Getting Friendly with BM... UGH!
To what extend can you tolerate BM for the sake of skids?
I have a great relationship with SD. She wants me to come to school events, DH wants me to come, and I want to be there. But I'm not sure I can handle BM much more. A few weekends ago, SD had a school thing. DH and I were there as well as DH's mom and brother... and of course BM. As soon as SD sees us, grandma, and uncle, she runs to greet us followed by BM. BM is on friendly terms with DH's mom; so they stand and chat. I'm getting uncomfortable with this friendly chatting group which includes BM; so I quietly move away. DH, wonderful man that he is, follows me and so does Uncle who also can't stand BM. G-ma realizing shes alone with BM and SD and walks over to find us... followed by BM. I can't escape this woman! BM doesn't have a lot of family and was at the event alone. Throughout the entire day she kept trying to join up with us and make small talk. I thought it would end after SD went up on stage to join her class, but it didn't.
The amount of conflict that she has caused me and DH makes it impossible for me to have any emotion other than pure hate when I see her. Maybe it's a lack of class on my part, but I just can't be friendly with this woman. DH can't tell her to go away, because that forces SD to choose between BM or DH and his family. Either way I know SD can sense the tension, and I don't want her to see how much I hate her mother.
If I want to continue to attend these school events, am I expected to tolerate BM in social settings and make small talk with her?! DH doesn't want to go without me, because he also struggles to tolerate BM, but says it's easier with me there. Are there other options that I'm not seeing? Does anyone have suggestions on ways to tolerate BM at these types of things? I feel like I'm gonna lose it if I have to endure another day like that one.
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Maybe your DH could have a
Maybe your DH could have a talk with his MIL about how uncomfortable BM makes you two. You know, tell her that she can chat with BM, but you'd prefer if she didn't follow you when you two walk away. I hate our BM and she is no longer in the picture. But, I do see my ex and my kids' stbSM at functions. We don't really interact other than hi. I am wondering if MIL knows that you are uncomfortable. If she doesn't then she might appreciate the heads up.
She knows... I have many
She knows... I have many issues with her relationship with BM (they have lunch together and go shopping on the regular). DH agrees and has spoken to his mother. The firm response he has gotten from G-ma is that what she does isn't for BM's sake but for SD. By maintaining a relationship with BM, G-ma gets more access to SD. I hate it and so does DH, but a) we can't stop her and b) she does have a point. G-ma often finds out about school things before we do and is included in things like ordering G-ma T-shirts where DH and I are not.
Yes DH is on the same page.
Yes DH is on the same page. He usually responds to small talk with "oh"..."ok"..."yeah" until she just gives up and goes away. This time was worse than normal because G-ma was there encouraging the small talk.
It's not so much that I care what other people think, but more that I don't want to allow BM to force me to run away to the car or bathroom. In my mind that gives her too much power and allows her to force me out of the situation. That's not much better than just staying home.
^This is dead on. I can't be
^This is dead on.
I can't be fake. And the bubbling fury thing makes it so hard to even stand there quietly, biting my tongue without shaking. I'm sure my emotions are all over my face while I try to tolerate her small talk. SD has even asked me on multiple occasions why I don't like her mother. To which I can only respond, "oh honey we are just very different people and have different opinions. I don't dislike her, but I don't think we will ever be friends." (I hate lying to her, but it's the best way to soften the blow.)
LMAO! Thank you, I'm going to
LMAO! Thank you, I'm going to bust out laughing the next time I see her. ((hug))
This.. all of this!! Dont
This.. all of this!! Dont show up early or stay late either. Stick to the times you "have" to be there to mitigate standing around and chatting.
Luckily for me I don't have to communicate "do not talk to me"--my facial expressions do it for me. But on the rare occasion I have to be in a 5 ft radius as BM I get super cordial and polite. I never let her see that I am mentally beating her with a large phone book. Calm and smooth as glass lady... believe me others who see the interaction on her part versus your will know who is in control of themselves.
Good luck!
Not arriving early/ staying
Not arriving early/ staying late is a definite game plan, but only helps for sit, watch, and go home events. There are things like awards banquets consisting of a celebration, food, socializing, then awards. There are picnics, parades, open houses, art shows, and school carnivals. Girl scout outings, box car derbies, and bridging ceremonies. She is a VERY active girl and BM is super MOTY, overly involved, and participates in every single event even if it isn't her custody time. (Sorry for the rant.)
We avoid certain events like school picnics when it isn't our weekend. But trust me if it is our weekend, BM will be there following us around EVERYWHERE. (It actually usually ends with BM taking SD by the hand and leading her around with US following THEM around.) The option in that case is don't let little one go, try to switch weekends, or go and tolerate BM in our face.
Ew that is super frustrating.
Ew that is super frustrating. At that point I think if BM wants to lead the SD around.. go for it. Be there at the event but minimize interaction on a personal level. BM is there to see SD, no need for you guys to try and make small talk. At my SS's soccer games DH and I usually stand on the opposite side of the field and SS will go see BM after for a hug and congrats then come over to us and we go do our thing like pizza and go home. But even when we have to all stand together its still minimal conversation and most is directed at SS.
That situation def blows for sure. In my case BM THINKS shes MOTY.. but it isn't reality unfortunately. Maybe just go to the one events you know you are in a mood to be able to handle for the sake of the SD if YOU truly want to be there. DH and I have a safe word we use when one of us is on the verge of losing it on the BM, that way we know when each other has reached our limit and its time to pop smoke and go.
DH has a hard time letting BM
DH has a hard time letting BM take SD away especially when it is his custody time, because he loses his visit time and BM just gets more. I think he would rather tolerate BM than lose time with SD, which puts me in a tough spot. I actually posted a separate forum topic about this awhile ago, "stressful joint events".
I like the idea of a safe word! I've been working on establishing boundaries, and finding ways to communicate with DH when I'm way past okay with a situation has been hard. I think that might help a lot. Thanks!
No worries! Yep safe word is
No worries! Yep safe word is a lifesaver... I have yelled "PB&J" across the school gymnasium before and he immediately said his goodbyes and we left. No harsh words were said about BM around SS so everyone is blissfully ignorant.
The smell of PB&J alone makes me want to vomit-hence the safe word origin
I completely sympathize. BM
I completely sympathize. BM and MIL are not besties but MIL is cordial for the sake of the kids. DH avoids her like the plague but she usually ends up sitting with MIL or FIL during skid events. I avoid these events because I just can't stand her. However the one thing I've noticed is that if I don't go with DH she'd much more likely to come up and talk to him about some nonsense (he tells me after). So I'm considering going more.
"The amount of conflict that
"The amount of conflict that she has caused me and DH makes it impossible for me to have any emotion other than pure hate when I see her."
I can relate to this statement. And my experience has landed me to currently zero tolerance when it comes to BM.
The first couple of years, DH would try to get me to go to skid's school functions and there was just NO WAY I would subject myself to it. I always declined. BM would have caused a scene of epic proportions. In front of her child, her own family, and the rest of the parents present at said function. She's an absolute nightmare. Even when skid and I were at our closest bond, I had no desire to tolerate BM. I didn't want to expose anyone else to it, just as much as myself, because at that point BM had pulled a bunch of doozies in other public settings. Oof, it makes me shudder to even think about it.
I'm really getting to the
I'm really getting to the point where I can't handle much more, but DH really makes me feel guilty when I try to back out. He wants me there, SD wants me there, and honestly I want to be there (sans BM).
I'm teetering on the balance between "I'm not letting this woman decide my relationship with DH, SD, or dictate where I do or do not go" vs "Your EX not mine, I don't HAVE to deal with her, you do. Have fun going without me."
"Sadly BM knows what she is
"Sadly BM knows what she is doing (making you uncomfortable)" and I would like to add... so is SD....
SD knows by bringing BM over every time you get distant, both are manipulating the situation and it needs to stop.
Simply tell SD, sorry kiddo it's my visitation time you can not hang with BM, or sorry kiddo we came to watch but it's your time with Mum, hang with her...
DH needs to set those boundaries and stop inviting the IL's
I don't think SD is
I don't think SD is manipulating the situation to push either me or DH away, but I do think you are right and we are underestimating her. (Or maybe overprotecting her.) We try not to talk bad about BM, but I think maybe we have been taking that too far into pretending to like her. SD is old enough now to grasp the fact that mom and dad don't get along and SM doesn't like BM either.
Do you think it's okay for DH to say something along the lines of, "DD, I love you and want to spend time with you, but your SM and I want to spend time with YOU not BM. So when daddy has visitation, it's his time to be with you and not time to hang out with your mom even if she happens to be there too." ??
DH should simply tell her...
DH should simply tell her... SD mum and I are not together anymore, we never will be SM is my wife and has nothing to do with BM, thus stop playing this game... when parents divorce you are either with one parent, you can't have both parents at the same time.... something like that
and yes SD is old enough to understand, that's why I say she's playing you, she wants her parents back together,
she might still not see it, could be BM feeding her this wonderful ideas, but Hon in step hell never think anything is innocent, always be alert or you will be very disappointed in the future...