You are here

Has anyone divorced over step kids?

Ladytremaine666's picture

I think I need to get a divorce. I guess it’s over my 14yo step daughter, but the reality is that it’s over my husband, and his parenting and marriage failures that happen to related to his daughter. It’s not her fault and I frequently fluctuate between being infuriated with her and feeling sorry for her. Ugh! 

 

My H has always had really weak boundaries with her, and zero discipline. When she was about 9 I had a potted garden and when I wasn’t home she painted on all of the terra cotta pots. Instead of even telling her that it is wrong to paint on someone else’s things without asking, he presented it to me as a proud father, thinking that I would be impressed. I was not.

 

It has never been ok to discipline her. I also felt strongly that this should be up to her father. But he actually once told me not to even contradict or question anything she says. He did a poor job explaining life changes (moving in together, our marriage, etc) and as a result she expresses her malcontent by being manipulative and rude.

 

She was with us every weekend for years. After we got married BM started withholding visitation with various BS excuses. We now live far away (on and island so she has to fly to visit.) Her dad and I actually separated for a year. I went with my son back to the same city as SD and her father stayed here. She still blames me for him living far away (we actually went to go live with his family after he lost 2 jobs back to back), and also blames me for everything her father has ever done wrong.

 

When H and I decided to work on our marriage, he continued to tell her we were divorcing. I discovered chats in which she was calling me a bitch and a whore. Instead of disciplining her or even telling her to stop, he JOINED HER. Wtf.

 

After this and some other things came to light, she told him that if he didn’t split up with me she would stop speaking to him and stop seeingn him. He made her a series of promises to do so. At the exact same time he was messaging me and trying to convince me that all of this was in my head. He tried to tell me everything I wanted to hear while also telling her whatever she wanted to hear, even if those things contradicted each other.

 

He has done plenty of other ridiculous sh*t in the past. But this is the last straw. He keeps making promises about going to therapy, finding us a couples therapist, making changes, and he doesn’t follow through. I am tired of feeling like garbage. I’m tired of feeling used and abused. And I don’t want my son to have to see any of it.

 

its not going to be easy for a number of reasons but I also feel like I cannot keep waiting for things to get better or for him to start respecting me. Because they won’t and he won’t. 

I just want to feel like I’m not alone, so I’m wondering if anyone else has ever been divorced because of conflict about or involving step children?

Jcksjj's picture

I have not, but 70% of second marriages with kids involved end in divorce. And the kids tend to be one of the top factors so....you wouldn't be alone.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

He joined her in calling you a bitch and a whore?!

 I would have made copies of everything, gotten a shark of an attorney, and divorced that jerkwad. 

You know you're ready to leave because he's a lowlife. Stop putting your life on hold, hon. He is so not worth it. 

Ladytremaine666's picture

I do have screenshots. I figured it would be easier and less expensive to try to file for an uncontested divorce. A contested divorce seems expensive, long, and drawn out. But I have never done it and don’t know much about it. If you have any other insight I would really appreciate it.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I am getting divorced because my ex’s very poor boundaries led to to resenting my step children. When my ex tried to create boundaries my in laws would treat the step children like victims because they always used to go running and say poor me- so I walked. 

tog redux's picture

Wow - get out of there, now. I can't even believe you give it a second thought. This man lies to you and does not respect you or your marriage. SD is not the problem - even if he had no kids, he'd be dishonest and gaslighting you about something else. That's his character and it's not caused by SD.

What made you go back to him after you left the first time?

Ladytremaine666's picture

Good question. It was generally against my better judgement, BUT. He started going to individual therapy 2x per week, went to a group therapy daily, and attended classes on sexism and gender based violence for husbands. His mother and sister chewed him out pretty good and are largely supportive of me, but they also want to see us stay together which adds a layer of pressure to their support.

Theres a second layer of complication which is that we live somewhere that I am not from. I’m one of few migrants in the area. I have to use a second language all the time and I’m not totally proficient. My son is bilingual and culturally fits in better where we live now. I took him back to where I am from last school year and he struggled so much. Staying here and getting a divorce will be a challenge (although not impossible.) Also, since I left for a period of time, I do not meet the residency requirements to file for a divorce here until July 2020. So the divorce would have to be filed by him at this point. I may be able to go back to where I am from to file, but it would be expensive, difficult, and my son is in school here right now and very happy and I do not want to uproot him. So i guess I just need to figure out some of the practical aspects and a timeline.

hereiam's picture

I discovered chats in which she was calling me a bitch and a whore. Instead of disciplining her or even telling her to stop, he JOINED HER.

I'm sorry, what? This, added to everything else, is unacceptable. If he didn't have a daughter, it would be something else, because he just sounds like an asshole.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

While you probably want closure, along the lines of apologies and regret by both your DH and SD, I don't think you are ever going to get that. Taking the SD out of the equation, your DH betrayed you by allowing someone else to speak about you that way, and engaging in that kind of discussion, especially when the two of your were trying to work things out. That alone is enough to leave. Focus on your son, offer reasonable visitation, and just focus on getting your life back.