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How much crying is normal for a teen?

Drac0's picture

Ladies, help me out here. When you were a teen, and were somewhat interested in a boy in your class. Would you give him the time of day if he cried regularly?

I’m trying to get SS to come to grips with the reality of his age. He’s 13 years old! I mean, it is okay to cry if something truly tragic and upsetting happens,…But unless something tragic befalls this teenage boy once a week, every week, I seriously don’t think this is normal.

This morning, SS had a meltdown because he ran out of hot water in the shower. This happens from time to time. It can’t be helped (especially since SS takes long half-hour showers). DW and myself do our best to conserve the hot water in the morning and having the water turn cold can be annoying, but the way SS was acting; you would think our dog died.

Last week, SS was crying over his Halloween costume. The week before that, he had a meltdown over some issue regarding his homework. Every week there is *something* that bursts the dam and the waterworks start.

At first DW would hug him and console him. But now, even she is fed up. She yells “Why are you crying!?” and then tells him to cut it out and that he is crying over nothing. This is a big change for DW. Ever since she started working full-time, she has been less and less tolerant of SS’s antics

But what gets me is this girl (Vicky) that SS is dating. Surely Vicky must have seen this side of him by now? Or maybe SS slips into another personality altogether when he is with her? I dunno.

At that age, I may have cried…oh….maybe once or twice. I hated crying because it would always give me a headache.

Comments

Willow2010's picture

I have to ask...has he always cried a lot or just at this age?

I swear...when my big manly son turned 13 ish he started crying at the drop of a hat. Lasted for about 6 months, maybe a little longer. It was so weird. And frustrating for all of us.

I have heard it is normal for them to do that at this age. But it may not be normal if SS has ALWAYS done this...

Drac0's picture

Willow, when I first met SS (when he was 6), he would cry practically EVERY SINGLE DAY! Usually, when it was time to go to bed. Telling him "Okay Ss, it is time to go to bed" would get the exact same reaction as saying" Okay, SS! Stand still while I saw your arm off!".

Drac0's picture

SS has a quite a few friends at school (plus a girlfriend to boot!) so I don't think fitting in is the problem. The problem (the way I see it) is that he is still trying to get the "What's wrong baby!? Come here and let Mamma hug you!" reaction from his mother.

Tuff Noogies's picture

this is perfect!

(side note- it is also textbook behavior therapy for adhd. which may be a good thing for ss)

Drac0's picture

Tuff Noogies wrote exactly what I wanted to write. It's a great idea. Thanks for it.

I am just wondering if there is something else we should be doing. Like maybe telling him (in a nice way) that he is too old to be acting like a baby.

Tuff Noogies's picture

ummm... JMHO, i wouldnt, but if you're dead set on some sort of verbal "grow the hell up" statement, you might slip in "as u get older, you're going to have to learn how to handle frustration." then maybe continue into the cause-effect regarding the actual behavior.

like with the shower. "yes ss, if you take too long, it gets cold. as u get older, u need to learn to deal with it. so, you can run it out until it gets cold, or maybe set yourself a timer. your choice, ok?" then either ignore him if there's a meltdown, or address constant improvement.

sometimes too much talking does more harm than good, as they tune out and u just get p.o'd more....

but they ALWAYS see our actions/behavior.

again, just my humble opinion!!

ctnmom's picture

THIS!!!^^^^^ My DD21 is a Cancer, she would periodically plotz over something stupid growing up, and I would say something to this affect. Or, remind her of how blessed she is that her worst problem is the dog got out and we have to chase her around the neighborhood. She still gets touchy when she has PMS, but hey, who doesn't? Smile SOOOOOOOO glad I went through early menopause!

amber3902's picture

No, it's not normal for a 13 year old boy to cry IF his parents have toughened him up and stopped him from crying when he was younger.

My eldest daughter used to cry a lot at little things. But she has anxiety issues, (gets it from me and my mom). Even so, she stopped crying when she was 10. She's 15 now and every once in a while she might tear up, but she doesn't have a full melt down unless she's really stressed.

Now your DW is stressed out from work and doesn't have the patience and time to coddle him like she used to. Now she's getting fed up, a little too late. Your DW is trying to shut the barn door after the horse got loose, I'm afraid.

The only thing that is going to work is for your DW to be hard on him. Fat chance of that happening, though.

herewegoagain's picture

"Toughened him up"? Are you kidding? Oh my...So boys need to be "toughened up" and girls are "just sentimental or have anxiety issues"? Ridiculous and sexist to say the least.

amber3902's picture

Gender has nothing to do with it. Draco's SS doesn't have anxiety. My daughter does. She was diagnosed by a medical professional. And even with her anxiety issues, my daughter wasn't crying when she was 13 years old like Draco's SS is.

Willow2010's picture

"Okay Ss, it is time to go to bed" would get the exact same reaction as saying" Okay, SS! Stand still while I saw your arm off!".
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL!!

Ok..now that is a bit off. His age is not going to help his crying though right now due to hormones. Not sure what you can do except to tell him how babyish it looks.

herewegoagain's picture

You need to take him to a developmental pediatrician to evaluate him. I do NOT think this is normal and I do believe that he probably has some type of developmental delay or other issue. Treating him badly because of it will only make things worse. I understand that we all run out of patience, but believe me that this is NOT something he is doing because he wants to...he can't help it and I can assure you that more than likely someone WILL find he has some type of undiagnosed autism, asperger's, OCD or similar. Please get him help soon. Many of these kids seem "pretty normal" prior to middle school provided they can talk fluently...but once they enter middle school the difference starts being huge. Please get him some help and a diagnosis...this is NOT normal.

amber3902's picture

I actually agree with Herewego on this.

Draco, at 13 years old this is not normal. Just think back to when you were 13 and how many of your friends burst into tears over every little thing?

You should have him evaluated. If he has something going on, you need to know so he can get help.

You mentioned he has ADHD, but I believe you said he doesn't take medication for it? Maybe it's time to consider meds.

Drac0's picture

>Just think back to when you were 13 and how many of your friends burst into tears over every little thing?<

Different times Amber. I remember once asking the teacher what the date was and the girl next to me said "Are you retarded?" and the WHOLE class, including the teacher, burst out laughing

SS asked the teacher last year if "Are we were Saturday today?" The teacher answered "No SS, we are Wednesday." No one else said anything - like that is a totally normal question to ask!

Suffice to say, that NO ONE in my school ever cried. Any sign of weakness, and that would be like slitting your wrist in the shark tank.

amber3902's picture

Yeah, different times indeed.

But Draco, you mentioned before that your SS asked the teacher that question "Are we were Saturday today?"

You know, my D15 used to say things like this. I thought it was due to her being a late talker, but doctors have told me she has some executive functioning problems, which can be a part of ADHD.

You mentioned SS has ADHD, what kind of help does he get for it?

Drac0's picture

Right now, we have pretty much exhausted all "non-medical" help. Last year, he was on an IEP at school but that is being phased out. Apart from that, we have eliminated all distractions. We've limited his TV-watching/ video game time. We make sure he follows a routine every day. We also have him enrolled in karate classes which has been a big help. As I said, when our radar is on him, SS stays on track. When SS goes to school or to his father, it is very easy for him to get off track and we have to set him straight again.

Drac0's picture

I seriously don't think it's autism (I used to work with autistic children/teens). My diagnosis would be that his maturity has been stunted by DW's coddling. Like amber said, DW simply doesn't have the time nor the patience to put up with it anymore and it's throwing SS for a loop. SS does see a child therapist on a semi-regular basis and while it does help SS; DW sits in on the session and she often gives her "take" on things (i.e. "blaming SS's Dad") which to me is only one piece of the puzzle of what is wrong here.

amber3902's picture

Well, you can make a better guess at what's going on than people on the internet who haven't spent any time at all with your SS.

It may very well be that it's just a case of stunted maturity by mom's constant coddling. But NOW what do you do?

Drac0's picture

That's why I come here! A lot of your advice has given me food for thought. I just need to talk it over with DW.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Right, this is when my teen cries, when something doesn't go his way on the football field.

Unfreakingreal's picture

My BS15 cries when he is angry and frustrated. However, he has to be REALLY angry and REALLY frustrated to cry. I think if DW continues to tell him to cut out the waterworks and she doesn't sit there and console him, he'll cut it out.
It is more than likely him looking for the sympathy card.

Willow2010's picture

herewegoagain....I totally agree with your first post and totally disagree with your second. lol

tryingmom's picture

SS13 (almost 14) cries ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! For everything. He is a drama queen! Frustrated, cry. Angry, cry. Tired, cry. Not getting his way, cry. The cat looks at him the wrong way, cry.

I do not buy into the notion of it's hormones, it's attention seeking, over indulged bullshit parenting by MOTY.

Drac0's picture

Have you tried talking to him about it? Because that is very similar to my situation. I am hoping to get some ideas on how to talk to him about it.

tryingmom's picture

Oh, I forgot that one, talk to him about his over emotional response to EVERYTHING, cry.

I've given up on talking about it with him, DH tries to deal with it but cannot understand the emotions taking him over. We really do believe that MOTY encourages him to be so emotional. All of his drama is from his BM, she admits that. DH told her that she needs to find a way to help him control this side of himself. He does it at school and wonders why everyone makes fun of him.

ctnmom's picture

I'm a girl and I never cry. My oldest Perfectson24, takes after me. Never, ever cried- maybe once a year. And he's a sensitive, hipster type! Skinniecutie(DIL), on the other hand according to DS24, "finds something to cry about every day" lol! My girls do cry on occasion, but not excessively. Draco, maybe like OP's dad, threaten to tape him and play it for Vicki? He really shouldn't be busting out in tears everyday at his age.

Drac0's picture

Interesting, but I seriously don't think so. I mean, SS is a rather tall kid. He towers over most people his age, and according to DW, his Dad used to be a bully in high school so SS *could* bully others kids if he wanted to, but that is just not his nature. I don't recall SS ever being mean to anyone. All the teachers we speak to say he is very mindful/courteous to other students

Bojangles's picture

My SS definitely had the behaviour you describe and his tendency to degenerate into tears of frustration whenever his father or i had a problem with him increased from 12/13 onwards. SS was smart and mostly fairly well behaved, apart from being extremely lazy and inept in practical matters, but he was incredibly stubborn and hated being bested in an argument so any time he got into a confrontation he couldn't win he would suffer an overwhelming sense of injustice, burst into tears and leave the room.

Since he was smarter than most of his peers I suspect he didnt have the kind of interaction with them that would provoke that reaction. Ultimately he dealt with his disagreements with me by refusing to see me again. He is apparently planning on being a barrister, lets hope he won't be bursting into tears in court because he can't win the case, or sulking outside the courthouse and refusing to go inside because the judge was mean.

Jmom's picture

Draco when you mentioned in a post last week about this kid crying the way he does it struck me as odd. I have BS13 and he is way to cool for that crap. I was a single mom until he turned 11. . .before that I actually moved closer to my dad (his grandpa) so my dad could help me with some of the guy stuff. While I love my son to no end I could not be raising a momma's boy. My dad is an ex cop. He's a loving man but he always wanted a son and ended up with 3 girls so when my BS came along he was in heaven. He finally got that boy he had been waiting on (I even named my son after him).

I'm saying this to say that I do think it's the babying from DW and now that she has a fulltime job he's grasping at all straws to get her full attention again. Not to mention you and DW have your bios now and he has to share his mother now. These are not excuses and if he were in my family someone would have turned around and given him the WTH look a long time ago and told him how stupid (and yes we would have said stupid) he looks. Oh and the girlfriend doesn't have a clue. I'd ask him what he thought she would think if she witnessed him having a middle school meltdown. GEEZ he's almost in high school . . . .good GOD!

THIS KID DOESN'T NEED COUNSELING HE NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL. It's time to start embarrassing him!

Jmom's picture

This kid would never make it in my family. We are a loving bunch but we don't put up with this kind of crap. My 6 year old niece would not hesitate to look over and ask . .. "so what's wrong with you now???" She has done this to SD13 because she acts mad all the time and really doesn't want to be bothered. It's too funny . . .we just walk around and ignore her crap and I think Draco and DW need to start walking around this kid like he's not even standing there crying. He's too old for this SHIT!

Starla's picture

Apologies if someone else already mentioned this, I didn't read the replies above. Did you say your SS has ADHD? Asking bc I have seen some people who have it and the ones who easily cry are the ones who weren't taught how to cope or manage their emotions. At a young age, their parents {one or both} are soft on them and rewarding the bad behavior though they didn't realize it at the time. Its not just kids with ADHD either but the ones who have it seem to be worse if they were allowed to manipulate their parents IMO.

I'd guess that your SS puts on a different face in front of this girl.

Drac0's picture

Thanks luckymomme. I can only hope to contribute as much words of wisdom to this site that this site has given me.
I actually spoke to DW over the weekend about the issue of SS crying too much. She seems to believe that it is okay for SS to cry, even over little things, because it proves that SS is comfortable around us... :? ...At least, that is what the child therapist told her. She also thinks I am exagerrating when I said that SS cries once a week. Oh well....

Drac0's picture

I have a feeling that SS's child therapist said something to the effect of "SS is crying because he knows he won't get reprimanded for it in your home" but DW took it as meaning that "he is more comfortable in your home". DW does have a nasty habit of cherry picking what the therapist said, twisting it and using it to validate her position. Unfortunately, Donkeykong does the exact same thing (actually he's REALLY BAD at it). I've seen this time and time again. Therapists, teachers and councillors say one thing but the bio-parent hears something else.