It doesn’t get any better when they’re adults
For starter, I just want to say how nice it is to have a place to vent and not be judged. Everyone assumes blended families are perfect and happy like in the movies. If not, then the only other option is the you have to be the wicked stepmother. So here is my story...
My husband and I have been together for 7 years now. When we first met, he was the “weekend dad”. So we had fun together. We went to amusement parks, concerts, went shopping. And all was good! Then the little darlings (read: brats) decided that they didn’t want to live with mom. They wanted to move in with fun dad. Then it all changed.
Suddenly they didnt understand why they weren’t allowed to do whatever the f**k they wanted 24/7/365. It just got worse and worse. It was almost like the two (both girls) wanted to see who could out do each other. Run away from home with someone she met online? Dad didn’t even get mad! “I was just so glad she was ok”. Sneak 20 years boys in the bedroom at night? Sneak out to go meet guys met online? Drop out of high school? Get a jailhouse tattoo on our back porch while we were asleep inside? Tell a neighbor that she and dad did coke together? (Obviously total lie) tell people that dad doesn’t buy them maxi pads and get DCF called on us? Move a 7 year older boyfriend into the house and not even tell us? (Apparently he would leave when he was told and then would wait around the corner till we went to bed and she would bring him back him. He would shower and leave in the morning before we got up and come back to hang out all day) then said boyfriend started stealing from us and would stand in front of our house smoking pot with his friends. Like out in the open. I swear to you all of this is true!
Whenever I tried to talk to dad about this he admitted to me that when he looked at the girls he saw them as the 6 & 8 year olds they were when he and mom split up. So he just couldn’t do it. And these girls knew exactly what to say to manipulate him. They would twist anything he said and if he did try to put any restrictions in place they would refuse to follow them and he would never follow through. Finally they moved out after one of them physically tried to fight me. After that we didn’t hear much from them. They went on with their life and we went in with ours. Then my job offered me a promotion out of state. By this time both of them were 18 and though they were super pissed off we moved. Life was wonderful for about 6 months.
Then the younger one called up dad all teary eyes cause she couldn’t stand be away from him and just wanted a chance to get her life on the right track. Dad fell for it hook, line and sinker and a plane ticket was bought. Then she got up here and spent all day sleeping and all night meeting up with guys on Tinder. I said nope and told my husband if she wanted to stay here she had to get her GED and a job. She finally did but after just a few months moved in with some boyfriend and his parents. Another year passes and we just keep going on with our life. The elder daughter kept texting and calling about how miserable her life was and dad would help her out and send money. Then last fall she tells us how she and her boyfriend are getting evicted and can they and a dog come stay with us for a little while just to get on their feet? We have the discussion that you have to get a job and can’t sit around the house all day and this can’t be long term. No of course not! They assure us. And so they move in. And that’s where we are now. They have been living with us for almost a year now. She refuses to work. She comes up with any damn excuse she can as to why she doesn’t need to get a job. Like any damn excuse. They have zero money saved up and in fact will tell you that their account is constantly overdrawn. They do nothing around the house! They refuse to contribute anything to the house and have actually told dad that the double electric bill is “his problem”. So here I am working all day, coming home to cook dinner for everyone, then I have to do the dishes, gets our bio kiddo ready for bed, then do all the other laundry/cleaning/bill paying etc. that is called adulting. Only to get up the next day and do it all again. She meanwhile sleeps all day and only comes out of her room when her bf gets home (at least he works!) and then insist he take her out. She blames all her problems on us. She doesn’t like our house or the city we live in. She wants to drive our car around but refuses to pay us for gas or insurance. We ask her to help around the house and she will either do it so bad I have to rewash dishes or won’t do it at all. I have to spend an entire week nagging them to make dinner one night a week. To make it worse she is just a total bitch. She completely pretends I don’t exist and will interrupt dad and I talking like I’m invisible. Dad sees this and knows it happens but can’t really get her to change. He calls her out on it and she just says she’s tired or mad at bf or whatever her excuse is. She also tells dad total lies about me. Like I told her I wanted her Mom to die? WTH? Like why would I give two shits about her? We are at a point where we are struggling to pay our bills because our electric bill is up and I’m paying almost $1,000 a month in groceries. But they don’t care. They do over 7 loads of clothes a week because anytime they use a towel they have to wash it. We’ve talked about taking a vacation and they have already said “oh you guys have to pay our way”. It absolutely makes my head spin. How in gods name are you pushing 30 and you don’t have any freaking goals in your life?!?! Hubby says he knows it stresses me out and that’s why he wants to do something about it. What? So if it didn’t bother me you would be ok with this??? I keep telling him to give them a deadline to find a job or move out and he never does. He says he’s “working up to that”.
I just can’t possibly understand how as a damn adult you are ok with being a kid your whole life. I love my husband and I’m glad he at least has my back. I just keep hoping that I’ll wake up and they will say they are moving out. I feel like a bad person because I absultely hate them living with us. I want nothing more than to have my house back. I have honestly thought about getting pregnant again just to have an excuse to kick them out. I’m terrified that they will end up here forever. Literally I’m convinced that they won’t move out until after my kindergartener does. They seem totally comfortable having nothing going on for them. And I feel like I am going to loose my damn mind before they leave! I’d be lying if I said I haven’t considered taking my son and just moving out and leaving my husband to deal with them. Like take your pick- have your daughter or your wife and son. But you can’t have both!!
- StepMomtheMaid's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Im so sorry this is happening
Im so sorry this is happening to you! I totally beleive you. The children are adults. They need to leave you and their dad alone so you can live your own lives. They need to move on with their lives. I see many routes you can take here as your requests and pleading with DH has shown to be ineffective.
1. Talk to her and her boyfriend directly and say they have to move out by a specific date. You will be changing the locks and throwing their crap into the garage on that date. Make sure you keep your word.If DH gets mad at your for talking to his daughter then tell him he is being a controlling jerk. Next, tell them that if they use drugs on your property again you will be calling police for a suspicious odor of pot. In addition, the next time he smokes pot outside your home, go outside and confront them. Make them give you their pot or you will call the police.
or
2. If your name is on the house, tell DH that if his daughter is not out of your house by a specific date, you expect him to move out the next day because on that date things will get ugly as you will be calling the police to remove his daughter and her drug using boyfriend from your house (reason: drug use on your premise). Then when he moves out sell the divorce house and get your own place. If your name is not on the house, then get your own place. Don't come back until SD has moved out. These guys unfortunately don't know how to parent so they risk losing their second family.
For items 1 and 2, notice how Police is a constant theme, as is Moving out.
3. Don't have another child with him until his daughter has moved out of your house.
4. Put $500 into your own savings account and make DH pay the whole electricity bill each month until his daughter moves out.
5. Don't get pissed about their dishes or laundry issues. You've got bigger fish to fry and that is GETTING the adult child OUT of your HOUSE. Let them trash the house until they move out. Make sure you and your kid are away alot until they finally leave!
Good luck. You got this one! Take back YOUR home!
What a mess! Sorry you're
What a mess! Sorry you're dealing with this, many of us have been just where you are and understand your frustration. Join us at the Adult Stepkids forum for more support.
I'm sorry how does your DH
I'm sorry how does your DH have your back.
You seem to be the one running around over every on, while stands wringing his had hands and letting his daughter treat you no better then a servant.
Tell him as of X date you will be doing nothing for his ADULT child and her partner. You will not be covering any additional cost you have by having his ADULT daughter in the house. Any mess created by his ADULT daughter will be put in the trash.
YOU are going to have to make it clear to HIM that this state of affairs will not continue because he can not parent his ADULT child.
I would then tell his ADULT child and parter that of X date the new house rules are
A) Daughter WILL get h GED and a job, NO more excuses. She an adult, she pays her way.
B) Until she does she will be responsible for doing everything in the house, as every other adult in the house are working fulltime.
C) They will be Y amount towards the monthly costs of running the house.
D) That you will not be paying for any ADULT to go on vacation.
E) If she doesn't like it, then they can leave, and DH can go with them if he disagrees.
If YOU do not do anything then you will be still in position in 5 years time with addition of any brat she has in the mean time.
That was my 1st question
The husband is possibly gaslighting OP into parrotting her line, My Husband Has My Back, Stepford-style.
First of all,
quit doing anything for anyone in the house except your bio-child. Don't do anything for your DH either - he wants them in the house, he can either make them do their share of do it for themselves. This includes cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc.
Separate your finances. Do the math and figure out how much you should pay - probably a 1/4. Let Dh worry about his share and SD and boyfriend.
Make sure there is no way they have access to your car.
Give DH and SD a date by which she and boyfriend will move out. At this point if they won't you will probably have to go through a legal eviction process. You may seriously consider getting a place for you and bio. To go through the process while you are living there would be unpleasant.
Sorry to say this - but I don't see how your DH has your back in any way. If he did, nigher SD would have moved back home in the first place and he wouldn't be letting the current one stay. He seems content for you to take of all the household chores - which are at least doubled. What does he do to help?
oh my god
Please stop doing anything for them! Dont buy them food, cook for them, let them borrow your car. Nothing! Take a fuse with you when you go to work so your lazy SD has no electricity all day. Change the wifi password (or take the router with you), turn off the hot water while your'e gone. Disconnect the washing machine so they're forced to go to a laundrymat. Make it miserable for them! Sounds like they have quite a little life, take it away! You're talking about taking them on vacation? NO FREAKING WAY!!!! Adults without jobs don't go on a paid vacation with daddy. This is beyond ridiculous.
You need to tell your DH that you can't afford to support two full grown adults, it's just not in your budget. And they're not making any moves to leave so unless you do something, nothing is going to change. This would be a hill to die on for me, there's no way any able bodied adult would by mooching off me that hard.
In addition to this excellent
In addition to this excellent advice, tell your dh that he needs to get a second job to pay for their expenses and for a maid because if they won't pay their way and pull their wieght then HE is going to have to do it for them.
No sh!t on the second job for
No sh!t on the second job for "dh".
Yes, please explain how your
Yes, please explain how your DH has your back? Because his words say he's going to do something about this because it stresses you out? His actions say he doesn't plan to do a thing.
If I were in your shoes, I'd say either they are out by X date, or I am out by that date. You have every right to resent having a freeloading grown-up in your house who has no respect for you or your feelings. I'm not the type who could set all the limits the other posters have described, I'm the type who would pack my things and move myself and the bio kid out of the house.
Your DH is being ridiculously passive.
I agree. I would be up and
I agree. I would be up and out. He's "working up to it"??? How nice...while you are overworked taking care of them.
This would be my hill to die on bigtime!
Since nobody else is going to, respect yourself.
He doesn't have your back,
He doesn't have your back, plain and simple. If he had your back, this all would not be happening. Tell your DH to get his balls back and kick out the adults.
Stop being their doormat. I
Stop being their doormat. I have an adult skid just as worthless as your skids. My DH and I have let him be homeless and jobless. Guess what he’s never spent a night on the street. They will figure out how to survive.
Just 100% remove these aholes from your home, wallet and life. Wash your hands of them. You don’t need to ever even speak to them again. Your DH can see them elsewhere. I he won’t agree with that then he’s as big an ahole as they are.
This is tough. My own DD came
This is tough. My own DD came back to live with me and DH when she was around 20. In and out of the same abusive relationship. I feared for her life. But, still, the rule was that if she lived with me she had to work. Plus, given the abuse situation, she had to be in couseling. Fortunately, after several false starts when she saw I was not going to back down from those two conditions, she did both. It took a while and it was hard, but she eventually left the asshole boyfriend for good, finished her college degree, married a great guy, etc. Her life isn't all sunshine and roses, but that kid sure learned how to be a hard worker and meet difficult goals.
Anyway. Allowing adults to live with you and not expecting them to behave as adults is just allowing them is HARMFUL His kid will never learn to be an adult. It's a great big parental FAIL.
There must be rules, and consequences. And if DH won't provide rules and consequences, and won't allow you to provide them either, then you set YOUR boundaries with him. It might mean you live elsewhere where you have peace and security.