kids. Their BM is supposed to take them half of every summer. This summer she can't make the time (but of course has all the time to make with her boyfriend traveling on the road). So this summer I get NO BREAK or time alone with DH. BM loves her kids but takes no responsibility financially or otherwise for them. DH even tried to get her to find other times during the year to see them that aren't in the custody order and she "can't commit even a week of her time"!!!
So BM is unencumbered with her children having freedom with her boyfriend and never working, and I can only get an occasional night out with my DH because we are the only ones responsible for the kids. They are teen boys and leaving them alone more than one night without an adult is not a good idea, well because they are typical immature teen boys 
After snapping over slacked off chores, I then get upset with myself that I can get easily fed up over small stuff. DH cannot make BM take her kids. He can't afford to take her to court and besides, she was never forced by a judge to get a job and contribute to her kids. Truth be told they are best raised by their Father as mom has no stable home and never "parents" her kids. She just want to be their friend and even prefers to have kids take care of her.
Are there any other SMs out there that have good Skids, know the kids are better off with you and their Dad, but yet feel "stuck" and angry that BM get off scott free? I am happy we have helped the boys be successful and flourish and they are no longer in a bad situation. But I still feel resentful BM gets all the freedom and I get none for kids I did not bring into this world (yet care about and will never stop helping them to become successful adults)
I have one good skid and one
I have one good skid and one nightmare skid. The good one still gets on my nerves occasionally. It think that's a normal thing. I love my DH very much and he annoys me to no end some days.
My husband doesn't notice when skids slack off and do their chores half ass. I think it's because he doesn't really want them to do any chores and he also doesn't want to discipline or give consequences.
It's stressful even with the good skid.
I used to resent the fact
I used to resent the fact that BM got off scott free with no financial or emotional responsibility to her daughter. She left that to me.
Then I realized she didn't get off scott free... her daughter is quickly learning that mommy doesn't take responsibility but sunshinex does. Even though BM doesn't fulfill her responsibilities, she still has them, and she's not "getting away" with anything because it's all going to be very clear to her daughter one day. I truly believe kids, at some point in time, know who was there for them and who wasn't. I no longer feel resentful because I know SD sees all I'm doing, and I know I'm a good person who's doing what's best for a child in need.
My best friend once told me that I really need to stop seeing SD as someone else's problem that's been dropped on me and start seeing her for what she is: a little girl who got dealt a crappy hand in life and doesn't have a mother who loves her. This broke my heart, and since then, I've tried really hard to just be there for her and do right by her - instead of feeling like i'm being burdened by someone else's problem, I feel like I'm being given the opportunity to make a difference.
Very helpful words to hear,
Very helpful words to hear, thank you. I guess that's where I feel uneasy with myself...I do feel like I am I'm being burdened by someone else's problem (and missing out on a better relationship with DH), and yet I feel like I'm being given the opportunity to make a difference. Hopefully his boys will realize who has been there for them through everything.
I guess technically you are
I guess technically you are being burdened with someone else's problem, but worse, those children are left to feel like burdens because their mother doesn't want nor care for them. You are being given a great opportunity to make a difference, and honestly, i'd be lying if i said the boys will 100% realize who was there for them through everything. They might not. They might continue to idolize their mother who never did anything. And if that's the case, you have to remind yourself that you've done what's right and those boys will turn out better because of you. It's got to be something you do for yourself; not for your husband or the boys. You have to go into this knowing you're doing a good deed and it might not be rewarded, and that's okay, because at least YOU know you did what's right.
thank you for your words of
thank you for your words of encouragement and I feel good about what I do for them. I must admit I find it a bit depressing to be the one working so hard and most likely not ever being appreciated for it...because in the end I will have sacrificed for kids who will end up being there for there for an elderly parent down the road who did nothing for them, while I will be left to my own devices most likely. I guess it's a kind of loneliness to me and that's what I resent. I realize you are right and I am happy they will turn out better because of my influence...but I'm just sad I feel the way I feel. Thank you for your encouragement.
Well, something that helps me
Well, something that helps me is taking part in the fun parts of parenting
There's lots of fun parts so it doesn't have to be ALL sacrifice. I'm very involved with my 5 year old, full-time stepdaughter but I let her father handle things that feel like too much of a sacrifice for me. IE getting up early in the mornings with her. I enjoy a lot of stepparenting - shopping for school clothes, redecorating her room, doing arts and crafts with her, painting her nails, taking her to the park. There's lots of fun things I do that make a huge difference to her life, take a load off DH, and overall, don't feel like such a huge sacrifice on my part. Maybe you can try that? Get involved where YOU want to.
Yes, I do get involved in the
Yes, I do get involved in the fun stuff. I will concentrate more on that.
Oh do I ever!!! BM sobbed to
Oh do I ever!!! BM sobbed to DH that she couldn't handle SS (age 3) and needed us to take him full time “temporarily”. My BS, whom I share 50/50, is 11 and I am well out of the toddler stage so I am extremely resentful that my days are now full time toddler life. BM cries all the time for more time with him even though this isn’t a CO, It’s very much her choosing. Anytime we’ve ever asked her to take him more or for help she flies off the handle. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and has them 50/50, so why not SS? She can’t handle him? I know SS is better off with us, even when we did 50/50 with his behavior was very different coming back from her place.
I feel very resentful that she gets to be super fun every second weekend mommy while I do the daily hard stuff. She gets one full week kid free. We get less than 48 hrs alone every 2 weeks. And then of course the money. She pays nothing, and while I don’t directly contribute to his daycare, I do buy food. And clothes. And while that is my choice not hers, a little cash sent our way to cover a little bit would be helpful!
I fear this “temporary” arrangement is anything but. She’s so hell bent on destroying DH she can’t see that saying no to him asking a favor is actually saying no to more time with SS. Ugh!!
What do we do? Lol!
Read this as "...painting
Read this as "...painting YOUR girlfriends..."
Obviously, I need more coffee!!!
sure is, and would require
sure is, and would require Aniki to dress a whole different way
Robin, I need my whip! ~digs
Robin, I need my whip!
~digs out b!tch boots and leather teddy~
I struggle with the same
I struggle with the same thing. BM also is too involved with her own love life and career to take care of her children. I dread every time the kids come to our house and I'm angry every time they are at our house when they should be at hers.
I know the kids would be better off with us, but I don't want them with us. I wish that she would just take the kids full-time, even though I know what a crappy parent she is. It's a struggle to keep a happy face to them when I'm just waiting for the moment when they get dropped off at BM's house.
And, I resent DH every time I complain about something they've done (or not done) and he responds, "but they did their chores" or "they are helpful". Having them around is not a net positive for me. Sure...ok...they minimally clean up after themselves, half-a** their chores, and maybe play with DS2 for 15 minutes, so I get a break to go to the bathroom and make a meal. But, they listen to the dog whine and scratch at the door and do nothing, they spill stuff and don't notice, they complain about their mother to me (which I don't want to hear), complain that they're bored, complain about dinner, or ask me to buy them stuff and drive them places when they can walk and have an allowance. I know every parent deals with this stuff with their own kids, but these aren't my kids.
I think one thing that has helped me is that I can be somewhat honest to DH about this. He knows that I am always waiting anxiously for the skids to go to their mom's. He knows that the only reason I'm putting up with living where we live is because I don't want to risk having the skids full-time. I think part of the reason DH can stand to hear my honesty (as he is not a step parent himself) is because he has fostered children in the past. He can sympathize with providing care for children as a substitute parent, but being really annoyed with them and not having the parental/emotional bond that makes it easier to do.
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Yes I feel you! It seems like
Yes I feel you! It seems like my husband has no time for me because I can't get help cleaning after dinner. STD could have been cleaning kitchen while I spent time with him briefly but she acted like she was clueless asking him same exact questions I have heard her ask In The past. She knows the answer but striking conversations and before you know it he has to get to sleep for work. Then in other days there's his divorced parents that need his help. One day his dad calls for help at his place then his mom calls the following day. But SUNSHINEX has a very good point up there in comments. My step kid is noticing things I do for her as far as clean stable home. I'm the one that had to remind dh she needed to be registered for school this year. Can see the relief she has that she is registered and has school clothes and nice shoes and sox