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Lying and....gaslighting?

stepper47's picture

I feel like I complain a lot, maybe because I do.    I am currently sitting at a park because I don't want to be at home. I am not sure where to go with what I am feeling, and then I wonder if I am crazy for feeling this way.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I don't want to seem like a complainer in real life, so here I am again...

DH ended up going to "get something to eat" Monday night and was gone for 3 hours, which I saw on the bank account later he went to a local brewery.  He attempted to apologize for how our anniversary went earlier in the day, but when I was blunt about how I saw it, he shut down and walked away.  He is very good at pretending nothing is wrong, but I know he stuffs it inside.  So we didn't resolve anything on Monday, I just got more aggravated that he ditched me again and went to a bar.

Yesterday he made the meal he was supposed to make on our anniversary and invited me to eat outside with him. He brought up not being sure how to approach the issue between us. I am not even exactly sure what we said, but again I was blunt and factual...and I told him I looked at his phone and saw the text from SD and his typed and not sent reply.  He said it didn't feel right to him that I looked at his phone.....and I said that he has always told me I can look at it whenever because he has nothing to hide. So it is ironic he now has a problem with it because I caught him in a lie.  He admitted he lied about when she texted him, but swears up and down that is not why he cleaned the pool.  At the exact moment she said she wanted to swim the next day.  I told him I don't believe him, that it has been like this for years...him dropping everything to do what SD wants when she snaps her fingers.   I said that I am trying to let that go as it is his business, but when it affects me, like leaving me to finish work he started, I am going to get angry about it. Especially when he lies on top of that.  I ended up leaving the house last night, needed some me time.  We aren't fighting, but we aren't right either.  We have this pattern of, we will talk about things and seem to be on the same page, but when SD turns up he loses all of that and appears to chase after her like a puppy dog.  It makes me feel like less in our marriage, and that is not what I want for myself, or how I think it should be for anyone.

So this morning he had mentioned SS19 wanted his girlfriend to come swim and asked if that was ok. I said sure.   This afternoon I got a text saying DH was going to grill out and SS and his girlfriend said they would eat, but SD16 had to work at 5 so she couldn't.  I did not know SD was included in this, she did not show up to swim Monday, and she has not darkened our door in over a month.  But of course because she is DHs daughter, I am not going to say anything to him about how if we didnt have a pool she would not want to come over and that I don't like being used.  We have a security camera at our front door, and we get phone notifications when there is motion.  I got an alert around 4 that SS had come home, and there was a car parked in front of our house that looked a lot like SDs boyfriend.  An hour and a half later, the camera went off again and it was SD and her boyfriend leaving.  I was late leaving work, but if I had come home at my normal time, I would have been surprised to find SDs boyfriend there.  Our rule has always been, no gfs/bfs at the house without a parent home, in the case of our boys now they are adults and have been with their girlfriends each for a couple years so that has been lifted.  So I dont know if DH knew the boyfriend was coming and concealed it, or if he did not know.....but I am pretty sure if he didnt he will not address it with SD.  So again, she is doing whatever she wants, and I am feeling disrespected and left out of what is going on in my home.  Add all this to the conversation last week when SD brought up that DH told her we were giving her a few thousand dollars for a car next year, makes me feel like things are being hidden.  Someone commented on another of my posts about "back door deals" with the first family, and that is totally what it feels like.  But when I Express my feelings, DH either says he doesnt understand why I would feel that way, or eventually he agrees, says he is sorry and doesnt want to lose me....and then the pattern repeats.   Am I off base, should i concentrate on working on myself to get past all this and let it go?

Thisisnotus's picture

This is so hard, isn't it? I could have written a similar's hard not having control over what goes in YOUR home but I'm started to fear that is just a sad consequence of this horrible thing called blended families.

I had a baby last year....we have skids half the time maybe a 1/3rd in reality since BM always takes DH's there were several days last year  when we didn't "have the kids" and my mother in law would come over un announced with SD because SD needed to get something....and MIL would put her key in the door and they would walk in. I was mother effing LIVID........I was recovering from a c-section and I thought they should knock first or at least call or text and let me know they were coming. I told DH that I thought they should knock.....he was now mad at me saying "SD16 lives here too, why would she knock" "this is her home, too why should she have to knock" Are you kidding me???? point is we do lose that control of our home and have to pick battles we are willing to fight. In your case, maybe try and find a way to disegange from their presence and everything surrounding wants them around whenever and you don't....I totally get that. but you are going to drive yourself crazy (like I do daily) monitering their actions.  I would focus on you, like you said....forget them. Don't let them be the source of your happiness or lack thereof. If they show up...leave...go out with

stepper47's picture

Oh my...first, congratulations on your little one!  I totally relate to you in skids walking in your house unexpectedly, I have posted about that here before.  That is part of what started our downhill slide with SD.  As she became a teenager, suddenly she had the need to drop in every day, sometimes more than once, to grab something.  ,At first, there was no notice, you would just hear the door open.  That may not bother some people, but it did bother me.  I asked DH to have her check with us before doing that, and it turned into a battle with him...she lives here too....well, yes she does, part time.   The other part, I have the expectation that no one will be walking in on me.   Eventually he got it, and asked her to start giving us a heads up first.  He brought it up in a restaurant, and she lost it and cursed him out (she was 13 or 14) saying we don't make her feel welcome here.  I was not there so I don't know what he told her, but I wish he had talked about how it is about being considerate, not being welcome.  After that things were kind of hostile, and BM fed into it by telling SD she was *always* welcome at her house.

You are right on the loss of control in a blended family, and i wish that was something I understood before I got married.  That is the source of my angst, I think.  I was an only child, and I had one child a a single mom for 12 years. I am an introverted, private person, so to have other people in my space and feeling like I have no voice in how things are done or what goes on has been so hard for me.  I had expected that myself and DH would be the authority and make decisions together.  Instead it feels like, while we eventually made it to the point where we can talk and appear to make decisions together, when it comes to his kids I am supposed to stay in my corner if I don't agree, otherwise I have a problem with the fact that he has kids that want to live here (as he said to me last night)   That statement is so upsetting, it's like all the effort and good things I have tried to put in don't even matter.

You are right, I need to separate myself and not let it drive me crazy.  I am really not trying to monitor all their actions, but I am home a lot so I see it.  I have committed to not checking up on his phone though, I was looking at it as trying to verify if my gut feeling was right, but it doesnt even matter and I don't want to be that kind of person.  It comes down to that I don't trust my husband to be honest with me or stand up for me or our household when it comes to his kids.  I am not sure if we are compatible in that way, and it is a big deal in my eyes

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it and hope that your situation has improved!

Thisisnotus's picture

GAH!!!! It is so refreshing to chat with people who get it and understand what I am saying and can relate. I don't know anyone in real life who can relate. Reading your reply is like OMG somebody gets it!!

Having kids part time does mean they cant just walk in on you. And if we are home alone why not knock? For me it was always during the school when sd16 was "sick" so I certainly wasn't expecting anyone to barge in my home at noon on a Monday. It's so rude and MIL allowed it like it's normal......I am also an only child and I raised my 3 kids with my ex but I pretty much called the shots as I stayed home with them.

I also thought my new DH and I would be a united front as parents over my bio kids and his kids....but no never gonna happen.

Like you I don't trust my husband either....but only when it comes to his ex and his kids. Otherwise I trust him.

stepper47's picture

Yesss, girl I am with you!  I am fortunate that my mom has been a SM for years so she does get it to a point, but I try not to dump a lot bc I dont want to share marriage related things that should be between DH and I.  That is why I am so grateful for this site, and people like you Smile do they not see that?  Dh finally got it when I compared it to going in SDs room unannounced.  It's "my house" so I can, but because I respect her privacy and am considerate, I would not.   Has nothing to do with being welcome, other than if I knock or let her know first, she would probably be fine with me coming in.....if I didn't, she would probably feel upset.  And I blame BM mostly, she was the one bringing her over, and the one saying oh SD, you can come to my house ANY TIME!  That's great BM, but 1) you cant tell me what I should be ok with in my house and 2) you are her mom, so you probably feel differently than I do.  Let's just all respect each other, is that too much to ask?!?!

That is a hard thing to accept, that bc our DHs has kids with someone else and has an inability to go against their opinions and wants, we will never call the shots in our homes.  I feel like do not do well with that.  And what really stinks is that I felt like DH and I had made progress together over the last year, but it feels wiped away with the events of the last few days.  I think my DH is a great person, I know he has his own struggles just like I do.  I just don't know if being able to trust in "everything but" is going to work

RisingtheWave80's picture

I feel for you, the only saving grace I have is DH wouldn't lie to me or withhold information. I am sorry you are dealing with this and while his relationships with his children matter, they will be grown and gone soon enough and then what? If he does not prioritize you over his kids (who are grown or almost grown, meaning they don't need a WHOLE lot of parenting at this point in their life) and lets anything go in your combined home, there is an issue here. I have been struggling to with how much do I hold onto and how much do I make a "thing".  Obviously his apologies are not sincere  because his behavior/words/actions  repeat and without changed behavior their is no real apology outside of temporarily satisfying you. I think you deserve and need to be respected in your home and making "back door deals" with the kids after you have expressed your feelings is disrespectful. If he doesn't want to agree to your concerns then he shouldn't be doing it at all, even if it "shuts you up" for the time being.

stepper47's picture

Yes exactly, I struggle a ton over what really is a big deal, I often question whether most people would be upset by the things that bother me most. I feel like I am different than a lot of people, always have, in that I worry a ton and I have a lot of anxiety.  To try to control that, I need plans and communication, and I like my household to be run a certain way.  I know that's my preference and I cant expect DH to go by everything I want.  I am willing to put in the work to compromise. But I do expect that he would do his best to support me and compromise also.  In most cases I see it, but when it comes to skids, especially his daughter, it seems to go out the window, and then he acts like I am the one with the problem and it shouldn't be a big deal.  Which maybe to some people, whatever it is wouldn't be....but obviously to me it is.....and when we have talked about it before and he claims to understand and that it is important to him to be supportive, when he throws it back in my face it makes me feel terrible.  And then to find out his answer to avoiding upsetting me is to hide things and lie...that is not going to work.  I am really questioning what is real and what is not and that is not a good feeling.  I am not sure how to resolve this

Thank you for your response and support.  Hope all is well over your way!

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H lying is a big deal, your H gaslighting you is a big deal, your H's lack of respect and consideration of you is a big deal. You don't trust him and he has proven it by saying one thing and not following through. He yes's you until he's blue in the face KNOWING that he will revert back to doing what he wants because "you'll get over it".

When does this end? Do you have to do something drastic in order for him to realize that you are FED up?

stepper47's picture

This is exactly how I feel....we reached this point last year where I was ready to go. The difference between now and then is that we have gone to counseling, we were both able to see each others perspectives and in thought we had reached an understanding.   He had started being a little less overly accommodating to skids and a little more accommodating to honoring what we set for our home.  Then things blew up with SD, she moved out and has been hateful. I see him reverting back to the over accommodating, and I know it's out of fear.   I feel for him, he is in a tough spot.  But he also helped create it by allowing his daughter to learn that she can run things.  He wants to avoid conflicts, so he withholds and lies.  Should I ask him to get counseling on his own? Should I move out for a while? Is this fixable, or a personality flaw that is not going to change? I am not sure what that step is.  But you nailed what I am thinking right on the head

stepper47's picture

I don't have any reason to believe that he is....but anything is possible if he can't tell me the truth about his daughter asking to come swim....

Siemprematahari's picture

Suggesting he see a therapist may help sort out some of his guilting parenting. At the end of the day something has to change and if he's not willing to stop accommodating his children's rude behavior you're going to have to decide what you can accept & live with under these circumstances. You can't continue to leave the ball in his court and see if he takes action (because he doesn't).

You're going to have to step up and make a decision that may or may not snap him out of his Disney Dad BS.

Rags's picture

Time for the zero tolerance dictate firmly delivered.  Tell DH that if he ever again back doors anything with the first family that he and his shallow and polluted gene pool are purged from your life permanently.  Anything related to the first family should first be discussed with the spouse.  That is what equity life partnership is about.  It is about partnership, comminication and putting each other above all else and anyone else.

Back dooring is dishonest, it is manipulative and it is betrayal.

I would not tolarate it and I would make the consequeces for it so unpleasant that the choice to do it again would be fatal to the betrayer as far as continuing as a part of my life.  If there are joing children involved, the betrayer would be confined firmly to compliance with a CO after the betrayer was purged from my life.

I respect myself too much to tolerate that kind of crap.

Good luck.