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This woman...seriously

omgstop's picture

New to the site...so glad I found it!
So the deal is, I've got three step kids: 2 sds, 1ss, 16, 15 ,9. The younger two go back and forth between their mothers place and ours, the oldest lives with us full time, hasn't spoken to her bm since December, and it was extremely rocky before that - this is due to her name-calling the oldest everything from a, "manipulative little liar" to the C word. She also belittles the younger two with constant comments about their weight.

Problem number one is this: the ex-wife still thinks of my husband as the first person to call if/when she is having a personal crisis,(no involving the kids). They've been divorced for nearly five years now, separated for six. She is CONSTANTLY calling his phone for stuff she can handle on her own with the kids because she needs someone to, "tell her what to do". I really don't think this is something my husband needs to do for her, and he doesn't. However, no matter how many times he ignores her calls, tells her he isn't her friend and isn't interested in hearing from her unless its about the kids, she doesn't get the message. He's even resorted to telling her that unless it's an emergency, she needs to text or email him. She doesn't care, she, "demands to be heard". /eyeroll

Then she accuses him of not wanting to co-parent with her; all we do when the kids are at our place is damage control. All three of them are in therapy, weekly.

She's called me crying, telling me that she still loves my husband, "as a friend"...whether she really means that or not, I'm not the person to say that to. In the same breath she's asked if my husband is treating me nicely, sticking up for me, being communicative and attentive...this woman has no boundaries. She's followed those questions up with her complaints about what a shit husband he was. It stopped after I, gently, let her know that I'm not comfortable with those topics.

Then, of course, she play the part of the victim. ALWAYS. We are cruel and mean; him for not jumping when she calls and me for trying to take her kids away. At the beginning, I had a couple of conversations with her, thinking if we just addressed what was bothering us, things would iron themselves out. Not only did she talk right over me, she told me it would be best for me to stay out of anything related to her kids and herself and my husband. Generally, I would be cool with that, however, since the oldest isn't speaking to her, I'm the stand in mom, hopping into therapy sessions when she needs/wants me there, helping out with her financially, at the expense of seeing my own two biological kids who live out of state. She gets $600 a month for the two that still go back and forth and graciously allowed my husband to keep $150.00 for the nearly 17 y/o that lives with us full time. We've looked into having the child support modified, the cost is just too high, as I'm sure you all know.

I've been trying to work with this woman since I moved here, she just seems to think that I'm a nanny and that my husband is obligated to be her friend because they have kids together. She is delusional, cries when she doesn't get her way and just generally needs/wants my husbands attention still; like she can't just deal with the fact that, yes, she is the mother of his kids, but no, he doesn't like her as a person and has no desire to speak with her outside of the topic of the kids. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm losing my mind with all the shutting up I'm doing.

Any helpful advice or comments are welcome. Questions as well. Maybe I just needed to vent.

ej'scrazy's picture

I can commiserate. I deal with a BM quite like yours for a little longer, but almost the same time frame. She has told DH almost exactly what you have described about the cruel/mean. I am a non-entity in their relationship, until there's something to be paid for. Now we are a two income household and should be able to cover all costs and she should have to cover nothing.

She viewed me as the 'free babysitter' at first. Now, however, that she is mad at me, I'm the scapegoat for all of the problems. If the kids are sick--I didn't do x, y, and z for them that I should have known to do. If I discipline and she doesn't like it, how dare "your wife" think she can tell my kids what to do. If I refuse to help, it is my "obligation" as their stepmother to help them (or her) out. If I do something she wanted to do, how dare I take that away from her.

I'm here to listen, should you need it over the next few years, it's probably going to be a rocky road.

omgstop's picture

Thanks so much...it's gonna be a long ride for sure. The craziest part is that she's a therapist; I know everyone has issues but holy cow, some of the stuff she says is psych 101. Thanks again, it really does mean a lot to have someone that relates!

Howtohandle85's picture

Exactly! I don't understand why our husbands even bother responding, communicating, and/or talking. If they completely ignored them unless for the use of exchanging/well being of their child, it would stop. Why is it so hard for them to do that? "Because it's their child's mother?"... who cares! They treat you like crap so stop talking to them just as you would any other negative person in your life. Why is it so much easier for us women to shut out men in our lives than our sig others? Sad I don't get it.

oneoffour's picture

Yeah, emotional problems... So who is she telling that you are bad people? That you don't co-parent? Dr Laura? Rush Limbaugh? Hilary Clinton? Her friends? Your neighbours?

Basically, step back and think seriously for a minute... does it really matter what other people think? So she complains about your lack of co-parenting/ involvement/ being her understudy/ caring/ sharing/ propping her up with 'atta girl's. Who really gives a cats arse what she says or thinks?

Just realise she has emotional problems and she won't change because, well, she gets all the attentions she can get by calling all the time and annoying you two. And she knows you talk about her craziness. So it ups the ante for the next call.

Just tell her "I am not discussing this with you. Goodbye." and do not answer the calls again. And likr another poster said... screen and delete accordingly and move on.

omgstop's picture

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone, I appreciate the advice and believe me when I tell you I DO intend on showing this thread to dh asap. Like I said to the first poster, it really does mean a lot to me to have found a place where people have either been where I am or are going through the same thing. Thanks again, I'll be poking around the site and hanging out between rounds of Hearthstone for the evening, Have a great night everyone Smile

misSTEP's picture

We had a BM who has mental problems. She was very verbally abusive (and physically to my DH when they were together) and everything was about her and money.

The best thing we ever did was tell the judge who put in a No Contact order into the CO. It forced her to communicate primarily through the mail. We paid for a third party neutral location to shuttle the skids back and forth so we didn't even see her for long periods of time. It was heavenly.

The unintended consequence of this, I believe, was that she took to taking him to court yearly. Looking back, I think it was just so she could continue to be relevant in his life. I say this because whether or not she got what she wanted (mostly not), she would get a tongue lashing by the judge every single time.

ct0010a's picture

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation, almost near the end as the kids are almost grown as far as having to deal with her. I've put up with a lot of things I think my DH should have stood up to again to stop the reward of her getting the reaction/attention etc. It took many years to realize that he was right that the more he stood up to her, the more she would harass us and then I eventually realized the less I said to him about how to handle his ex, the more irritated and better he became on his own with her and the greater love he felt for me being nothing like her and not telling him how to handle his ex business. Everyone has a different situation but for me, shutting up paid off with more love and respect from him. She makes his life bad enough and I'd only make it worse by bringing her up to him and vent to my friends instead and became the vacation from her that he desperately needed. I more than beyond understand that feeling of losing your mind, it still happens... but then she gets what she wants. Don't let her stand in-between your relationship by letting her make you react in a way to make you look like the bad/needy/emotional one. It's transferance, taking her negative emotions and trying to give them to you.

BTW I nearly spit out my drink when you said she was a therapist.

omgstop's picture

Thanks for that! I really have put a lot of thought into my situation since I started hanging around here...and for me, saying less absolutely accomplishes more. I just posted about her stupid request to change their parenting/visitation agreement. It was kind of a huge deal because dh stood up to her without my assistance, and it felt really good! Not that he wasn't prior capable of doing so, I didn't really give him the chance. I don't vent about her anymore because I've found that disengaging and little to no contact with her is SO beneficial to my personal sanity and my relationship. Dh was married to her, not me so she isn't my issue. Those two can deal with their kids, I'm gonna hang out with my dog and game tyvm.

Also yeah, the therapist thing...fucking KILLS me still...lol Biggrin
Sometimes I wish she knew what a joke she is.

kathc's picture

Both of you need to stop answering your phones when she calls. IN fact, you should block her from yours so she can't even call you. She can call your DH's phone and leave a message. When he checks the message if it's about the kids and needs a response, he can respond. If not, delete and ignore. STOP ENGAGING with her, even if it's to repeatedly tell her to stop, you're still giving her attention. STOP.