Fed up!

stay or go's picture

PLease help. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so frustrated with my DH who lets my SS RUN ALL OVER HIM. This kid is an A$$ and gets away with everything and my husband always tells me I'm over reacting. He's 17, uses drugs, drinks in his room, deals drugs and you name it. Lost more jobs than I can count and always has an excuse. Does no homework, chores or anything. I am so sick of living like this I just want to leave. My husband won't do anything about him and says he's just a teenager. He is always telling me I over react and need to calm down. I say I'm tired of cleaning for, feeding and spending my money on an ungrateful kid who wants "to be left alone". His bedroom is absolute filth. He lives with us full time because his mom kicked him out for his behavior then she texts him all the time and encourages him from the other side. She's wanting him to pull all this while at our house to make us miserable. She doesn't care that this kid is endangering himself and others. 

I am so sad that our five year marriage is in dire jeopardy because of this selfish kid. He's got an attitude the size of Texas and thinks he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. We have had to install cameras in the house and a ring door bell because we were suspicious he dealing from the house. He is VERY sketchy and I don't trust him at all. He lies about everything. I seriously cannot stand to be in the same house with him. What do I do? I love my husband but this is too much to handle. He keeps "threatening" to move out when he's 18 because we have rules but the kid can't even feed himself. How's he gonna move out?? That's 9 months from now and I just don't know if I can hold on.

My husband and I fight all the time because of SS and I don't think we will ever agree. I don't want to cause any strain on their relationship but I can't hold my tongue. I try and hlold it in only to lose it and blow up. My health is suffering terribly from trying to hold it in. I have developed Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, gianed 80 pounds and cracked several teeth from night grinding because of the stress. I cry on a daily basis. Why are fathers so afraid to do anything when it comes to their kids?? I am at my wits end. Any help would be so appreciated.

futurobrillante99's picture

The problem isn't your stepson - your problem is your husband. He is an enabler and doesn't respect you the way a spouse should. He is sacrificing your sanity, peace and health to avoid parenting and being the "bad guy."

 

tog redux's picture

If you have the money to move out, do so - not divorce, just live separately until SS is gone.  In the meanwhile, stop cleaning, cooking and spending your money on him.  Split up finances if need be, so that none of your money goes to him.

Maybe then DH will get the picture? If not, you will not have lost much.  A good husband would care about your feelings and needs in this situation

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Point out to your DH there is the possibility that if SS is arrested for dealing drugs out of your house that your house could be seized as well.

Quit doing anything for SS - no cooking, no laundry, no cleaning. (Close the door to his bedroom and don't think about it.) Separate your finances from DH and don't spend a cent of your money on SS.

Start seeing a therapist just for yourself. A good therapist should be able to give you some coping mechanisms and should be able to help you figure out if you should stay or go. You should not ruin your health to save your marriage.

Curious Georgetta's picture

husband. The problem is your inability to make a decision that is in your best interest.

You know all of the facts. All of the players in this drama have been consistent and stayed in character.

You cannot fix any of these people. You however can change your response. You can decide to stay and accept what is going on in your home, or you can move out until or if something changes.

To date, none of these people have given any indication that they wish to change, but they are not holding you hostage. 

It is you that is chosing to remain in that environment. You are making the decision to stay and continue to experience whatever medical problems. You own that decision .

hereiam's picture

What kind of man are you married to? He lets his 17 year old son do drugs, drink, deal drugs and says, "he's just a teenager"?

Rags's picture

So drop by the police station one day and have a talk with them about  your criminal SS.  Let the authorities give both your SS and DH clarity.  Once he is in the system it will be much easier to get him out of your home.

Just share the facts with the police, all of the facts, and step aside to let the fur fly.

Major Blunder's picture

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

SS is involved in crimnal actitvity, it is your right to live in a crime free home and a civic duty to report a crime.

Merry's picture

Your SS is an a$$ because your DH is a sh!t parent. No rules, no boundaries, no expectations. It's no wonder your SS is doomed to fail. He has no clue how to live a decent life.

You are ruining your health. It seems pretty clear that nothing is going to change and your DH isn't going to step up to the parenting plate. So figure out what you need to do to save your health and your sanity. For myself, I couldn't live with what you are dealing with. I'd have to move out until either the SS moved out or the marriage was over. My health and sanity are much more important than anything else, including marriage to a man who won't ensure a safe and healthy home.

That, and find yourself a therapist to help you sort out what you need to save yourself from SS and his lazy father.

Siemprematahari's picture

Whenever your health is in jeopardy you have to take any and all measures to remove yourself from whatever is harming you and take care of yourself. I'd suggest counseling with H and to have a serious talk with him on how this is affecting your health. If he doesn't take any steps to remedy the situation you have your answer on you know where he stands and what you have to do to take care of yourself.