Is it just me?
Went on a hike yesterday with DH, SD16, SD20, BIL, and niece. It a mountain hike that starts of at the base and begins the assent right away. Hike was a level 3-4 (out of 5) and it was 27 C (not sure what that is for you Americans!). Should have taken us four hours return.
SD20 does zero activity and is about 50 lbs overweight. I said to DH before we started that this wasn't a good idea.
So not even two minutes into the start I turn around and SD20 is standing in the middle of the trail literally sobbing. Her face is all screwed up and I seriously thought she hurt herself somehow. I asked her what was wrong?! She actually wailed "I CAN"TTT DOOOO THISSS"
I know my facial expression couldn't have been good. I called to DH who was further ahead to come deal with his kid.
I knew that SD20 was going to have problems going up and was going to need to be slower with more rest time. No problem at all...I've been there with the weight issues and being out of shape. I get it. That's why I kinda was walking slower.
So DH comes back and hugs her and all the while she is sobbing "I can't do this". So I tell him to bring her back to her car while we waited. But no...he talks to her...coaxes her to continue etc. Fair enough...I told him HE has to stay back with her and monitor her for heat stroke...because honestly it was a very real possibility yesterday.
What I couldn't get past was the over-dramatic wailing and bawling. She is 20. What ever happened to "Yo guys...I can't go that fast...I need to stop for a sec". OR even is she did get upset because she couldn't keep up and didn't feel comfortable says so...was it necessary to do the drama queen act? Because that was way more embarrassing in my opinion. I can't explain it in words..when I looked back she had her face screwed up like a three year old when they couldn't do something.
It ruined the hike for me honestly. The whole way was listening to her going on about how she was "going to die" and "she was never going to make it"
So is it just me?
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Stickers? What kind of
Stickers? What kind of stickers?! Unicorn, furbabies, Star Wars, Grumpy Cat... tell me, tell me, tell meeeeeee!!!
why, unicorn glitter
why, unicorn glitter stickers, of course!
i know you can't see this, but for the other ladies -
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/fb/c4/25/fbc425daa26cdd4fbad51...
Stih-KERS, stih-KERS,
Stih-KERS, stih-KERS, stih-KERS!!! Gimme!!! I'm a SKID!!!
Yes. I'm sorry you couldn't
Yes. I'm sorry you couldn't enjoy yourself because you don't like your SD and/or DH's behaviour, but that's on you. You're in charge of your happiness. If you choose to put SD or DH in charge instead and they don't do what you want, oh well...
but it's all about her didn't
but it's all about her didn't you know? She probably wasn't getting enough attention.
It's not just you. I've seen
It's not just you.
I've seen 20somethings behave like this. It should be embarrassing for them but when Daddy accepts it and reinforces it, why stop?
Now you know for next time, no SD you can't come with us. It's too hard for you.
Most definitely!
Most definitely!
I would have just kept going
I would have just kept going after letting DH know SD was freaking out. We had an issue like this the first time we took the skids mountain/rock climbing. We have a small range you can climb right on a lake not far from where we live. It's only about 2,000 ft tall. Skids acted like they were dying 1/3 of the way up. DS and I kept going and DH had to deal with skids. They eventually caught up. We've taken them a few times since then. They behaved themselves the other times.
I just realized DD turns 3 this week and the last time we went she was a baby strapped to DH's chest. We need to go soon.
I did. As soon as she
I did. As soon as she started wailing "I can't do this" rather than "I broke my leg" (because I seriously thought she hurt herself when I first looked back...that was her expression!) I called out to DH to come deal with his kid.
I walked on to join Niece. It was rather awkward really...Neice is just two years older than SD20...she asked me what was wrong. I told her that SD20 said she couldn't do the hike. She looked at me...at SD20 sobbing...at BIL (her father) and back to me. Like she didn't know what to say.
I try to step back sometimes because I know that DH and his ex parented wayyyy differently than I do but holy...that's taking it to a new level. I still haven't really brought it up to DH yet...I'm not sure I can without the disbelief and censure showing.
OK so you knew she would have
OK so you knew she would have a problem so why allow her along? Can you see you were setting her up for failure? Sure she could have pushed on through but even contemplating having her along on something she cannot accomplish without some difficulty. You know what she is like. You know she is out of condition. She is a drama queen. I get it. So why allow her along knowing all of this?
Next time tell DH that this activity is planned and SD may not find it do-able. Let him check with her first and let her say yes or no. Then DH can deal with the outcome. Either he leaves her behind or he stays with her.
I would much rather plan an activity around ALL of those who can do it rather than allowing one person to ruin it for everyone else when I knew they would do so.
I doubt it was even in OP's
I doubt it was even in OP's power to stop her going. If she had done that then she really would be the evil step mother in their eyes. Us SM's can never win, we are always in the wrong.
Not my kid. I did say I
Not my kid. I did say I didn't think it was a good idea...but DH felt that he should ask them.
So I was on two minds then...should I stay home or go. The deciding factor was BIL and Niece. They REALLY wanted to go and I really wanted to spend the time with them as they were only visiting from Toronto. We had this planned with BIL for several weeks before they came home. AND I do think that DH would have cancelled if I didn't go. So I went.
And truth be told as much as I knew that SD20 was going to be an issue, I didn't want to let her stop me from spending time with the others. While SD did bring down the atmosphere, Niece really enjoyed the hike and the view so it was worth going.
I didn't feel responsible..I
I didn't feel responsible..I felt emphatic because I know what's it's like to be overweight and out of shape. I KNEW she would have difficulty..so I was trying to be conscience of that fact. I did NOT KNOW that she was going to act like a two year old. I guess DH didn't know either so wasn't' thinking it necessary to stick right beside her. We were no more that 30 feet apart from 1st person to last..and she wasn't last.
"who cares if she melts down in a pretty or acceptable way?" That was the whole point of the post... Was it necessary to melt down at all? Or is it just me that thinks a 20 year old melt down is not normal? She is 20..not 2.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that she shouldn't have been upset or whatever..but the extreme melt down was a bit much.
I agree. That kind of
I agree. That kind of meltdown is something you'd expect from a toddler. Unfortunately, we see more and more of the 'speshul' generation.
OMG, empathetic?? Wow, not
OMG, empathetic?? Wow, not at all my take on what you wrote. Hopefully you were much more empathetic than you sounded.
I'm imagining the Grouse Grind, which many people who are not unfit and overweight find a huge challenge to do, especially the first time. And if I was 20, and invited to spend the day with my family only to find that they chose a 'hike' aka climbing a treed cliff that was far beyond my abilities, I'd find it hard to not take it like a passive-aggressive dig. Especially if my dad's wife was pissed off that I wasn't up to it and made a big fuss about what a wuss I am.
https://youtu.be/kn_ryrb76ts?t=50s
SD was perfectly aware of
SD was perfectly aware of what the hike was like because she did it a couple of years ago with us. I never said it was her first time nor beyond her capability. I said that I knew she would have difficulty with the climb and the heat, hence why I was walking slower and back closer to her. I got pissed off because of the way she acted ...not that she felt she couldn't do it.
And of course my post wasn't meant to be emphatic...it's my rant for god's sake. The minute she turned into a sniveling, wailing (and I'm not exaggerating) 20 yr old acting like a 2 yr old, my empathy went out the window.
Right. I think you should
Right. I think you should check the difference between emphatic and empathetic.
I also think your rant is much like how my kid acted when she was two, only you can type.
It's clear to all that you dislike your SD and judge her to be inadequate on many levels. I wonder if you look in the mirror often, you seem like a really unkind and uncharitable person. I guess you get judged as inadequate a lot too. But nobody would say it to your face because of how you 'rant.'
em·path·ic emˈpaTHik/Submit a
em·path·ic
emˈpaTHik/Submit
adjective
showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
"an attentive, empathic listener"
em·pa·thet·ic
ˌempəˈTHedik/Submit
adjective
showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
"she's compassionate and empathetic towards her daughter"
I missed an "E". My apologies. The spelling and usage may be incorrect but the meaning is the same.
Personally, I tend to try not to "guess" what others are like based on posts here. If I had the perfect fairy-tale Skids I probably wouldn't be here with all my inadequacies. Makes me wonder what you are doing here?
Either way you are still missing the main point of my post... you know the part about a 20 year old having a sobbing, wailing melt down? Is that normal or is it just me?
Hmmm. You are correct!!! lol.
Hmmm. You are correct!!! lol. I guess it's the Canadian in me. I only ever heard of empathic being used to describe someone who somehow magically picks up and experiences the feelings of another - like Counsellor Troy from ST:TNG. And empathetic to describe someone who can understand what another is feeling (with a reasonable degree of accuracy) - like when I cry because someone's heart got broken on TV.
So I thought it was weird that you were claiming to actually 'feel' your SD's feels, and then be all angry with her for having them.
I can be here, or anywhere on the interwebs, if I want, I hope you don't feel like you have 'dibs' on this spot on the space-time continuum. Because, well... we're just going to have to share.
I think it's normal. I am 43 and I had a sobbing wailing melt-down a few weeks ago. It's possible that lots of other people in the world are also unable to keep it together all the time. Sadly, no magic happens when you pass a certain birthday that confers emotional maturity, good decisions, or healthy eating habits.
That being said, I've got a 3 yo. I know exactly what I would have to do/not do to provoke or maintain an epic melt-down. And exactly what to do to encourage my kid to control her feelings and behaviour and to handle her distress in a manner that helps makes things better. I guess your SD didn't have anyone to teach her those basics. I didn't have anyone to teach me that either, and I had a lot of social problems between 17-30 trying to raise myself. I still struggle with huge self-esteem issues and so I have a lot of compassion for a 20 yo showing up and failing, and getting blasted for being imperfect.
Maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, I've made lots of mistakes and I'm sure I'll make lots more. But I feel that the heart of why I was not impressed with your rant was because it was nothing but backbiting. Gossip and spite are so harmful. I hope you are able to let go of some of this anger.
Good luck.
Gossip and spite ARE harmful.
Gossip and spite ARE harmful. This is why I ranted here...rather than to someone I know that could get back to SD. Sometimes it is good to let off steam and admit I what I think. I know that I don't like SD20 but I do be respectful when around her for DH's sake.
I also like to get other people's insight on situations regarding the step world. I KNOW I have resentment and issues with the skids and a lot of it stems from the BM trying to control our lives. I have a problem with thinking of the Skids as DH's...I mostly see them as BM's. They act like her and think that they are entitled to everything...mostly money wise. They think that because I pay for most of the stuff that DH and I do and don't always ask them to join us (his money is tied up in CS and divorce settlement payments) that "we are living the high life that doesn't include them". SD20's words. That's why I asked the question "is it just me".
And you are spot on with the fact that SD didn't have anyone to teach her how to handle stress in any other way than to melt down. To be honest I find it really uncomfortable and kind of stressful to be around her because you never know what will hurt her feelings or set her off. Although normally, she just runs to BM who then turns on DH, but this outburst in front of other people was a new thing.
I was very disappointed that DH didn't point out to SD that although she had every right to feel the way she did...her handling of her feelings needed work. But again...difference in parenting I guess.
Ok, let's talk more and see
Ok, let's talk more and see where it goes.
Gossip and spite are harmful to society at large, by undermining trust. If you are the kind of person who talks behind SD's back, then I know you are the kind of person who talks behind my back too. So I know that you are not trustworthy, because I would expect you to 'rant' about me to someone else rather than talk to me directly. So as much as backbiting would hurt SD if it got back to her, it hurts the trust in you that anyone who (over)hears you gossiping or backbiting has. And that damages all of your relationships, not just hurts SD's feelings if she hears about it.
Backbiting is essentially being passive-aggressive. It's for people who are afraid to set and enforce normal personal boundaries. There are lots of reasons why someone might have difficulty with that, we all have our baggage. But it's not useful to the immediate situation, for the immediate relationships or for trust we want others to have in us when we use passive, or 'hidden' ways to express our anger and frustration.
And if it's never ok to speak badly of someone who isn't there, that means you (general you) must have the courage to speak directly to someone who is behaving in a way you don't like. And I believe that, in general, people have the right to do so. Sometimes it goes too far, like if you don't like someone's outfit. Sure, you have the 'right' to give your opinion. But values such as kindness, or a sense of personal boundaries, would limit your opinion-giving to situations where it has been asked, or the person clearly doesn't realize they've tucked their skirt into their panty-hose.
So more than a situation where, OMG, SD is soooo immature, this is a situation that I see as, OMG, MineAndYours is an angry, insecure person and nothing's going to change for her because she's not going to handle her business on her own.
It seems like I jumped to conclusions about your personality, you've engaged in a more open discussion than I expected. And so I think you can probably deal with SD a lot better than what happened.
No one here is a fan of
No one here is a fan of "let's hate skids because they exist." But, I agree that is the way most outsiders look at it. SKs, even adult SKs, can do no wrong. Exceptions need to be made over and over for what is clearly rude behavior due to them being children of divorce. Anything wrong with the family, SM is to blame. She is supposed to just suck it up and take it, cook, clean, and act invisible whenever anyone from the "real" family is around.
Anyway. . . I heard the term adultolescence several weeks back. Seems this is what some are calling the years between 20-30 now. Maybe some are true adults at 18, but apparently not that many any more. Instead, they are 1/2 adult and 1/2 adolescent, so to speak. So, crying fits may be possible until age 30 now!? Still seems odd. Still not sure if we are just supposed to accept what older generations would call immature and rude behavior from 30 year olds, or if professionals see adultolescence as clearly an issue that needs to be addressed and prevented in any future generations. (God!, I hope we are not just supposed to accept it!, and you'll start hearing things like, "Oh, that is typical childish behavior for a 27 year old. No big deal.")
What gets me is, what about the professional/work environment? I mean, can you really have a 27-year-old potential cry baby managing true adults in their 30s and 40s and up? I don't know?
Actually Heavenlike you are
Actually Heavenlike you are wrong. She has/had a choice about choosing me. She lives with BM and "chooses" not to stay with DH. And it's not because of me...it was like this since DH divorced BM. I have never and will endeavor to never force DH to choose between his kids and me. If she wants alone time with DH...by all means. I can leave or they can go out and do something. If she wants to come to our house for the evening by all means. Her choice...always has been. There was never a CO stating that she "had" to come.
And it's not a case of lets hate Skids because they exist. I like SD16. She makes an effort to be friendly and be a part of DH and my lives as a couple. SD20 chooses not too most of the time. It's one of the reasons I feel the way I do about her...she thinks that she can pretend I don't exist when she feels like it. She doesn't do it in an out and out rude way...but you know it's there. ie...SD16 will text me a happy birthday...SD20 says nothing.
I come here to get different perspectives on situations because I know I have trouble standing back and looking at it from the other side. If my BD21 had that behavior I most certainly wouldn't have to ask "is it just me". I KNOW that I would expect her to be able to handle that situation differently AT THAT AGE. AND if she didn't, I would have told her that there was no need to get on like that and to get herself under control...USE her voice and SAY whats wrong, and we all could help her work through it. NOT stand there wailing and sobbing like her leg was cut off while everyone watched.
I guess my expectation of the behavior of a young adult doesn't include a sobbing meltdown that you would expect from a two year old. And the more I think about it, the more I am disappointed in DH that he didn't use this a lesson on how to deal with stressful situations without having a meltdown.
"AND if she didn't, I would
"AND if she didn't, I would have told her that there was no need to get on like that and to get herself under control...USE her voice and SAY whats wrong, and we all could help her work through it. "
And why didn't you just say that then? Obviously you have the ability to explain to another adult in your group the conditions under which the group is going to participate in the hike.
"SD, I can see you're really upset, but if you don't calm down we won't be able to figure out what's wrong or figure out a solution. If you just can't calm down, then why don't you wait in the car (or at the cafe) until the rest of us are done and we'll figure out a solution for next time."
I was on a trip with friends and one person got really sick. So as much as they really wanted to participate in the group activities, they couldn't. We were all disappointed. Nobody was angry about the person being sick, although it was a bit tricky coordinating things and incovenient for everyone.
It's what I wanted to say
It's what I wanted to say believe me. But DH and I normally let the parent take the lead with their own children...so he dealt with it.
See, this is not going to get
See, this is not going to get better until you decide, and talk to DH about what to do moving forward.
You're irritated because SD is an adult and *should* behave better. You're irritated because DH was supposed to handle it and he didn't. You're irritated because you felt unable to speak up because she's DH's child. Rinse and repeat.
The ONLY part you have control over is the part where you didn't do what you thought was right.
IMHO, any individual *always* has the right to set their own boundaries. It's not logical to be angry at SD for displaying child-like behaviour, but then explain that you accepted it (in terms of your own relationship with her) because she's DH's child. She's an adult or a child. Decide. If she's a child and DH is doing the parenting, then you need to have a plan B for when parenting supercedes a joint plan. Because that happens when you are a parent. If she's an adult, then it doesn't matter whose child she is, you behave with kindness and courtesy and set the limits you're willing to accept for group participation. If SD or DH refuse to accept those boundaries, then you need to have a plan B. Because that happens when you do stuff with others.
You are right moeilijk. The
You are right moeilijk. The boundaries must be set before the next time we are all together. Perhaps it is time for me to "step up" and explain the behavior I expect if they are with me. Good point!