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Bm is ruining my dd's life! Jail if she aborts

Dusti's picture

I just can't. I really can't. I am a professional and feel that I am living in a twilight zone with a bunch of trashy ass people! And my dd has become part of the trash!! How did this happen?? Where did I go wrong as a parent and human? I just want to run away but I can't.
Dh and I have been together for 4 yrs and married for 2, living together for 3. He has 50% custody of his son and pays no child support. Bm has never been an issue till now. SS is 14. My dd is 18 and a junior in high school. She was a micro premie and it took yrs or her to meet her milestones, so she started school a yr late. which is why she is 18 and a junior and not a senior. She is a great kid but VERY innocent or she was.

ss is 14 but has had sexual partners. He has been sexually active for at least a year i believe. He is extremely attractive and looks and acts older. Most people think he is 18 or 19. He works out and has wide shoulders and he is very smooth. I have seen him make grown women at church blush when he flirts with them. I can admit to myself and you guys that ss is "hot" (no, I am not attracted to him, just trying to give all sides) and smooth. Women (yes women)and girls LOVE him. Well, he turned his sights on my dd.

My dd has never dated or had a boyfriend. Till SS. I had no clue this was going on till DD told me she was pregnant! Apparently SS seduced her and they had a sexual relationship and dd got pregnant. She KNOWS it was wrong since she is older then him and that his age now makes her a sexual offender. She said she loves him.....I just...... See how we are trash now?? All my hard work and dedication to dd to raise her right and ss and dd just throw it away! We are TRASH!!!! I can't believe this and dh is like??? I believe he himself wants to run away right now!!

So here is where we stand. SS is NOT banned from my home. My dd was old enough to say no and not fall for his bullshit but she didn't. SS isn't allowed over by bm because she says dd raped her son. Statutory rape is rape she says. And she is fu@king RIGHT!! Well dd told ss she was pregnant and he told bm. Bm came over and told DD that if she aborts this baby she will use all the evidence she collected and press charges against her and basically ruin her life and make sure it is all over the news. That she will ruin her. That dd needs to have the baby and put it up for adoption. If dd decides to keep it then bm will fight for custody (she might win if dd gets prosecuted!). She doesn't want her grand baby murdered (her words not mine, I was going to take her for an abortion) nor be raised by a sex offender (my dd). DD doesn't want to have the baby at all. Dh is saying she should do what bm says because bm WILL follow through. He also says if she does but the baby up for adoption bm will keep her word and never speak of it again. He says that bm has always kept her word on things. SS hasn't been here for me to even look at much less speak to about his wishes.

So what the hell am I supposed to do? Having this child will ruin my dd in so many ways. Not having the baby will put her in jail? have her labeled a sex offender? I am so trashy and hate myself right now.

Comments

Dusti's picture

Because of the age difference bm can and will press charges. My dd may have to register as a sex offender for LIFE!! She will at the least be arrested and have a criminal record at the most jail times and have to register as a sex offender. Dh supports me in that she should abort but said bm is an extreme Catholic and will view this as murder. He says he has never known her to go back on her word. He has been extremely supportive of us. He is lost on what to do also. He can't control bm.

Dusti's picture

When there is no baby or if bm thinks she aborted then what if she follows through with her threats and presses charges for statutory rape against DD? If no kid is born bm will figure it out and press charges. I am not worried about what bm thinks of dd for having an abortion I am worried she will follow through and prosecute her. The attorney we spoke to said that bm can and most likely will succeed in having dd prosecuted. He also feels DD would be found guilty.

DaizyDuke's picture

BM has pics and texts... she doesn't need to prove that SD was pregnant, only that there was a sexual relationship.

DaizyDuke's picture

Wow, just wow! In my opinion your DD needs to do what SHE needs to do. I do not agree with abortion, but it's your DD's body. Either way she is scarred by this. So what if your BM says SHE'LL keep quiet, won't press charges etc. Do you really think the 14 year old who thinks he's Rico Suave is going to keep HIS mouth shut? This WILL come out. And how is BM planning to explain away this sudden "addition" to her family?

To be honest, I think your DD really needs to face the consequences of her actions. I promise that if you said SS was 18 and your DD was 14 and they had sex, everyone would be screaming for "justice"

Sorry you are dealing with this... how awful! How in the world did these two "hook up" during the night when they were both at the house??? Gross!

Dusti's picture

Apparently they were having sex at our house, yes. Bm isn't interested in raising the baby. She just doesn't want the abortion to happen or for dd to raise it. She doesn't want ss to raise it either. She wants it to go up for adoption. I can't tell dd to face the consequences because they will affect her life for the next few years if not longer. It could be a life time. I do sort of believe (like 70%) that bm would keep it quiet. She has never been an issue, in fact she was a dream until this. Part of me thinks just do what bm wants and this will go away and the other half says dd needs to abort but I am scared of what happens when bm finds out. Dh says she can be real nasty when she wants to and she is very smart. I believe she would ruin my dd's life.

DaizyDuke's picture

Again, if the roles were reversed and SS was 18 and DD was 14, everyone would be screaming for justice and to nail him to the wall. Seen it said approximately 3,467 times around here. Why is this story any different because the 18 year old is a female?

DaizyDuke's picture

In my opinion.. she should either have the baby and place it for adoption if she does not want to raise him/her
or she should abort and face whatever those consequences are be it with the law, BM whatever.

DaizyDuke's picture

..... and I wanted to add.... BM is NOT ruining your life... you SS and your DD did with their foolish choices.

DaizyDuke's picture

To be honest, I give BM a lot of credit for fighting for the life of this baby, that most in this situation would not want. From what you say, BM is not trying to ruin your life, she is trying to save the life of a baby. Yes, she's going about it in a threatening manner, but I'm quite certain she is stressed about this as well and probably feels very strongly.

Dusti's picture

I understand this also. She is catholic and very religious. To her it is murder. To me it is not. DD having the baby would harm her in so many ways.

Dusti's picture

By forcing dd to have a baby she doesn't want or face the consequences of her actions. Yes. I know. I know. DD ruined her own life but bm is the one holding her accountable right now. I do understand how all this sounds. I do. I should be the one doing it but this is my dd and I want to protect her.

robin333's picture

You are protecting DD by honoring her wishes. This is NOT BM'S call.

I'm not someone that would choose an abortion but I will be dog damned if anyone is going to have any say about my body especially my reproductive organs. Your DD should have control over her body, honor that. How the he!! would BM find out about an abortion? Home pregnancy tests aren't 100% and miscarriages happen.

You're biggest job right now is protecting DD. Forget about image.

Dusti's picture

When I say image I mean her life. This would follow her on back ground checks, limit her job choices (arrested for a sex crime) and she could possible be put on the sex offender registry according to an attorney we spoke with. I'm not worried about what her friends think. I don't care about that at all. I care about what happens when there is no baby and bm decides to follow through. Then what? Everyone is saying in real life to have her put the baby up for adoption and move on. Here, people are saying abort but what happens after when bm realizes there is no baby? She won't believe it was a miscarriage. Then DD will have to face being arrested, court and possibly some jail time. She will have a mug shot and you can believe bm will spread it everywhere. It will stay on her record and will show up on back ground checks! She will have to face it being on the news because bm will take them her story. Her mug shot on the news!

Dusti's picture

I was speaking of close family members and my best friend. I wouldn't tell anyone else.

Dusti's picture

My dd did something that i consider VERY trashy. I'm sorry if that upsets you but I feel like we are trashy right now. Bm has evidence of their relationship through texts and pictures the kids exchanged. It will definitely be easy to prove they had a sexual relationship. The attorney we spoke to said that dd can be charged and would be found guilty due to what was on dd's phone (evidence wise. If it's on hers than ss has the same on his).

SS DID seduce my dd. He turned his charms on her and it worked. She was old enough to know better. This is on her also. More her than him since she KNEW better!

Dusti's picture

It makes me trash also. My dd was not sexually active till now. I have spoken to her about bc and letting me know when she was ready. We have had the talk since she was little. I have preached and preached about safe sex as my dd was the outcome of an early 20's night of drinking fun. DD KNOWS how hard it was for us. She saw me struggle and save every penny for school. She saw me work 2 jobs to get where we are today. My dd was well aware of what could happen. I just never considered it would be with someone underage.

My dd will make the decision whether to have the baby or not but bm's threat is making a difference and she is leaning toward adoption even though she doesn't want to.

Dusti's picture

We have spoken to an attorney and he feels dd would be prosecuted and convicted due to the evidence bm has.

Dusti's picture

I don't know to be honest. Bm has been so easy to deal with before. I expected her to be mad but not like this. She doesn't seem to hold dd accountable for their relationship, she is just hyper focused on the baby and making sure she doesn't abort. She has acknowledged that both were wrong and while dd is older she said she knows how ss is and is working on him. Dh thinks she would keep her word since she is just worried about the baby.

Dusti's picture

Thank you. I will sit with dd tonight and do what you suggested. I have never called her trash. It's just how I am feeling at the moment. That our whole family is trashy. DD isn't trash. I know that. I am just so upset that all my hard work and scrimping and saving and doing without to get here and this is what here is. As much as I want to put all the other parts out, I don't think I can. DD's future depends on what she decides.

robin333's picture

This is DD'S decision. And as soon as medically possible, get her on reliable BC like Depo/IUD that can't be forgotten.

Dusti's picture

We spoke to one. He advised us with the evidence we think bm has that DD can and most likely would be prosecuted and found guilty and may be forced to register as a sex offender. He also said there is nothing to stop bm from going to the news and online and posting pictures of DD and what happened. She could ruin dd's life for a long time if not forever and we can't do anything to stop it. DD has been given all the info and it's up to her now to decide what to do. She can't decide. She doesn't want the baby but she also doesn't want to be humiliated and/or have to go to court and possibly jail. She is terrified she will be labeled a sex offender and put on websites. Terrified!

Dusti's picture

Yes the attorney does. He believes dd would be prosecuted and convicted based on what was on dd's phone alone. There are naked photos she sent. Texts that describe how good the sex was and asking for more..... Completely hard for me to see. I am taking advice and getting a second opinion just in case.

I don't believe bm cares what this does to SS. She is focused on not killing her grandchild (her words not mine) that I doubt she sees any other sides to this.

robin333's picture

OP, get proof that SS was active, threaten BM with exposing that on top of SS being a sister f*cker. CS would not be a factor if DD goes adoption route.

Save every instance where BM is blackmailing your daughter.

Dusti's picture

Dh sees ss. He just doesn't bring him here. He is very disappointed in both of them. Dh is very VERY low key. He is also catholic and feels the baby should be adopted but he also understands that this is a women's choice and he respects that. Bm has ss's phone. He said she put it in her safe. Dh has talked with bm but there isn't anything he can do. He has offered to work a second job to help pay for legal fees for DD if it comes to that.

Dusti's picture

SS is 14, but bm says it started when he was 13 right before his 14th birthday. That she can prove it with their texts. DD swears he was 14 but had gotten a new phone so some of her texts with the dates are gone. Either way he was 14 and she was 18. So there is a 4 yr age difference and can be prosecuted. That is what we were told from the attorney we spoke with. I will be making an appointment today for another attorney just in case you are right! Thank you for the advice!

Dusti's picture

IF and big IF because dd was completely honest when we talked she said he was 14 but she was 18. But bm is saying he was 13 when it started and she has text proof.

Dusti's picture

I am hearing you but yes blind fear also! I am taking your guys advice and not only getting a second opinion but I am calling the court house to confirm he has worked there and asking if they know of an attorney who is there all the time for my 3rd opinion.

Dusti's picture

SS has been active for about a year I believe, he has an ex girlfriend he was active with. DD was 18 when they started and she says SS was 14. I believe her but I am scared she is wrong. I am stressed. I am also taking your advice and making an appointment for a second opinion and I am going to call the local courthouse and see if they have heard of our attorney (someone suggested) and also I am going to call a third firm just to be sure! 3 criminal attorney opinions is my goal for right now. I appropriate everyone's advise. I really thought we had no choice and now I am seeing we might!!

Dusti's picture

Also DD sent ss naked photos of herself through texts. I know! I taught her never to do that but she did anyway! So that is part of the problem.

Dusti's picture

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This shows up when I try to leave a comment to someone? The comment still goes through. What does this mean?

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Didn't read the other responses. Have an abortion IF that is what your dd want and F*&king lie say she had a miscarriage. Yea lying is wrong and it sounds shitty, but you can't argue with mother nature.

moeilijk's picture

But naked pictures are not necessarily porn. They could just be pictures of someone without any clothes on. So to call a naked selfie porn is overstating the case.

And I can't imagine any loving mother counselling their daughter to go through pregnancy and delivery and all that that entails, in order to give away a baby, so that the mom won't be embarrassed.

It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to choose the wrong guy. It's ok to wake up with an unwanted pregnancy (it would be much more ok if it happened to men too, but that's another story).

What's not ok? To make a bad situation worse by avoiding consequences. If the DD wanted to keep the baby, that's a different kettle of fish. But she doesn't. To force her to do so is one of the most deeply shameful and disrespectful things I have ever heard of. As though she is nothing more than a vessel for a baby, and her personhood doesn't matter.

WalkOnBy's picture

tommar - if she has an abortion, she won't be prosecuted. Just because a BM says she's going to do something, doesn't mean she can or will.

And, even though this is legally statutory rape, our society won't press charges when it's the girl who is older than the boy - most of the time....

robin333's picture

Another thought, DNA can not be tested on an unknown (at the time)abortion but can be with an infant.

Fluff's picture

I would seriously suggest that some thought be given to the possible consequences of your dd having a child and giving him/her up for adoption. Think about your child and her having to walk away from her baby - and her baby being given to strangers to raise. I speak as an adoptee - I could not have had an abortion although I firmly believe that it's a woman's right to choose - but giving up child away? I couldn't do it - I can't describe the pain. If she doesn't want the child and wants an abortion - please, please support her. The alternative is potentially a lifetime of pain and torment for your daughter and her child.

GRITSinAL's picture

"I Have never understood this logic. So, because it will be hard for the mother to walk away from the child, it is better to just KILL the child?

I seriously do not get it. I am not even debating the legality or morality of abortion. I just don't understand that logic. "It will be hard on a young girl to walk away from her baby, but not hard for her to live with herself after she kills it?"

You said EXACTLY what I have been thinking since lunch, and i am depressed over this line of thought honestly. I respect that others are entitled to different views, but how the flip is it that the human race has easier time living with terminating a life rather than adoption?

KittyKatMomma's picture

It's simple-don't say ANYTHING
Take DD to get an abortion
Tell BM she had a miscarriage and the pregnancy is no more.

And plz get your DD on birth control.

WokeUpABug's picture

Looking at this from a different angle... Do you have a record of BM threatening to press charges unless your daughter waives her legal right to terminate the pregnancy? Because that sounds like blackmail to me. I would try to get her to take this threat in writing or on your voicemail. Then you can turn around and threaten to press charges against HER.

I also agree with the other posters that say BM can continue to use this against you in the future. That is the danger of giving in to a blackmailer. What keeps them from coming back?

WalkOnBy's picture

children are not prosecuted for underage drinking every day and you know it....

As you well know, just because someone COULD be charged with something, doesn't mean they WILL be charged. I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty that where I work, we wouldn't touch this case with a 10 foot pole. Not worth the time when there are other heinous crimes going on.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

I hope you're not replying because there's no internet at the abortion clinic.

Dusti's picture

I have been in meetings all afternoon and dd had a dr. appointment. I don't even know where to start with everyone's comments. Dd is not delayed. She was as a baby but caught up. I would really like this not to be an abortion debate if that is possible please. I have to head out for the day. I don't think i can comment from home. I will answer all the questions in the morning. Thanks for the support.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Your only viable option is for her to have an abortion, like tomorrow. Then claim she made it all up. That's it.