I need you ladies to please help me!!! *Update*
So we talked last night and to fill you all completely in with more details about our life here it goes...
I am 31 but did not want to start working on kids until I was 32 (Aug of 15). I have never wanted to be in an uncomfortable situation when starting my family, I want a house, baby's own room, etc.
I moved from the east coast, gave up most of my business to start a life with him on the west coast. I have had two jobs since living here, and currently working part time, but looking for a more permanent job. We own a duplex which we live on one side with 2 bedrooms/one bath, very low bills to save money to buy a house. No credit at the moment (working on it), but we do have cash.
My step daughter is in therapy because of the way her mother treats her and talks bad about her dad. (I have no interaction with the BM because I told them it's not my drama to deal with, so I don't have that problem).
He has a very good job (billable), but at any time his pay can go from 10,000 to 3,000 a month. When we spoke last night he was upset thinking that I wanted to get a divorce when all he wants is for me to have a steady job, weather it be my business again or something else. I am not happy not working, and i don't won't to have to depend on PA to help raise my kids, and he knows I'm not happy with that, but I'm looking for work and just constantly told I'm over qualified.
He said he hates that if I don't even want start trying until I'm 32 (8 months from now), I'm giving up and making him feel bad when he really does want a family, and he's ready, but just wants me to also be working, even if just 40k a year job. He did say that it will also be easier when SD is out of the house because of all she is going through, and he does feel bad because of how her mom treats her (BM has another girl, and married for 9 years now, and throws it in her face a lot).
I don't know if I'm just panicking and causing myself problems, I have trust issues, or what.
I know what I want, and marriage is about trust, but when I watch how stressed my SD makes him, the guilt I see him feeling, I just feel like he is forever going to try and make her feel as if she is number one. The way I grew up all kids where equal (I'm the oldest with a different dad then my 2 sisters) and my mother made it a point to not favor although I was the kid with all the great things gong on.
Although he is turning 40 in may, most of his friends are too, and who are just trying for babies, or have really small ones 1/2 years. He knows it is a deal breaker for me, and that 32 is really when I want to start. He says he hates when I breakdown like this because im not really giving us a chance to be married, be husband and wife first, and then have babies with a good history behind us. He does not want what happened before because he feels bad for SD.
This is everything!