I'm new to the forum - my teenage stepdaughter story
Any advice would be welcome.
I have a 15yr old stepdaughter. We used to have a wonderful relationship and now it has reversed completely.
Her mom lives in town. I met my SD when she was 7 and I was around 23. I don't have kids of my own and I'm quite a bit younger than my husband. There has never been a formal custody arrangement and over the years she has split time mostly evenly between mom and my husband (us). From the start she and I hit it off, we got along really well and things were very easy. I spent a lot of time with her, and a lot of time thinking about fun and educational activities for us to do, bought her stuff, had heart to heart conversations, the whole nine yards. Both her parents have issues of one kind or another and I saw myself as someone really important in her life, a balanced sort of person she could come to. Her mom was homeschooling her. When she was 13, her mom had had enough of her constant begging to live full time with us and go to school, and she dropped SD off on our doorstep. She lived with us for about a year and a half, full time. I really felt love for her, like she was my own daughter, and I really thought she felt the same way. I felt SO lucky not to have any horror stories of step-parenting. We put her in school and things seemed to be going well.
Then earlier this year happened. SD was starting high school. She didn't get into the special program she wanted, and I worked really hard (and spent some money) getting her into a small specialized school with great opportunities. She was specially chosen to be in a college readiness program. Being in school and making friends was a big deal for her because the religion her mom is raising her in forbids you to have friends outside the church and forbids you from going to college. SD needs a future social safety net for when she leaves this religion, as she claims she wants to do.
But always in the background was her mom telling her all the schoolwork is a waste of time (her religion definitely does NOT value education outside of what they teach you) and of course because SD is a teenager and is lazy and doesn't want to do all her work, she starts listening to this message and believing it. SD begins putting off big school projects and stops talking about her school work and school friends excitedly like earlier in the year. She starts saying things like doing the work is a "waste of time" and starts being really obstinate and mean to me when I demand that she do her work. We see where things are headed and ask the mom to not take any action until we have had time to talk to SD further but mom waits til her visitation time and pulls SD out of school and starts homeschooling her again (without dad's permission) and she moved out quick as a wink, and now she lives with mom full time again. SD didn't even contact me or speak to me for weeks and has NEVER addressed how she threw everything I ever did for her away like garbage because she was lazy. She told me to butt out of her life and that's the end of it.
Anyway, the end result of all this (sorry for the long story) is I'm afraid to say it, but I kind of hate my SD now. I feel so utterly rejected. I feel like my previous feelings about being almost a "mom" to her were misguided and totally incorrect. I feel NO connection with her anymore. It's like she is dead, but not really dead, because I still have to see the "new" her, who I don't even know anymore, so the wound keeps getting reopened. I have no feelings other than negative ones - anger, disappointment, sadness, and more anger - about her now. I hate when she comes over and I hide in my room or go out as much as possible. She's not sorry about our lost relationship. She doesn't even care.
I just can't face three or more years of this situation. I've tried to just stop caring but I can't. I know i'm probably being ridiculous.... but HELP!
What is this crazy religion
What is this crazy religion called? (I apologize in advance is the word crazy offends anyone. However, in this instance I find it crazy that a religion dictates that a woman isn't good enough to get an education and make her own life. I assume they dictate that all she is good for is procreation?)
As far as advice for you on how to handle this situation, I wish I had some. I'm so sorry you are going thru this and feeling the rejection. My SD14 and I had a wonderful relationship at first as well that has now completely dissapated. I had always wanted a daughter and she had always wanted a mother figure. But that didn't work out and the rejection definitely hurts. This board has become such a help for me and the frustration. There's lots of great advice given by people who have been in our situations!
Is your husband's ex-wife
Is your husband's ex-wife Michelle Duggar by any chance? Oy, the pull of the mama is one of the greatest forces in the universe. Wouldn't be surprised to see sd referring to you as an agent of satan now. You "tempted" her. And probably her dad, too.
Just save yourself.
LMAO Chief! I was totally
LMAO Chief! I was totally picturing Michelle Duggar too! I see a lot of long jean skirts in the SD's future!
<< signifies sneaky smiling
}:) << signifies sneaky smiling Devil, not angry anything.
In the words of Amy
In the words of Amy Winehouse: What kind of fuckery is this? Teenagers are, largely, stupid. I'm not making excuses for your sd's behavior, I'm just telling you that, from experience with my own osd, they'll flip the switch and become COMPLETELY heartless assholes. Heading out when she comes over is a fine start for the physical issue of dealing with her; go do something that makes you feel good and give thanks to Neil Patrick Harris that she isn't yours biologically.
I know it can be heartbreaking, don't beat yourself up. I'm sure there are plenty of us that have made the same mistake with being super close with our skids and then BAM, nature fucks you over. *Hugs*
EDIT: for bad spelling
I'm by no means an expert. I
I'm by no means an expert. I just began dipping my toes into this step parenting thing about a year ago, and God knows I have problems I am trying to overcome myself. I don't pretend to know how to 'fix' your situation, but maybe keeping a few things in mind will help lead to a better home environment:
1. Its obvious that you're hurt. Anger is much easier to cope with than pain. I have found that displaying sadness and allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to say that I am hurt requires a lot of bravery on my part because it means that I have to trust other people to care about how I feel. But for your own benefit, please remember that you won't be able to process the emotions, heal, and move forward until you deal with the true feelings at the root of the issue.
2. You know your situation better than anyone, but try to entertain alternative explanations for the outcome. Maybe instead of laziness being at the heart of her sudden switch, it was caused by something else? She began to feel guilt about rejecting her Mother's belief system and felt as if she was betraying her? She was having problems making the adjustment to a traditional school environment after being home schooled? Maybe you've nailed it already, and it really is laziness, but that's an awful extreme change to see in a kid, seemingly without any catalyst to push her in that direction, that was so excited in the beginning.
3. Remember that she is a child. She is not on the same level as you. No matter how grown up they look or try to act or talk, they are children. They do not have the same mental capacities as adults, or the same level of emotional maturity. Even when it gets hard, you have to remember that you are dealing with a kid. Biological children can hurt you just the same as a step child, the only real difference is the shared blood and unconditional love that comes with it. They require adult intervention and guidance. Maybe she isn't able to see the situation in the same way that you do, and maybe having an honest conversation without the anger as a distraction might help everyone understand the true impact of the changes. It must be very difficult and confusing for her to exist in two vastly different home environments simultaneously. Being pressured and hounded by a parent is a very convincing motivator to a kid. Will you be comfortable in the long run if you allow your relationship with her to permanently sour because she, for whatever reason, folded to the pressure of her Mother?
4. Evaluate the impact of this relationship in your life. You will see it stated again and again that she is not your responsibility and its your fiance's problem to deal with. That may very well be the correct approach to take in some situations, but is that how you truly feel in your own heart? If she were blood, would this be enough to make you 'hate' a member of your family? What about a very close, long time friend? Is this relationship, which will greatly impact the one you have with your fiance as well, important enough to be mended? Are you as happy or happier now that your relationship with her is fractured than you were when it was intact? Can you see yourself becoming just as happy as you were before all of this if your relationship with her isn't repaired?
Its never too late to make changes. Its never too late to choose a different path. Its never too late to change your mind. All the times you may tell yourself 'I can't', the truth is, you actually can. You have the power to go any direction you want...don't let anyone tell you differently...even if its coming from inside your own head.
Good advice. Even bio-kids
Good advice. Even bio-kids get stupid when they are teens. It is worse when they're steps because you don't have that unconditional love to fall back on. I am curious about that religion. Did this happen after the divorce? Very odd.
My advice, after dealing with
My advice, after dealing with a situation similar to yours?
Step back, disengage and let her do her thing. Yes, she may be throwing her life away, but it's her life. I'm sorry that she hurt you. That part sucks a lot. Like you I did a lot for my H's kid, helped her, encouraged her and invested a lot of my time so she would have a better future.
What I got in return? I was told I did nothing for her. That I was not nice, warm or motherly (no shit, I'm not a mom). That she hated me and didn't want to be around me.
Yes it hurt but it also allowed me to take a giant step back. I completely (completely) disengaged. I stopped doing everything I was doing before and told my H.....I'm done. No more. I stopped buying gifts. I stopped reminding H when she needed things. If she came to me for something, I directed her to her father. If H came to me for help, I told him she was not my kid, therefore not my problem.
She's nearly twenty now and for the first time in the eight years I've been her SM, she sent me a Mother's Day Card. She thanked me for all I did, all I tried to do and all the encouragement I gave to her.
Things may change down the road with your relationship with her, but she has to find her own way and make her own mistakes. You can't protect her and you can't stop her. Just tell her you understand she has to figure things out on her own.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your input, all of you. Hot_Mess, you bring up things I know to be true in my heart but have trouble seeing, so thank you. And I think I will continue to disengage, as suggested, but try to let go of the hurt and anger (really let go, not just bury!!
) Maybe there is hope ahead to have some kind of relationship again.
The religion, I do not want to specifically identify it because don't want to step on any toes or whatever. But it's not the Duggar one.
There is light on the other
There is light on the other side of this, even if its hard to see now. I find it hard to believe that after bonding so strongly, and maintaining it for several years, that this is the end of all that was good for you and her. I know many adults that have trouble coping with disappointing/hurting/angering someone they care about, and in the interest of self-preservation and an attempt to escape responsibility for the negative impact, throw up defenses much like it seems she is. I can continue to speculate about her feelings and motivations, but only she can say for sure what is true, and eventually, I would venture to guess that she will....but maybe later than sooner given her age.
Though it may feel like a crushing blow to you now, try to keep in mind that just as we celebrate our victories, we have to take care to learn from our perceived defeats. I promise you that there is a lesson in this that you will be better for having learned. And the same is true for everyone involved.
Time is a great healer. So take it, and feel your way through this in whatever feels most appropriate and beneficial to you. I truly wish you all the best with whatever you decide is the best course of action.