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Sneaky BM- Not so sneaky

RisingtheWave80's picture

So DH spent some time in the last week to address the issue that "the courts decided to send SD to regular school without including him in the discussion" Of course we knew we would find out more and I am sure even more will unfold over the next week or so. So, he responded to the email chain that was all interested parties including BM. He kept it to the point, stressing the need for this school for his daughter, stating there has been parental alienation on the part of BM so he is not made aware and as SD's father he expects that he will be included in each discussion moving forward. Nothing that would make him seem irrational or acting on emotion. 

Fast forward two days, he gets a series of text from SD to the line of "Please don't contact the therapy school, it won't help. I have been dealing with my emotions and anxiety all summer while you were off vacationing (INSERT EYE ROLL SHE REFUSED TO BE IN OUR HOME, and WAYYYYY before that she said she was not interested in going on any of our planned trips, mostly camping because that is what we can afford right now) and that now that the courts are involved he cares but he couldn't be bothered any other time to just ask how she is (ANOTHER EYE ROLL, he messages her often, calls her often but she doesn't respond) then she makes a comment on the alienation and that she just doesn't want to see him, talk to him, or be in his life"  It was longer than what I can remember but this was the general idea of what she said. 

I know my DH, all of this is unwarranted and there is no ground to stand on. He told her back in May as long as she can obey the rules of the home, do what she is supposed to do etc she is always welcome in our home. But as any unruly teenager would do, she took the path of least resistance to stay with her mom. He has been involved in every single thing up until the mystery court date which he was purposely left out of. There was an email that  was added to by the Special Ed Coord at the school that showed BM had SD's new therapist (maybe seen her 6-8 times) write a letter saying she would be good to go at the standard high school, which the 10 page psych evaluation she just had stated the complete opposite and was performed by a doctor not just a licensed social worker. It appears the decision hasn't been made yet per the emails that they would take the therapist letter into consideration but they now also have the fathers thoughts they need to consider. So this court date was NOT set by the town but by BM which we thought may have been the case. 

Then my MIL left him know the other day that BM said she had to travel for business and if she could bring SD to an appointment, this means BM is leaving her home overnight (which we thought might be happening but we will never get an answer unless we hire a private detective. But my MIL went to go pick her up and she refused to leave the house for over an hour before MIL gave up and went home. So I would LOVE to know how this therapist who sees that SD is refusing to go to school, appointments and puts all of her family through shit has IMPROVED. I think BM has finally found a therapist she can manipulate after firing 5-6 others. 

Today I worry about DH, it's SD's 14th birthday and he is taking it very hard that this is the first time ever that he doesn’t get to celebrate her b-day with her. My MIL already stated after the crap that SD pulled on Christmas (She more or less told her grandmother not to bother getting her gifts anymore unless she asks what she wants because she didn’t like what she got her) that she wouldn't be doing anything for her b-day, she would send her a text. This kid won't be happy until she destroys everyone around her, she is 100% her mother. Honestly both of them can go to hell for all I care but my heart breaks for DH. He is not perfect, but he is a good man, he has a big heart and he just wants his daughter to be a good person. DH won't bow out like they would want him to, I think BM is trying to push him hard so they can both blame him for all of SD's problems and try to prove he is some monster they want him to be. Must be so exhausting to play the victim all the time. 

tog redux's picture

This is all textbook parental alienation.  My SS was alienated completely starting at age 15. Like your situation, it had been brewing and finally there was a tipping point where SS started refusing to come over entirely. Any effort DH made to stay in his life or participate in his education was met with nasty texts from SS to stay out of his life and that he was happy and wanted nothing to do with DH.  DH tried to talk to the school about parental alienation, but since there is so little understanding of PA, the schools just believed BM's version of reality.  Obviously this was the hardest period for DH. I urged him to let go and stop trying to participate in all of this stuff, since he was only met with resistance from everyone including the schools.

I have been through this and I know how hard it is to watch your DH suffer. But the best thing he can do is step back, stop trying to insert himself in everything, understand that he is not a bad father, just a victim of parental alienation, and take care of himself.  Keep sending SD neutral and loving texts and emails.  My DH used to periodically just send "Hi SS, hope summer is going well, Love Dad" type texts.  At first they were met with nastiness, but then just silence. He kept them up anyway, for 3 years.  But during that time, he took care of himself and he began to thrive. Yes, he missed SS and worried about him, but the drama and stress were reduced by 80%.  And he never stopped trying to keep the door open for SS.

All you can do is be his support. And it helps, a lot.

Harry's picture

DD hometown court and actually see what going on. In stead on sitting on his rear getting text and emails.  

You do not want SD with you full time so you can not control what happing  with who dhe is living with.   You can not control anything from your chair .  He has to gontonDD hometown to Re for himself 

justmakingthebest's picture

It wasn't that long ago that SS14 told DH that he was done with him because DH had gotten access to his medical portal. 

Alienation is so disgusting and when it gets to this point where you (and I) are at, there is no win. We know there is no coming back. BM was told in court to behave just 3 weeks ago and has already violated the judges orders at least that many times. 

We have given up the fight for SS. We are only going for the contempt payments and making sure she can't continue to get alimony and making sure CS is actually calculated by her real income, not this 100% financial responsibility on DH bullshit. SS has become a financial transaction just like BM has always viewed him, I hope she is happy about that.

Your DH isn't there yet, it is the hardest conclusion to come to. I am so sorry that you and he are being forced to even consider it.

Rags's picture

Some people are unworthy of trust and they must be constantly confronted.  This includes PASing opposition parents and sadly, the PAS'd spawn victims of those toxic parents.

PAS victims need to have their noses rubbed in the mirror of facts and the truth constantly in order to have any chance of overcoming the toxic manipulation of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.  The quality parent has to be the one to drive clarity, tolerate nothing less than the full engagement stipulated in the CO, and constantly deliver the facts of the toxic parent to the kid(s).

Parents get access to the med records of minor children. Tough shit to any kid that takes exception to that and the opposition parent that would try to deny visitation and full access to education, medical, etc... records of a child to the other parent should rue the day they ever thought of trying to keep a child from the other parent.

Bring the pain.  If that means bringing the pain to a manipulated child in order to enlighten them on the toxicity of the manipulating/PASing parent... then bring the pain.

IMHO of course.

shamds's picture

meaning hubbys siblings/parents etc are targets of the alienation.

her excuses are all over the place and vague, ones that facts or evidence state are bullshit but its been brainwashed into her that is the truth. There is alot of manipulation in play with pas too. Unfortunately its an uphill battle and you may never get to have a proper relationship with skid and neither will hubby

RisingtheWave80's picture

As I am researching PAS more I see how this is a thing. It started out more slowly and then it went full-on alienation once there was a "reason" no matter what the reason was, it will always be something. DH has been reaching out often even if she doesn't reply, it tried for weeks to get her to agree to some sort of b-day celebartion where he was going to do something with her and then this. Now BM has one more tool in her belt, that being she is caving to SD's want to not go to the special school and DH is pushing for it because it is NEEDED. Now he is the enemy and she will blame him forver if she has to go to the theraputic school. While she has refused to see him, he has not stopped being involved but not BM is doing this crap behind his back.

Rags's picture

IMHO a key success tactic is for DH to keep contact with the Skid front and center. Call her every day. Email her every day. Etc, etc,etc.... Keep a record of it and when she plays a bullshit card he can respond with "That is bullshit and you know it. I have called you and emailed you every day for XXX days and you have not responded at all.  I am your father and you will have to deny me every day for the rest of your life because I will not abandon you."

I had to pull this with my XW during our frigid marriage.  She was not interested in intimacy (within the context of the marriage) so I made damned sure she had to turn me down every single day.  I did not know what else to do.  Finally I engaged a marriage counselor and we worked on the peripheral things impacting intimacy.  After 5mos of therapy together, on the day the therapist said "Now we can address the intimacy issues in the marriage." my XW stood up, announced that she didn't have an issue with sex, and walked out of therapy never to return.   She could seemingly tolerate me initiating intimacy and her rejecting intimacy every day but when someone else brought it up.. she took issue and ran.

Kids don't get to run. At least not until they are adults.  DH needs to have a complete documentation file on everything he has done to maintain contact and deliver on SD's best interests, everything that BM has done to destroy the relationship between SD and DH, and every rejection that SD had perpetrated.  When she is an adult he needs to send her a copy of it all by registered mail with delivery confirmation.  And do it each year with the new crap that BM and SD perpectrate.  SD may never gain clairy but neither should she be allowed to be delusional as to the facts.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Everything is documented, his reponse to her was "While I do not approve of how you talk to me, you are my daughter and I love you" he thinks trying to call bullshit won't help him any but both of us know that SD also thinks her mom is bullshit, she has told us how much her mother lies, how she has called her out on it and the fact that she doesn't think her mother is a good person. I am not sure outside of the being able to do whatever she wants at her mothers why that script has changed but...