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Mini Wife

helpthismomma's picture

Ok, so Ive been away from the forum for awhile trying to work on disengageing with SD 20.  She makes it easy since she doenst try to have any contact with DH me or our two other young children - only time we hear from her is around Christmas or Birthday or when she needs something.  DH still longs for a relationship with her and is constantly texting, trying to make plans only to not receive a response until days later if ever in some cases or for her to break plans with whatever lame excuse she comes up with that day.  Recently she got into text disagreement with DH and proceeded to blame her lack of relationship with him on me!!!

It was all lies and typical of her "victim" approach to life but one of the things she said  DH loves me more than her really got to me.  Now this girl has had boyfriends...a DH love should be different than the love they have for their children.  Very odd.  In trying to find answers i came across mini wife syndrome and think this may have been an issue in our household all along. 

Where can i find more information for not only me but for DH too.





Evil3's picture

You can search the term "mini-wife" on here. Steptalk is where I learned about it. You can also search the internet for "Electra Complex," "Adult Spousal Syndrome," and "Emotional Incest."

I've been through mini-wfe syndrome myself as my SD29 is a mini-wife on steriods. It's nothing less than devastating and even though I lost my sh*t with DH four years ago and he made major changes, I'm still traumatized from it. I put up with it for over 20 years before I laid the law down to my DH, so maybe the length of time I suffered has to do with why I'm not over it yet. I also don't have that trust for DH. It really does feel like an affair. You will find a lot of information and support here on Mini-Wife Syndrome and how some of us successfully dethrone the queen.

helpthismomma's picture

Thank you for sharing, not sure that describes our dynamic. The only inappropriate thing i witnessed would be her rubbing his leg while watching tv years ago say 13 ish....always made me uncomfortable  DS took on more of the role of she was the adult in control would visit when she wanted to would leave during his parenting time and tries to manipulate DH's feelings towards me.  Why....I dont get that part because she has 0 relationship with him its almost like she has same goal as her BM many many years ago.  She didnt want him but doesnt want him to be happy with anyone else

bedazzled's picture

You are correct. mini wife syndrome creats the same emotions of your spouse having an affair. I also told SD off after 15 years of living with her abuse. I will never never see her again. Just like I would not see anyone else who had abused me or DH had an affair with. I feel about her the same way I would feel about anyone else who worked and keeps working at breaking up my marriage. I can not even stand to see a picture of her or her spawn. 

These so called parents who use their kids for emotional fulfillment that they  don’t get in their marriages creat this mess. Emotional incest goes on for generations and generations. SD is now using her spawn for the same thing. DH thinks she is a very devoted loving mother. The very best in his mind. The sickness just went to next generation.

No contact disengagement is the only way to protect yourself. Don’t get pulled into their sickness. 

Kes's picture

Inappropriate physical contact is not always present in "mini wife" syndrome.  Sometimes it is purely emotional and manipulative, as with the remarks your SD has made about you and her father.   She is trying to induce guilt in her father and the feeling he's not doing right by her, particularly by being with you.   This is classic emotional incest.  

hereiam's picture

She may not be a full on mini-wife but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have some issues.

From your other blogs, it sounds like BM has been part of the problem. Alienated kids are usually told that the other parent doesn't love them, chose someone else over them, blah,blah,blah. She wants to feel like a victim and make others believe that she is one. It's a form of manipulation.



CANYOUHELP's picture

I love the mini wife thing where they are soooooo concerned about daddeeee's appearance, his clothes, his weight, his hair length, etc.  Then, they try to dress them in their own clothing, that is fun too....

Worst of all, daddeee listens to them...that is when you say no.

hopelessly parked's picture

I have spent the better part of 20 years trying to show SD31 that i love her, well is came to a boil and now I ma in disengagement. I am no longer involved with her or her family.  She wanted her Parents to get back together for years.  She resents me and I know it.  She is claiming that she always hated me and only was nice to have access to her dad.  She will play the victim as well saying that I took her dad away etc etc.  DH will still talk to them and have a relationship with them, but I am done, and I am taking my money with me.  That has been the thing all along, I am sure she will try to weasel back in, but the damage is done and I can no longer deal with her.  Same thing makes sure we are sending gifts etc, but alas no more.   It hurts really bad and in time I will get over it, but realize first you did nothing wrong but love DH.  Same thing with SD31 she will say that he loves me more than her and I said it is different.  The love you have for your child is different than for a spouse but SD31 was raised by a loose woman and I dont think ever learned the difference.  So sorry this is happening to you.  Reach out any time.

jojo68's picture

A lack of boundaries is why the Mini Wife Syndrome comes about. Like Evil3, I had the mini wife on steriods as well for over 10 years. No one ever put these manipulative young women in there place so they do what they do.

I just recently told SD18 off. She got to hear what 10 years of pent up anger is like coming out. It was a closure for me. I pray for her, wish her well, and have forgiven her for what she has put me through but I want absolutely nothing to do with her.

notasm3's picture

I do not have anything to do with SS34 so we will never have a conversation. But if he ever said to me that DH loved me more than him. I’d agree. “Of course he loves me more. I’m a decent person- unlike you “