How do you handle a teen mom
My sd is 17 and just had her second child. Do you pay child support as usual? How involved should you be regarding parenting her anymore now that she is a mother? Is it appropriate that when she argues with her baby daddy, her 19 year old sister calls their dad at 2am for him to intervene? They live in another state, the two siblings and their boyfriends and the babies. Their mother is pretty useless. We send groceries and money. She refuses to move here and leave her friends and the first baby daddy's family. The baby's paternal great grandmother has the baby over 50% of the time, by choice, not court order or anything. I know teens can be difficult enough without all this thrown in there. I was angry to come home from work to find out the sd had called in the middle of the night for something like that. I'd have chewed my daughter out had she called in the night for a non-emergency.
No CS, she’s emancipatied.
No CS, she’s emancipatied. She should be getting support from the babies fathers. Or social assistance.
I’d send money only if I could afford it, after all our bills are paid and money is put away for retirement and savings.
I also wouldn’t be pressing her to move nearer to you. I’d be quite happy she and her brood are in another state!
In her state she's still
In her state she's still considered a minor and couldn't even leave the hospital with her new baby without a guardian signing for her.
My SO has a hard time not helping. But they also will not manage their money. It was a scheduled c section, yet they blew their money and didn't have enough for formula when the baby was 3 days old. SD called him and "hinted" that they were almost out of formula and wipes and he finally realized what I've been saying for months...that's her way of asking for money. He recommended ways to get formula(relatives, churches and food banks or who to call to find out where to get emergency food) and pointed out that wipes are not a necessity and didn't send money. (If we thought it was truely an emergency we wouldn't let the baby starve)
I can understand that pull you feel to take care of your kids. But at the same time they choose to become parents and that is not *our* fault or responsibility. I suggested to SO that instead of sending her money, order things the babies need and have it sent to them.
And we definitely don't
And we definitely don't encourage her anymore to move here. In fact, SO told her she's not welcome to live here because of her behavior issues. He had begged her for a long while though until a year ago when a 2 week visit from her turned into hell.
Oh my, those girls have
Oh my, those girls have certainly torpedoed their lives, haven't they?
I agree, don't give them money. And don't become an established resource for help, or you'll be pestered with constant requests for $$$. Maybe send some diapers or formula occasionally?
Don't get too involved, or attached to the gskids. It only leads to heartbreak and exploitation. All of your skids sound pretty low class, so I think I'd try to avoid them as much as possible.
I did get really attached to
I did get really attached to the older grandchild, and had my heart broken when they had a long visit a year ago and she behaved horribly and my sd uses him as a threat. I've been really careful since. I was hoping we'd end up with the baby but as long as the grandparent near her is willing to take care of him all the time it's not going to happen.
You're a smart cookie. Have
You're a smart cookie. Have you checked out the Step Grandparent forum?
I quickly looked at it but
I quickly looked at it but haven't read much yet. I am going to tonight.
My SO is such a great
My SO is such a great stepfather to my kids and my kids all adore him, so I always feel so guilty when I'm not that same level of stepparent. His ex was abusive to him and taught their kids to do the same. I've heard some scary stories from the kids. They somewhat understand now that they are older what was happening in the home, but nobody will change their behavior except for my SO standing up for himself and learning not to let them treat him like a walking wallet and talk to him so disrespectfully, and that's taking alot of therapy and hard work. The kids aren't liking it at all. I just live by example and show that's not how we do things here. His sd21 lives with us, it's not very fun.
I married her.
I married her.
My DW had our son when she was 16. I met her when she was 18 and SS-25 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
We met when she started University. She was a fully lauched adult though not yet fully self sufficient as she was on government assistance.
IMHO when a teen has a kid... they should be immediately emancipated and pitched into the deep end of life to fend for themselves and support their own child.
But... that may just be me.
My DW worked full time, went to HS full time and the SpermIdiot did work and help while SS was an infant. My ILs did not have the resources to help much but they did purchase a small travel trailer for DW, SS and the SpermIdiot to live in. That trailer was hooked up to my IL's home for power, water, sewer.
If this 17yo breeder is too dense to actually help herself and her spawn... she can emancipate and launch. For that matter, she can emancipate and launch regardless. IMHO at that point any support is directely dependent on her behavior. She either uses her head, does what she is told, or she navigates life on her own.
I do absolutely agree that
I do absolutely agree that once you're a parent you should be treated as an adult. And if it were my bio child the situation would have been handled in a completely different manner. Especially once she got pregnant a second time!! But SO has the mindset that she's still a minor, she's still a child even though she has babies. He's coming around as I said and is starting to see how things really are and need to be. The baby daddy is not a minor and starts a decent job soon so hopefully they learn to manage money and do things on their own instead of depending on other...even lower class...people.
I got pregnant at 17. I did go on wic and went to college and worked and I paid for everything myself that I couldn't get social assistance for. I did make it through my high school graduation before having my baby which does make things easier than finishing while raising a baby. My parents were extremely against helping me. So I sometimes have this attitude that because I did it, you can too. And that's not always the right way so I wanted to hear from other people.
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your outcome. Your child is lucky to have you.
I find it interesting that those who do not allow a laps in judgement as a teen to define their lives have little tolerance for those who don't do the same. It is about choices and choices are all on the shoulders of the chooser IMHO.
Your parents expected you to adult up as did my ILs with my bride.
I disagree that how you and my bride did it is not always the right way. You both did it and doing it is the right way. While the details of the "right way" might be different for each person the common denominator is learning from the event and making the right choices going forward. You did that, my bride did that and the outcomes that you and those who take accountability have had proves that personal accoutability is the right way.
My wife has near misses on head explosions any time she hears "but my daughter/sister/niece/grand daughter is not like you/your daughter" or "not everyone is like your daughter" when my MIL recounts the discussions with her coworkers or someone directly confronts my DW on her journey from 16 & Pregnant/Single Teen Mom to successful educated professional, mother, wife, amazing woman.
I do not give my ILs much credit for many things but how they dealt with my DW as a pregnant teen/teen mom was a blessing because it forced my incredible bride to step up and perform. She already was when she got pregnant but that wake up call and the lack of coddling by my ILs locked it all in as core character elements for my bride.... as it should for anyone in the circumstances that you and she have experienced.
My DW was also on WIC as well as subsidized day care ($1/day) and had Medicaid coverage for my SS. She was working two jobs and going to school full time when we met. She had no car, walked more than a mile to school each day and rode two buses between her jobs and the Skid's day care. She and SS used to have their mommy/kid time late at night after she finished studying. Why she accepted a proposal from an eternally 13yo eternal college student baffles my mind to this day.
I am a profoundly blessed and fortunate man to share a life toghether with her and very proud to be the father she chose for her son.
And while I know "that (you) are just (you) and did what had to be done" (if I had a $ for each time I have heard this over nearly 25 years I have been married to my teen mom bride.....) you are truly special and an inspiration. Don't miss that unequivocal fact.
Thanks for your example. You and my DW need to go on an interview with Dr. Drew for one of the Teen Mom's specials to tell them all how it should really be done.
I don't think it's good to
I don't think it's good to make it too easy for young parents. Who knows how many kids may be in her future if she can just dump them off somewhere to go make more.
I understand not wanting her kid to go without, but the kid was doomed from the day it was born to a teenager. It's best if the mom learns how hard parenting is -- I can't think of better birth control.
At her both her 10yr and 20yr
At her both her 10yr and 20yr HS reunions my bride had several people express their amazement that she had only one child. The assumption was that she would have a herd of spawn. She had SS when she was 16 and went on to graduate with her class with honors, a dual major undergrad with honors, an MBA with honors and to a successful career as a CPA.
Interestingly a number of her classmates who didn't learn from their underage out of wedlock breeding experiences were rather pissy with her and commented that not everyone can be like her. She confronted that perspective a number of times during her reunions to call those folks out on how wrong they are and how a lapse in judgement as a teen does not have to define a person's entire life.
I wouldn't even hire a lawyer
I wouldn't even hire a lawyer for this, but go back to court and ask for CS to be terminated. Having 2 kids makes you an adult. I can see having an "oops" baby, I really can. However 2 while still in high school???? Are you kidding me??? What kind of special idiot is BM??? My kids would have an IUD so fast her head would have spun if she was a teen mom.
There actually is no court
There actually is no court order for anything. He was just consistent about sending money weekly and groceries monthly to the kids. It was down to one minor child, two adult children, none in college, and the minor is the one with the children.
BM is very lacking in maternal behaviors, that's for sure.
So when does he cut off the
So when does he cut off the gravy train? It is long past due IMHO.