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This is not what I imagined when he proposed....

NachoQueen's picture

My husbands vile daughter... SD23, had a baby last year. She's a mess. No education, no husband, no job, lives with hubby's ex. DH is a reasonable man and he drew the line with her, created safe boundaries for me, did the right thing when she tried her shit for 8 years....  but now it seems since the baby was born, the fear/guilt has been increased. He was willing to stand up to her before, even though it meant a huge rift, no speaking for months,etc. but now he doesn't want to lose acess to his grandchild so he is back to accepting a one-sided relationship that consists of her crumbs and her drama.

I saw a therapist while she was preggo to help me deal and  he called her a "Disruptor".... which fit her to a tee. She only ever acts up when the stakes are high, when we have company over or plans, my daughter's wedding, a $15k family vacation where all bios and steps were together, every Christmas., every holiday. you name it, anything I look forward to, she likes to ruin with her drama. I wasn't raised in a Jerry Springer household so this is so hard for me.

I am afraid to bring up Christmas this year to my husband. My kids travel from 3 states away and deserve a nice Christmas with their mom. But I never imagined a marriage where I ask my husband if his daughter and new grandson can disappear on Christmas. It seems so wrong.  I would lose it if he asked me the same. He looks forward to Christmas with his grandson but she only comes to create her drama and "win".  

We can't do separate because both our kids see their other parent's family on Christmas Eve and Christmas day is all we have. It is just so unfair. Why do my kids have to suffer and why am I expected to put up with it?

Why can't she just be happy that her dad has a life and is happy?

Blue Moon's picture

What if your DH went to see her by himself on Christmas day? You wouldn't be with him, but you would have peace on Christmas day with your kids.

NachoQueen's picture

She lives with his Ex wife. I'd be the bad-guy by creating this divide and blaming her for something she hasn't yet done. I seriously fantasize about getting out of this.

Siemprematahari's picture

You and your kids shouldn't have to suffer because of your disruptive SD. If it were me it depends on how badly I wanted this (SD not to come with her son) and I'd tell H how I felt. Its not about fairness but about this being abuse. Every time she comes its drama and I can't see myself living life on eggshells every time she comes over because she doesn't know how to behave. I'd have a serious talk with H. I can't see myself sacrificing anymore days or holidays with someone like her.

Something has to give and it shouldn't be you.

NachoQueen's picture

But there is a secret part of me that wants her to ruin just one more Christmas so I can totally be done with her and lay down the law.

CANYOUHELP's picture

In due time she will likely up the ante and your DH may see a twinkle of light, at least bright enough to give you some space/ peace away from her or else  he realizes the marriage is over (if she goes far enough). For example, maybe she will go as far as mine did to insult you directly personally and publically, especially in your own home, (while he corrects nothing); let him know you are keeping documentation, if it exists.   You can almost be assured she will continue with her fun and games with increasing intensity, if never corrected by daddeee.  They all do.

Eventually you will get the peace you are asking for, one way or another.

Seems a pattern exists here on ST, the new wives kids accept and treat the new SD like family.  The kids of the man, on the other hand;  do just the opposite and spend most of their time making certain the SM knows she is not accepted, nor is the marriage.  There have been a few exceptions here, but that is pretty much the pattern I am reading.  Even research supports this pattern on ST, so it is all the same with adult females, at least 80% of the time.

Rags's picture

So go for the win..... SPRAY BOTTLE AND AIR  HORN!!!!

When she pulls her shit at Christmas spray her in the face with a spray bottle and blast her with an air horn. 

I am only partially kidding.

Bare her ass, confront her each and every time she pulls her crap and do it brutally and in front of everyone.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She will either change her behavior or stay the hell away.  Either way... YOU WIN!

Sadly... this baby already lost the parent lottery and there isn't much that you or DH can do about it.  Catering to the toxic OOWL breeder waste of skin POS SD does this kid no favors.  Setting boundaries and holding her to standards of behavior is the best thing you can to for the family, the toxic breeder and the baby.

IMHO of course.
Good luck.


2Tired4Drama's picture

laughing at the thought of AIR HORNS being used across the world to drown out skids' BS!

I think you've started a new Stepfamily Holiday Tradition.  We'll call the airhorn blast maneuver:  "Giving Them The Rags"  

Changes up the whole idea of Silent Night and Jingle Bells, doesn't it?  LOL


2Tired4Drama's picture

Since your kids travel up to see you, maybe you can find a nice local hotel, BnB, Home for Rent, cabin in the woods/lake, etc. and spend a night or two together there.  This can be your "gift" to your kids.  Tell your DH he (and he alone) is welcome to join up with you when he is done with his spawn.

You can bring a few decorations with you, the gifts, etc. and have a ball.  You'd be surprised at how cheery some hotels/properties can make the holidays.  

While I know having the celebration in your own home is probably what you prefer, I'd rather go somewhere else than deal with drama and upset SD is bound to cause.  

NachoQueen's picture

I absolutely have considered calling her out on her crap with air horns and sirens. Unfortunately, I really beleive that in the long run fighting back like that has a habit of creating "history revisionism", whereby the original cause and effect become blurred and I become the bad guy. It creates just enough distraction from the actual cause and time passes and suddenly its, "remember that christmas when stepmom lost it and went bat shit crazy?"  I have had more luck taking the high road and giving her absolutely NO AMMO so much so that when she complained about me to my husband, he was perplexed  and called her out on her lies because I am never alone with her, don't ask about her, etc. I have the unbeknownst "buddy system" going on so no one can ever exaggerate or lie. It just sucks. I didn't sign up for a life of hatred. 

Rags's picture

This is why you record everything when the toxic SD is around. Every conversation, every phone call ever story related to her.  Save every text, email, FB post, etc, etc, etc....

That way revisionist history is much harder to perpetrate by the toxic StepSpawn.  When she tries it.... bare her ass with her own words and behaviors in front of everyone.  This tends to force the toxic to crawl back under the slime covered rock that they live under at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool.

Most of all.... Have fun baring her idiot ass any time she deviates from standards of reasonable behavior.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, Nacho,

You state that your SD creates drama at your Christmas festivities. What does she do? I'm truly interested.

shamds's picture

Don’t feel guilty and when your husband plays the guilt game sob story crocodile tears, tell him his adult daughters behaviour is unacceptable and she always ruins a great happy gathering and thats not fair on your kids