My first time here and I need serious help!
Well I met my now husband over 2 years ago and it was all fine. His then 13 year old son was living with him and his then 11 year old daughter was living with her evil mother. They had been seperated for 9 years then. My then 8 year old son and myself moved in with my husband and his son but when we moved in I had warned my husband that if he ever planned on her moving in with him that I wasn't gonna move in the same house cause already she was a brat with me and very unrespectfull. Enough that I had to deal with her every second weekend. The more time passed, the worst she became. She would only talk to me if she had to or if I had something to give her, she'd take my toothbrush and put it in the toilet, she would try to bang into me when our path would cross, you get the picture.
Well, her mother committed suicide and guess who moved in! HER! Ok, so at first I thought things would get better cause I knew her mother had some to do with her awful behaviour but they didn't. It's getting worst and worst and I have never said anything to her other then the other day when she had a shit fit at her father because she thaught my son wasn't punished enough becuase he interrupts when they talk. So I told her that like her, he doesn't listen much and we do try our best but we can't perform miracles. The past 2 months have been horrible. Even though I tried everythign for her, even spent hours in her head to ride her of lice, yeah you read right, lice, made her room, organised things for her, she is a bitch. Her main thing right now is she hates everybody in the house and wants to be alone with her father. Her father is now depressed, he doesn't know what to do with her, he never wanted her here either cause she is something! My plan is to sit her down tomorrow and talk to her with her dad because we had enough and things are just getting worst. She steals, lies and manipulates EVERYBODY. Even her grandmother doens't talk to her anymore! I tried to be compassionate cause I know she did lose her mother to a tragic event but it has been going on for longer then that and I had enough. We lock everything in here and I'm scared she will hurt my son. He is very scared of her. Iknow he's not perfect either but there's a limit.
Opinions?
Welcome Clairedelune! You
Welcome Clairedelune! You have come to the right place.
I dont have much advice except to say that this child needs serious therapy! My daughter is the same age and she is an angel compared to your SD.
There must be added issues with her now that her mum has passed away, so yip definitely...she needs to be in therapy.
Good thing that the father is supportive of you.
Good luck
MG
I hate to hear your SD lost
I hate to hear your SD lost her mom. I feel for her because she must be going through some really hard turmoil even if she isnt being very loveable now. I am not excusing her actions at all but she probably could use a good grief counselor to help her work through these feelings. However, this does not give her a right to treat everyone like she has been and she needs to realize this before it is too late.
"she'd take my toothbrush and put it in the toilet, she would try to bang into me when our path would cross, you get the picture"
Oh my goodness... that is horrible. Have you spoken with your local juvenile authorities? My SS11 who was 9 at the time had to speak with the juvenile probation officer for getting wrote up so many times in one year. It scared him almost straight for awhile. He was told if they had to speak with him again he would be put on probation for the rest of the year which meant no phone calls (Even from grandparents and BM), no going anywhere other than school and church, etc...)He was also told if he broke probation, he would then be sent off. Yea, he was only 9 but this one is a handful guys. Of course, who was the one who took him and signed all the paperwork with him.... dear old stepmom.
Your first priority is to your children and if your child is any danger, you may need to remove yourself and him from the situation even if only temporary until her behavior changes. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom that would make everything all better. Just know that we are here for you anytime you need to vent,talk, or need advice.
Thank you so much ladies for
Thank you so much ladies for those replies. Feels good to know I am not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel. SD really needs help and I brought her to a counsellor which said there is no need to see her again unless we see signs of depression!!! She manipulated him also so she wouldn't have to see him again. I thought about removing what belongs to me from her room (tv adn dvd player) and stop doing anything for her cause it's obviously not doing much but I don't know what to do. I gave my DH an ultimatum yesterday. Either she changes her ways or one of us has to move out, her or me. I will not be miserable and on my guards at all times in my house. I also told him he would have to choose who will have to go. I know this is horrible of me to do this but I'm at the end of my rope right now and have had enough! Am I being unfair? Do you think I should take away what belongs to me that she uses? THis is so frustrating!
"Am I being unfair? Do you
"Am I being unfair? Do you think I should take away what belongs to me that she uses? THis is so frustrating!"
Do I think you are being unfair no, not really. I know you dont want to leave your DH, but that may be what it takes for him to see how his daughter really is. I am afraid if he chooses to make your SD leave due to your ultimatum that he might resent you for making him make that choice, even if he chooses you. I would talk with your husband and tell him that you would never ask him to choose between you and his child but you have to lookout for your child as well. And if things did not improve dramatically, you would have to do what it takes to ensure your son was safe. This may get DH to thinking and ensure you arent painted in any bad light.
Yes, I would take away what belonged to me as well. She is priviledged you are allowing her to have these items in the first place and would need to change her attitude before I let her have them back again. Good luck and I hope things work out for you, DH, BS, and SD one way or another.
Thank you I appreciate the
Thank you I appreciate the honesty and the truth. You are right, I didn't see it in that angle. Too angry I guess.
Hey.... its easy to give
Hey.... its easy to give advice when we are not the ones dealing with the situation:)
I agree with Mercy seek
I agree with Mercy seek another theropist's opinion and go first to explain. I can't see any child who's been thru what she has not needing help. I'd imagine since her BM had problems she's probably been mentally abused. She's also at a very difficult age. I'd try explaining things are not going to be her way, You are the Adults in charge, and the purpose of the Theropist is to assist her, not for your benefit. It's costing you and your husband money and you're not giving up. She's going to go talk to someone weekly.....like it or lump it.
Thanks, I will try the talk
Thanks, I will try the talk tomorrow to gets things straight with her since I've never really said anything and let my DH deal with it but it's time I take control. I'll get in touch with another therapist, see what they can do for her little ()&*^ mind...
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the great advice! I will definitely try all that!
You said this behavoir
You said this behavoir existed before her mother died and you fear for your sons safety.
Consider telling your husband that you want a legal separation. That is you don't want a divorce - you just want to leave until the situation with his daughter is resolved. (That may not happen until she is grown and leaves home). Meanwhile legally your financial obligations are separate. This means neither one of you are responsible for the others debts or obligations.
You can set up housekeeping, perhaps nearby, and "date" him as you wish but meanwhile you'll never have to see this kid again. Don't sacrafice your son and ten years or so of your life in a futile attempt to raise this girl.
I do tell DH to take her out
I do tell DH to take her out for supper, a drive, a movie, anything and he does but it doesn't help at all! All it seems to do it give her the right to be more bitchy for some reason. She dumps my hair conditionner too! Isn't it frustrating!