Pocket money for teenagers?

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DH has a financial settlement where it was agreed that he pay money direct to BM and then $100 per week to SD from 13 through to 18. At 18 both payments stop. That milestone is coming up in a week's time.

When I came along I was surprised at $100/week to a 14 year old who also was not required to do any tasks. It had affected her behaviour and sense of importance. DH decided to explain to SD14 some basics like that $40/week was hers but she needed to pay for mobile phone, treats, fashion and outings with that and that $60/week gets put aside for a car and/or travel. He also gave her a few basic tasks to do. At 17 he then said that he wanted her to apply for part time work and not take the money for granted. SD has got a part time job with one or two shifts a week now.

All ok.

He asked me should he keep paying an allowance past 18. I was kind of gobsmacked because right now were are low on cash and I have been caught short at the checkout buying groceries recently. I now realise he knows that BM will go psycho about it when it stops and SD(nearly 18) will too. Problem when you give people stuff, they get used to it.

Is anyone aware of 18 year olds living at home getting allowances? Sounds unlikely but hey things have changed since my day. SD has just finished first year uni.

$100/week directly to the

$100/week directly to the child! That is insane as it is! That said, the only time any of my kids would get an "allowance" if they were living at home past 18 it would be because they are in college and I would like them to concentrate on their studies rather than have to work. Even then, I would expect that they keep their grades up, not spend frivolously, and not be out partying, that is for sure.

He works hard and earns well

He works hard and earns well but not insanely well. DH is a generous person and has had humble needs until we met and married and wanted to buy a house and car and all that normal stuff. Over time other people seem to have taken it for granted that he would give them money. He says he regrets his decision to pay the $100/week to his daughter. His logic was that it would then be safe and put aside for a car for her rather than under control of BM. I agree that the downside of this is that it has given SD17 the impression that we are wealthy. In the real sense of that terminology, we are not because we have started again with a mortgage and making payments due to expensive divorces and in his case expensive weekly payments.

Why didn't he just set money

Why didn't he just set money aside himself to help her buy a car, instead of giving the money to a teenager. He really thought she was going to save it?

He needs to put an end to it. Everybody knew it was going to stop at 18, yes? Time to teach his daughter how the real world works. And BM can go psycho all she wants, there's nothing she can do about it.

To agree to give a 13 year old $100.00 a week, on top of the CS to BM, well, that's some guilt right there.

Buying them never works out well in the end.

And unfortunately, that idea

And unfortunately, that idea that DH is well off will never go away with SD! They don't seem to want to understand that there are other bills to pay, or any other kids have needs. This year is my son's senior year...expenses coming up with graduation, senior pictures, college application fees, test retakes trying to get better scores now that more material has been covered in school, etc. Because DH always gave SD whatever she asked for, she doesn't get "no" now! DH was laid off last New Years Eve, and had to take a lower paying job. And, yes, DH is responsible to help with my som's expenses since he adopted him...there is no child support from my ex because rights were fully terminated (but there wasn't any support coming in before the adoption, either). SD14 still goes through money like it grows on trees, and doesn't do any chores around the house! Forget we have tried to explain to her multiple times that we are on a budget!

My son does work. He is paying for his car and lots of other things with his money...my son doesn't ask for anything other than the occasional pair of jeans. SD14 constantly "needs" things (note the quotes because most aren't needs). Tell her no, she annoys the crap out of DH until he gives in. Ugh!

SD17 studies hard and is

SD17 studies hard and is doing well in that sense so I support making sure that her part time work does not impact on that. She does appear to have no motivation to look for further work in the holidays for example. My theory is that need creates the desire to work.

Yes it does not make sense. I

Yes it does not make sense. I do not see why he did not just agree to put the money aside under his control for the purpose of purchasing SD a car. It makes me sad that instead of SD being grateful she talks "Oh I will just have to get whatever car I can afford." No gratefulness to her dad expressed at all. She will be able to afford a lovely 2 year old little car. What a lucky young woman. I seem to be the only one with a perspective on that.

Why does he act so much like a guilty dad? We did not have an affair. He has been a wonderful and attentive father and provided for the best schooling, hobbies, turns up at lots of things and is supportive or his daughter. Why the guilt? I agree it smacks of guilt. Guilt for what? He has 50/50 so not lack of time.

Just guilt in general, for

Just guilt in general, for the divorce, for her not having an "intact" family, blah, blah, blah. Whether he realized it or not, he was probably trying to make up for anything negative BM might tell her about him and he wanted her (his daughter) to like him.

Divorced parents are very worried about their children liking them, which is why they become the friend instead of staying the parent. They try to make up for the kid being a "child of divorce". All this ends up doing, is making life harder for the kid in the long run. The world does not care, and no pass is giving because your parents divorced.

He, he. He's paying alimony

He, he. He's paying alimony to his child. Childmony. Must've been drunk.

He and his ex did the out of

He and his ex did the out of court process where you come to written agreement on child sharing and financial arrangements. He agreed to a certain amount a week with $100 of that paid to his daughter direct and the rest to his ex. The ex's payment are on a sliding scale stopping at 18 and the $100/week is tied in with that time frame and is due to stop at 18.

We have argued over it and also sought advice from counsellor. I agree once the damage is done, even sensible attempts to correct it are hollow. I wish he would admit to himself that he was buying love and then we might all have a chance to move forward at a faster rate. Every step we try to take to force and it is forcing SD17 to become more independent is a massive effort.

I believe his daughter sees one of her "assets" as her ability to show off her daddy's money. It's sad and yes there is a shadow over our household. It feels like there is this long term reliance and dependence that he has created with this and other indulgent parenting.

Wow it feels so good to be honest and write this.

Oh my god I never thought of

Oh my god I never thought of it as Childmony. No wonder SD thinks she is a mini-wife. She is getting alimony. So looking forward to it stopping. For the first time we will at least have the framework of normality. It will never undo the damage though.

At least he's asked for your

At least he's asked for your opinion on this topic. That's more than many SM's get. For that fact, be grateful.

I personally do not agree with paying CS to a child when CS is already being paid to the BM. It creates too much status and entitlement in the developing minds of children. It can and often does, lead to an overinflated sense of self. As far as continuing past the age of majority? I just don't agree with it. Offering a helping hand to a college bound adult child is one thing but, clearly you are already seeing signs of her entitlement issues. These will only get worse as time goes on.

I went rounds with my XH when the CS finally stopped and found out that he was still sending the kidults half of the CS payment 'just because.' Even the marriage counselor thought he was being ridiculous. In the end, I won that battle but, he still found inventive ways of sending them money for whatever. For the record, my xSS will not take a job and to my knowledge is failing miserably in college, and my xSD has never held a job longer than a couple of weeks..... here and there. Lovely little tyrants he's raised :sick: . He must be so damn proud! LMAO.

ps I am scared as hell on

ps I am scared as hell on what the fall out with be when BM stops getting money and SD stops getting free money. Next week!

If you're expecting fall out

If you're expecting fall out then your DH has made his decision? BM knew that CS was to end at 18 so there shouldn't be any drama there. If she freaks about the xtra cash being stopped..... too bad. Not her wallet, KWIM? Is your DH expecting some blow back???

Seriously?? Who gives a

Seriously?? Who gives a flying fuck what they think? What? Did they think the gravy train was gunna run forever? No reason to ever get off their asses to try and earn their own money?

First off, your DH must've had his brain up on Mars somewhere to agree to this - it is probably the MOST ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Giving $100 a week to a teenage girl - for fucks sake!

It needs to stop - immediately. He needs to focus on supporing you and his current household. BM needs to get off her ass and SD will just have to learn how to earn money and be responsible the same way most kids do - by getting out there and working.

Geez - I'm still shakin' my head!!

Yes that was his logic that

Yes that was his logic that it would go toward SD's future and I understand his intention. He has also felt very judged by me and yet still is asking for my advice.

Wednesday I had the sudden thought that maybe SD17 did not know that the $100/week was stopping and he said that she should know. I can see trouble brewing here.

What appears to also be lacking is some clear communication about why it was there and for how long. I think we need to sit down and have that discussion and combine it with discussing an gradually more independent future. Now I need to think how to translate that for DH. He likes logical steps and also SD17 is very structured and like all teenagers will not act on airy fairy ideas. No teenager will say "oh ok so I'll go get a full time job and be respectful of the money you give me overnight." We need steps.

Step 1. Allowance stops. Step

Step 1. Allowance stops.
Step 2. SD gets told that the "free ride" is over and she's gonna have to do what most other kids her age have done - get a job.
Step 3. Fuck what BM thinks.
Step 4. DH and you go out for a romantic meal - drink champagne and relax
Step 5. Everyone learns to deal with it - or not - who gives a shit - its YOUR DH's decision to make. Full stop. Period. Dot.

I Agree with Echo. What

I Agree with Echo. What child is going to learn to work hard for what they want it they've had $100 a week to blow all through the teenage years - even taking out the $60 and giving a kid $40 a week is a lot for no effort.

My dd21 was telling me recently about some friends of hers - all around the 20yo mark - mummy and daddy bought them cars (nice, new ones) paid for their iphones all through school and still do, pay all their bills and give them an allowance to go out and party. And these kids are not even in college, or working of any kind, they sit on their bums all day playing games, and party all night. (They were friends of her ex bf)

She actually thanked me for the way I raised her. She said although it would have been NICE to have fancy new phones and cars and all paid for - SHE was taught to work to earn what she wanted, she has worked (casual) since she was 15 and is currently working two jobs, she went to college and has a life plan. She has just paid for a 5 week tour or Europe, and is adding a week long UK component, has saved her air fares and bought her own car. When she comes back from Europe she is saving for a new car.

All because I have taught her to budget, plan, work. She wants to own her own café one day so is working through a management program at her main job to get the hands on experience etc.

If you don't teach kids early to take responsibility, and that working gets you money they will never learn it and just constantly "expect" things to be handed over for no effort (that is my skids!)

OH says "Oh I don't want SD to have to worry about working, I would prefer she concentrated on school and having fun, there is time enough to work when she grows up..." I get the sentiment, but at the same time school is not the only place they learn....

I agree with the person who mentioned cutting it slowly say $25 every six months - with the explanation that she is now an adult and needs to learn how to budget and earn her own money.

Yes it has been a very

Yes it has been a very difficult journey for me too. At times I cannot comprehend what has happened and have felt alienated from their arrangement. Now I want to step up and take ownership of my home and our budget. Like others here I worked by backside off and noone ever imagined giving me an allowance ever. I applied for my first time job before I was legally allowed to at the age of 14. I paid for myself during University. At times it has felt personal. Like there is only one princess in the house and I am just the good old earner again. Over time I have just realised he is a good man trying to protect and getting it wrong in this instance.

Thanks for your voices. Good to know that my experience is in line with most people and also to read what other parents are doing.

Yes it has been a very

Thanks for your voices. Good to know that my experience is in line with most people and also to read what other parents are doing.

Yes it has been a very

Thanks for your voices. Good to know that my experience is in line with most people and also to read what other parents are doing.

Yes it has been a very

Thanks for your voices. Good to know that my experience is in line with most people and also to read what other parents are doing.

Oh HELL no. Our BM gets over

Oh HELL no. Our BM gets over $1,000/month in support on top of her very respectable salary. No way on earth he'd be forking over money to the kids themselves.

I feel you on the sense of entitlement, though: this week, we had to make a 9pm grocery store run because the oldest texted claiming they needed money for food the next two weeks since "mom doesn't have any." Mom blew it partying, but I digress. In my opinion, any self-respecting teen would be fucking mortified...but not this one! He took the bags of groceries and, without missing a beat, looked at us and said "thanks...but can I still have some money?" He was told no, but decided to text again today asking what he is "supposed to do about money for this weekend." This is a 13 year old.

So, no. No teens in this situation will be handed cash without earning it.

While I am ranting, the other

While I am ranting, the other thing that is frustrating is that I end up having to spend more time with SD17 when she is on holiday than he does. This is because I work part time and also look after a five year old. So the repercussions of the choices visit me and not DH or BM whilst she is 50% with us. SD17 is not a go out and live type of a girl so is home a lot. I go out and have a life but also want to be at home so my 5 year old is happy at home too.

Part of me wants to say to DH, hey you stay home with her these holidays until she gets a full time job. Not practical for him as he is under a lot of pressure at work. Doesn't seem fair though. Spoil the child so she has little capability to self manage and then do not turn up for the consequences. Incredibly BM who works normally 0 to 2 days a week starts working full time when SD17 is on holiday this year. Incredible timing!

Oh, I hate that! For me, it

Oh, I hate that! For me, it is because I work from home, and DH doesn't. SD14 hardly goes to BM anymore because of SF "always telling her what to do". Seriously? Don't you think it is because he is tired of you sneaking out at night to go smoke pot because all your pot smoking friends live in that neighborhood? Unless SD14 goes to her cousin's house, I'm stuck with her stomping around the house because she is bored, talking loudly on the phone, opening/closing the pantry and fridge every five minutes thinking that junk food is magically show up, blaring the TV, etc.

Well sounds like SF has her

Well sounds like SF has her number. Send SD14 back for some shared time.

im shocked his obligations

im shocked his obligations end at 18 to both of them! most agreements ive seen the NCP has to pay until 22 or 23 unless no college, then 19.

That's interesting. The law

That's interesting. The law here is until age 18. She lives at both homes 50/50 so is not out in the street. My thoughts are that we can offer money for tasks. That is what most of our friends are doing with 18+ year olds who are going to University and encouraging part time work and holiday work. Seems sensible to me and encourages initiative.

I have said to DH that if SD18 wants to move out then we should look into an allowance similar to what her friends would receive via the government. That way she is equal to her friends, can pay rent etc and is not disadvantaged or advantaged. I doubt that she will do that though.

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Pocket money for teenagers?