Is it bad that I'm GLAD that she hates me?
Hello, Guys and Gals! It's been a while since I've posted anything about SD (21). The last time I was here, some of you told me to set boundaries with hubby and his precious baby girl, and BOY HOWDY, did I ever set some boundaries! I don't interfere with her relationship with her father in any way. He may spend any amount of time with her or money on her (we have separate accounts) that he wishes, and I make other plans. She is no longer allowed in my home, but he is welcome to visit with her at her apartment or wherever. I no longer concern myself with buying birthday, Christmas, Valentine's presents for her. She is a stranger to me, and I don't buy presents or give money to strangers. I will listen, if he talks about her to me, for a very limited time before I tell him he has to move on to another subject. I don't offer suggestions on how to handle his problems with her. Most of the time, I am blissfully unaware of her existence. I have rid myself of this burden completely, and I haven't felt this FREE since I met hubby. So, thank you all for the wonderful advice!
This morning, however, at 3:12 AM, I woke to the sound of hubby's cell ringing. It was BM calling to say that he needed to get in touch with SD's boyfriend. They had been to a friend's birthday party with another mutual friend who was being the responsible designated driver. The BF had a couple of drinks and then cut it off. SD, on the other hand, decided to get WASTED. She attempted to walk out into the street in her drunken stupor at Taco Bell and the BF had to tackle her on the side of the road to keep her from being run over. Shortly after that, she had to pee, and pulled off her pants in the moving car, straddled the console in the vehicle while they were travelling down the interstate and tried to pee on the console of the car. The driver pulled the car over at the first available opportunity, and she jumped out of the car while it was still moving and got the heel of her high heeled shoe run over by the tire. Somewhere in the midst of all of this, she began raging at BF and proceeded to claw him up like a wild cat. BF realized that he couldn't handle her, and that is when he reached out to BM to get dear old dad to come to the rescue.
3 hours later, after getting her calmed down and in the bed, hubby returned. Now let's not forget that SD is a master manipulator. In this 3 hour time span, she has blamed her behavior on the death of her grandmother (granny died 3 years ago and the twit wouldn't even go visit the woman as she lay on her deathbed), his relationship with me has negatively impacted her relationship with her daddy (we've been together for 9 years and she's only been abusive to him), the fact that she is the victim of an unfair and disadvantaged life (she's not the daughter of a billionaire, but she's always had EVERYTHING she needed and MOST of what she WANTED), everybody hates her (if that's true, that's nobody's fault but her own), and she's going to kill herself (We've heard this about a million times.). He said that for at least 10 minutes, while she lay on the bathroom tile at the foot of the toilet, all she would say was, "I HATE SM!". ME? She hates me? I have never been so flattered in my life!
So, am I just a total BIOTCH for letting this make me feel as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine? I think part of what makes me so happy is that I'm actually proud of myself for setting and successfully maintaining the boundaries that I designed and for not allowing her to manipulate my life like she does with everyone else around her. She hates me, but I rarely even know that she exists!
Mine hate me too, welcome to
Mine hate me too, welcome to the club and thank goodness...I do hate it for their father...dadeeeeee, but I guess for my own sanity it was definitely meant to be. The last wife left my husband because they were equally as horrible to her too and he was also a doormat, so at least I have found peace doing exactly as the OP has described. I never knew with hatred could so much peacefulness emerge.
So true, advice.only, when
So true, advice.only, when they think you are no longer emotionally invested in the game, I believe they do turn--because they have nobody else to mistreat but dadeeeeeeee.
I blame nobody, but dadeeeeeee... but for us, the game is over; it is so peaceful knowing this too...
Hell no! I'm the same way
Hell no! I'm the same way with Princess SD! She hates my freaking guts and I'm cool with it! Congratulations and let DH kno he created that monster better learn to be a parent and quit being her friend!
She hates your guts - and you
She hates your guts - and you don't even give her enough thought or time to hate her back. She's just a nothing to you. Sort of like if there is somebody in Antarctica that hates your guts. Who cares? Totally irrelevant.
EXACTLY! Thank you for
EXACTLY! Thank you for finding the sentiment that I couldn't.
If you read here, as I do,
If you read here, as I do, you know this is a normal pattern, when SD41 realizes you really don't care one minute more.
I love the fact that my SD56 hates me. She even wrote me a two page email, telling me everything was my fault for the past 36 years and how much she hates me and wants me to leave her Dadeeee.....and move out and move on, so DH will be their whole family again. I DID NOT respond, just had a good laugh, because I knew she had a major melt down. }:)
It's all a pattern that fits like a glove. It's fun to watch; that's why I go thru a good deal of popcorn and big gulps.
(No subject)
WTH - your husband got up 3am
WTH - your husband got up 3am to assist his princess? I would simply tell him, why? You could've told BM - SD is an adult and responsible for her own actions, now stop calling me I've got nothing to say to you anymore...
I will nail his ass to the wall, why is he jumping when BM demands.... no one called him, not SD and not her BF, they called BM, who was to lazy to do anything and then called your DH and he jumps like a flea... oh hell no...
for the rest of being disengaged, not a problem.... but I still can't get over the fact that DH jumped for BM...
maybe I'm seing this wrong so early in the morning... but dang
Roger that, Acratopotes.
Roger that, Acratopotes. There would be open warfare in my house over something like that.
(Sorry. Needing a laugh, I just watched Airplane for the umpteenth time.)
believe me if SO jumps to
believe me if SO jumps to collect his princess he will not be able to come back into the house - he can sleep in his effing car or with BM... I will lock him out
I agree; I was thinking why
I agree; I was thinking why did BM call your DH? Why didn't she take care of it herself?
I guess she did.
You are doing great sticking to your boundaries; I love reading this post, because it reminds me that it has been worth my boundaries and disengagement. It is a text book example of my disengagement and boundaries.
GOOD FOR YOU!
What a badge of honor to be
What a badge of honor to be hated so much merely for existing.
That piece of trash has handed you a golden ticket to make your disengagement permanent. There's no way your DH can misinterpret such hostility or expect you to put up with it. Your repulsive SD did you a huge solid, and it's too bad she didn't get arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. She humiliated herself, with your name on her lips. Priceless!
Tommar, this may shock you
Tommar, this may shock you but 90% of the worlds population has not urinated on a car console.
hummm Mon just threw some
hummm Mon just threw some african sarcasm at you cow
In my opinion the "I hate SM"
In my opinion the "I hate SM" statement is meant to make dh feel guilty. Manipulative words used in hopes dadeee will get rid of the source of her pain(the hated sm).
^^Yup, and the fact that DH
^^Yup, and the fact that DH felt the need to repeat it to OP is his own passive aggressive way of trying to punish OP for poor widdle princesses pain.
You are so right and DH will
You are so right and DH will use passive aggressive to let sm know kids hate her (and that is some how sm's fault) and also to try and convince sm that skids love her (and that is supposed to somehow shows skids wonderful character).
My dh has 3 adult children. 2 are estranged from him and I feel like I am in the middle of a passive aggressive game between how osd actually treats me (politely crappy) and my dh trying to prove osd's love for me.
My dh shared a conversation he had with osd. He feels guilty because he has not seen or talked to two of his adult kids for years. (1 for 3 years and the other for around 8 ). My dh tells me he told osd that perhaps he should have never remarried and osd's reply was "Oh no dad, we (meaning her, her dh & kids) love jam".
I was very hurt & angry about the comment & told him he should have told osd that he should have never married her mother. DH tells me he could never say that as it would hurt osd.
Guess it just comes more natural to throw sm under the bus.
Yep, that is correctamundo.
Yep, that is correctamundo.
Dh tells me not to take it personal as it would not have mattered who he married. See, I am blamed for two of his kids not talking to him. Doesn't matter that their bm has been married 3 times since my dh & I married. They still have a relationship with their bm.
My dh & I had a fight about him telling osd that maybe he should have never remarried. He told me he wished he had never told me and I shouted back that I knew exactly why he told me. So that he could sing osd's praises of her love for me.
Anyway, just saying that many of these dh's play their stupid games to try and convince sm that skids love her or that sm is to blame for skids hate for her.
And that is exactly why I
And that is exactly why I eventually told DH not to share ANYTHING skids had to say about me. During the new WTF years of SMing I would engage in long conversations about how the ss's "felt" about me, what all ss30 had to say about me, his feelings about our marriage, how ss felt I hated him, how DH thought I hated ss and on and on. I then engaged in butt kissing when I would see them next, hoping this would prove to them and DH that I really did like them. It was constant drama for a few years, then my father passed, all hell broke loose in my family and I sought therapy.
Now I refuse to even entertain repetitions of negative conversations about me. I don't play THEIR game anymore. When I feel myself getting sucked back into it I will physically remove myself from any of their presence.
Not cool of DH jam. Sorry you were thrown under the bus so DH could make skids feel better
It is the best when your DH
It is the best when your DH finally sees that the behavior of the Skid really had NOTHING to do with you and they were just an ass regardless.
You pulled away and took yourself out of the equation and yet SD is still being a bratty entitled ass.
I also agree that it would totally infuriate me to have my DH get out of bed at 3 am to go rescue a nutjob skid. However, I wouldn't say a word about it.
It's kind of like dealing with an addict...they won't get help until they hit rock bottom. So basically your DH (like many of ours) will not
fully see what a nutcase their kid is until they alone have to deal with them.
I did this with my OSS and MSS. I totally disengaged. Refused to have anything to do for or with them. I let DH handle it all. As soon as I took myself
out of the equation, they started their manipulative bullshit on DH. He finally got so tired of it he stopped caring if they came over. He didn't want to deal with what I had been dealing with for 3 years. He misses them, wants a relationship with them, but is not going to force it or put up with their crappy behavior.
It's a work in progress but he has made huge strides.
Hopefully the same will happen with your DH..He will get so tired of dealing with the drama he will set up his own boundaries.
congrats, MH and welcome to
congrats, MH and welcome to the club!!!! i have to say, you're lucky she doesnt live with you full time.
kaos has said many times how he hates me. he's even said it to my face. aaaaaand.....? he can hate me all he wants, i still ain't goin' anywhere. i just simply dont interact w/ him unless he starts it off nicely, OR if it's something that affects me directly (or my possessions or $$). so dh has had the 'pleasure' of taking the brunt of his attitude and is totally eyes-open to his rudeness, selfishness and hatefulness, while i excuse myself to the back deck. aaahhhh peace.
He must be so proud of his
He must be so proud of his daughter.
I'm pretty sure I'm not my SD25's favorite person in the world, but she would never say out loud, in front of her dad, that she hates me.
So, the boyfriend couldn't handle drunk SD, called BM and BM didn't want to deal with it, either? So, she calls your DH in the middle of the night. Perfect.
BM over here knows that unless SD is dying, she is NOT to call. She wanted no part of co-parenting when SD was growing up, she raised her to be co-dependent, she can deal with it whatever comes up.
You all have made my day
You all have made my day reading these comments. I have laughed and laughed over Tommar's comment about peeing on the console. And Monchichi, I would probably bet that the percentage of people who have NOT peed on the car console is probably a little higher than 90%...98% maybe?
Like so many of the step parents on this forum, I started out thinking that having a step daughter would be great. Sort of like a grandparent, I would get to have all the fun and none of the responsibility! I had no idea that no matter what I did, she would never accept me or appreciate me, let alone love me, and that I would eventually be forced to reject her in an effort to retain my self respect and sanity.
Thank you so much for not judging me for disengaging from this girl, and for suggesting that I do so in the first place. It has brought peace to my life.
Congratulations!! SD is so
Congratulations!! SD is so angry at you that you may never have to be graced by her presence for a long time. You should be SOOO ashamed of yourself for getting SD pukie drunk and causing her to pee on the console!!! Have to say your SD takes the cake. What does DH think of her peeing on the console? And what does he think of her blaming you? Did he tell you about his response to her?
I'm hoping my SD feels that way about me too. If you have any suggestions to keep it that way please let me know.
His response came as a bit of
His response came as a bit of a surprise to me. He is very disappointed in the way that she acted. He had a very stern talk with her while she lay on the floor in front of the toilet. He correctly predicted that she was going to wind up losing everyone important in her life. I think that really hit home today when her BF and her friend who was driving both called and told her that they won't be around her if she's drinking, and the BF said that he would leave her if she continues to drink and act out like that.
I hate to ask too many questions because I don't want hubby to get the impression that I care. It has taken a long time to get to the point that I can get him to quit talking to me about every single thing she does, but I did have to ask what he said to her when she spent so much time repeatedly saying that she hated me, and he said that he told her, "You don't hate her. You hate yourself." I actually thought that was an incredibly appropriate response.
"I hate to ask too many
"I hate to ask too many questions because I don't want hubby to get the impression that I care." Ya, I know what you mean. Glad to hear your DH was not only appropriate but truthful. It sounds as if she is using you as a scapegoat rather than engaging in much needed counseling and introspection - your DH is at least trying to point the way.
My SD has personal problems which cause her to continually go through relatives, friends and jobs. But my DH hasn't been as brave as yours. Sad.
Stay disengaged and enjoy the
Stay disengaged and enjoy the circus. Let your DH know you don't appreciate "in the middle of the night" calls, texts, whatever.
I don't understand why they have to test your boundaries now and then. SD and DH do the same with me and then I have to reestablish the boundaries and it causes drama, that SD loves. I just glare at them and remind DH that he is just pushing his luck.
I am not going to fight with them; I pick my own battles. I don't let them pick my battles.
You're doing very well. Hang in there!