DH inquires before SD goes to visit. She only sees BM once or twice a year but he likes to make sure she's in some sort of stable situation before he lets SD go. So in a way, he lets her vent to him, yeah. She'll tell him where she's living, who she's living with, and if she is in a relationship. He checks because she's lived in some crappy ass apartments with male roommates and an abusive boyfriend, so he wants to make sure she's in a good situation before sending SD. Good situation for her means living with her parents.

Sometimes during pickup/dropoff we make small talk. At the very beginning of my involvement I had to tell him I don't appreciate being left out because it feels like they're reminicing, and he was like ew no I'm trying to be polite I don't actually care what she's saying. Ever since then he's made sure that unless I'm included in the conversation, it's cut short. I don't mind anymore though. They can talk all they want, DH thinks she's gross and he's married to me whereas he never, ever would've married her lol.

I'd say don't let it bother you. We have custody of SD so DH isn't worried about going to court or anything. BM doesn't want SD anyways. He's just being polite and doesn't have a mean bone in his body to be honest. I'd bet the same for your husband. Guys aren't as confrontational as women can be. I've found most men will avoid any type of conflict if they can, which yeah, means talking to the ex and being nice for the sake of no drama.

:jawdrop: DH is proud of not paying the minimum child support for his kids? You hold your head up standing beside someone who claims to lie because it's "easier" than telling the truth and then systematically steals from minor kids he spawned?

We never tolerated this kind of crap when the SpermClan/SpermIdiot would try to pull it. We actually relished it when they would threaten or actually take us to court because we were always far more prepared and in the right than they ever were.

I see the logic of what your DH is doing but it is not something I would tolerate.

I would start going with DH...... if he says no, lets keep the peace I will bluntly ask him....

DO you still have the hots for her, are you 2 making out in the car... who would you rather keep the peace with, me your current wife or your Ex wife?

Even if Dh stands and pats her hand, there is nothing stopping her from asking for a CS review. When/if one is granted, he won't be able to hid his extra $4 an hour.

He's not technically "lying" , he just isn't disclosing. BM has a right to ask for a review whether she suspects he has increased in pay or not. If BM were receiving any state assistance , his income would be reviewed automatically very few years. In my state health and family services can request this review. It doesn't have to be the CP/NCP parent. I really doubt your DH is 'fooling' Bm in that he has not received an increase at all, but she appears to be content not to pursue ...don't bank on that contentment to last four more years.

As to the Christmas gift of cash. Stop sending it home to BM's with SD. Either let Dad hold on to it until she is wanting something at Dad's or help her open a savings account (with both her name and Dad's on it).

I do agree with the poster above who said something along the lines of occasionally letting BM bend Dad's ear. No, very exchange wouldn't be wanted or necessary but things like she may be getting a divorce blah blah . Things will or may affect SD and her life should actually be knowledge Dad could find usage in dealing with his daughter in his own home (ex: SD acting out, depression, tumbling grades, low self esteem and on and on).

Women hide assets, massage numbers all the time and get away with it to boot. Heck I heard of a few who are legally married but claim to be separated giving different addresses on paper to get government money. frankly I am sick of this.

Sooner or later they will be caught I HOPE

Child support should be abolished PLUS most of the time 'awards' are grossly inflated.

I put up with this dog and pony show for about 2+ years. It was increasingly horrible to me. Dh would tell me he gathers "intel" this way. So he can be one step ahead in developments of his kids' lives. For instance she hurt her knee and he let her blab on about it so he could be up to date in case she quit her job over it.

I bought that for awhile then I was still going nuts. I'm sure he still does it but at dropoff when they are at her house. I no longer go to those.

Oh, he would also tell me "she's lonely" and that's why she has to download all her work stories to him at our house. I went off like a firecracker on that.

Anyway, we've successfully relegated her to the driveway now and I no longer endure this hideousness.

I can relate on the money going up in smoke at BM's house. She lets houses go into foreclosure, buys designer purse, won't buy ringworm medicine for skid, etc etc etc. I've always felt the money would be better off just being stashed in a pumpkin and handed to skid at 18 rather than let BM p*ss it away.

This sounds so farmiliar. The whole keeping BM happy so that there is no trouble or any additional child support etc. sounds so much like my ex. I think it's wrong and disrespectful to a new spouse especially if they have voiced concerns and issues with it. I think 99.9 percent of men with a BM are like this unfortunately. I've heard the same story over and over.

AH MA GAWD!!!!
This was my SO's strategy, pre-divorce, so that things would be "easier", and "nicer" when he finally did the deed. Drove me nuts. I was always vigilant and asking, "what does she want now?", and he would always tell me "its about the kids", etc. WEll, one night I caught something "not about the kids" on his phone. And got VERY UPSET. Since then, she has stopped with the flirty messages, but will go on and on about what an idiot her boyfriend is, and how she is fed up, etc. to my SO. Who finds it amusing. I ask him - "is she fishing to see how happy you are with me, if there is anything YOU wish to disclose about OUR relationship???? So she can be amused at how awful I am, or what???" to which he replies "no, I don't know".

LOL. Well, I got the guy she wants, she will never find another even remotely like him, of his caliber. She effed up, and I am feeling pretty lucky. So, Im thinking - go ahead be nice to her, shes the mother of your children, blah blah blah, and we will keep things civil. She doesn't come in the house anymore, not after all the crap she has said about me. He doesn't give to her like he used to - just alimony. I wont let him give to her anything, even if we don't use it or we don't want it, or whatever... Id rather Goodwill it than give it to the BM.

So, thankfully, the divorce is over with, the papers signed and returned, and stamped, and all is well in my world, well, for the most part.

But I understand about the wanting to tell her Eff You...