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This poor child...

newcstep's picture

Submitted by newcstep on Thu, 03/16/2017 - 12:13pm

Sitting at dinner last night, SD is noticeably upset. DH asked her a few times what was wrong and received shrugs and short answers. Finally he pushed a bit harder:

DH "Come on SD, you look upset. You know you can talk to me about anything right?"
SD "Mommy said I can't tell you..."
*alarm bells go off*
DH "Sweetie, you can ALWAYS talk to me. What's wrong?"

SD burst into tears and explains that BM broke up with her boyfriend. DH is trying to comfort her telling her that it's okay to be upset, that sometimes adults just disagree, and maybe they will be able to work it out. Then SD says, "I don't think they can work it out this time, the police said if he ever comes back to our house, they will arrest him."

WHAT?! Spaghetti is falling out of my mouth at this point...

SD proceeded to tell us a pretty awful story which I won't repeat here partially because I don't want to broadcast details, but mostly because I'm not sure how much is truth and how much is SD's impression of what happened. DH didn't press for details or ask for clarification since BM's relationships aren't really our business outside of how SD is coping emotionally. All we know is the distorted version that SD chose to share. It sounded like a pretty verbally violent argument which SD was forced to witness. DH did make sure that SD wasn't physically hurt at all, which she wasn't.

My SD is a miracle. I'm really not sure how she can repeatedly witness behavior like this and still be such an angel. I'm scared because I'm not sure how much longer that can last. I feel terrible for her. She is understandably upset because A) she misses this guy that BM has been forcing her to call dad, Dirol she is taking on her mother's sadness after watching her mom cry all night, C) She now feels guilty because she disobeyed her mom by telling my DH. That can all seriously mess up a child.

All my DH could do was hold her and let her cry while reminding her it wasn't her fault, that all DH and I want is for SD (and BM) to be happy and safe, and we are always here for her to talk to.

I'm still just in shock... wow.

Comments

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Thu, 03/16/2017 - 12:58pm

I might've missed this somewhere but how old is this poor girl? I'm so sorry for her and for both you and your husband. That's a lot for a child to deal with and it's a lot for you two to try and help her with. xoxo

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Thu, 03/16/2017 - 1:32pm

8 years old? Oh, my. Poor little thing. Can your household make up some special opportunity as an excuse to keep SD a few extra days? You know, a way to get SD outta there while BM calms down and gets her act together without tipping off bm that SD told. The longer the girl stays at your house and normalizes the less chance she'll also blurt it out to bm that she told dad.

Can you muster up some kind of party or event on dh's or your side of the family?

newcstep's picture

Submitted by newcstep on Thu, 03/16/2017 - 2:09pm

Thanks. That's good advice.

I agree it's sad to watch them become numb to things that even as an adult I'm not sure I could cope with. That said, I think SD becoming numb to it is a much better option than letting it have an impact on her life. I'm so worried that she won't learn healthy ways to deal with conflict. I even jokingly said to my DH that we should fight in front of her more often just to show her what it looks like for adults to respectfully disagree and healthy ways to resolve confrontation.