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Running out of steam

kite's picture

Have been married to DH for 3.5 years, together for 4.5. Came into SD's life when she was 3.5, she is almost 8 now. I find myself dreading her coming over every other weekend (per CO) because parenting styles between our house and BM house are very different. It is clear that SD runs the show when she is with her mom or her grandpas (he takes care of SD a lot because BM is in school. Not working, just school, gramps is controlling and really runs the whole show because he is supporting the lot of them).

So when she meets with resistance at our house, whether she is being disciplined for bad behavior, required to do chores, etc, she acts out in all kinds of ways. She will ask me something and if I tell her an answer she doesn't want to hear, she runs to daddy to try and pit us against each other. Will talk back, talk about how she doesn't want to be with us because "she's uncomfortable," has told her dad before that she doesn't want him to be her dad, it goes on and on. I can see the manipulation, and I don't give in to it. However, DH is dealing with dad guilt because he doesn't see her every day, and wants her weekends with us to always be fun-filled events. But as soon as the fun stops, or he isn't offering to buy her things, then the waterworks about not wanting to be there start up again. Recycle and repeat. And when she mouths off, he rarely says anything to her, or they go and "have a talk."

When we first got together I was trying to be helpful, making lunches for pre-school and school later (at the time custody was 50/50), helping with projects, watching her when he had class (he has since graduated). But I noticed that any time I would step in, suddenly he was totally hands off. So I started distancing myself, because I don't feel like it should be my place to be the only person who applies discipline or is involved in this kid's life. My backing off made him pick up a lot more of his slack, but I still try to keep my distance because this is his child, he needs to learn how to parent her in ALL aspects, not just be a Disney Dad.

Fast forward to now, he has since graduated, has a great job, and we decided to start trying for having kids of our own. Currently I am pregnant, although it's still very early, so we have only told a very few close family and friends. We have NOT told SD, primarily due to my wishes. Part of the problem is BM and BM's dad are manipulative, and have told SD that "we don't feed her the right things" or "do the right things with her" when she is at our house. So I would like to keep the other side from knowing about the pregnancy as long as possible, because I'm afraid they will fill her head with all kinds of nonsense. That, and she is not a patient kid, and I really don't feel like hearing "when's the baby going to be here?" For the next however many months.

I am also worried about when the baby does arrive for a few reasons. One, SD is pretty selfish. I get taking a step back while she and her dad have their time together, but as I mentioned before, she is not always kind to him, and tries to boss us around. She does the same thing with other kids, and I have seen her bully other kids to try and get her way, or just because she felt like it. She will insert herself between my husband and I at times when we're sitting on the couch or at the table for dinner. Or if she doesn't feel like enough attention is on her, she will misbehave, and go so far as to throw tantrums like a toddler.

Another reason I am worried is because of how much DH caves in to her, and worries about what she's going to go back and tell her mom. While we were talking about how to organize the room (that she and baby will be sharing) he went so far as to suggest just shoving all of the baby's things in the closet, including the crib, so that SD didn't feel like "she was losing her space." I had to point out that when we have a baby, we will have it 24/7, while we have SD only 4 days out of the month, and she also has her own room at her mom's house. Sharing is not going to kill her, but he's so worried about her reaction.

I feel as time passes, I am growing more and more resentful of SD because of her bad behavior and insolence, and also of DH because he tells me NOT to resent her, how it isn't her fault, etc etc. But she's almost 8! She can't act like a toddler forever, and I certainly don't tolerate how mean she can be to me or her dad.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like DH resents me when I pull away, but weekends with her are stressful, and I need breaks from her so that I don't totally lose my s***. I know that a lot of this has to do with two different sets of expectations between the households, but I don't think that's a valid excuse considering how long this arrangement has been going on. I don't want to see the behavior getting worse, or worry about the safety of our child, has anyone been in similar situations?

Thank you for reading, and letting me vent.

Aeron's picture

Okay.... Well your DH is right about one thing. It's Not her fault. It's her parents fault that they suck at parenting and that absolutely includes Him. He is the one that should be the focus of the resentment because he is not teaching her better. He is tolerating her crap behavior and not giving any real boundaries. He is afraid. And he is not parenting from that fear.

Fear he will hurt her feelings. Fear she will not like him. Fear that she will not want to come back. However, if you look around the site, you at least will see that this is a catastrophe in the making. He (and her mother) will turn her into a little and then bigger monster.

I would recommend some therapy and some parenting classes. If he's willing to put your baby in a closet so SD doesn't lose her room you've gotten some way bigger issues coming down the pipe than selfishness and tantrums. He needs something to help him see that he is not doing his daughter any favors. It might help from you having to constantly save yourself and baby from your H trying to sacrifice your needs to the alter of SD's happiness.

Thumper's picture

what jasper said ^^^^^^

YOUR top priority is your baby to be and your health right now...just like BM and DH priority is their daughter. NEVER ever forget that, ok?

Some SM get wrapped around all the drama that is going on. LET BM and DH deal with that and always, always protect your child and place your child's needs first. You will know more about what I mean after the birth.