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Moving Backwards

trendyjendy's picture

I’ve been in a relationship with my DH for 6 years. I met him when his kids were 11, 13 and 14 and I had a new son of my own at the time I moved in to their home. Things were a little rocky at first but got to a pretty good place with the kids. I was talking with them, helping them with homework, driving them to places, etc. Essentially, working on establishing relationships with them. BM was busy moving from one abusive relationship to another, and dumping the kids off in hotels and such when they went for their weekend visits. Not only did Dad pay a HEFTY amount of child support, they were LIVING with him full-time! It was a joke. Anyway, time went by, the kids became my biggest nightmare. They were constantly going in our bedroom and snooping around, so much so that we had to put a lock on the door. Guess what? They broke into our room with a butter knife! They were ALL failing school, never even picked up a book. It was incredible. The oldest SS was abusing RX drugs, pot and alcohol, and would occasionally drop one or two of his “pills” on the floor for my baby to potentially put in his mouth. Let’s not forget that he brought some delinquent runaway teenager into our home without our knowledge, and attempted to hide him away in his bedroom. He got kicked out of school for smoking pot in a classroom and had to go to an alternative school (that I had to drive him to cuz dad was always working). My stuff was getting ruined, they would eat everything I bought before I had a chance to take one bite of it, they would talk crap about me to everyone they knew. All the while, I’m driving 50 miles round trip to work every day, getting up at 5:00 am, picking up my son at the end of the day, getting home, cleaning up the messes they left for me, and finally dropping in to bed exhausted, having spent only a small amount of time with my own son. Finally, after all the BS with the oldest SS, I insisted we kick his butt out and send him to his mothers. DH agreed and he was gone. Later, we found out he was arrested for abusing his sister and mother and they threw him in jail for a few months. He was arrested again for something else later on but by that point, I couldn't have cared less. Then I had to deal with the SD16 – she was a flipping nightmare, too. She was failing school, refused to help out around the house and would often brag about how good she was at manipulating people. She was very promiscuous, and was having sex with multiple partners without birth control. Thank God she didn’t get pregnant (we put her on the pill against her BM’s wishes). However, she refused to try and find a job (didn’t get one until she was almost 18), didn’t get anything better that a D average in school and when she wasn’t busy fixing her hair and sending nude texts to various guys, spent all her time eating, sleeping and watching TV from the couch. I can’t tell you how frustrating it was for me to come home and see her just sitting there for hours, dragging herself off the couch to eat a meal we prepared, then sitting her butt back down and eventually falling asleep there. Of course, she refused to get a job, refused to work at school, but wanted the car and the cell phone. Meanwhile, my DH is allowing himself to be bamboozled by this “kid” and would more often than not take her side. It got to the point where I absolutely hated the SD. Finally, and to my huge relief, she moved out and went to live with her mom. I hate to admit it but I was GLAD. The demands didn’t stop from her, but at least I didn’t have to live in the same house anymore. Anyway, that left one more kid to deal with and as with the others, he became a total ass as he grew older. Running away, failing school, smoking pot, disrespecting the house rules. One weekend, he went camping with his mom and sister and upon his return, stated he wanted to go live with his mom. YAY YAY! I was okay with that and envisioned some peace in my life for a change. The point of my rant is that now they are all starting to move back and I’m frustrated because it appears nothing has changed. SS17 moved back over the summer and worked with his dad. That was fine but there were still times he pissed me off. He went back to his moms for the new school year not because he wanted to, but because in order to actually graduate he had to. He wouldn't have graduated at any school in our area with his terrible grades. The SD is almost 20 and decided she wanted to go to “college” to be a pre-school teacher. She wants to live here for a few months to get on her feet so at the beginning of summer she started to suck up to the both of us. She told me how much she had missed our talks, she was saying everything that we wanted to hear so I caved. DH says get a job before you move in and we don’t want your dog. Tells her this months before the start of school. A week before classes begin, she comes to the house with no job, no plans for her dog and says she’s moving in next week. She had also chosen her classes, all 10 credits. What an utter joke. Ceramics, theater arts and communications? What? I was PISSED but dad decided that she could move in anyway. Dad had to do all the work, had to put the feelers out on FB to see if he could find someone to take her dog but in the meantime, it was here for almost a month crying, jumping on me, shedding everywhere, etc. And guess what? She STILL doesn’t have a job. Why? Because she decided she doesn’t want one. In the meantime, she’s eating food I pay for, using water, electricity, heat, and cable that I help pay for and contributes nothing to the household. Seriously, I don’t know if I can go down this road again. I’m starting to feel the same way I did before when she lived here and that’s not a good thing. At my prompting, her dad will have the occasional talk with her about getting a job but he’s certainly not insisting on it. He really wants her to get an education so he’s letting her walk all over him and completely dismisses the expectations he had set in place prior to her moving in. To say that she uses daddy guilt on him is a total understatement. There’s so much more detail I could go into but then we’d be reading a novel instead of a post. I guess I’m looking for a similar story and how it was dealt with. If I have to go through this for the next two years, I don’t think I’ll be able to manage it. How can I ever make this work without all the fireworks?

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Are you at the point where you're going to walk out? If so, you can give DH an ultimatum. The kid goes or you do. Kids like that don't change unless there are painful consequences. As long as she's allowed to do whatever she pleases, she will. She's obviously not going to go the extra mile. She can get an education AND work. Tell DH you will not tolerate this anymore. They are not children. She can stay IF she works, helps with the household AND continues school with good grades. If not, she's out. If he won't agree to that, it shows you where his priorities (or testicles) are. At that point, you can decide if you're willing to live with it anymore or not. Sorry you're back in the situation. Good luck.

trendyjendy's picture

No, not quite at that point. It's as if the SD knows when it's getting to that point and she'll go out and buy a few dollars worth of groceries or offer to babysit. How can I possibly argue my point when I know things like that will be used against me? By the way, she came home the other day and said bummer, I think I failed my test today. Her dad asked her why and she really didn't have much to say about it. I could answer it...she doesn't try. We are most definitely going to have another sit down, not her dad and herself, but all three of us. I beleive I've earned the right to throw in my two cents. I told him that he shoudl tell her rent is due on the first. If she doesn't have it, she has 30 days to pack up and move out. we'll see how things go. Thanks for the reply!

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Good luck with her. Talking to her will probably not do anything. She's heard empty threats before. She needs to see actions, and that won't happen if her dad doesn't step up and lay down the law. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen. That puts it back on you, unfortunately. If you don't want to leave, you're going to have to find some way to deal with her...disengage. You certainly have the right to put your 2 cents in. This is your home, not SDs. Let us know how it goes!