Lack of respect
I'm getting married in a couple of months and my fiance has three children, 7, 9 and 14. The 7 and 9 year old have the occasional challenges, but for the most part they listen and are respectful to me...as 7 and 9 year olds are. The 14 year old is rude, lazy and disrespectful. I've been super nice and have asked only 3 things, wash your hands, keep your room clean and put the dishes in the dishwasher rather than the sink. I know I grew up in a different time where at 9 I was cleaning the house, making dinner and doing chores outside as well. The above was a given and I was the dishwasher. I do the laundry and when I ask him to put it away he complains. At first I said nothing and recently I said very nicely - next time you can wash it and fold it too if you like. Yesterday he put the dishes in the sink and I saw it and asked that he put them in the dishwasher. He said sure, then walked away and never did it. When we got engaged, he told his father that he was happy for him and that he liked me, but he doesn't treat me that way. In front of his father he is nice to me, but often I am home with them when he is not. There are some responsibilities at their mother's, but there were very few before I moved in. Although there are few now. I actually think they could do more. I've tried being nice, and it doesn't seem to work. Should I be more stern? I feel there is a fine line as a step parent. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
I don't have all the answers,
I don't have all the answers, but wanted to tell you that my kids 11girl and 12 boy do the SAME thing with the dishes. Drives me nuts! I feel like if I don't follow them around all day they take advantage of it, but who wants to be like that?! My son's 13th bday is coming up and he is going to get a laundry basket, detergent, and instructions on how to do laundry.
The 9 year old is a girl and
The 9 year old is a girl and she suggested a chore chart. Perhaps if it's written down and there are consequences for not completing them, that would be good. I like the idea of the birthday gift.
My nieces and nephew and friend's children all have alot more responsibility than my fiance's children and I don't think that's bad. I am grateful now for all that my parents asked of me as I can and have taken care of myself since I was 18. I know it's a different world, but kids these days feel way too entitled. I know I'm not alone in that issue.
Thank you for your comments.
The rules are pretty much the
The rules are pretty much the same in our house, only the kids are required to do their own laundry...they are both old enough (BS19 and SD14) to run a washer and dryer. Put your own dishes in the dishswasher, pick up after yourself, keep your rooms clean, etc. SD14 is one of the laziest people I've ever seen!!! She will leave her dishes in the sink and claim that she doesn't know if the dishwasher is clean or dirty, yet I will sit right there and watch as she never even bothers to open it to check, and she will tell me something like this when the dishwasher is near empty! Even worse is that I've had to make it a point to run the dishwasher and empty it when no one is home, or she will just put her dirty dishes on top of the clean ones, though you can tell by the smell in the dishwasher that it was clean! So, her excuse of not knowing if they are clean or dirty any more doesn't fly, because I never leave clean dishes in there any more! The trash...rule is if you go to the trash and there is no room to put your stuff in it, you take it out. No, she just puts her trash on the counter next to the trash can, and will keep doing it no matter how big the mountain gets! Leaves empty bread bags or empty boxes in the pantry, when the trash is five steps away, leaves cheese wrappers on the counter, etc. It goes beyond typical teenage laziness...she doesn't want to do anything, and acts like we are her servants! I've gotten to a point that I don't say a word to her any more, but I will let DH know! He will either clean it up himself, or tell her to do it (he usually has to be in a bad mood already for the other). If he wants to "serve" her, that is his thing, but I'm not going to do it, and I expect that she doesn't trash my home, either!
I am so sorry your
I am so sorry your stepdaughter is being so difficult. That seems very purposeful. I have the same issue - is the dishwasher clean or dirty. Sometimes I get that right after he seems me or the younger kids put something in there. It is just an excuse. I don't think they realize it's not that much extra work to just put it in the dishwasher. I've also had to explain that you can't put pots and pans in the dishwasher so those get washed by hand. If he sees that he doesn't even ask or look, they just go right in the sink. I've had the same thing with wrappers too and the garbage. The only difference is he just puts the garbage in the cupboard by the garbage. I just love crawling on my hands and knees to collect it all. Is it just that teenagers think they can do anything? My sister has some issues with her kids, but not like I am having. Does your SD have a good relationship with you otherwise? How long have you been the stepparent? How does her biological mom feel about you? I am wondering sometimes if that doesn't have an influence. He has more chores there and apparently does them. I don't know. We have a whole other dynamic with mom. She is not very nice.
I am so happy I joined this group. I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate it!
I've been in SD14's life
I've been in SD14's life since about the time she started walking. Who knows how BM really feels about me. She claims that she loves that I've been a solid fixture in SD14's life, but if I say anything to correct SD14, the child will text her mom that I'm being a b***h, and then I'm dealing with BM cussing me out through text messages!
As for my relationship with SD14, she only really talks to me when she wants me to take her shopping, or otherwise trying to get something out of me. Otherwise, she gives me looks, argues with anything I say, and even goes so far as to put me down because she thinks she does anything and everything better than everyone else! I open my mouth about anything, and she says I don't know what I'm talking about...like she is the expert about anything!
Wow. That is over the top. I
Wow. That is over the top. I have that right now with the 14 year old. He ignores me unless he wants something from me. Their mother tries to turn them against me, but so far it hasn't worked, at least with the two younger ones. I am hoping that they don't become like your step daughter or their brother when they get that age. I don't know if I can get make it through this 3 times.
I have a friend who went through this with two teenagers and now they are in their late 20's and they have a very good relationship. There is hope. Hang in there!!! In the meantime, feel free to vent any time!