Should I stay or should I go?
So I am wavering. Can I continue to live this way or should I cut my losses and run.
The issues are many and varied.
SS used to be a sweet little boy, I taught him to read, I made his Mother's Day presents for the BM but when he was 8ish things began to change for me. He was being poisoned by his BM, she is bipolar and physco to say the least.
To skip forward 6 years to the present the child has lied, cheated, stole and accused me of hitting him - which he took 5 years to admit the truth that it actually did not happen. He had ADHD and ODD and on medication there is limited improvement but the lying, cheating and stealing continue.
I have come to hate the SS. I am not sure it is all his fault as lack of discipline by the DH are a major contributing factor.
So this is my defining moment.
SS has once again lied, cheated and stole.
Money was slowly being filtered from my wallet, new headphones bought for my DD (dearest daughter) disappeared and an empty case left in her room. Stupid other items from around the house and more specifically from the personal possessions of myself and DD along with other household items which he used to make a lightbulb vaporizer with the intent to vale marijuana.
SS was caught by me, I searched his room while he was out. He admitted to small items, not to money, not to headphones, said they were his.
DH gave no punishment. Says "I feel conflicted"
Yeah me too!
Do I sell the house, move into a crappy apartment and relieve myself of the stress or cohabitate in a relationship that fulfills no need other than to keep my home, offers a warm body in the night, a caring father to my daughter when SS is not here and another person in the house when I work night shift?
Sounds trivial but there are many other issues, fed up, unsupported, unrespected and generally all round done.
Afraid to move on, not sure there is anything I can do differently.
I would prefer to be happy
I would prefer to be happy alone then in the company of aholes.
Only you know what your
Only you know what your limits are. Some women will accept a ridiculous amount of toxicity in their lives.
I can tell you that based on experience, kids that are broken at 14 don't magically become good citizens at 15 or 17, or even at 30. Your SS is genetically predisposed to be unstable and your H is a crappy parent - that's a losing hand, IMO, so if you want things to change, you'll have to be the change. Have you considered a trial separation? Staying married but living apart? Staying with a friend for a week or so? I think there's a lot of gray area to be explored between remaining in a toxic situation and divorce.
I agree with the others, if
I agree with the others, if you're unhappy, you need to leave. You will be happier alone, the trial separation is a good idea. Also, if BM is unstable, this kid's problems are probably genetic... which means nobody can parent them out of him. He's on his way to becoming like BM.
I was actually happy as a single mom. My house, my stuff, more energy for my kid, less work, less conflict... list goes on and on.
Yeah, I know I need to go.
Yeah, I know I need to go.
My limits run pretty high. I left an abusive relationship of 14 years and that is why I have sole custody, no support from ex, and never married current DH.
We have a cohabitation agreement and will need to sell. He has no money, I certainly could not carry the house on my own, I already live pay check to pay check as it is and work a full time and part time job.
My outlaws pay for my daughters university and she is my major concern. At 18, she is much younger than that in mental age although she has no mental deficits (she is just young). She still suffers night terrors 10 years after leaving my ex(her dad).
DH and SS make me feel sick. i realize I will never come first but wonder if I wait until DD is ready to spread her wings that it might be better, or I could just hope SS decides to live with the BioBitch or not help DH next time he throws a hissy fit and tells SS to leave and hope it sticks....
Is a house worth it at the expense of my own self worth
Yeah, I know I need to go.
Yeah, I know I need to go.
My limits run pretty high. I left an abusive relationship of 14 years and that is why I have sole custody, no support from ex, and never married current DH.
We have a cohabitation agreement and will need to sell. He has no money, I certainly could not carry the house on my own, I already live pay check to pay check as it is and work a full time and part time job.
My outlaws pay for my daughters university and she is my major concern. At 18, she is much younger than that in mental age although she has no mental deficits (she is just young). She still suffers night terrors 10 years after leaving my ex(her dad).
DH and SS make me feel sick. i realize I will never come first but wonder if I wait until DD is ready to spread her wings that it might be better, or I could just hope SS decides to live with the BioBitch or not help DH next time he throws a hissy fit and tells SS to leave and hope it sticks....
Is a house worth it at the expense of my own self worth
Why would living with this SS
Why would living with this SS be easier on your DD? It seems to me, it's a terrible example for her, no?
I suggest a trial separation,
I suggest a trial separation, or go on a long break. Your husband needs to deal with his son ASAP, because the situation is not going to get better or easier. When you and your daughter are gone, your spouse will still see the problems his son is having. He could be very likely to get into harsher drugs -cocaine-crystal meth- heroin who knows, he is already steeling and lying disrespectful, and lying. Send him back to live with BM, or let your spouse deal with him, alone without it effecting you. Your spouse is the father-the parent, he needs to step up and be a father and start by disciplining and not enabling his son to do this crap to people. I would be putting some ultimatums down packing your bags along with your daughters and getting out.
I'm feeling the same way. I'm
I'm feeling the same way. I'm sorry as this is a horrible position, I would never again be in a relationship with someone who has kids. Horrible to say but true. Try to figure out a budget and go from there! Good luck!
In answer to likeminded. The
In answer to likeminded.
The easier aspect for DD is the enjoyable 50% of the time that SS is not there.
She will not be influenced by the skid, if anything she has learned how not to act, and to see how lucky she is - although I wonder if she will ever have a relationship, marriage or kids as she thinks SO is stupid at times.
She has their company when I am not home.
I work 12 shifts at one job both days and nights and DD is afraid to be alone. She keeps the doors double locked, will not turn on lights in case someone knocks at the door and will not shower if no-one is home.
She suffers night terrors quite frequently and during times of stress still climbs into my bed.
She is reluctant to make friends and is pretty distrustful of most people.
She is currently in counselling over the death of a friend to drunk driving and is starting to work through some of her issues.
She deserves more than being left alone overnight while I work, she deserves more than a crapoy one bedroom apartment in a rough part of town.
And if she gets it at the expense of my happiness, it is my heart overruling the truth.
I can see why you are
I can see why you are staying. I'm sorry you're in this position.
It does seem like there should be a better way... you've probably thought about this already, but is there a grandma, aunt or good friend she could stay with while you work at night?
Are you planning on working nights for the next 5 years, or is there a way to change that schedule sooner?
Just some ideas--maybe others have some additional ideas. There are a lot of minds on this board, and I've seen people come up with great ideas when we put our heads together!
i would not say she has PTSD,
i would not say she has PTSD, she does not remember much from her dad, and I do not encourage recollection as she has moved on. She sees her dad a couple of times a year, birthdays and the occasional hockey game or dinner. She will not sleep at his house and rarely spends more than 3 hours with him.
She loves SO, thinks he is a dick head once in a while due to his weak passive roll over for SS and Biobitch or his little temper tantrums but he is harmless and weak in her opinion.
She thinks SS is a stupid shit and screwing up to get attention and to cause me stress for fun.
She is aware I settled to provide her a better life, I urge her to shoot for the moon.
She has a good head on her shoulders and does not suffer bull shit.
She is in counselling as stated through the university after the death of a high school friend to drunk driving last thanksgiving has refused all other help until this point due to mistrust. She twice opened up in counselling at 7 and again at 8 and we were removed from our home as a result, as her dad was considered to have too much access and considered a threat to me. She was never in danger from him just emotionally as a witness.
Not an ideal childhood, but she is the best DD you could ever wish for.