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I need you ladies to please help me!!! *Update*

shouldigo's picture

So we talked last night and to fill you all completely in with more details about our life here it goes...

I am 31 but did not want to start working on kids until I was 32 (Aug of 15). I have never wanted to be in an uncomfortable situation when starting my family, I want a house, baby's own room, etc.

I moved from the east coast, gave up most of my business to start a life with him on the west coast. I have had two jobs since living here, and currently working part time, but looking for a more permanent job. We own a duplex which we live on one side with 2 bedrooms/one bath, very low bills to save money to buy a house. No credit at the moment (working on it), but we do have cash.

My step daughter is in therapy because of the way her mother treats her and talks bad about her dad. (I have no interaction with the BM because I told them it's not my drama to deal with, so I don't have that problem).

He has a very good job (billable), but at any time his pay can go from 10,000 to 3,000 a month. When we spoke last night he was upset thinking that I wanted to get a divorce when all he wants is for me to have a steady job, weather it be my business again or something else. I am not happy not working, and i don't won't to have to depend on PA to help raise my kids, and he knows I'm not happy with that, but I'm looking for work and just constantly told I'm over qualified.

He said he hates that if I don't even want start trying until I'm 32 (8 months from now), I'm giving up and making him feel bad when he really does want a family, and he's ready, but just wants me to also be working, even if just 40k a year job. He did say that it will also be easier when SD is out of the house because of all she is going through, and he does feel bad because of how her mom treats her (BM has another girl, and married for 9 years now, and throws it in her face a lot).

I don't know if I'm just panicking and causing myself problems, I have trust issues, or what.
I know what I want, and marriage is about trust, but when I watch how stressed my SD makes him, the guilt I see him feeling, I just feel like he is forever going to try and make her feel as if she is number one. The way I grew up all kids where equal (I'm the oldest with a different dad then my 2 sisters) and my mother made it a point to not favor although I was the kid with all the great things gong on.

Although he is turning 40 in may, most of his friends are too, and who are just trying for babies, or have really small ones 1/2 years. He knows it is a deal breaker for me, and that 32 is really when I want to start. He says he hates when I breakdown like this because im not really giving us a chance to be married, be husband and wife first, and then have babies with a good history behind us. He does not want what happened before because he feels bad for SD.

This is everything!

Stormyweather's picture

Yeah I didn't get what you mean too....why wait to get more FT work, when you have to take time off to have a baby later anyway...then have to pay someone else to raise him/her as you HAVE to return to work?

Its tough being a woman...and raising kids and trying to don't have the same issues as the child rearing responsibilities seem to fall on the woman's shoulders.

Why cant your DH take the time off to raise the child instead?

What do you want to do?

furkidsforme's picture

I don't get it either.

I'm sure if your SO had two SKids instead of one, he would still be finding a way to make it work.

It sounds to me like you are brushing the REAL issues (family dynamic, lack of parenting, and not being an equal partner) under the rug and focusing on the fake issue of money and jobs.

onthefence2's picture

I was confused as well, but not everyone sees things like I do. I believe in the whole stay at home mom thing. No way am I going to get a full time job and pay someone else to take care of my kid. Also, realize you could get pregnant on the first try, or it could take years, so waiting 8 months or not is kind of moot. Both of you are trying to decide the "perfect" time to have a baby, and the truth is, it will never happen that way, especially if your ideas don't agree.

BethAnne's picture

I'm at the same stage as you. I just turned 30 and we are feeling ready for a kid. But I am currently unemployed and I am paranoid that if I don't find work in my field soon and before having a baby I will never be able to get back into it after the baby. I am beginning to give up on the idea of getting a job in my field around here as there aren't many companies and they aren't biting when I've applied for the few positions available. There is a small chance we will be moving to a big city with a lot more work sometime next year so if that happens I hope to have better luck. If not then we have set the arbitrary date of february to start trying. If I find a job first, then I will put off babies for a year or two. My husband is keeps saying he thinks that I will never have kids, but I will because I know I will regret it if I don't. I just want to be happy first and also to enjoy life without kids for a little while longer!

I hate not having a job it has caused me to suffer with some form of depression and my self esteem has nose dived. I was brought up with a working mother and strongly believe in providing the same example for my kids and giving myself the sanity, independence and confidence boost that working for a living gives me at the same time as being a mother. If I have to pay out all of my salary to child care, it will be worth it. It will be keeping me sane as well as maintaining my place in the workforce and positioning myself for advancement later on. Just trying to give a different perspective to the sahm brigade.

Personally I agree with the poster above that the job/money issues seem to be minor compared to your worries about how your husband will parent your children. Maybe it is time to sit down and discuss parenting values/methods?

shouldigo's picture

Our situation is very much the same, and yes the work thing is also a me thing. I want to work, I don't want a 40k a year job because that's no money, but where we live there aren't many 70/80k jobs unless we move 2 hours out into the city.

I told him that I am firm on trying once I turn 32, that had always been my number to start having babies, I'm just afraid that if I do not have a steady job by then he won't want to because for him it is very important that he still gets to keep some of the life style he now has because my SD is older, he didn't have a comfortable life when he had her.

Another thing is yes, I'm afraid that he won't love our kids as much, as all I her is how SD is a daddies girl and had him wrapped around her finger. I chose him because he is a great dad/man, but I won't deal with my children being treated any less then my SD.

shouldigo's picture

Thanks. I just found out last night that he told his friend that he really does want 1/2 more kids, but also a comfortable life not living pay check to pay check.

He has pretty much been a single dad for 17 years because he took on all the financial responsibility of raising my SD although he was not with the BM. She did and still does not pau for anything, said it was his job.

Bottom line is I think I'm just afraid that our kids would not be as special to him. And when I think of all of my exes who wanted to get married and start families I told then no, only to end up in a marriage that wasn't in my orginal plan.

I love my husband dearly, but I just feel like i waited and worked so hard to find the right man/husband/father and I shouldn't get less or be treated any different then if I was his first (this I'm mainly concerned about any children we would have. I'm his first wife, and he said we waited to get married because he wanted to do it right, the way he always wanted it).

The more I write I'm starting to feel like I'm the one with the problem, and if I am I appreciate you telling me so.