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Need help at end of rope

helpthismomma's picture

DH and I are finally at the end of our rope with SD disrespecting us our family and our time. The last 3+ scheduled weekends that SD was scheduled to spend with us she ditched us after lying and went to hide out at with BM's :jawdrop: BM will not enforce the CO and says she doesnt want to be in the middle of things. CO ends when she graduates high school(drops out of school or gets married) unfortunately for us she will be 19 SD is now 17+ has her own car and has basically broken our trust over and over, she is a pathological liar she will lie right to your face and then and then run away to her BM. We have decided we cant live like this anymore it is not ok for our 2 younger children living in the home nor is it good for our marriage or sanity. SD is Toxic, always full of drama, always an excuse why she cant come, then when she is here she is no fun to be around and wont interact with us she excludes herself wants to be on her phone (not allowed here) she has now resorted to leaving to go to work or to visit a friend.....see you after work, ok love you..see you then only to get a text 4 hours later, I am not coming back then she wont answer phone or text. Of course room was emptied of her belongings without our knowledge and she never had any intention of coming back. BM response thats your problem with her. Our 2 younger children dont understand and are like sponges they dont miss anything most of all the drama she brings with her of course they look up to big sis and she is NOT even close to a role model but they idolize her. It is effecting them, our youngest is in preschool and teacher has already spoken to us about BS not being able to control his temper. He sees his big sister act like that so he tries to do it as well We have to put the brakes on to save our family, she cant continue to come and go as she pleases and disrupt everyone's life here without a care of who she hurts in the process.

My question, if visitation stops can BM take back to court for more $. Most recent CO is from 8/16.
Should DH go to lawyer to draw up papers to inform all parties, in the best interest of SD ......We dont want visitation any longer if this is what we have to put up with and are on the same page we dont want it back until trust and mutual respect can be rebuilt? if thats possible at this age

What would you do?

kenciso's picture

Oh, my goodness... I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advise for you as I foresee my own life being the sequel of your life.

All I know is at a certain age, the child has a say with who she resides with, at least in our state. Also in our state, up until 18 the non custodial parent is to pay support. That may not be in your favor.

Again... so sorry this is tearing your life apart!

SM12's picture

Just be happy she is choosing to not come around.
As far as CS goes, I am sure the BM can go get more money if she wanted to try. You can't stop her from trying, but that doesn't mean she will get it.
Stop worrying about what if's and just enjoy the peace and quiet without the SD causing chaos.
Sounds like you and your DH are both relieved she is no longer coming around so make the most of it.

helpthismomma's picture

Thankfully SD does not have a key to our home. she is scheduled to be here again on Friday, DH is not going to call or text like he always does and we are certain she will not either. She has still not read his text after running away last visit. We just wanted to try to be proactive, honest and open even if she is not. She has told us she is not happy when she is with us but she is when with BM (go figure no rules and she can do whatever/whenever she wants)Its not a surprise, she has been a victim of parent alienation for most of her life. We would like to try to salvage any possibility of a relationship with her in the future and dont want her to think we are abandoning her but we deserve to be able to provide a healthly enviornment for our other children too. Without having the support of her BM its impossible.

helpthismomma's picture

In state where CO is issued SD is considered the age of majority at 18, it is then she can legally choose if she wants to continue to visit without regard to the CO. Child support continues until she graduates. So we are legally talking about 10 months.

oneoffour's picture

Welcome to the wonderful world of CS until 19.
Just let it go for now. She knows how the land lies and she will work it like you will not believe. Enjoy the piece and quiet because eventually she will make a mistake and face the consequences of her actions.
Then she will come crying for Daddy. And Daddy should leave her for a few days without a car or without bail money. BTDT with OSS.
If you don't poke BM with a stick she will not take you back to court.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

As long as your DH is the NCP and his name isn't on the title of the car, I would just let her go. I know it's painful and frustrating, however the girl is almost an adult but not mature enough to reason with, so as long as there are no liability concerns, meh.

Maybe have your DH continue to send weekly requests for visitation (looks good for court if BM tries for a cs increase)?

It's great that the two of you are on the same page and want to protect your younger children from this negativity. I was one of those younger kids with an out of control older sister, and I wish my mother had recognised the effect that toxicity had on me. Please know that as upsetting as all this drama has been, you and your bios have the right to be well-adjusted despite your DH's first family. Letting go is a process (and a therapist of your own would be a great gift to you), but it's the best move.

Acratopotes's picture

CO states visitation and SD refuse to come for visitation..... simply ignore it then, do not change it, this way CS remains the same, if BM wants more money she can go to court and DH can simply say BM and SD are not following the CO with visitation.

It's not long before CS stops, I would simply not bother, if she does not want to come over, so be it, skid free time }:)

Rags's picture

If visitation stops that could qualify as a significant change in circumstance and BM could request a CS review with a better than likely chance of her receiving increased CS.

You mention that BM refuses to enforce the CO. Why would she care if your DH does not enforce his rights under the CO? Any time SD fails to abide by the visitation schedule DH needs to slap BM with a contempt motion. IF he doesn't then he basically abdicates his rights and his own parenting time to BM and that gives her all of the leverage and advantage in the situation.

It is the responsibility of the CP and NCP to surrender the kid to the other parent according to the CO. DH needs to smack BM with a rolled up copy of the CO in the form of a contempt motion each and every time she fails to abide by the CO.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.