Get off your phone and do something!!!!!
My SO and I have our SD every other weekend and a day here and there in between. When SD was younger we would need to spend every minute rom 7 am when she would wake up to bed time entertaining her with crafts, boardgames, bikeriding etc. When we would leave the room even for a few minutes for a break, she would follow us. She would not bathe or shower unless her 18 yo sis showered with her or we ran the bath for her. Until she was 11 we had to cut her food for her too but finally put our foot down that she needed to learn how to use a steak knife herself by that age. Luckily, the older she gets, the less she wants to do. But to the other extreme. When SD turned 12 we tried to have her be more self sufficient...play on her own, make her own simple meals, make her bed, do laundry, put dirty dishes in dishwasher. Getting her to do these is like pulling teeth...she will only play with her phone or draw pictures she finds in her phone, she will grab cereal and put the empty box back on the shelf and a tablespoon of milk left in the carton, wont make the bed unless we directly ask her...every single time she is here. She rarely puts dishes in the dishwasher. Last week she left it beside the sink. When I called her back down to out it in the dishwasher she said she forgot as she doesnt have to at her other house. Glad to see the BM is bringing up such an independent young woman...sigh...
In my opinion lessons like
In my opinion lessons like this should be started much earlier than 11/12. If kids are catered to that long, it is very difficult to try and instill such things. They aren't "chores", they are lessons in life.
My 3 year old puts his plate/bowl/silverware in the dishwasher after meals (Just like momma! I'm a big boy!). When he gets undressed to take a bath, he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper (I'm keeping my room clean momma!).
Take her phone.
When she walks in the door the phone is locked up. End of problem.
Return it when she is leaving to head back to the other parent.
We had to do this same thing (pre cell phone days) with SS. He was infatuated with his PS2 and gaming. He could not function in the real world... so we banned all video games in any form from our home. No game system, no game boys, nothing. He was in 6th grade when we did this and we never allowed them in our home after that. The SpermClan wold give him the latest and greatest portable system (Nintendo DS, etc...) which would be confiscated and locked up as soon as he returned from SpermLand visitation. We would put them in his checked baggage when he left for SpermLand visitation the next time.
Take away the phone and force her into the real world. The more she balks at chores the more chores she gets. Explain it too her if she does her chores well and without complaint then added chores will be rare but if she complains she will do nothing but chores during the time she should be having fun.
My Skid reacted well to this model and ultimately made the connection between his choices and the outcomes he realized based on those choices. Give your SKid these lessons and hopefully she will learn.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Why are you the one parenting
Why are you the one parenting SD? This is all your SO's job.
If it makes you feel any
If it makes you feel any better all my SD12 does is stare at her phone. When she takes a break she will sit on DHs lap or stalk him while he is in the bathroom and stand outside the door waiting.
she cannot and/or will not get herself a drink or a snack....dadeeee has to get it. Dadeeee also serves her dinner plate and cuts up her food. If she wants more DH gets up to get it....if she needs a napkin dh gets it. Then she gets up leaves her stuff on the table and goes back to her phone.
oh wait...I also should mention it’s the same for SD16. So I am doomed.
my kids 17,14 and 12 are totally blown away by these morons.
We went through this too...
My DH did this for his younger two as they were referred to as "the little girls" well into elementary school/middle school. If they were thirsty, they would announce this fact and he would fetch them water. Hungry-he would fetch them food. Needed something at dinner, he would get up from the table and get it. They spilled something or broke something, he would clean it up. Then he wanted to leave them home alone at our house as they were "old enough". I bulked at this...I said how can we trust them home alone if they can't even get their own water? What if there is a real issue? If they break something, they won't know how to pick up the glass or keep the pets safe, or take care of anything. So they tried this at BM home...I don't know what happened but it didn't last long and they were back in child care and being catered to. Age does not mean maturity. Maturity requires growth not just time passing.
They are now 15 and 13 and can be left alone and are *more* independent, but are still socially and life skills immature for thier age. They are a work in progress.
I addressed it with my DH as a life skill thing. It's funny because we both grew up on farms...What we were doing and what was expected of us at those ages was so far from what he expects of them its stunning. He values how his parents raised him, so I frequently ask him what his parents would do in a similar situation. It causes him pause and I think has an impact. There are also chore charts etc. online of suggested ages for kids to do certain tasks around the house. It made an impact when it said 2-3 yo kids should be doing stuff these kids weren't doing at 10-12. Google Children Chores Chart. It's a great reality check in these situations. It isn't about ability it is about expectations.
You need boundaries defined with DH
If you love your husband and want to have a healthy marriage, please get to a good counselor with DH. Trust me ... My mind/heart remained in the past and my agtation and resentment grew all because my DW never really backed me with my two SS's who would do the same ... dirty dishes in rooms, always gaming, disrespectful t their mom, stack the trash can way over the top, not help with dishes, cleaning etc. It resulted in nearly ruining my marriage and I am crazy about my wife. Even though it is years later and the only remaining challenge is my SS28 who lives at home and pays rent ... My own failure to fight for my marriage and insist to the bitter end that we set boundaries and enforce with these children turned me angry and bitter and now it is a long haul to heal and get back a healthy marriage
Don't let this be you. FIght now for your sanity and your marriage. Make it very clear to DH you cannot live with this and that the two of you must have a strong, united front with her.
She's going to leave a messy
She's going to leave a messy kitchen for years to come because she knows it pisses you off. I highly recommend disengaging. House chores will be the least of your problems as she continues into adolescence.
Why should she accept it?
I don't see why the OP should just accept that SD is going to leave it messy and that's that.
OP I have the same problem. SD was on her phone ALL day yesterday. And I mean ALL day. I mentioned it a few times to DH but nothing was done. She just lay all over the sofa, on Instagram, tiktok. We've had the police over ours before because she said she sent an Instagram message saying she was being held hostage by a man with a gun. I'm a police officer by the way, so that was great. Nothing was done. No restrictions on phone. It's easy to say disengage and let her just crack on, but when her moods so badly impact the rest of the household it's easier said than done..
Try to let your SO do the 'parenting' (or lack of it) as hard as it would be.
This kid needs a paddled ass
This kid needs a paddled ass and to stand and watch while her phone goes in the toilet.
smh.
You sound balanced.
You sound balanced.
Another Bio not willing to Parent
Please sit down with your partner sans child. Trust me from harsh experience; unless you two BOTH become a unified front and steadily work on this it will get worse. Think of me as Jacob Marley from Scrooge sharing what happened and asking you not to do the same. My DW and I did not get on the same page and SS13/SS18 at the time became worse. They would not clean up, expected us to do their clothes and fold when OSS was 19, hoard bowls then only bring them to the sink (not even soaking them mind you) when they ran out, etc.
You have time so long as your partner will work with you. Look up the Step bill of rights; I've only recently seen it and love it.