Morning routine
So DH just got a job working graveyard shift. It's a better job than what he had previously, so we were happy that he got it. He now gets home at about 6am, which is 30 minutes before SD15 leaves for the bus and 1.5 hours before SD10 leaves for the bus. Prior to this, I was ensuring that SD10 left in time. Prior to DH being on a graveyard schedule he was training on swing shift so he was getting home at about 10pm and getting up at about 8am. I was a little bit perplexed as to why I had to get up every day at 7:40am to get SD10 off to the bus when DH was getting up at 8am (I didn't see why he couldn't get up 20 mins early for HIS kid when she listens better to him anyways, and then I wouldn't get broken sleep since I occasionally work odd hours as well) but I did it anyways because he was getting used to a new job and I wanted to be supportive. So now he is fully on graveyard and when he comes home he causes all kinds of chaos with not only the kids but the dog as well. So I told him to keep it down in the morning and he did, but SD15 continues to behave as if I am not sleeping. She slams cabinets (we have the kind of cabinets that if you let them close on their own they will do so quietly, you have to TRY to slam them), puts loud shoes on and stomps around on the hardwood floors and is otherwise loud. I told DH several times to tell SD15 to be considerate in the morning and he always makes excuses. The first time he said "Oh, that was probably me" when I know it wasn't. This morning, he blamed my kitten, who was snuggled up with me in bed. When I told him no, it wasn't the kitten, it was SD15 he waved me off saying, "I'll handle it." I told him that I don't trust him to handle it because every time he says this and it hasn't gotten any better. He flew off the handle at me, saying I was keeping him from sleep and that I should take his word for it. He then said that if I kept arguing with him he wanted a divorce. I told him fine, divorce me but while you're at it, you can get SD10 to the bus, you can make them dinner in the evening and YOU can do Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm disengaged.
Should I file the paperwork and just be done with this mess? SD15 is a mini wife and I've posted before about her gross and manipulative behavior. I guess I just need the words of encouragement to go through with this.
The most troubling thing
The most troubling thing about your story, to me, is DH saying that if you keep arguing with him he wants a divorce. This sounds controlling and narcissistic to my ears. It certainly sounds as if SD15 is making noise on purpose to disturb you, and DH has neither the will nor the ability to make her stop. In the long term, how much is the relationship with him worth to you that you are willing to put up with the above, which is hardly likely to change? Can you cope with a mini wife and a useless and ineffectual parent who can't see the point of setting any boundaries? For an indeterminate number of years to come?
He played the D card. Go
He played the D card. Go file and stick with the total disengagement while the D is pending. The one who files usually had an advantage in the outcome.
It sounds like you're in for
It sounds like you're in for years of misery with this crew. What are you getting out of the relationship? Does your husband appreciate and love you and show it daily, or do you feel you're there to make his life easier and be responsible for his kids? He sounds controlling, and throwing out divorce to get his way is cruel. I would probably leave based on what you've written, but that's rarely the complete picture.
Don’t tolerate that
Wow, unreal to say he'll divorce you first off and second to expect you to be their "fill in mother" I'm sure he damn well sees how SD15 treats you and he still expects you to take over all the responsibilities so he can sleep in or just not have to worry about these things. This is not how this works if your partner respects you.
The D word is a deal breaker
I have told my DH from day one....of you throw out the D word, you better be prepared to see it through. Even in my worst times with XH I never threatened divorce. I would discuss problems or issues in the marriage but never through divorce out there as a threat. The day said I wanted a divorce was the day I meant it and it happened.
It is cruel and manipulative to threaten to divorce someone because they are trying to discuss issues in the marriage.
I can’t tell you to leave, that is a decision you have to make. All I can do is validate that you have a right to be upset and a valid reason to leave if your choose.
Maybe a separation but not a
Maybe a separation but not a divorce will make him see the light. *unknw* I am not married but I did let it go for a bit. Within a few days he saw everything I did for both of them and apologized and admitted he does not know what to do or how to do it with his daughter. It got really old and he was telling me to let him handle it before but was not doing anything. When it all blew up he finally took action and is starting to be more assertive with his daughter. I have enough to deal with with my 2 kids and their activities and own issues as teen to deal with his dysfunctional daughter and mentally unstable BM. I told him as much and he agrees he does not want me doing anything for her. We are still clashing over his inability to punish and cary out the punishment for his witchy daughter but I do see him trying more. It'd more peaceful and slowly I see the blinders lifting. I'm hopeful but not holding my breath but I am being supportive and pointing out his progress and telling him how proud of him I am to see him respecting himself more by not putting up with her drama. I'm just taking it day by day at this point. The engagement is on hold right now but I do see he is terrified of losing me at this point and I love him so much also. The question now is if love is enough
Can you imagine being selfish
Can you imagine being selfish enough to sleep while your partner took care of YOUR kids in the morning? And then not caring that your partner is trying to sleep and making all kinds of noise? He's a selfish person, and that's not going to change.