You are here

Happy Anniversary

stepper47's picture

Today is our 7 year anniversary.  We were on vacation all week, part of it for our family trip and then a few weeks ago, DH decided we needed to spend the rest of it painting the exterior of our house.  Not what I had in mind, but it needed to be done so I agreed.  It has rained a lot, so we were not able to start until Friday.  We worked all day Friday and yesterday and last night I said we aren't painting tomorrow, right?  He said yes we needed to....it made me upset because one, it's our anniversary, and two, it's our last day of vacation.  I wanted to take a break and go do something fun together.  But nope, we painted.  I was feeling kind of down about that, plus the gift he got me was something he wanted and I did not.....I don't even need a gift, but don't wrap up something you want and pretend it's for me.  Ugh. Anyway. We worked hard painting until about 4:30, when DH said he wasnt feeling too well and needed a break to cool off. It was hot so he said he might get in the pool.  I continued painting...we had talked earlier about having dinner at 5, he had planned to make a meal he made me on one of our first dates, so I assumed he was getting in the pool for a little bit then was going to start dinner.  At 6 I finished painting and he was still in the pool, he had vacuumed and cleaned it.  We ended up ordering a pizza bc it was so late.  He asked me to bring him his phone to order it and when I opened it, there was a text he hadn't sent yet, to SD16.. who had texted at 430 asking if she and her friend could come swimming tmr.  He was texting her to let her know it wasnt cleaned yet (we haven't used it this year due to the weather), but apparently decided not to send it and go clean the pool instead of finishing our paint job. I really hate to be petty, but i just worked my behind off on my anniversary when i didnt want to, only for him to quit early so he could clean the pool for his princess who treats him like he doesn't exist unless she wants something.  Not feeling too festive right now

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you don’t speak up for yourself and require better from your H, this is what you’ll get.

My H tried blowing off our anniversary just ONCE. I held him accountable, and it has never happened again. 

Train your man. Set him up for success by TELLING HIM WHAT YOU WANT.

stepper47's picture

You are right, and Saturday night I did tell him for my gift I wanted to not work on the house and go spend time together.  He convinced me we needed to get the house painted.  That bothered me but I get it, we need to get it done, I am mostly upset that he quit on painting and skipped on dinner to go clean the pool for SD and is lying about that being the reason he cleaned it.  He claims she didnt ask until later in the evening when he told me about it but I know that is not true.  I need to get better about speaking up on these things at the time, I just always second guess myself

Dovina's picture

is you second guess yourself because your DH tells half truths about his "backdoor deals" with the "first" family. Might be some gaslighting going on, your self esteem wll lower (I mean look at how he chose to spend your anniv) he certainly didnt make it special for you. Yes you need to make it clear to him on what you expect, just like SD did. Fingers snapped, the pool is cleaned. See how that works!! However as his wife, and on your anniversary you expected a meal he said he would make. But he got tired, but not too tired to clean the pool for his DD.  Anyone in your position would begin doubting themself. Your gut knows . IMHO

stepper47's picture

Yes, and this has happened from time to time over the last 7 years of our marriage, where he tells me one thing but something else is actually going on.  It does make me feel crazy, like I am looking for reasons to be upset, but yesterday felt all wrong.   Thank you for chiming in, you put some of what I am feeling into words.  Just not sure how to approach it, he does not know I saw the texts.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This sounds like Cognitive Dissonance, and no wonder you're doubting yourself. Do some research on this and on gaslighting. You'll see that you're not crazy, and your H is playing both sides.

The devil on my shoulder thinks you should put a triple measure of chlorine in the pool. You know, since your H was so worried about it being clean.

stepper47's picture

I will do that, think you.  The research part, not the chlorine part.  I might want to get in. Lol

ndc's picture

The thing that would upset me the most is that he deliberately lied to you by telling you his daughter didn't ask about the pool until later in the evening.  Why should you trust anything else he tells you if he can't tell you the truth about that?

stepper47's picture

That is exactly what has been on my mind all day. I know why he lied, and why he hides some things to do with his kids from me, because he doesn't want me to get upset.  What he can't seem to figure out is that I am more upset by lying, like you said....what else is he not truthful about.  And you know....SD didn't even come over today.  Shocking.