How to Co-parent when your spouse is not consistant
My SS15 has been a challenging child to raise. "Challenging" is my way of putting it nicely. SS15 is my DH's favorite kid out of all of this children. He's the baby and he's a daddy's boy. Anyway, his behavior has steadily gotten worse. Lying about everything under the son, being sneaky and deceitful, stealing and drinking alcohol, smoking mj, ditching, stealing and has a temper so he can be very disrespectful and destructive. We've drug tested him several times and he always fails. We put him on restriction but then my DH lets him off early without even having to fulfill his punishment.
DH and I traveled to Mexico for a week vacation. I had my mom, sis and a friend of mine all take turns staying at my house with the boys (SS15 and BS14). The kids were never unattended. We come back from a great vacay to discover that both of our cars had been moved and both had empty gas tanks. We never let our tanks go to E. Come to find out after a long day of interrogation and threats, SS took both of our cars out for joyriding with his friends for 3 nights. He snuck out at night when my mom was sleeping and took off with his friends. He let his friends drive our cars because he doesn't know how to drive. My car is my company car. I could get in huge trouble and lose my job, this is my livelihood. Luckily nothing happened except a huge piece of equipment missing from my car which SS wont own up to losing or misplacing or whatever he did with it. So now I have to pay $200 as my deductible since this piece is missing from my car.
I have zero trust in SS. He and I do not even have a relationship or any kind of connection and I've been raising him for 10 years. He hates me and always has. I do not like him either because of his behavior. Its been horrendous the entire time. I used to have terrible anxiety whenever I was around him, it was that bad. I just don't know how to let my guard down and help parent this child. DH just wont follow thru on anything and I'm afraid he wont back me up cuz he rarely does. I can count on one hand how many times he's backed me up when it has come to his kids.
Next year I will be eligible to get another employee lease for my husband. Our boys will be approaching driving age and I will be adding my son as a driver to the cars but I do NOT want to add his son. Sorry I can't trust him and he's done nothing to earn it. I don't know how I'm going to address this with my husband. He will flip out but if he wants to trust his son with a car then he will have to get his own and not take advantage of my employee lease.
I can't wait for this kid to gtfo my house, I hate these problems and I hate the energy he emits. Its so negative and in turn closes me off and I shut down. I don't know how to not let it affect me other than self medication LOL. Anyone have any tips that could be helpful?
Well after that episode his
Well after that episode his behavior got worse and we did send him to live with is good for nothing mother. She didn't enroll him into high school for 7 weeks! she had every excuse in the book. She doesn't work and goes to college part time!!!!!!!!!! She lives off of financial aid and child support. We found out that she totally neglects her son and lets him do whatever he wants. She lets him drink and smoke. CPS is on her now for negligence of her other kid with someone else, so she is about to get both of her kids taken from her. So SS will be back home with us next month. I"M DREADING IT! it was the most peaceful stress free 6 months of my life and now I have to deal with this brat again! I have such anxiety about it. UGHHHHHH
JP you have my deepest
JP you have my deepest sympathies on that one...my DH's spawn thankfully only disgraces us with his nasty ass EOWE but that is one second too long for me, I can't even nor do I ever want to imagine being stuck with a friggin skid FT, I can totally see myself ending my marriage over that, soo not worth it to be 24/7 miserable and have my S12 be wrapped up in it too! I too get/feel anxious and dread the mere thought of his impending invasions. It is such a horrible way to live for us SMs.
I was shitstain free for almost 3 years and then BAM it came back! Now my DH and spawn are in constant phone/text communication and bc of him back in the picture DH and I have had many arguments and near break ups for many reasons all rooting back to SKID!
I am so sorry that this is happening to you, I really am, I wish we ALL could be rid of our skids!
As a consequence for taking
As a consequence for taking your cars out and putting your job at risk, neither SS or DH should ever benefit from your cars again. That leased car is off-limits to SS. This is in addition, to severe lock down that should happen now.
If DH will not get on board, then invite both DH and SS to leave.
Putting your job and assets at risk by joy riding is completely non-negotiable. I sound like Rags, but hell should rain down on this kid and your DH for this.
If I was you, I also would NEVER do anything for that kid again.
I don't even want to talk or
I don't even want to talk or even look at my SS. After he stole my car and jeapordized my livelihood, he had the nerve to stop speaking to me and addressing me, as if im the one that fked up! 4 days went by with no communication. He didn't apologize. I was super disappointed and offended. My hubby assured me his son would apologize. Next thing I know im sitting at an awkward dinner with awkward silence just waiting for my apology. I finished eating and left, DH asked me to come back to the table. SS couldn't even bring himself to utter the words when he was supposed to at dinner (his dad forced him to apologize to me 4 days later). So SS hands me this lame, insincere apology letter, saying he was sorry and didn't know that he was jeopardizing my job by taking my car and that he would wash my car to repay me. So this kid basically spit on my car and rinsed it off. Didn't even clean the inside or the wheels. I told DH he did a crappy job and DH was like, "well he was out there all day washing it" I said, "did you watch him wash it? Did you see him do any work?" "well no" he says. EXACTLY, he was prob outside dickn around cuz my car still looked like ish. Then when his dad told him he had to do it again, the brat throws an epic fit. He's 15 still throwing fits like a 2 yr old. GOD HELP ME! My DH is blind and in denial. U know what, I think that its a great idea to not allow my DH to benefit from my employee lease.
next time, invite SS to leave
next time, invite SS to leave the table. especially if he is not talking to you. I hope to G*d that you were not the one that cooked that dinner?
Until DH gets it, stop cooking for them. Just cook something you like for yourself, eat it with a nice glass of wine in front of your favorite show and let DH and SS fend for themself.
Same goes for laundry, grocery shopping for the 'family", etc. And it goes without saying, DH isn't getting any until he gets it.
If SS was my kid, getting his driver's license is now one year later than planned and he would never be on my insurance.
Actions have consequences. Make the consequences match the actions both for the car crimes and treating you like dirt.
You should not be paying that
You should not be paying that deductible. In fact, in view of this and your other post about your knocked up SD, I think you should seriously reconsider the amount of support you provide for all your skids.
Those kids have two parents, and you aren't either of them. You are making things too easy for your H. I know marriage is a partnership, but second marriages are different, especially financially. If your H (he's now lost the D, IMO) isn't willing to get on the same page with you regarding discipline, then consider disengaging from ALL his kids, separating finances, and only paying for you and your bioson.
I'm getting the sense that your being disrespected by many of your H's people: skids, MIL, BM, and H himself. Is this so?
Yes I feel disrespected by
Yes I feel disrespected by all of DH's family to some extent and on many levels. It's really been a challenging experience to say the least. I understand that none of them are obligated to like however the way they have treated me has been horrendous and my husband has turned a blind eye to it and simply doesn't acknowledge it or see it how I do.
I think your suggestion on not covering any of his kids is a great one. I did it because I am a strong partner but to be honest I'm tired of the disrespect and inconsistency. This year when I re-enroll, I will exclude all of them including my husband so he can just take care of himself and his kid. He only has one minor child left so he can cover him and decide if he wants to cover his other kids.
I would have called the
I would have called the police on SS and his friends. Period.
Yes, I should have done this.
Yes, I should have done this. Never again will I trust this kid. I keep my purse and keys in my room now and lock my door. We lock the beer fridge too. Its a shame that we have to do this in our home but we know now exactly what we are dealing with and we are taking precautions.
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying about leaving my step kid with my family. I never want to subject my family to being responsible for this kid again in my absence. I was naïve to think that my ss was incapable of doing what he did. To be fair, that was the first time he ever did something that bold and dangerous. We had issues with him lying and smoking mj but never did we imagine he would go as far as taking our cars, especially since he doesn't know how to drive. The kid doesn't even have friends so for him to allow some random kids to drive our cars was something that really caught us off guard. That was our bad. I left my keys out for my family so they could have keys to all the doors and cars should they need them for anything. That was a mistake too. I know better now. NEVER AGAIN!
My DH and I always take a vacation without the kids and in the past, his kids would go with their mom while we were gone, but now that BM moved 500 miles away, that isn't possible. We have him full time b/c his mom moved away to attend college, as if she's 19 and can just leave her responsibilities. On the one hand its great that she's gone cuz she sucks and we both hate dealing with her, but on the other hand it sucks because we have SS full time. UGHHHHH..... GRRRRRRR......
Lesson learned.
Time to recalibrate your
Time to recalibrate your marriage. Things are out of balance because you're doing to much for too many and it's too one-sided.
I just ran across this
I just ran across this website today in search of some answers to my situations with my stepson. I am pleasantly pleased to learn that I am not in this by myself. I did not know that there were so many other people going through the same BS with a stepchild as I am. I too have a stepson who is 14 years old and he is a liar, manipulator, deceitful, untrustworthy, destructive, and sneaky. I think of him as the devil's spawn. My husband won custody last year and I am literally ready to file for divorce. I just want peace in my home and this kid brings everything but that. I look for his mom to be consistent with getting him every other weekend, but she is not. Now that school is out and it is summer break, I wish she would get him for the whole summer, but she has kept him for one week and brought him back home. I just don't understand how a biological parent especially a mother avoids her visitation time with her child. I am in prayer every day that this kid is in my home. His father does not enforce any type of discipline and when he does get on him about something, he later pacifies him which is not teaching the kid anything. He allows him to play games and be on the computer for hours and hours at a time. It is annoying as I am working on my doctorate degree and require a lot of time to focus on my dissertation but it is hard when you have a kid in the next room talking loudly to whoever online while playing shoot 'em up bang bang games. I have to be the one to make him get off while my husband hears it but avoids it. I'm not sure if my SS is on drugs or not, but his attitude is getting worse. When he came to live with us and started school he was suspended within five days of school. Then when he was allowed to go back, he got suspended within two weeks, and then suspended again a week after returning to school from that suspension. He does not know how to take no for an answer and will repeatedly ask "why" over and over again, which is why he was suspended on the fifth day of school. He inappropriately touched a female who kept telling him to stop but he didn't so she ended up smacking him and he hit her back and another girl jumped in and fought him. Awh man I can go on and on and on... All I can say is keep praying that your relationship changes with your stepchildren. I think this website is a good source for stepparents to vent, but in reality, the judges who decide in favor of the best interest of the child should really take into consideration of the behavior of these kids and dig deep into who will really be overseeing these children when they move into the home. Nine times out of ten it will be the stepparent. My husband spends more time avoiding his son which makes me have to be the one to deal with him. My husbands idea of spending quality time with his son is playing him a game of basketball on the X-Box. I am really ready to send my stepson away to a boarding school or something. Maybe boot camp so that he can be taught discipline. I raised two boys myself (24 and 27) and they never acted like this kid. This is my husbands only child and he and his mom divorced when he was about 7. I came in the picture when he was 9. But he lived with his mom. My resentment towards this kid started when he first met me and my daughter who was also 9 at the time. The very first meeting with this kid he hit my daughter. My husband - fiancé at that time, did nothing. From then on this kid has knocked my daughters tooth out her mouth, busted her lip, smashed her finger in the door, broke her glasses, hid her cell phone numerous of times to the point where I have had to buy her another one. He has broke her laptop after 10 days of her owning it. All of these things took place and my husband never really corrected him. So I was never fond of my SS. Once me and my husband got married, I never imagined it would boil down to him wanting custody of his son. Although I didn't want him living with us, I still supported my husband. I thought it would be ok especially since he wasn't putting his hands on my daughter anymore. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have never stood behind my husband in getting custody of his son. THIS KID BECAME WORSE!!! He then turned his attention to hurting my 2 year old grandson. Every time my grandson was alone with him in a room, he would come out crying. He would point and say he hit me.... Thank God he was able to say that much! It's a big difference from getting him every other weekend then it is having him live with you full-time. This kid won't bathe, brush his teeth, comb his hair, or anything. His room is the only room in the house that stinks! When he was younger his parents didn't think anything was wrong with him because he was a straight A student. I always felt that most prisoners were smart. The direction I feel he is headed. Anyway, like I said I can go on and on and on.... My only advice is to keep praying for peace. I don't have a solution for my own situation... I often think of divorcing my husband and living in my own place. I love my husband, but I don't want to keep dealing with this everyday. He will be 15 in July and I don't think I have another 3-4 years left in me to keep going through this.
You need to leave. Your SS is
You need to leave. Your SS is violent, and will not magically become a good citizen or move out when he turns eighteen. His mother and father have created this future criminal, and nothing you say or do will change his already formed personality.
You should have left when he started abusing and assaulting your daughter. Get out now, and avoid the years of misery that lie ahead.