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Hiding Out in my Office. Again.

TwoOfUs's picture

YSD is here today and I'm trying to work up the will to walk around in my own house instead of holing up in my office. The problem is, I recently redid my office and it's very cozy with a daybed and snacks, so I don't really have to leave...unless I have to go to the bathroom, I guess.

For some reason, I thought she wasn't coming until next weekend, so this was a surprise to me. I really, really hate the new visitation schedule my DH worked up this year with weekday and weekend visits scattered about randomly because there's just no consistency or reliability at all. No pattern I can get into.

I'm also frustrated because yesterday was my brother's birthday and some of my in-town siblings and my mom decided to meet up for dinner...kind of spontaneous and last-minute...but I didn't mind. I went and DH didn't go. Because YSD was coming over. Which I also understood and didn't mind. When I got back, this turned into over an hour of my DH monologue-ing about what it means to be married and create a new family unit...and a bunch of digs at my family for being passive and sloppy and not good at planning stuff in advance. It got much deeper than that...somehow this is all very disrespectful to me. I'm the oldest and best at planning and hosting events of all my siblings but they never give me any power, according to DH.

I just don't see this at all. I told him that I grew up in a large family and am used to compromise...I'm used to being the planner sometimes and being the guest at other times...and that I don't see anything sinister or manipulative or dismissive/offensive toward me or us about a bunch of adults deciding at 4 pm that they want to hang out and grab dinner together.

I don't know. Honestly, I feel like DH wants me to be nothing but flexible and accommodating for him and his kids...but when it comes to MY family (you know, the people I ACTUALLY want to see and spend my time with) this same attribute is a weakness. I also just hate that, whenever we have a discussion about anything, it turns into him talking non-stop.

So, yeah. I'm in no mood to go play nice with HIS annoying ass daughter and act like a big, happy family when it clearly only goes one direction. I guess I'm just supposed to gladly spend 1/3 to 1/2 of my waking days with someone else's children with little to no notice or say in how or when they visit...but if my family wants to do something spontaneous for a few hours once a month or so...that's just unacceptable.

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

Are you hiding out from SD or from your DH?

When did you learn SD was arriving last evening? If you had advance notice, does it really matter that you still decided spur of the moment to go out and get a bite to eat with your own loved ones? The kid comes to see her father. She saw her father. She even had a wee bit of time alone of Daddy.

So what is his problem?

TwoOfUs's picture

The thing with my family is a long-standing trigger issue for both me and DH, so I am open to the fact that I may be missing something or simply not getting his perspective. Of course, I don't think he's getting mine, either.

DH doesn't mind going out for other things when we have YSD. I think it was just an excuse last night, and, again, I really didn't care. I also don't think it's a huge deal to go out for dinner spur-of-the-moment...and DH doesn't have this complaint when it's our mutual friends or when it's his idea.

DH and I met and married shortly after my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, and I think my DH was really bad at understanding that reality, how it affected my family and how close that made us. He's also really bad at being a guest / not the one in charge...and he often tried to assert his will or his way at my family functions rather than going with the flow...at a time when we were all still trying to recover from the shock and figure out who and what our family was now...and when some of the older ones were starting to get married and form their own families. This rigidity on his part did not endear him to my family, as you might imagine, but they all genuinely like him and respect him now...and think he's mostly really great for me.

Still, I get tense whenever I have to mention something about my family or suggest something to him, and I don't think that's fair. Admittedly, he's actually gotten much better at getting along with my family for the most part...and at allowing me to be who I am with them...but every once in a while something like this rears its ugly head again.

notsobad's picture

Sorry to say but I see DHs side of things.
It's ok if your family throws you a last min curve ball, "let's meet for dinner in an hour" but it's not ok when he does it with SD, " SDs coming tonight and will be here this weekend"

Both are unplanned and require you to make choices about how you'll spend your time.

The difference is that you like your family and actually want to spend time with them, you don't like or want to spend time with SD.
And that's ok! You don't have to spend time with her, just understand where DH is coming from and what his perspective is.

TwoOfUs's picture

But you're seeing exactly the opposite of what happened. I was fine with YSD being here...as I always am. I don't love it and I don't feel like I have to spend time with her, but I also don't huff and puff and make my DH feel bad about spending his time with her. I didn't expect him to drop everything and go to dinner with my family...I simply invited him and told him I was going. DH is the one who threw a fit about a couple of hours on my brother's birthday and turned it into a huge, long, punishing discussion when I got home.

I officially have YSD in my home for 1/3 of the year...but in reality it's much more as she and her siblings tend to drop by a couple times a week or so. Again, I don't love it but I make room and make compromises. But when my family wants to do something...well, that's just sloppy planning and high treason.

My point is that I am supposed to be flexible at ALL times when it concerns his kids, but he can't be flexible even once when it comes to my family.

twoviewpoints's picture

This isn't a little girl. The SD is 17yrs old. I'm betting the young lady didn't notice if OP ran out for dinner for a few hours or not.

Op has also stated they have the teen 30% on paper but SD comes and goes far more. Stopping by numerous times during any given week. The teen drives, works and has friends...why would a 17yr old teenager who is a spit away from graduating HS and becoming an adult who (I hope) is going off to college fairly soon care whether or not SM went to a birthday dinner spur of the moment with SM's brother? Why would DH care? I barely saw my own biological older kids when they were 17/18yrs old on a weekend evening except Sundays). It didn't make us any less of a family unit. It didn't mean we all hated each other nor that I should pretend I have no life other than to sit home Friday evening , perhaps all day Saturday and on into Saturday evening to wait for my kids to show me an ounce of time or attention.

The ice cream blog OP had up a bit back, does that sound like a fun warm fee-fee family unit evening? The teen isn't seven. With her phone in her face all evening I seriously doubt the teen paid much notice whether or not her father was even home.

FWIW, I bet if DH and SD would have wanted to go out for dinner and join OP with her family, they would have been included and accepted at the meal. For that matter, what family unit activity did OP miss out on? What were the big family unit plans for Friday evening with SD arriving? Was anything cancelled or changed because OP stepped out for dinner?

I don't know about you, but if it comes to spending the evening , as usual, sitting home watching a teen play on her phone or getting an unexpected invite to dinner out with my mother and sister, heh, I'm out the door and on my way.

I guess what I'm curious now to, is what kind of relationship this DH has with his own extended family? An occasional invite (even spur of the moment) to partake in OP's family's get-togethers shouldn't be a threat to this man. Nor should he feel it's abnormal for OP to want to have a relationship and an occasional get-together with her mother/siblings. It doesn't affect their home life or their marriage to have a dinner or family afternoon/evening casual meet-up. What does having a few hour dinner out have to do with affecting the new family unit of SD17 sitting on their sofa playing on her phone? OP says if non-family friends call spur of moment and want to meet up for dinner, DH is all good with that.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah...his relationship with his extended family is not good, and it's honestly mostly on them. I've seen him try. I know that HE feels powerless in his own family of origin, especially when compared to his sister...and I think he brings that perspective and that baggage to MY relationship with MY family...no matter how many times I tell him that's not how I feel. I honestly get so tired of him being "protective" and "defensive" of me with my family when it's really just not needed.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah...his relationship with his extended family is not good, and it's honestly mostly on them. I've seen him try. I know that HE feels powerless in his own family of origin, especially when compared to his sister...and I think he brings that perspective and that baggage to MY relationship with MY family...no matter how many times I tell him that's not how I feel. I honestly get so tired of him being "protective" and "defensive" of me with my family when it's really just not needed.

TwoOfUs's picture

I think there's a whole lot of truth to this. I think most men don't even realize the extent to which they expect their wives to accommodate them and do things their way/learn to fit in with them. I see it in most relationships I know...whether traditional, blended, Christian, atheist. Doesn't really seem like the belief system makes that much of a difference.

notasm3's picture

"DH monologue-ing about what it means to be married and create a new family unit."

Sounds like his version of creating a new family unit is that you discard your family and accept his skid as a replacement. Selfish. Self-centered. Very aholey.

Ignore his stupid demands.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yep.

When I pointed this very thing out to him last night, he said that it's not even remotely comparable as his children are tiny people who he made and is responsible for...and my siblings are mostly grown-ups with lives and families of their own.

I get that. But as a childless SM, I feel that my youngest siblings (youngest is 13 years younger than me) and my niece and nephews are the closest I get to actual children of my own. If he doesn't get that or refuses to...I agree, that's selfish. Also, his kids are also now "mostly grown" at 21, 19, and 17.

oneoffour's picture

Tiny people? He has 'little people' for children? His responsibility is to raise them and guide them into being law abiding functioning members of society. Not limpets clinging to his shoes strings for dear life.

Ask him why it is OK for his children to drop by whenever without a forward plan that is agreed to by everyone including you yet you cannot go out to dinner for a few hours without coming home to him lecturing you for half as long as you went out about not being committed to his family? As for being 'in charge' all the time. That is called being bossy.

Ladystark's picture

Holy cow- our dhs must be related! Lol... we have been arguing alot more because i joined a moms group, and im trying to be apart of it!

I mean im trying to make connections and make friends, and i have to put in some effort. He lays on the guilt trips- ugh- i have told him several times - if he wants someone to TALK AT go use the mirror- if he wants to talk to me and with me, im right here!

Anyway- i dont have much advice- as i kind of am on fantasy living by myself mode!

Ladystark's picture

And a little of it is facebook- i see other sahm having a "girlsnight" or getting together for paint night, or whatever- i feel like i cant- like im supposed to "want" to do everything with him!

I have to admit i feel like dh kind of lead me to believe he was not clingy, and that he did not care if i did my thing, but after we moved in together, he started laying on this guilt... or we would argue before i left! I am not big on arguing so i kind of backed down, but i wish i had not!

But im trying to build up my back bone again with this club.

TwoOfUs's picture

Stay strong. Having a social life outside your marriage is healthy!

My DH never minds it if I do things with friends or just do my own thing in general. It's only with my family that he's weird...which, of course, hurts my feelings and brings up the obvious corollary in my mind...that he expects ME to hang out with HIS kids for 1/3 of my year. So, yeah. I get pissed about it.

Ladystark's picture

I just feel you on the guilt aspect- my family is not close my sisters live in different states, so i have dhs family. Before baby girl i had like 3 close girlfriends, id try to meet up with, 2 moved and 1 i still see but its a little difficult with the age gaps.

I think dh got used to the fact i had no need go anywhere, while baby girl was so small...but now she is bigger and im craving some social interaction!

Anyway you could start having your family at the house!! Dh is lucky my sister do not live close they would be here ALOT!! Lol

Acratopotes's picture

WTH... DH going off about your family and sloppy planing... I would immediately tell him... and SD was not suppose to be here this time who changed the details and did not inform me.....

I will also make it very very clear to him, if you want to sit at home entertaining your daughter, so be it, I don't have to not my kid and not my problem..... I will not allow any one keeping me from my family....