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Pure Evil

Step-girlfriend's picture

This wknd was overwhelming. Skids were by Crazy, so it was just my SO and I. It went from good to bad, and now I don’t know what it is. That may or may not be a blog for another day. I’m still processing it and figuring out how I feel. He is working the complete opposite shift as me so I won’t even see him for a few days. 

Anyway, the point: We went to SS’s basketball tournament Fri and Sat night, apparently to watch him aimlessly run up and down the court for 3 minutes each game, contributing nothing and putting in approximately 1% of effort. Wet noodles try harder than him. Slugs! It’s frustrating, at least try! Since Crazy had the skids, she was there in the stands with SD9. SD ran up to us (well, my SO) Fri night to get her phone that she had forgotten. She kissed my SO’s head twice (eh), asked for her phone, and gave me a quick glance where she moved her mouth in the tiniest way possible before she ran back to Crazy. Hm... SD and I have a very good relationship, she loves me and usually is excited to see me so I know this is because of that psychopath. Still, it sucks.

Tonight SD came to say hi when I got home, and she started talking about something her classmate said that hurt her feelings. I teach SD to be a good person, and she is. I don’t ever want her to surrender to Crazy’s ways, so I mentioned that she doesn’t have to hug me or anything when she’s with her mom and sees me, but she can say hi. I reminded her how she feels bad when her friend doesn’t say hi to her (she has this neighbor friend who won’t say hi or talk to SD when she’s with her “other” friends). SD said “I wasn’t allowed to say hi to you. My mom said “don’t look at her. Only say hi to your dad and come right back and don’t even look at her”. SD asked later if she could say goodbye to us and Crazy told her no, and again to not look at me. Seriously???? You jealous, hateful, crazy b*tch. I feel so bad for SD that she is put in a situation where she can’t even look at someone she loves. And that she is being taught to hate, when that is not who she is at all.  I have never wanted to punch someone as much as I want to punch this Psycho. Who would ever say that to a sweet kid?!? 

Gah, I’m just boiling inside. 


Twix's picture

She may be obeying her mother’s wishes but she’s also protecting herself from her own mother, which is really sad. 

futurobrillante99's picture

come up with a code word she can say to you without looking at you and one you can say back that you both agree means hello.


She says: Froot Loops

you day: Cherrios while looking away 

HowLongIsForever's picture

My nephew and I did something similar - but just because we are ridiculous.

20 years later and either one of us can drop the code word mid-sentence and get the response.

Fantastic idea for OP & her SD.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I love this idea!! It gives you two something special to share - DH shouldn't intrude on your little code.


notsobad's picture

Somehow, our BM has never had to actually do this. She managed to get SD to treat me poorly when BM is around without ever having to say a thing. At least you can talk to your SD about it, one day she'll get it and know exactly the type of person her BM is. My SD still thinks that BM walks on water and the sun shines out of her ass. SS gets it but is still loyal to BM.

When we went to SD and SS games they always had to say Hi to BM first, they would come talk to us but never, ever before talking to BM. BM never told them that they had to but she had them conditioned to come to her first. If they didn't, BM was the sad, hurt martyr. I know its not politically correct but she put Jewish mothers to SHAME! The guilt she laid on those kids for not recognizing her and treating her like MOTY was like a horrible stink in the air.

The upside was that I knew all the other parents and BM only knew a few. So I had lots of people to talk to while BM waited for the skids to come to her. No on other than us noticed that the skids ran straight to BM. Which drove BM crazy because well, she's MOTY!!!

tog redux's picture

My SS was sweet and loving at 10, too - it was downhill from there.  Now at 19, he's still civil to me, but he's not even a real person anymore, he's just a BM projection.

Unless your SD is very resilient (some kids are - not all kids get alienated, even when parents try), she's likely to give in to BM's crap eventually.  It's easier to just go along with feeling like you are BAD than it is to feel guilty all the time for mistreating you when she knows it's wrong.

Sorry, this stuff sucks.  It's hard to imagine adults can be so selfish and insecure, but they sure can. And they care nothing for how it affects their children.

Step-girlfriend's picture

Thanks. The worst part is seeing a kid that is good and caring, and putting her in a situation where she is forced to treat people poorly. There is plenty of hate in the world to go around nowadays, why would you try to make a child worse than they are?

I really can't tell which way this will go with her. I tell my SO the same thing, that I've heard so many stories about the BM winning, and skids PAS'ng out. He had never heard the term and looked it up. I know he likes to believe his kids are great and above all of that, but they also love their mom. SD is strong, resilient, and her instinct is to do the right thing and she likes everyone, so I lean towards her resisting it as well, but you just never know.

STaround's picture

If a public event, I think that anyone who wants should be entitled to attend, but that means watching.  

If on Parent 1's time, Parent 2 (and or his/her entourage) needs to accept that Parent 1 gets to control who the kid talks to.  Now, Parent 2 can say to kid, dont come talk to me, if you wont talk to my GF, etc.    BUT that is all he/she can say.  

Both parents need to respect the parenting time of the other.  And neither should put the child in the position of not respecting parenting time. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Are you seriously defending the position of telling a kid they can't even say hi to, or look at, a person that they love and live with?

It's not about respecting the other parent's time. It's common courtesy. If a kid sees their parent and their significant other (again, who they live with and love) at a school event, or any event for that matter, they should be allowed to say hi. We're not talking about her coming and sitting by us or taking away from the parent's time. It's one word. Hell it didn't even have to be one word, but she wasn't even allowed to smile at me. There is no excuse for telling your child they can't look at someone. A smile does not take away from parenting time.


DPW's picture

Reread your post and tell me that you seriously agree with what you wrote. This is ridiculous advice. 

tog redux's picture

She must find something to disagree with. It's an imperative.

"OK, kids, it's MY DAY, so here's the list of people you can talk to ..."

DPW's picture

It really boggles my mind to be so contradictory for the sake of being contradictory, even when it defies logic. It's so fruitless and I don't get why people do it. 

tog redux's picture

I agree, especially when you have to bend the truth into a pretzel to find something to be contradictory about. So the OP and her DH are interfering in the other parent's time by expecting the kid to say hello when they are at an event.   Dash 1

CLove's picture

Would be a great website. Someday...

Yeah, when munchkin was little and had less filters, she would tell me that she couldnt talk about me and the positive things I did for her, because "mom would get mad/sad/cry".

Then a few months ago, RIGHT after our wedding, she filed for child support modification - and you should see the stuff she wrote. things like "the live-in buys my daughter bras and clothes, I should be able to buy her that, not the live in!" And on and on.  I spent my own hard-earned money for back to school when DH didnt have enough money. Bought her clothes. bought her bras.

Her mother never even took her to the park or beach. And we are close to both. I did. Munchkin is smart, and as she grows older, she is finding her voice, seeing how selfish her mother is. How Narcissistic.

Shes almost 13, and already complaining about all the drama and creepy dudes, and guilt tripping.

Step-girlfriend's picture

Good for her! It sounds like she can see the truth. Still hard because it's her mom.

Even SD9 sees a lot. She complains about the trail of boyfriends (Crazy's solution to that is to hide the guys from her, which, better than flaunting them like usual), and gets exasperated at her for talking shit about us. It gives me hope that she will think for herself, but you really just never know until it happens.