See my advice below and enjoy the show:

Whatever you and your SO have decided is appropriate to do, then do it! Every situation and relationship is different; every family circumstance deserves consideration.

I went to graduations, weddings, even SD's 50th surprise birthday party with BM there. It went well, because I just was there for what I and DH had discussed and decided to do.

I didn't care what anyone said or thought of me. I was DH's wife and we knew this would only last for a few hours and we did it for the kids and gkids at the time.

I no longer attend these events, because I am disengaged; but this is my choice and nobody made that choice for me; it was my decision. The Skids and SGKids are grown now and I no longer feel obligated to kiss the @@@ss's.

Lol...

Idvilen, you hit the nail on the head. SM's deserve to be treated with respect at all family functions, including weddings. I don't understand why skids think they can ignore the fact that their father has remarried. My husband would never treat any of his kids spouses with disrespect, but they think it's ok to do the same to his wife.

I had to stand by and watch my husband being posed in family pictures with his ex-wife and kids at my ss's wedding a few years ago. This was definitely not a "non-issue"! I would have made myself invisible if I could. I felt like everyone was watching me stand by myself while he was posed in picture after picture with someone he can't stand! This was never discussed prior to the wedding. My husband asked for a couple of pictures to be taken of us with the bride and groom. When the wedding pictures were posted on Facebook, not a single picture of me and my husband was included. My ss and his bride had no qualms asking my husband (and me)to pay for the several thousand dollar wedding rehearsal dinner though, even paying BM's share when she refused at the last minute, but they couldn't include a picture of us from the wedding! My DIL even had the nerve to "tag" my husband in the pictures with his ex-wife so that they would show up on his timeline. He deleted Facebook that day.

At the weddings of my two kids, my husband was in ever picture with me. We had some pictures of all 4 parents (my ex, his wife, me and my husband) with the bride & groom, then pictures of just us with the couple. I didn't think it was appropriate to have pictures taken with just me and my ex like we were still married. We're not. I even sat next to his wife at my daughter's wedding.

A male cousin of mine recently got married, it was a big catholic wedding so both parents had 'roles' to play. Well at the rehearsal the BM looks at my uncle (her ex) and says you should probably just walk me down the aisle, he literally laughed then said very stern the only woman I am walking down the aisle is my wife. I was very impressed that he wouldn't let his wife be pushed aside just because BM and himself are the parents, while stepmom Is not.

I see no need for stepmom to be pushed aside so that the parents can play happy little family for the sake of the skids wedding, it can still be a wonderful wedding without that nonsense.

SS30 and his GF have been living together for a couple of years now and have a baby. They tell people they are engaged. But they have no plans to get married because "they can't afford it" yet.

Sure. What they mean is they can't afford to have a big expensive costume party. Sort of like a Halloween party but with the matching dresses and tuxes instead of horror costumes. Although I'd love to see a row of bridesmaids dressed up like slutty maids, nurses, etc - like most Halloween costumes these days.

I have no interest at all in whether or not anybody "respects" me at the wedding. We will not pay a dime for it. Wedding present will be what I usually give - not expensive at all. I most likely will have something mandatory to attend out of town like the board meeting of a college I represent.

At MSD's wedding I acted as a guest. I wasn't allowed to sit with family or in pictures. I brought my own date (my little sister and my daughter) who were also invited as guest. We sat back, watched, and acted as guest. It was fun! Dh made the choice to sit with us instead of at the family table at the reception and danced with me during songs. Best way to go is as a guest not as family and let your DH make his choices on the rest. DH did pull the photographer aside and ask for a picture of me and him. After the wedding he asked SD for a copy and he would pay for it. She said ok and then never got it for him. We blew it off.

I love your attitude, Merrywey. Why should we have low expectations and expect to receive nothing but crumbs? I see the difference in how my adult kids treat their dad and his wife compared to how my husband and I are treated by his kids. My daughter got married last fall and we included my ex's wife when going for dress alterations and planning the bridal shower. Why wouldn't we?

My suggestion is that you discuss this openly with SO quite a while before the wedding takes place and get his views on it. Ask what his reaction would be if you were expected to sit in the back. Ask what he would do if pictures are taken and he is expected to act like 'happy family'. Ask what he would do if you were not seated next to him for dinner. That way you will know how whether you want to go or not. This will also give you a clue to what you can expect if you marry this man.

I will say though, that if my DH went along with the ostracizing behavior some of the SMs on this site have endured, I would definitely question where I stood in his life.

I DO like the idea of laughing at unreasonable requests (or demands) and treat them like they must be joking.

It really all depends on what your SD's, and their BM, is like

At my OSD's wedding DH & I were treated like garbage. Table at the back of the room, we were treated like the people put at the table that you don't really want there but have to invite

Tons of drama from DH's sister, trying to create issues with BM and I (who at the time got along just great with no problems) Both myself AND DH excluded from wedding photos, glares from OSD when FIL asked me up to dance (and was way friendlier to me than to BM) Even YSD got uptight about FIL and I having a dance and quite rudely and publicly interrupted it....YSD has gotten much better these days and we get along fantastically

Now, with YSD's recent wedding - complete opposite! Was treated as she refers to me - her "other Mom" From the Mother's corsage (identical to BM's) to being seated in the front row and advised to answer "we do" along with BM, her SO, and DH when asked who gives the bride away, to her insisting her SM (me ) was in the family wedding photo's, being seated at a table right up front near the bridal party at the wedding Reception, to her speech in which she thanked ALL her parents for everything. My YSD's wedding was a dream come true for me, for the most part....not so much the rehearsal dinner I held for her, but the wedding itself was great all said and done

With that said, BM was competitive, had to get up and dance with her SO every time she saw DH & I get up. If I got up and danced with a bunch of ladies, she would bring a bigger bunch of ladies on the floor. When every couple was supposed to take silly pictures that were printed right there - one for you and one for memories for YSD and her groom, BM scowled at the pictures of DH & I and looked like she was going to rip us up...so unfortunately there was stupidness from her - but other than that it was an awesome experience

Your SD sounds like she might be more like my OSD unfortunately, therefore, go there as a guest simply to support your husband. Don't expect much more. Smile, look great, and try to enjoy yourself!

Suggestions: Spend the day before with a BFF or other close friend and wear something you love to the big day so you're feeling pretty swell. If you have a talisman or anything like that, put it on your person. If you need to discuss possible issues with your SO prior, don't spend too much time on it--just let him know that you're going to support him and expect him to include you where appropriate. Odds are, the more threatened they are, the weirder the vibe might be from bio mom and her pals. If you don't get alot of friction, it could be that they don't want to be blamed for ruining the big day so you might actually see people bending over to appear as the polite ones. In any case, you won't be included in photos but should be alongside your SO going through the receiving line. You may end up at a table while SO is doing a dance or two--that's a great time to touch up your makeup, get a drink or a bit of fresh air. Tell yourself its only a few hours out of your life but it will be a great preview of coming attractions so think long and hard if there's any doubt that this is where you want to be in 30 years. In my experience, most people's personalities are pretty set and change is very difficult. Good luck!

Advice - make sure you have a flask of strong stuff in your purse, in case the fake illness you get 10min before the reception can not be pulled of classy and convincingly....

Be a good guest and leave a gift for the couple, only envelope gift with a My deepest sympathy card for the groom and a note for SD, now you have your own husband to manipulate and order around, leave mine alone

Make sure you visited the SPA, get a million dollar make over, nails tails and all and look at every one with disgust, pretend to be some or other very rick snobbish lady.... you can always blame it on feeling not so well and not wanting to be rude staying for the SD's sake....

Oh make sure your outfit is ivory }:) }:) }:)

Have fun and mess with her mind....

In your shoes I would play sick or dead for the day but I will not go

StepAside, great comments. We're all here because our step problems are real and it's disheartening to be attacked when we post how we feel. This should be a place for support, not a place to feel as devalued as our skids make us feel.

When my DD got married in 2014, there was no splitting up of the parents. DH sat with me, Asshat walked DD down the aisle and then took his seat with Money-Ka and their three children, all of whom were in the wedding.

Everyone acted like grownups. Money-Ka was included as one of the parents, because we are all adults and that's what our daughter wanted. So, we obliged.

Now, at the reception, Asshat gave his speech - all about how HE felt when she was born and how she grew into an intelligent and thoughtful young woman. My friends were texting me things like "wow, did it hurt when he was in labor?" and "how much did he pay you to act as his surrogate" and other silly nonsense that made it hard for us to pay attention to the speech, but I didn't care. EVERYONE in the room knew that I birthed that kid, not Asshat, and I thought it was so Asshat typical to make it all about him.

Later that night, Money-Ka and I were having a glass or three of wine and she told me that she hated his speech, that she told him it was stupid and that even though it should have made me feel bad, she knew it wouldn't because I am an adult. I am no fan of Money-Ka, that's for sure, but that night was about DD, and we all knew it, so we behaved accordingly.

It's not really that hard.

I went to my osd wedding and was totally not prepared for the deliberate crappy treatment.

My SS was one of two who would escort the guests to their seat at the church for the wedding ceremony. I walked into the church & witnessed the guests before me getting escorted to their seats. I stood at the back, now next in the line. I stood there while SS just stared at me and then shrugged his shoulders, so I walked myself down the isle and seated myself. I sat exactly where we had rehearsed the night before but bm's brother comes up to me and loudly requests that I move to another row, which i did. Then at the reception, I found myself alone and just did my best to survive it. I was kind to everyone, polite, but felt the glares, stares and the looks (from people I don't even know) that I now call the looks of "oh, that's the witch I have heard about". At the reception was a beautiful "Money Tree" that I had made for the bride & groom. I had glued flowers, butterflies, and a beautiful birds nest. My dh thought it was so pretty that it would be something past down for other weddings, but after the wedding reception, bm's brother removes the money for the couple and then proceeded to destroy the tree and throw it in the trash.

I say who in the hell would sign up to be the abused entertainment for a bitter bm, HER children and her allies.

At SD's second wedding (which we helped pay for) I was seated behind a large column in the chapel.

It was a small wedding, so there was plenty of room. Go figure.

When my SD was married we paid for a big chunk of the wedding. DH borrowed from his retirement. That was a few years ago and we are still paying it back.
I offered SD assistance with some little things here and there. I did not attend her bridal shower as I happened to be lucky enough to have an event out of town and was going to be away for that weekend but honestly I wouldn't have gone because I know that SD and BM hate me. I did however purchase a special, personalized very thoughtful gift and I also made sure that my then teenage daughter had a gift for her also.
DH found out before the wedding that SD planned on putting me at a table in the back of the reception while DH sat at the table with BM. SD wanted it to look like DH and BM were still a couple. DH found out and put his foot down. The day of the wedding I ran out and picked up stuff that they forgot and drove it to the venue. I always try to be the bigger person but it sure wears on me.
At the wedding when it was time for pictures I was excluded. I am not in a single picture.
I just look at it as it was her BIG day and just consider the source.
I am so used to the games that they play.
As always, I have never received a thank you for any of the gifts or anything that I have done.

What to watch our for? Exclusion. At both weddings I was surprisingly included in much of the day, even some pictures. However my daughters with DH, the skids half sisters who adore their older siblings, were not even invited. SD had a 160 person wedding with a kids table. SS's wedding was double the size, no kids at the reception but there were several kids participating in the ceremony. At SDs wedding her older sister mentioned in her speech how wonderful it was to have the whole family here to celebrate. At SS's wedding the brides co-maids of honor were giving a speech about how similar the bride and groom were and said both were the babies of the family. Guess DDs don't count. Even though I was treated better than most women on this board get treated on their skids wedding day, there were so many things that made me feel like my DH's plus one and not a member of the family who had been in the picture over half of their lives.

Speaking of bullying (earlier), according to WikiHow, here is How to Respond to an Adult Bully of any kind:
1. Avoid the bully whenever possible.
2. Ignore any inappropriate behavior.
3. Use humor. Remember your hurt feelings are a huge reward for the negative behavior.
4. Confront someone with whom you spend time with regularly. If you are being bullied by a coworker or a family member whom you interact with frequently, you need to speak with this person privately about his or her behavior.
5. Remain calm. Bullies often target people they know they can get a rise out of.
6. Be mindful of your physical and emotional reaction.
7. Document any offences.
8. Speak to a superior or someone who can help.
9. Refuse to take bullying behavior personally. You’re not doing anything wrong—it’s not about you.
10. Don’t reciprocate bullying behavior.
11. Refrain from getting into a physical altercation.
12. Choose not to allow yourself to become isolated by a bully.

Here is a suggestion for the bride or groom to write on the bottom of dad’s wedding invite to give him a heads-up:

“Dear dad and SM, dad’s wife, or whatever,

I’m only sending this invite to you alluding that SM's name is on it because I more or less have to. I don’t really want what’s-her-name to go of course, but some *&*#@ etiquette book claims I have to and who knows, maybe you won’t come if I don’t invite her.

This is just a heads-up that if your woman does show up, I will make sure that I get as many people as I can on board to make sure that this day is at least the second worst day of her life. If she even remotely tries to act like your wife, me and my cohorts will make *&*#@ sure that she is kicked to the curb, humiliated, and stomped on every chance we get. The wedding planner and others won’t mind. I was told by them that this wedding is all about the bride and groom, so any common sense or sense of decency gets to be put aside just for us and our special day! So, yippee!

This day is going to be all about us and hanging out with mom and dad. I even read on-line that it is not uncommon for the couple to just forget that step-mom exists when planning their wedding [this part is actually true], so even tho. you and what’s-her-name have been married for 13 years, if you get mad at any of us for doing this, I’m just going to pretend I forgot she was even around!

Yipee! I’m getting a free pass to go after your woman! I’m going to have her sit in the back row, at the kiddie table, I don’t care. If you won't play along, then I’m just going to have to trick you and mom into being posed and acting hitched every chance I get. If what’s-her-name gets upset, I and everyone else will just get to claim she is trying to take BM’s place, and that will really get things going and everyone will be joining with me at the wedding to bring this be.atch down.

P.S. If SM contributed funds to this wedding, sorry, but we still don’t have to be nice to her.”

Yep, don’t go; just say no!! (By the way, I actually would have really appreciated a heads-up- like the above vs. what I really got—absolutely no warning at all.)

Last year my SD34 did two things, she asked her dad for $ for the wedding (she has more education and makes more $ but asked anyway and he gave our money), and she invited both of us to the wedding. Because she lives cross country, we don't often see her so I was blindsided when I arrived and heard her and BM talking that they hadn't expected me to come. Must b why I didn't get a flower....anyway, the photographer dragged me into photographs...which were never included in the photo pack sent to parents. ....it was an outdoor wedding venue and the seating arrangement had me sitting in the BBQ pit by myself...I told my DH that I was not sitting in a BBQ pit and would call a taxi...he had BM seat me next to him tho BM sat on his other side ...afterward, at the reception, I was alternately snarled at by SS38, or grilled for info by the aunt...I instead spent reception chatting w the groom's family. I can't look like Sofia but I am a size 4 and played it up with a beautiful suit. I then came back home and am downsizing my home that we bought when we married bc, as I am childless I foolishly thought his adult children would visit...after ten years the SD has been here twice, always when she wants Daddy to do something for her... DH is clueless. So if you must go to the wedding, look great, socialize with others, but expect t to be made to feel like a wallet.

I've been through two SKID weddings, and both completely different

The first - my OSD's - both DH & I were treated pretty much like garbage. Our table at the very back of the room where you normally would put the least wanted people LOL (while BM, not to mention FIL and DH's sister all upfront)

OSD completely ignored DH & I, no thank you for anything, and then OSD created a huge issue accusing DH of pushing SSIL....it was just not a nice evening

Yet, I had a great time! Seriously!

Sat back, stayed uninvolved in all the drama. Dressed with style, behaved my best (was super polite and kind to BM, lots of congrats) ignored the attempts at drama from DH's sister, and the stares and glares from OSD

Danced with FIL at his requests, who was only too happy to have me dance multiple times with him LOL

....I made a point to enjoy myself despite the obvious typical SM treatment - the competitiveness from BM, the attempts to start a big scene from DH's sister, the obvious glares and jealous hostility from OSD, and even the attempts back then from YSD to take any and all good attention off of me - like rudely interrupting FIL and my dance together, and just breaking in and dancing with him, leaving me standing there a little stunned - apparently I had no right to dance with my own father-in-law, who had made a point to ask me to)

Then there was YSD's wedding

Like night and day. I was treated like 'the other Mom'....totally didn't ask for that, never ever would expect or want it, and in a way almost more uncomfortable (but totally pleased and grateful to at least be treated with some decency!)

I wore a corsage just like BM, was seating in the front row during the ceremony with BM and her SO. I was even asked to participate in giving YSD away, by saying along with BM, her SO and DH when asked who gives her away that "we do"

Although there were the typical pictures of BM and DH with YSD (and I swear YSD had a weird smug look on her face haha) she also made sure that I was included in the pictures as well...in fact even more so than DH's sister which was very strange. I was more included and treated even better than DH's sister the entire evening. I'm not saying it because I think in any way it's a competition, but I could not help but notice this

We were seated up front near BM at the wedding, and when YSD got up to say a few words, she said she wanted to thank "all her parents"

So, for a SKID wedding, I really couldn't have asked for a better night or better treatment

But, since you asked for tips, quite honestly I can say part of it has to do with what you make it. You would think it would have been much better for me to tolerate the second wedding over the first. But in all honesty, I didn't really have a hard time at OSD's wedding in comparison. In many ways I felt more relaxed at hers...I had expected to be treated like I didn't exist and went with no expectations, other than to have an enjoyable evening with my husband. And I did

I went to YSD's wedding with the same expectation (none) and was completely blown away at all she did for me, and honoured for sure. But still had to deal with the same competitiveness from BM LOL, the same hatred directed at me from OSD, and still on display for all the guests just dying for some juicy scene to gossip about

The best you can do is dress with class, behave with maturity, have zero expectations, and do your best to have a nice time!

There is no way my DH would have allowed us to be seated separately, he would snap on that one. I can't imagine anyone thinking that that is okay

I went. We were not married or even officially engaged yet. Looked my best. Wore what the bride wanted. Kept to the background. I was helpful and refused to get in the middle of drama. Now that we are married, the SDstrat me like crap but at least the rest of the family saw me for me. Be prepared to be ignored at best.

I am currently having huge fights with my partner of 11 years over his daughter's wedding, I cannot believe she could treat me like she did and her dad enable the treatment, he knew I was clearly upset on the day but could not see any wrong in his little 'princess'. I thought I had a good relationship with all his 4 kids, but I really think her true colours showed last Saturday and I am still very hurt and now really so angry it is eating me up. I am spending every waking hour hating her with a passion and I know I need to let it go, but she backed out of coming to see me before going off on honeymoon (a week after the wedding), so I cannot get it off my chest.

Look at the chain of events and see if you would be hurt - oh by the way - daddy paid for everything and her husband's parents and he BM paid nothing!

We stayed at the venue the evening before, I went out of my way and spent an absolute fortune on my out fit. On coming downstairs, the family were given their buttonholes and corsages, I was left out.

Then, we went to were the ceremony was taking place, my partner's mother was sat on the front row and she spoke to me so I sat next to her to speak with her (this was 20 minutes before the ceremony), I was promptly removed by his eldest son and showed to near enough the back of the seating.

We then went out for photos, I was left standing alone, whilst they all played happy families, then my partner and his ex were called down for the photos to be taken, I was left standing there, if it was not for my partner coming back for me 15 minutes later, I would have not been in the photos - he knew before he went down I was really upset.

The final straw came when we went in for the meal - the little witch had separated me and my partner and I was on another table, put with my back to the bride and groom, I was so mad by this time, I treated it with the contempt it deserved and kept my back to them whilst they did the speeches.

I am in need of some advice here, I am about to crack and feel this may split me and my partner up. If we do stay together, I have decided to stay away from family gatherings - he told me last night that it would then not work with us - I am sick and tired of playing second fiddle to his grown up kids and sick of them always being around us - what do I do?

Thank you for replying, I am totally destroyed. But you know what, you are right, I could so easily play into her hands and she will win, I will distance myself, like you say by making excuses not to be somewhere and having to go out when the skids come around to the house. However, as for all the parties I used to do for them and taking them to Florida on holiday - that stops right now and I can easily avoid family birthdays by saying I am doing something with my horse or pretending to be ill x

Yes I agree, I have to disengage, we had another huge fight again Sunday night, I have now hurt my partner with what I said about his brat of a daughter, but to be fair, enough is enough, I really do not know if we can survive this, I now hate her with every bone in my body. I hope I can cool down to protect my relationship, she is probably having a great time on holiday having a laugh about me.

I think I will have her father there when I talk to her and I will box clever, just a few questions asked correctly should show her for what she is - a scheming little cow! It is so difficult as my partner invites his kids round at every opportunity, I am sick and tired of this, they invite themselves on holiday with us, I am not even asked or consulted, just told they are coming, they always cause arguments when they come, they will do something to annoy their father - he then takes his rage out on me! If I refuse to do something - like having a party, go on holiday etc, he rants at me, he has thrown things at me on one occasion on holiday because he had a go and I retired to the bedroom. We were planning to move to Florida, I think I just need to keep my cool, slowly disengage and wait it out then I can completely distance myself from them all. The problem will then come when they want to visit - I will just have to disengage and make out I have to be somewhere or be doing something.

His bitch of a daughter constantly reminds me the home where I live with my partner is 'her dad's house', brings her daughter round and completely takes over the house and yes of course - he enables it, I feel a stranger in the home when the skids and their partners turn up, they sprawl themselves over all the sofas and he wonders why I go upstairs out the way, simple, I have nowhere to sit but on the floor. They also take over the remote control, youngest son and my partner's mother watch football constantly with my partner - he sees nothing wrong with this, he said my mother can watch whatever she wants, so bloody sick of this situation.

I arranged to cook a meal at Easter for his mum, his aunt my sister and partner - the full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, on the Friday night, he invited all his kids, friends and told me I was cooking for 18 people - I was livid and upset, he said I was not allowed to do it in 3 sittings that he wanted it dished up all at the same time, please answer me a question here - am I being bullied by him - I think I know the answer!

Sorry for going on, but by writing on this forum, I think I am starting to realise, I have allowed him to push me around for years, put me behind his kids, even now his new son in law - just so bloody sick of it and I know I should have stood up to him sooner instead of letting him walk all over me :sick:

my advice is dont put a nickel into the wedding. let the parent pay for all of the wedding and costs.

stand back and watch the wedding couple make fools of themselfs. my sd came into the reception hall waving her bridal bouquet like she just won the marathon. she laughed her head off during the ceremony as the groom gave her the ring. the priest was visibly disgusted but politely said nothing during the dinner.

i can see in this marriage that the groom fell for it and it wont be long before the bride shows her true colours. she has already been means to the grooms mother.

if so puts lots of money into the wedding, let him pay for it all. if the couple divorces as fifty percent of them do, you wont be the one owing money.