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How can a parent never call their own blood

SweetMom's picture

My son is 24 years old. He is Developmental delayed autistic. He is like my shadow under me all the time. We do not have any programs here to help him. The only thing I could put him in would be working around criminals such as GoodWill and i’m Not going to do that because he is like a kid and very impressionable. He Does help out around the house like cut grass, wash dishes, vacuum and his own laundry. You could talk to him but he repeats everything and gets distracted in conversation. I’m sure anyone have a grown kid like this understands. My husband told me to quit my job after he graduated so he wouldn’t be alone.  So I make him do chores like a pattern in his life.. and that keeps him sane. His biological father left when he was 8 and I raised him as a single mother without parents of my own to help until I married the same time he graduated. I held a job and took care of us all those years. The year he was going to graduate his dad decides to show his face. I didn’t deprive my son of that dad he desperately needed. He stayed in his life 4 years and now just stopped calling or trying to come around. It’s nerve racking. I desperately need a break. My husband told me not to call or trace his biological father down to have something to do with him. A weekend would be awesome. What is going to happen to my son when I or my husband dies? My husband tells me all the time secretly between us that he would love to choke the living crap out of his biological father. That he lives with his mom and drives his brothers kids around town in their activities playing daddy day care to them and can’t even spend a little time with his own son. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I completely understand where you are coming from. SS18 is Autistic, Bi-Polar, GAD, ADD, ect... It is a ton of fun. He is super sweet but conversations are hard. Fantasy and reality are a very blurred line. My SS does basic chores and is generally a kind soul and I love him dearly. He is mine. His mom and my DH were teen parents. DH was just weeks away from leaving po-dunk Midwest when he went to a part in a field and about a month later got a letter stating that the chick was pregnant. DH wound up marrying her. It lasted like 6 months. DH has always had full custody. BM would only get supervised visits every so often awarded. She is a drunk and a druggie and has gone on to have 7 other children with custody of none. 

I am a little spoiled. My kids dad and I have a good relationship so they visit frequently. Even though we are 3000 miles away they see him for all school breaks, and for long weekends their dad and SM fly to us and take them for the weekend. I get breaks from my kids. DH and I are free to do as we want. However with SS... we can't.  I don't know what we would do if we needed to spend more than one night away. SS can use the microwave and he LOVES canned ravioli. He eats cereal in the morning so we can get him through and evening, overnight and morning without us. However, I would not be comfortable with any more time than that. 

SS will never live on his own. We have a few years left of DH in the military and then plan on buying or building a home with some kind of in-law apartment. However, there is going to come a point where we won't be able to take care of him. I can't imagine putting the burden of him on his brother or my kids. Of course they are all teens now and who knows what will happen down the road. 

I just had an idea though... Care.com -- they do elderly care as well as child care. I wonder if you can find someone who is background checked and has experience with special needs? Maybe book a care giver for a weekend for you and your DH?

Rags's picture

My SS’s BioDad called one time when SS was ~3yo.   That is the only time he called in the 16+ years we lived under the CO.

SS had regular long distance visitation but at most only saw BioDad a portion of a day or two on any visitation.  During visitation SS was pawned off on one or the other of his great grandparents until they passed and then he would stay with his grandparents.  The SpermIdiot had little to do with my SS.

Like your DH, I would choke out the the POS SpermIdiot in a heartbeat.

SS has been in the USAF for nearly 8 years and no one in the SpermClan has called him in years.  Except to try to guilt money out of him to help support his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.

SS-26 asked me to adopt him what he was 22.  We made that happen.  His mom and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary later this year.  I’m his dad.

It is sad that any child has to suffer a toxic parent. Your son is fortunate to have you and his SF.

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Make sure you, as his proxy Dad absolutely BUG him with phone calls, snail mail, Skype and what-have-you. I was extraordinarily lonely for long periods in my adulthood due to having very little family. Some wanted nothing to do with me. I’m an introvert and self-reliant AF but it was still brutal. SpermClan and SpermIdiot are irrelevant. YOU matter.

Rags's picture

Thanks. And yep, I matter.  My bride matters and our son matters.  He is a man that his mom and I are very proud of and proud to have raised to be a viable performing member of society, his profession and his community.

And yes, I bug the shit out of the kid with calls, texts, emails, care packages.   He can't escape his mom and I no matter how far he moves across the globe.  His mom and I were Expats for 7 years and shortly before we moved home, he took an assignment in Germany.  The kid is dodging us!!!  *wink*

Unsuccessfully.  He can run but he can't hide.

He, his mom and I are extremely close and he is extremely close with my parents, my brother and SIL and his Rags clan cousins.

tog redux's picture

Are you sure there are no services for him anywhere? He might enjoy living in a group home and doing some kind of supportive work, where he will be busy, active and around others.  Even if it's not right in your town, if it's a reasonable drive away for you, that might work.

Or, if you want to keep him living at home, it might be worth considering a move to an area that has job services for him, or day programs.

His father is not the solution. Not everyone is cut out to manage a developmentally disabled adult.  And while I don't think it's right for his father to never speak to him, it's not reasonable to expect his father to provide the care that you do, either.

Find some professional help for both of you - it will help his growth and happiness as well.

marblefawn's picture

Forget about his dad. Ask your husband not to tell you anything about him. It will just make you feel worse. Black out on this loser dad.

Of course, you're worried about your son's future. And of course, you need a break!

If you're in the US, can your son get Social Security or disability? That might be a resource for you to find day programs or group homes to check out. If not, maybe make a call to your local Arc. Here is a link to the national group. Take a look and even if they don't have anything suitable for your son, give them a call and see if they can point you in the right direction. What I've learned about people in your situation is that it takes tireless tenacity to find a place, and luck to find a place that's suitable. Don't give up. Sooner or later you will have to transition your son to someone else's care. Now is better than later to help him make the adjustment.

Good luck. I really feel for you and hope you get some relief.

https://www.thearc.org/what-we-do/programs-and-services

 

Thumper's picture

what is the largest town near you? When you figure that out..google TOWNS/Cities name-vo-rehab. ..

Please call your local social services if you come up empty handed.

Also I have no doubt you love your son that is not the issue, the issue is for him to be as independent as possible.

You owe it to yourselves and your son prepare HIM for his future.

Please watch the movie Best Boy or at least look it up. By Ira Wohl...he made this film in the 1970's. Its absoulty wonderful and raw.

About your question: How can a parent never call their own blood. That depends on the reason why it happened in the begining. Maybe you could ask your x why??? Is that possible for you to do.

You dont have to respond to me...

Just something to think about.

Be sure to contact social services in your area OR next largest town. You must give your son a chance to be independent. His ssdi will cover a lot of it.

**truth too is many families dont want to let go of that extra money coming in. Very sad.

WATCH BEST BOY---then you will see what I am talking about.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

By not caring. It really sucks for the kids... But you can't change that. The reality is. The parent has to CHOOSE to have a relationship. Plus frankly, if the parent isn't going to care. Maybe it's better for them to stay out. I'm sorry you're having to deal with and watch that. It's always terrible.

Psycho has made phone calls twice. On HER birthday (to ask my DH for money) and then on mother's day AFTER she had been served for court (Also to dig on, well what did you do for PA, because I'm your mom, then she told everyone we wouldn't let her see the kids -that she didn't ask to see- on mother's day *eye roll*). Other than that radio silence. She dind't even celebrate SD6's birthday at all. I met up with her family (her not included, they didn't even ask) so they could celebrate. It's terrible to watch.

As for your SS. I like the idea of using care.com. Just so you know someone is there and you can get much deserved (and needed) time away!!!

still learning's picture

My current company deals with mentally/physically disabled adults and it's a positive environment for those we serve.  The homes have state oversight and are staffed 24/7.  Mjany of the clients work or are in job coaching/vocational rehab programs.  I have two sons with mildish disabilites. They can be mostly independant but will always need some support and guidance.  The older one is working in a Goodwill type setting now and has a job coach and the younger one is set to enter a program when he graduates. 

Like you my sons father is barely involved in their lives. He doesn't live too far away but is just "too busy". He has to work at his current relationship and has a job he tells me.  I'm in the same boat, I work, have relationships, have a freaking job AND somehow manage to help my children along in life.  Your sons father may not want to be involved but according to state laws on the books he may be legally bound to be even through he's an adult.  It's unfair for one parent to provide all the resources and care for an adult disabled child.  I'd look into seeing what his obligations are according to your state.  Even if no child support is paid after 18, there may be a clause for disabled adult children.  

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard.