Ram's picture

Our marriage counselor got it right

I got to thinking yesterday and decided to broach the subject with our marriage counselor and I sent her an email. She brought it up and dh was wishy washy saying that when his kids are 18 and grown we can live together. She asked him why and then proceeded to ask him why he would abandon his grown kids when they are at the fun age and need him the most for life advice as they start out on their own. She told him that makes him a horrible father. She said waiting till they are grown to push them away with me is worse than doing it when they are underage. She told him that they won't accept me anymore at 18 then they do now. Then she told him that she can't help us and have a good night. Dh just sat there stupefied. Once he found his voice again they talked about ways to make this work now. I never said a single word! He was apologizing to me and squeezing my hand promising to make this work. His plan that she asked him, what an ideal plan would be, is that they will move back in, in July when his lease is up. He is going to let bm know now so she can pull all her crap and get it out of her system and let the kids know now and he will enforce visitation. They won't have a choice to come and of course counseling with him and the kids. He also wants to make sure I am there every weekend he has his kids so that we can bond and the kids can see I am healthy again. When he finished his ideal plan she asked him if he was going to do that and he said yes. I've already gotten a copy of the email he sent bm this morning letting her know!!!

Acratopotes's picture

oh dear - you are making a

oh dear - you are making a mistake and your therapist clearly has no experience in step hell...

regardless of how old skid are, they will never accept you and it will always be step hell.....

Your Dh is right - let's wait till kids are grown and on their own... this man is not stupid...
he's not abandoning his kids, they are effing adults and should be in their own lives....

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

hereiam's picture

Good luck.

Good luck.

Ram's picture

I want to live with my

I want to live with my husband and be a family with our dd.

downsouthinTX's picture

women in abusive

women in abusive relationships often stay because they dont want to deprive their children of the "happy family" model.

the same goes for couples who have affairs. people stay because "of the kids" and want to give the kids BOTH parents.

those things do not usually end well.

Ram's picture

Dh isn't abusive. Why do you

Dh isn't abusive. Why do you live with your boyfriend?

downsouthinTX's picture

you want that model family

you want that model family with your baby under the same roof as both parents...

your DH may not be abusive...but he has children who are.

the fall out from however it unfolds when/if you move back in may not be worth it just to have the "model family".
the emotional toll, mental toll and physical toll it may take on you, your BIO KIDS and your marriage may just not be worth living together so the infant can have both parents.

which is why i said an abused wife may live for years with the abuse in order to keep her kids under the same roof with both parents. she may endure beatings, low self esteem, verbal abuse etc just so her kids can live with mom and dad.
the sad part is though it rubs off on the kids over time.
and she doesn't have to live in that mess. she thinks its creating a happy family but in actuality her kids have witnessed and been subjected to things they shouldnt have to be.

Ram's picture

The fall out will be on dhs

The fall out will be on dhs kids not me. If they decide not to come over anymore than that is on them. They are making the decision to not see their dad. I will be there to support dh.

downsouthinTX's picture

if his kids spend 50/50 there

if his kids spend 50/50 there now...and your kid spends 50/50 there now...why is it better to have his kids spend 0 time there and your kid spend 100% of the time there?

its seems like it makes sense and is fair to all the kids to have equal time with dad.

i think you did state you dont want his kids around your baby anyways. so even if you dont live there they never see the baby but at least they get their dad 50% of the time.

Ram's picture

Kids don't get to decide dhs

Kids don't get to decide dhs life. You preach that all the time. Your words were what encouraged me to speak up to my therapist. The adult decides not the child. Dh is deciding. If oldest ss bucks that than that is his decision but dh will not be ruled by his children.

downsouthinTX's picture

ok let me make sure i got all

ok let me make sure i got all the fact right...
SS is mean, abusive, has issues.
DH has 2 other kids
you have 1 kid
and you and DH have 1 kid together.
you were down and out with PPD and it affected DH and his kids lives so you took your infant and other child and moved out.
meanwhile DH sees ALL his kids 50/50. BUT he doesn't see the infant during the same time he sees the other kids. (meaning have all 4 of his kids for the whole 50/50 time all to himself without any moms around.)
sometimes you come over when he has his other kids and bring the baby and your other child and you eat dinner or whatever and all 5 kids and you and he break bread and model the happy family.

now you have a wrangle on your PPD and want to move back in to his house and have all 5 kids there 50/50.
SS issues have not been resolved but because DH doesn't let SS call the shots he will be forcing him to visit the same as he does now when you dont live there.
and you will be ok come july with having SS and your 2 other kids under the same roof even though SS issues have not been resolved and now hes even more angry at the situation.

maybe i am missing something like by July DH will have all of SS issues under control and you guys wont have to worry about the baby living in the same house. and SS will be parented and come to terms with you living there and not be hateful/spiteful and make your life a hell.
whether you live there or not SS has issues that are not fixed yet. moving in is going to be adding more issues to his list.
if DH has a hard enough time right now keeping SS in check/under control it wont get easier to keep it under control by adding more.

if PPD was the only reason things went south and now its better then the plan wouldnt be so bad. but because you have a kid with issues that arent fixed only 1/2 the problems from you being there before have been resolved.

so it seems as though the options are
you move in and SS come for his 50/50 and is a holy terror or you move in and DH lets SS not come and call the shots.
either way SS behavioral issues still arent fixed.

downsouthinTX's picture

if the SS didn't have

if the SS didn't have behavioral issues and just didn't like the SM because she wasn't his mom. he ignored her but wasn't evil or mean it would still be entirely different.

There were 2 problems with the "big happy family model" from before, PPD and SS behavioral.
only 1 of those has been addressed and over come.
1 still remains.

Ram's picture

My therapist said to let the

My therapist said to let the issue with ss go because him and I will never agree on it and she didn't feel ss had any mental health issues. So no one is saying ss has mental health or behavioral issues.

downsouthinTX's picture

the same therapist that you

the same therapist that you and DH see is the same one who sees SS? is it the same one you see for PPD as well?
do you guys have in person sessions? or just email/virtual?

having lived with this kid yourself...do you think SS has problems? anger? behavioral? mental? anxiety? etc?
does DH think SS has problems?

i ask because whatever you have witnessed and lived through is enough for you to move out and also not want your baby and other child around SS. to me...an outsider...that seems like something is not quite right.

Ram's picture

My personal therapist for my

My personal therapist for my ppd. I never had a problem with ss before the kitten incident. It has changed my views on him so I can't say how I feel about him now except weary. I was in the midst of ppd when I threw him out.

downsouthinTX's picture

have you DH and SS sat down

have you DH and SS sat down just the 3 of you and you had a heart to heart with SS and told him sorry and try to explain in kid terms about PPD? and that you got help and you are better?

i can imagine that in the chaos his view changed on you and your view changed on him. both of you have to find an arrangement then.

downsouthinTX's picture

so the kids have to see that

so the kids have to see that YOU are healthy again but you dont have to see that his kids are healthy again?

and you just sat there and let DH and the therapist make all your life choices and call all the shots and you are just going along with it?

Ram's picture

I believe his oldest son will

I believe his oldest son will decide he isn't coming over and dh will adapt his relationship with him to seeing him out of the house and that is a okay with me.

downsouthinTX's picture

why is it ok for the oldest

why is it ok for the oldest kid to have to detach from his seeing his dad 50/50 and spending that time that he already does so your infant can live with his/her dad?

Ram's picture

Oldest ss will have to make

Oldest ss will have to make his decision and that is his choice. He is welcome to live with dh 50/50.

Ram's picture

In my other posts you say

In my other posts you say kids should not be allowed to decide where they live. Make up your mind.

downsouthinTX's picture

they shouldn't...and its

they shouldn't...and its 50/50.
maybe i missed it or read it wrong but you dont want his kids there at same time as yours?

and if he forces his oldest to do 50/50 because yes, he is a kid who doesnt get to call the shots...you will be ok with SS being in the home 50% of the time with you and your chidlren?

Ram's picture

Yes. I have heard from

Yes. I have heard from different people that what ss did with the kittens doesn't make him a budding serial killer. My therapist helped me see that other people have different values and morals than I do and just because ss saw nothing wrong with what he did doesn't mean he is a budding serial killer. I won't let him around dd till I feel safe with him there.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

If your DH tells your kids

If your DH tells your kids that they have no choice, then they will ultimately blame you for this. They will know that it is because of you that there dad is changing things. If anything, this plan has the potential to make them dislike you even more.

I agree that you need a new therapist.

2badsosad's picture

Did I read this correctly?

Did I read this correctly? You WANT your steps to live with you after the age of 18?

downsouthinTX's picture

i think the therapist said

i think the therapist said that if the dad ditches the kids when they are 18 hes a bad dad then. because 18 yr olds need their parents to help them start out in life.

which is why everyone is saying they need a new therapist.

i mean i figured if you raised your kids right leaving at 18 they would have all the skills and tools(mentally and emotionally) to function as adults.
but this therapist thinks otherwise i guess.

downsouthinTX's picture

and it seems as though the

and it seems as though the therapist and DH made all her life plans for her and said how things will go and she just went along.

she wants her baby to have both parents under the same roof regardless of the consequences,
which is why above i stated that women in abusive relationships want that "model family" more than they want to get out.
its a shame.

Ram's picture

I didn't need to say anything

I didn't need to say anything since she was addressing my issue and it came out in my favor.

2badsosad's picture

I think that is the worst

I think that is the worst therapist on the face of the planet. Those kids should be able to get a job and move out. Unless, they are going to college and proving they are taking steps to help themselves. Otherwise, if they are living in the home you are only furthering their dependence on you.

Ram's picture

She meant be there for them

She meant be there for them advice wise.

2badsosad's picture

I see. I read it wrong. But

I see. I read it wrong. But why are they going to move in? I think you're in for a world of hurt if you think they will really accept you. I am sorry to say that but it's true.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why can't he be there for the

Why can't he be there for the kids when they are adults? Makes no sense. I am always there for my DD yet she moved out after high school. Does this therapist think letting adults live their lives in abandoning them?

Ram's picture

She told dh she can't help

She told dh she can't help him if he wants to wait to live together till his kids are 18. I believe dh will parent his kids and make them come for his time. He has 50/50. I don't really care if the kids decide not to come. Dh can still see them and they are always welcome.

Maxwell09's picture

Do you remember what happened

Do you remember what happened the last time it came to choosing between you and them? That's right-he got his own place. I think you are making a huge mistake by trying to force feed these kids a relationship with you. Here we talk all about how a DH should be understanding to why a stepmom wants to disengage after the misery their skids put them through, but in your case the situation is flipped and you think that because you are the wife and mother of his other children they should just get over how you treated them. I thought you giving them space but regularly seeing them when they are with their dad was a good place to start a new relationship. What your plans are now though are going to backfire and his kids will bolt, blame you, me he will resent you all over again because the best indicator for future actions is past actions.

Ram's picture

I'm not forcing anything. Dh

I'm not forcing anything. Dh came to this plan on his own. This is his decision.

Maxwell09's picture

Yes with the encouragement of

Yes with the encouragement of the therapist that he will magically do better parenting this time than he did last time when everything went to crap. I think you are putting a lot of faith in what he's promising you instead of looking at his track record for dealing with his kids.

downsouthinTX's picture

i always liked the saying

i always liked the saying "actions speak louder than words"

its served me well to navigate people

hereiam's picture

You guys are all over the

You guys are all over the place. I feel sorry for the kids.

Totalybogus's picture

I guess I'm not understanding

I guess I'm not understanding why everyone is upset that she is working on reunification with her husband. They separated. They are going through counseling. They are dating.

I agree with Ram. She is allowing the boy to come back into her home, even after he did what he did. She is leaving the choice to him. She is leaving the parenting part to his dad to either enforce visitation or not. I don't think she is trying to separate her DH from his son. She is trying to fix her marriage. Her daughter also deserves the chance to live with her parents. Maybe we should stop looking at her as the second wife and look at her as the last wife.

The boy did what he did. She reacted. I know she says she had PPD, but any caring human would have had a problem with what that boy did. Every mother would have had a concern for their infant child. I do believe her husband gave up on her too fast, and she's right, he should have been there for her when she needed him. He should have tried to work through this before leaving. But that's neither here nor there now. The point is he is working on the marriage as well.

I know I wouldn't wait for a man I was married to for six years. She is making concessions as well. She is working on herself, although, I don't think she was the problem.

I guess I'm not seeing what you all are seeing. I may have missed something.

Ram's picture

I don't see it either.

I don't see it either.

Maxwell09's picture

The problem is that she is

The problem is that she is repeating what got her separated in the first place. She made him choose between her and them and he moved out. Now after they've separated and things are getting better she wants to move back in. She's going to move back in, things will become unbareable again and then her and her husband Willa fight and separate all over again. That's why we don't agree.

Totalybogus's picture

But she said she will

But she said she will facilitate the 50/50 and leave the logistics to her husband and his son. How is that doing the same thing?

Livingoutloud's picture

Nothing makes sense. DH says

Nothing makes sense. DH says he wants to live together after kids are grown which seems logical. Crazy therapist says it means abandoning kids (ugh?), and now you want to move in together. None makes sense to me

twoviewpoints's picture

Meh, judge won't make this

Meh, judge won't make this fifteen/sixteen year old teen visit his father 50% of the time if kid refuses. You went total meltdown on the kid accusing him of going to feed his sister a snake and booted him , banning him.

Kid is old enough judge will not force and even if custody remains 50/50 for this kid, no one will actually enforce the order.

Curious. Has anyone sent SS to counseling to understand about PPD? It took you numerous steps to understand and recover from your experience, yourself. DH and you are doing marriage counseling to get through the events. What about SS?

Ram's picture

Dh is going to take stepkids

Dh is going to take stepkids and himself to therapy. I will mention to him to have the therapist explain ppd. I didn't think of having someone explain it to him. I hope that makes a difference.

Cooooookies's picture

People don't change after one

People don't change after one therapy session. People don't change by being shocked. In general, people don't change. Unless they want to. Your DH was kicked in the head from one therapy session and now you guys are living in the honeymoon phase of your reuniting plan.

If the SS hurt kittens, he would have no problem hurting anything or anyone else. It IS a bad BAD BAD horribly bad indicator if a person can hurt animals. You're rewriting facts to make this disastrous plan work. You have a young child who will be put in harm's way (SS) all because you're both wearing rose-coloured glasses.

The issues still have NOT been addressed. DH's don't start parenting overnight. They don't. And now you're going to put your small child in danger because you're just ignoring all the facts about the past and setting your heart on hypothetical candyland where everyone starts magically getting along because you want it to.

I really really hope that in the future, you are NOT blogging about how SS did something pretty awful to you or your young bio. Or that things have gone back to Square One as they were before the Great Divide.

Take 1,000 steps back and take this sllloooooowwwwww. Let your DH take SS to therapy. Witness tangible progress. Have brief visits to your DH's when he has SS. Watch SS body language and attitude towards you and your little bio. Have tangible, visible evidence that things are improving. One step forward at a time.

Don't dream the idyllic world will happen overnight. This mess wasn't created overnight so it won't be fixed overnight and from one therapy session. If that were the case, none of us would need StepTalk for help and to maintain our sanity.

You have huge issues to fix and they haven't been fixed yet. Wait for evidence of improvement. Wait. Watch. Go slow. Don't jump in just because you want this. Do what is best for your baby. You're the only that can protect him/her yet you're willingly going to throw your baby in the lion's den and pretend the lion is all better now.

He's not. It's not. You're not...and you have a baby to protect, Mama. That comes first. Always.

"She doesn't have the control over SS that she used to. She doesn't have control over DH. And I'm going to be the scapegoat." ~RosaluOsliar

Cooooookies's picture

That's still all kinds of

That's still all kinds of effed up, especially since they were meant to be pets...not snake food.

"She doesn't have the control over SS that she used to. She doesn't have control over DH. And I'm going to be the scapegoat." ~RosaluOsliar