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Do any of you back out of a life with family and friends to hide the dysfunction of your step life?

SimplyB's picture

Not much more to say than my question.

I know I have backed away from all friends and most family to hide the dysfunction of my SS and the multiple issues I have with him.

It is isolating, I feel angry about it, but not sure I could ever explain my life or why I stay that anyone would understand without walking in my shoes.

Does anyone else do the same?

How do you fill the lonely time?

Do you hide the true dysfunction?

How do you stay sane, and not cry from frustration and lost life?

Cover1W's picture

No. But I did exactly that when I was with my emotionally abusive ex-H.

Is it your SS really, or problems with your H?

SecondGeneration's picture

No way in hell, I ended up isolating myself in my first relationship back when I was in my teens. Trying so hard to focus on helping with his issues when it all crumbled away it was tough lesson, but lesson learnt.

Now I am all for having your spouse as your best friend, the best marriages are ones where the couples havent forgotten how to be friends. But I also think it is healthy for both spouses to remain good friends with other people too.

Friends and family are essentially a broader support system, but the person in control of how much information you give them is you. Why do you need to explain your life choices to another person? Someone can ask, you can choose whether or not to answer them. That person can choose to agree/disagree with your choices but your choices are yours and yours alone.

Heck if I was having issues with my SD that had me feeling like that I think Id be more likely to call up friends and say "I need some girl time without talks of home,kids,marriage, etc, lets go enjoy ourselves" and do exactly that.

But I would say have a closer look because if you are finding yourself feeling lonely then this isnt a SS issue, its a husband issue too. Nothing more hurtful than feeling alone in a relationship.

oyvey's picture

My best friend refuses to come over if my SS20 is here. He's rarely here, so no big deal. She just is creeped out by him.

Otherwise, my life is my life. I do my own thing when the SSs are around.

Rags's picture

No, I do not and never have. I/we engage with my family and friends and with my bride’s family and friends. There is not much to hide regarding our blended family situation. I am a confront and destroy kind of guy rather than a hide and ignore kind of guy. This has worked well for us during the 21+ years of our blended family marriage. This includes any crap from the blended family opposition or specific behavior issues from the Skid.

I also refused to hide the dysfunction in my first marriage. My XW and her family were a shiny facade kind of clan and presented the face of blissful happiness and solid relationships particularly around family even though the entire clan was rotten to the core. I was the first in the mix to call bullshit on the facade. There were many instances during our marriage that we would have knock down drag out arguments on several hours long drives to family events and as soon as we parked and got out of the car she would beam smiles, take my arm, and hang all over me all day long. I refused to tolerate that crap after the first couple of instances. At first my heart would swell over her engaging with me but it did not take long to figure out her game. In reasonably short order I quit letting her hang on me seconds after a killer argument anytime someone in her family or friends circle was near.

As it turned out the first IL clan facade collapsed in spades and on many fronts following my departure after the divorce. My XW went on to spawn 3 oowl children by two different men and another two marriages (and counting), XSIL went on to a failed marriage with a child involved, XBIL moved his family far from his parents and sisters and cut off contact, and my XMIL went on to a felony embezzlement conviction, Federal prison, and the entire family with the exception of XBIL went on to a multiple $Million civil judgment against them by XMIL’s former employer.

I would say don’t hide a thing. Put it all out there so that the perpetrators can’t hide and lie their asses off to their family and friends.

Good luck.