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Todays another day

purplegirl201's picture

So as it turns out the reason that SS10 has been with us since Friday is becasue a student tested positive at his school and BM thought it best that he not go back just yet. I was told this last night by DH when she called to tell him she would be picking SS up around 3. This now means that DH has to leave work hours early to be home to get his son ready.

I made a remark to DH that he is way to accomodating with BM and that he should have told her to pick up their child at 5. He is constantly accomodating her on pick up and drop off times. Itr clearly states on the agreement that it is 4pm. She is always calling to say she will be there at 5 or 5:30. I told him that he needs to start telling her that if she is going to be any later than 4 she needs to pick him up at our home (it's an hour and 45 minute drive each way, the pick up spot is halfway ) why does he have to always give in. I was told that I don't help matters any with my remarks. I am not one of those people that can keep my comments to myself especially when I feel it is affecting me. We went through a lot of trouble and expense to get this stupid piece of paper the least they can do is follow it. DH has never had an issue telling me when he has something is on his mind whether it has to do with him or not. 

Do I really think this is the true reason that SS has now missed 2 days of school, NO I don't. This is the same woman that 3 years ago when SS was 7 and had Impetego waited 7 days before she took him to the doctor, she waited so long in fact it had spead to his eyes and he had pink eye on top of it and then she dropped him off with us for Christmas break becasue it was our holiday. I am finding it hard to believe she has his intrest in mind.

I have tried to disengage but when I do DH calls me on it, yet I am not allowed to make any comments on dear BM. Apparently she is off limits becasue he is tired of hearing them and she is after all still his sons mother. REALLY She is a WTCW.

SS has been up for an hour now and has yet to come downstairs. DH has called to see if he has eaten anything yet and I said no he hasn't. He said can you please go and check on him, I said I am working, I can hear him upstairs he is fine, he is 10 and when he gets hungry he will come down, I'm not catering to him, I didn't do that with my own kids. 





SMto3's picture

So why does BM get to determine the skid gets to expose anyone in your household? And yes, for an almost 2 hour drop off, they should be able to stick to it. 

purplegirl201's picture

Nothing comes between BM and dropping SS off for our weekends. He could have tested positive himself and we wouldn't have know until she picked him up thats the kind of person she is. 

Gimlet's picture

Your DH chose to have a relationship with you after having kids with BM and it was/is his responsibility to be able to manage both. If he can't manage to respect your needs and boundaries while dealing with his ex, then he shouldn't be in a relationship at all. 

To me, this is about deciding how you plan to set those boundaries and communicate them.  Your DH doesn't get to have it all ways and he needs to know that.  He doesn't get to discount your opinions about a topic and then turn around and try to hold you in any way accountable, or dismiss the fact that the topic affects you. 

If DH chooses to leave work early because he's afraid to stand up to BM?  Not your problem, wouldn't even comment on it.  I know, it's hard because it's idiotic and it sucks to watch your husband act like a scaredy cat with his ex.  Unless it does affect you, with loss of household income or something of that nature, I would chalk that up to his dumb ass decision.  But don't bail him out of that decision, ever. 

Calling you to check on SS?  Nope.  He made it clear that it wasn't your lane.  If you don't get a say, you don't have responsibility.  You aren't the child minder. 

He doesn't get to "call you" on disengaging when he's disregarding your thoughts, wants, and needs.  He cannot have it both ways.  He wants you to grease the wheels and make HIS life easier, without regard for whether he's doing the same for you.

I think the reason a lot of these men "don't want to hear it" or tell you that you are "putting them in the middle" or she is "the mother of my children" (thank god for DH that he never trotted that line out for me) is that they KNOW they are f*cking up and it's easier to give in than to push back.  Or they fear "losing" their kid.  Or they feel guilty for the divorce.  But they know. And it's easier to take it out on you than to deal with the rest of it, until you make sure it's not anymore.

My DH and I have spent a lot of time talking through this.  I will not live in a relationship where I can't voice my thoughts, but I also recognize that I can't engage without agency or I will get really resentful.  So I've made my position clear - if I don't get to decide, I won't participate.  I will support my DH to the extent that I feel comfortable, but if I have no agency, he has to do all of the heavy lifting. 

I will also not live with my boundaries being disrespected.  If that meant pissing DH off because he had to stand up to BM or someone else, so be it.  Because I matter just as much as his ex, and it's OK and normal to say no to kids sometimes.  I am fine with putting his kid's needs before my wants sometimes, but I damn well better have my needs prioritized as well, especially over BM.

Sorry, this was sort of long and rambly, I just think that whole SM "expectation without representation" thing is utter bullshit. 

purplegirl201's picture

Thanks for your input. I have tried to voice these concerns to DH he doesn't want to hear it. In his mind SS is the perfect child and I just have to accept the BM. 

futurobrillante99's picture

You said, "I have tried to disengage but when I do DH calls me on it, yet I am not allowed to make any comments on dear BM. Apparently she is off limits becasue he is tired of hearing them and she is after all still his sons mother. REALLY She is a WTCW."

Pardon me if I'm snarky, but who the hell does he think he is "calling you on it." Calling someone out is when their behavior is wrong. That child is NOT yours so you have ZERO need to engage. When he bitches about BM inconveniencing him, YOU can call HIM out on his decision to be her doormat.

You have every right to disengage. Tell him to go look in the mirror and call himself out for his choices.

SteppedOut's picture

This. And the whole "not allowed" bs ruffled my feathers up.

OP your husband sounds controlling. 

ndc's picture

Your DH is a hypocrite and not a good partner.  If he has a problem with you disengaging and expects you to be engaged and watch his kid, then he should NOT have a problem with you having input into matters regarding the kid, including pickups and dropoffs that affect you.

purplegirl201's picture

SS finally came down and announced that he was hungry. He asked that I make him perogies, I said I would and I did. While he was eating I ran up to the bathroom ( we only have 1) . The toilet was full of poop and was disgusting. I flushed the toilet and did what I had to do. I then went into our bedroom and noticed the bed was messed up, the sheets were hanging off the bed and there were candy and wrappers all over the floor. Funny...I don't remember eating in bed

I waited for DH to get home and told him that he needs to tell SS that he has to stop taking his phone and or tablet into the bathroom with him becasue it is distracting him from what he has to do. I told him what i found in the bathroom and was told that I only have to flush the toilet, it's that simple. He then said didn't your son or grandson ever not flush, I said yes they did and when they did they were told about it. I said I am simply asking that you say something. He said what good will it do to tell him not to take the phone into the bathroom, we dion't always see him go in. 

I am done. I have tried to step-parent this child that isn't mine but who has been left so many times in my care. I've covered for SS more time than I can count to spare him being yelled out but it doesn't matter, My way is always wrong and DH is father of the century. 


Picardy III's picture

Leaving aside all SS's mess you cleaned up for him ... why would you take time out of your workday to make him pierogies? 10 years old is plenty old enough to prepare his own simple lunch.

purplegirl201's picture

He is not resonsible enough to use the stove and honestly it's easier for me to do it. only took 5 miutes 

Cover1W's picture

But can he not eat a sandwich or other item that does not require stove use?  This is where you really need to disengage; stop doing things. You can make sure that there is food he'll eat that is simple for him to make and then you are done.

purplegirl201's picture

I have forbid him from opening the fridge and touching the food without washing his hands and I asked him 3 times to wash up with no respose just a blank stare.The prince wanted perogies and wasn't eating anything else. 

The hand washing is another issue that I have told DH about with no resolve. 

WarMachine13's picture

No. Give him an apple or orange or banana. Maybe a package of peanut butter crackers. 

Stop being personal chef to the snot.

Cover1W's picture

Regarding the toilet issue - I get it, been there done that...still - you go get your SS and make him flush it and clean it, if needed, on the spot. Unless yourself has an urgent issue. Then give your SS a warning without anger, keep it to the facts; unflushed toilets are dirty and not to be left for others to look at.

My DH does not like me telling him what SDs are/aren't doing and refuses to correct behavior in any meaningful way so I just address the end result clearly and rationally.


purplegirl201's picture

DH overheard me correcting SS for doing something, I forget what it was. He actually told me that I was a little to hard on him and reminded me that he is only a child. This is where our parenting differs. I've raised my own 2 kids 30&21 as well as a 13 year old grandson, I was single parent (widow) so forgive me if SS is to fragile to be told in a hard tone but needs to be pussified.

Gimlet's picture

So you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

If you correct SS like a normal parent, you're too harsh.

If you ask your DH to do it, you're nagging him.

The only option your husband is giving you is shutting up and pretending it's fine.   He sure does like it his way, doesn't he? 

P.S. You've raised successful children.  You know what it takes to do it and yet your husband disregards your opinions, despite your success. 

Cover1W's picture

Exactly.  So  if this is the case, and YES I have BEEN THERE and still am most of the time!!!  It's infuriating. Enough so that I just don't do or say anything regarding parenting.  I will absoultely correct if it's stuff like unflushed toilets, rotting food in rooms, no handwashing before food handling, jumping on furnture, etc. But I keep the corretion neutral and firm. Everything else = DH's problem.

I don't buy special food, replace broken things due to negligence, clothing, fun stuff, tickets or entry fees anywhere, etc, either.

OSD used to refuse (and still does to my understanding) to eat any normal food. DH would buy her smoked salmon, lemon curd, expensive crackers and chips (or she'd eat mine and that I wasn't taking), italian lemon soda (which she'd drink only part of most of the time), fancy chocolate.  Essentially OP's pierogies. 

If she disengages totally I'm predicting the father will not accept that either.  I think this is not a salvagable relationship in the end.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If your SO expects you to provide daycare for his son (while you're working, no less) then he doesn't get to question the manner in which you do it.

Harry's picture

He more afraid of BM then you.  You have tochange that. Making more afraid of you then BM.  
He does not lision to you he gets PB&J for dinner and sleeps on the couch until he learns. His lesson 

tog redux's picture

I hope you will stop accommodating his late pick-ups, let him go on his own. And disengage from helping out SS, DH can do it. You really have to make some changes if you want something to be different. He's not going to do it.