I think there is a possibility that things can work out. I say this because I like to think in a positive light but when things are beyond repair, well there is no amount of therapy that can fix that. I can imagine how it must feel for your H to be in the middle and for his daughter to "out" you that way but honestly would you want to be included in all her functions whether they are a wedding, baby shower, birthday, ect?? I know I wouldn't.

Your H can have a relationship with her, it doesn't have to include you. I just wouldn't allow her to step foot in my home, especially after the disrespect she displayed in front of you, H, your kids, and mom. She doesn't respect you, so why be around that negative energy and allow that in your life. There has to be some boundaries discussed with your H, agree/compromise, and put something in place. You have to think of your well being and mental health. Don't compromise that for anyone, regardless of what anyone thinks, you come 1st.

you can pretty much count on it ramping up after they come along. 

A grandbaby can be a powerful weapon in the hands of a manipulative skid, but a lot depends on how much support your SD gets in her war against you. If her BM is closely involved, it makes things so much worse for you. If there are other family members (especially females) who egg her on, that's bad, too.

As for her softening towards you and wising up with time, that requires empathy, self reflection, and humility; traits many coddled skids lack.

The good news is it sounds as if your DH is a no nonsense type who's pretty loyal to you. As long as he doesn't think this baby is the second coming of Christ, there's hope that he'll maintain strong boundaries with his daughter. It's great that you've already decided as a couple not to help an ungrateful adult (how I wish we had not), and are communicating about the problem. The ball is currently in your DH's court, so just focus on maintaining a peaceful, loving home and good vibes. It may seem trite, but being that calm safe harbor provides quite a contrast to the demands and machinations of these spoilt skids, and men care a great deal about their own comfort.

Don't don't don't go overboard about the baby when it comes. Don't buy spendy gifts, and keep all responses calm and measured. The women in my DH's family freak out over every baby, no matter how unfortunate the circumstances surrounding it, and it really fosters a culture of entitlement. If becoming a mother is to be an character building event, your SD has to feel the pain and consequences of it.

To see grandkid   She is not changing, she will be even worst then before.  It the baby is sick ect.  She will be controlling everything.  Stay away, let DH see her.  Make sure she doesn’t get constant money out of you two.  This is the hill to died on 

Well, on my past experience of having adult Sd and adult SS's trying to ruin our holidays, break us up, and playing their exclusion games of DH is invited but not Disrestep, I found they are more hateful than before. 

When DH, like yours, finally said to each of them their disrespect of his marriage, wife and toward him needs to stop, it didn't help. You think they would want their parent to be happy with someone, but no way! We thought they would at least apologize to my DH for how hateful they were to him in regard to his life, and our marriage. Oh No, not the selfish skids who believe the world needs to revolve around them and DH should leave Disrestep at home whenever they have a wedding, baby, baby showers, parties, and the like. 

My Dh told them he won't be there if his wife is not invited. Yes, they have invited me to a couple of things, just a couple, but only when the rest of DH's family is going to be there, and it would make them look bad if they didn't invite me, as they know DH would not go if they played exclusion. 

I would remind my DH of the promise we made to each other you mentioned. It sounds like your SD is already excluding you at future events regarding the birth. Will it get better? Who knows? Each person is different. I can tell you that having children, getting married and settling down did not help my adult skids become better people in regard to how they treat me and my DH. They now expect my DH to drop whatever he is doing and run to see them whenever there is a gskid event. They send DH gskid pictures all the time and use the gskids as pawn for their mean games. They wished me off the planet, so that is what they got and it works out perfect for me. 

Just be careful, as leopards do not usually change their spots. I can never believe or trust any of the adult skids or their spouses, as they have been so nasty to me. I encourage my DH to see them, but he says he doesn't want to as he doesn't like how negative they are about his marriage and knows they only contact him now when they want him to buy something for a gskid or do something with the gskids without Disrestep.

You're so right. The Brady Bunch blended families don't show up on this forum. They have no need to. My sister's husband passed away when my niece was 24 years old. A couple of months after his death, my sister met a wonderful man, and 3 months after that, they were married. My niece has been the perfect step-daughter to him, and he loves and adores her and her kids. They are a success story. Then, there are the rest of us. 

My husbands daughter is hateful to EVERYONE (especially me, but she's hateful to her parents as well). I am completely disengaged, and she is no longer allowed in our home. DH and I have talked about his future grandchildren, and have agreed that I have no problem with him spending time with the child or with his daughter, but he won't be doing it in our home. He can go to her house to visit or babysit. There's no need for me to be invited or included in anything like the birth, the visitation, the birthday parties, because in my little world his daughter doesn't exist so her offspring won't exist either. 

I know how infuriating it can be dealing with a man who won't stand up for his wife. I left my DH for a while because of this. My only word of advice is that you shouldn't make him choose between you and his child. The child will win every time. Give him his freedom, but make it clear that you want no involvement. Disengagement can sometimes be a lonely road when the DH is off having a fabulous time without you, but try to keep in mind how happy you will be not being drug through the mud and the drama.

I have a very happy outcome. I will never see or speak to my SS again.  If DH dies before I do I doubt if I would even tell him.  Works for me.   He just lives a few miles from us.

Christmas about 4 years ago I told DH that SS33 (now) and his GF could not come for Christmas.  DH pouted for a couple of days but got over it.  I'd never met the GF at that time, but SS is a total loser/user who abuses drugs and alcohol.  Every girl I had met was a druggie skank.  No thank you for them joining Christmas activities.

A year later the GF gets knocked up.  A boy is born.  I was never included in anything - not a shower, not come meet the baby, etc.  which I was perfectly okay with.  They did seem to be living a cleaned up life so I started letting them stop by.  She kept wanting me to hold the baby.  I guess she thought I would bond with him and buy him lots of stuff.

That didn't work out.  After some horrible actions on their part they are no longer in my life at all.  They are blocked on FB and my phone.  My DH is free to see them as he wishes.  I've just told him to keep them away from me.  I refuse to let them use the baby as a pawn.

A few months ago the GF got pissed at DH because he wouldn't make me let them use my vacation  home (that I bought years before I even met DH). She told him he couldn't see the baby anymore.   I don't know much about that because I have zero to do with any of them.  The child is now 2 1/2.  My DH sees him on occasion, but I honestly don't know what kind of a relationship they do or do not have.

But the key is that my DH does not blame me or put any pressure on me to accept the unacceptable.  He did ask if I could try to accept SS when we first got together.  And I did try.  But he's just too much of a loser/user to have in my life at all.

I guess it all depends on whether you have a reasonable husband or not.

My OSD is in her 40's, has a husband and children, and she still acts the same way you describe your SD. She is very jealous that her daddy has had a new woman for the last 15 years because prior to me she was the chosen one.

Over the years she got worse, not better, I think out of frustration she had not successfully run me off.

You and your DH have to have firm boundaries or your SD will use the grandchild as a pawn and your SD will turn into mine...you have to do everything her way or you will be punished.

Good outcomes are absolutely possible. 

However, there are several critical success factors for a good outcome.

1. The spouses must be equity life  partners who put the marriage and each other as the priority above all else.  PERIOD!

2. As equity  life partners the spouses are also equity parents to any kids in the picture regardless of kid parental biology.

3. There must be standards of reasonable behavior that are established and enforced in the home/blended family. 

4. There must be consistent and escalating age appropriate consequences for any violations of those standards.

5. If one partner does not like how the other parents or disciplines they must step up and get it done before the other one has to do it. If they refuse to step up then they MUST bite their tongue, have the back of the one who will get it done, only discuss it in private and NEVER in front of the kids, Xs, extended family, etc......

6. Kids are the top marital responsibility but never take priority over the spouse/marriage. EVER!  Regardless of kid biology.

7. Adult kids are held to the same standard as any other adult and if they are offensive assholes, they get a proverbial broken nose..... or if  they step over THE line... a literal broken nose.

8. Lather

9. Rinse

10. Repeat

Without these critical success factors in place .... the risk is high that it will all go down in flames.

You and DH need to have a long talk about this and know exactly where each other stand.

You and she have nothing to work out. You have no obligation to SD or her child, you can be his wife and not her stepmother. You certainly do not have to be Grandma. You don’t have to go to any parties, or buy anything or even acknowledge her or the child. 

He can and should have a relationship with his daughter and her child. What that looks like is up to him. That’s what you need to discuss. How much money will he spend on her, how much of his time will he give her, where will he visit with her? What choices will he make if she wants to see him when the two of you already have plans? How will he handle her demands that he leave you to tend to her? How much money is he willing to spend on her and the child? Where will that money come from? Write it ALL down, make sure you both understand each other. Know that he’s going to spend money on her and that sometimes she’ll come before you. 

He can have a relationship with her and never discuss you or your marriage.

My Moms skids (I don’t even refer to them as stepsiblings) don’t have a relationship with her. When the granddaughters were small she tried very hard to maintain a relationship. The adult SDs were horrible to her so she disengaged. My stepdad saw his daughters and grandkids once a year, maybe. When it was all up to him and them nothing happened. 

One of the granddaughters had a baby and she reached out to my Mom. They now have a wonderful relationship. They see her and the great granddaughter 4-5 times a year (they live about 2 hours away). They get pictures and emailed updates regularly. The other granddaughter stayed with them for 3 months while she house hunted. My mom still has no relationship with one of the SDs but is cordial to her when they see her (this SD is Gma to the great granddaughter). 

Things can change but not without rules and boundaries being set. Why change when you are getting what you want?

Yes, sometimes skids do change.

I have a friend who admits he put his SM though hell when he was younger. His dad had taken up with the "other woman." They eventually married and have been happily married now for many years.

When my friend holds big parties, it used to be his dad and SM or his mom who were invited. Recently, all three have been at his parties and it's been fine. They all came around over many years. They party in different rooms, but they're all under one roof, which is amazing to see.

When I was having so many SD problems, my friend and I talked and he admitted how awful he was to his SM, who is a gentle, submissive type who never had kids. He told me he feels awful about how he treated SM. I give him a pass because that relationship started as an affair and what kid could get over that easily?

But these are very specific personality types. Not all of we SMs would take all the crap from a skid that my friend's SM did. And not all skids have the capacity to "evolve," question their own behavior, take responsibility for their actions.

My friend is a very gentle man and an only child. I think he's seen his SM deal with his father's boisterous "me first" behavior and he could feel empathy for SM. I think his SM also helped bring around his father who was adamantly opposed to my friend being gay.

But it takes a really evolved person to change their position, give credit where it's due, and apply things they've learned in their own lives to the lives of others. Most people aren't this evolved. They get entrenched in their own pain and hurt and can't see past it to move their position.

NachoQueen, I’m not an expert, but I don't think things will change.  I’m worried that if they do it will be bad.  When the baby is born, she will exclude you and your husband will have a very hard time giving you your place while wanting to be in his daughter’s life and the new baby.  I've read several things about relationships between step mothers and step daughters to see if I can find something that might help my own personal situation.   All I’ve been able to find is that step daughters tend to get very jealous of the step mother because they feel like we are an obstacle that prevents them from getting everything they want from their father.  She was about 16 when you married your husband, right?  If that is the case I fear that she may have had him all to himself for ever and she may never accept you because of that. 

I’ll share my story to see if it helps you and or to see if anyone has some helpful tips for me.  I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 21.  We were both very young and stupid.  I moved in with him when I was 19 and he was 22.  He was divorced and had a 1 year old daughter.  His marriage only lasted a few months.  We got engaged, moved in together and got married 2 years later.  We now have 2 sons together (14 and 9).  I had my first son when I was 24 and my second son when I was 29.  But before my son’s I spent a lot of time with my SD April.  Even though my husband and his x had 50/50 custody, SD was with most of the time (Mondays, Wednesdays, Friday, Saturday and Sunday every week) Needless to say I got to spend a lot of time with her.  I did everything with and for her, fed her, washed her clothes, bathed her, changed her diapers, bought her clothes, and treated her as if she was mine.  She was very spoiled and I never liked that, but could never get my husband to change his ways in that regard.  He was the typical dad who felt guilty for not providing an ideal family life situation for her daughter and as most parents in such situations, he spoiled his daughter and let her do whatever she wanted all the time.   

This didn’t stop me from getting along with her and having a good relationship.  SD has always called me by my name which I’m fine with.   SD has always had a problem with authority and respecting the rules.  When she turned 12, she started smoking pot, ditching school and had Fs all through Middle School and all through high school.  I do not know how she graduated as we used to get calls from the school all the time from the principal telling us that she would not be able to graduate due to her grades and poor attendance, but she managed to graduate.  Anyways when she turned 12 and started with the pot, and the bad grades and the ditching, she stopped wanting to come to our house.  She only wanted to be at her mom’s because there were basically no rules there to follow.  As she got older, we could not force her to come over so we started to distance ourselves.  Her relationship with her dad is bad and they barely talk.  She only calls him when she needs something ($$$) She never talks to me and makes it a point to exclude me from all of her stuff.  SD moved in with her boyfriend a year ago and is now pregnant.  SD just turned 21 in April and still very immature.  Can’t manage to stay in the same job for more than 6 months, has crashed her cars 3 times and lost her license.  The last time she came to hour house in late February she came because she wants our help ($$$) to buy a house in Colorado.  Not sure if you are familiar with the housing market in Colorado, but houses here are $UPER Expen$ive.   I have gone through different phases from being angry to being sad to not caring anymore.  I’m at a point where I don’t’ want to have anything to do with her.  I don’t’ want to see her, be near her and I resent her a lot, but don’t expect anything from her.  It is true that I raised her since she was 1, but I did that because I wanted to, not because it was my responsibility or because she asked, therefore I don’t’ expect her gratitude, however I did expect some affection from her in return, but I realize that I can’t even expect that as all I am to her is her dad’s wife and an obstacle that prevents her from getting everything she wants from her dad.  

Before SD got pregnant, she was planning on getting married in November and was planning the wedding, dress, etc., but excluded me from all of that.  Then the wedding was cancelled because she got pregnant and the baby is due in October.  She even calls my husband to ask him about the names of the Mexican grocery stores where “I “ do the grocery shopping for food and that really bothers me.  I’m the one that doe she shopping, not him, yet she is calling him to ask about my stuff, because god forbid she calls me directly.  I get that she is my step daughter and I guess I’m not supposed to expect anything from her, but I did raise her since she was 1, but that didn’t make any difference. 

I have told my husband that I’m worried her new situation will bring a lot of problems between us because he will want to see her and I don’t.  He will want to be in the kid’s life and I don’t want to.  I don’t want to get involved because I know I will get attached and SD will not like that she will likely not let me see the kid so I refuse to get attached to another child who is not mine or related to me.   I hate myself for saying this, but this is truly the way I feel.  I have told my husband that I hate the fact that we will not e able to share the moment.  He will be excited about the new grand kid and I won’t.  He will happy about it and I will not share that feeling.   He tells me that he understands, but in the end he has a soft spot for his daughter and I wonder how things will be when the baby is born. 

Cut DH loose in regards to his daughter. Let them have their little love fest and don't demand anything except for your own peace of mind in your home.  sd doesn't want you to see the baby, great! More time to watch Netflix while DH is off visiting.  SD doesn't want to appologize or be respectful, oh poo, Guess you'll have to visit her at her home DH.  

You will have to draw boundaries around your joint finances but other than that let do his thing.  It's exhausting trying to control everything and in the end these men will go behind your back anyway to pacify their adult children.  

I enjoy your sense of humor, first of all :)  I just wanted to chime in and say, I was a stepkid.  My 2nd stepmother has been in My life since i was 12.  I was not a combative kid or teenager I was more emotional.  She doesn't have kids of her own and comes across very dominant.  I have never felt close to her, even though she went through the motions of being a loving stepmother, I always had the feeling it was conditional (which proved to be true, more than once). I can now say after being a stepmother to a girl that I have found a better perspective from her side of things.  I do have a little more understanding, and I think we could have bonded over that if she hadn't cornered my husband at work last year to tell him what a horrific and awful person I was.....because I postponed hosting Christmas dinner until the week after Christmas.  I have since decided she really is nuts and I don't need that in my life.  I can empathize from afar.  lol   But hopefully having a child will start to soften your SDs edges, and some day if she finds herself in our role may be some understanding will break.  Here is hoping anyway

NachoQueen, if his whole family supports you, including his ex (!!!!), I wouldn't avoid her at family functions. Go and hold your head up high and know someone has your back. I don't think it's worth the risk of looking as bad as she does when you know others support you. If she behaves badly, it will just prove what they already think.

Honestly, if just one person had my back in my husband's family, if just one of them had ever told me if wasn't me, I think that would have meant so much. You don't want to squander by losing touch with his family.

I don't think I'd waste time attending when it's just your husband and her. You don't need the agitation. But as long as she tolerable at family functions, I'd show up just to show the rest of them you're better than she is.

Is it possible to divide your finances?  My DH and I have separate bank accounts but we contribute an equal amount into a joint fund to be used for our living expenses only.  Whatever he gives to SD comes out of his pocket.  I refuse to give money to people who treat me badly or I don't like.

Make sure your DH is also putting money away for retirement.  For years DH placed money into SD's bank account instead of saving up for retirement.  Now, if something drastic came up I don't know if he would have the funds to take care of it.  Be careful.