18-year-old stepdaughter thinks she is grown
hi all. my stepdaughter turned 18 a week ago and she thinks she can do all of these grown-up things. Technically she legally can, but it is unwise, because She also has Raging ADHD, and is about mentally 13 years old and emotionally 13 years old. She canceled the high school checking bank account that I was on with her and moved all her money so we cannot see it. She is saying she's going to apply for credit card. She told my husband that she doesn't want help with her doctors appointments. so I told my husband She will be the one paying the fee if she misses the appointments. She told my husband that I yell at her because the dog eats her things because she leaves things all over the floor. I do not yell at her. I have never yelled at her. I do yell at the dog though. She also said that I go through her stuff. That is untrue. I do open her door every day when she is gone because she leaves her bedroom light on and her closet light on so I open the door to turn the lights off. But I do not snoop through her stuff. I do not have time to do this, as I have a toddler and a baby myself. She also has no accountability for the incredible mess she makes. And my husband just doesn't worry about it. It doesn't bother him living in filth. so I'm being accused of some things that are untrue and of course my husband also has ADD, and he sides with his daughter, my stepdaughter. There's really no way to win this when my husband is not on my side and we are not a united front. The saving grace is that she should be moving to a family members house in about six months for community college. I just don't know how to handle her in the meantime. And I don't know how to handle my husband believing her over me.
She sounds like a psin
Thank goodness she will be gone in 6 months.
Don't handle her. Let her
Don't handle her. Let her move out, train wreck her life bc that's what she wants to do, and change the locks so she can't come back wreaking havoc after derailing her self by ignoring wise life lessons
As far as 'snooping' ... um unless you're snooping on her in the bathroom where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy, imo these kids (who pay no bills and that we adults have to be responsible for their actions) have no privacy like that.
I let my kid know I do random room checks, random, phone checks, etc and if they don't like it then they can get jobs, be responsible for themselves and have ALL the privileges and privacy their money can buy
SD is 18 with all the I'm an
SD is 18 with all the I'm an adult now feelings that many, if not most, kids get whether they are step or bio. Some of this is normal - wanting an account that is not joint with a parent, wanting to go to the doctor by themself.
DH needs to sit her down and explain that adult means adult responsibilities. She is 18 and doctor bills will no longer come in the parent name. She's responsible for copays and missed appointment fees. She's has her own bank accounts. She needs to keep track of her expenses and not overdraw. She's responsible for her own budget.
SD can apply for a credit card, but that does not mean that she will get one. Unless someone co-signs, one usually needs an income to receive the card. (DH should tell her that he's not signing.)
The senior year of high school is stressful for those with bios and steps. Many turn 18 and get the I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do virus. Some of it you have to let go of. Some of it is worth fighting. DH and you need to sit down and decide which is which for your home.
Yes to all of this.
Yes to all of this.
But there is still the "You will abide by my rules as long as I support you and you live under my roof (even tangently at college).
I would be fine with the financial and medical steps she wants to take towards freedom(except the credit card.. we all know that isn't a great idea).. dad needs to set some ground rules on all of that.. she can handle those things.. as long as she isn't expecting him to bail or or support her. For medical bills.. if she is still under his insurance.. and he would otherwise still pay her medical costs.. she will have to be open about the ones that she is willing to share details if she expects to be reimbursed.. and she also has to understand that if she isn't forthcoming.. or if she misses appointments and is charged.. THOSE will be on her.
This is all somewhat depending on whether she actually has a job.. so some income to pay the penalties.. because otherwise.. it will be tough to hold her to making payments with no income right?
Also.. she is under that roof? well.. that means she lives by house rules.. including curfews and rules of having guests.. etc..
maybe think about installing those light switches that go off automatically.. so you don't have to open her door. Otherwise.. make your husband check.. and turn them off.. maybe a penalty for leaving them on(which you can probably tell even if door is shut..).. and she pays 5 dollars for each time.. it comes off her allowance.. whatever..
TIme to let her crash and
TIme to let her crash and burn. The "I'm 18 and an adult. I can do what I want." lessons are important. Make sure she lives the lesson.
These kids need the "Not in this house you can't" model. If they act like infants, treat them as infants. Follow them around making them pick up after themselves. "Adults" or not.
And the "yelling" when a voice is never raised. My wife had this problem. If interface is not complementary, she would often label it as "yelling" . So, when she was talking about her day and said something about being yelled at, I would ask if the client/coworker/boss/clerk/etc... raised their voice. Invariably the answer is no. So I would tell her that she was not yelled at.
Over the years after I started calling her out on being "yelled" at, she has toned it way back. Though it does upon occassion resurface.
For some reason a number of people think correction or disagreement is yelling. So, next time she claims you yelled at her, stand her and daddy face to face to you and say. "I never have yelled at you. I ask you to do XYZ & LMNOP. I do not yell.. For companrison "THIS IS YELLING!!!!! See the difference? Now, Miss adult thing. Stop behaving like and infant and I will stop treating you as one. Now go pick up the shit that you spread all over the house. NOW! And yes, I yelled the word NOW!"
Do not tolerate ADD daddy and ADHD infant SKidult spawn and their crap. Just because they are ADD or ADHD does not mean that standards of behavior and standards of performance do not apply.
In 6mos when she moves out to go to CC at the relatives house, re-key the locks. Then when she has nowhere to go during spring break, or whatever, tell her "You are an adult. Figure it out." Reminding her that you are not yelling.
One of the strongest lessons I received from my parents as a young adult was the second Spring Break of my university career when they cut me off. I had about $50 dollars to last me that 9days. The campus dining halls were closed, and the dorms were closed. I had to figure it out. I worked with resident services to be able to stay in my dorm room for the week, I had filled up my gas tank and took my $50 to the grocery store and bought some basics. I wore cargo pocket fatique pants with 1Gal zip lock bags in each pocket and went to an all you can eat buffet off campus on Friday before campus closed down and harvested 5lbs of food over several hours of apparent gorging at the buffet.
I had a small microwave, a hot plate, and small refrigerator in my room. It was a cold week as they turned down the heat in the dorm since no-one was supposed to be resident. They also shut off the elevators. I hiked a lot of stairs that week.
Sometimes kidults need firm lessons on "welcome to adulthood" that are driven by parents who need to make a point.
I got the message.
Get her to move out
Change the door locks, She will never come back to your home because if the disrespect. Towards you. Now it's not your problem. Open up a bank account in your name only. Any moneys DH gives SD. A equal amount goes into your bank account.
SD will crash a burn. Most likely her hold life,
I was 18 once, still living
I was 18 once, still living with my mother. She treated me like an adult but I still had to follow her rules as long as I lived under her roof. She owned the roof I was sleeping under, she paid for the electricity I was using and the water I was using. She bought the food, she owned all the appliances. Her house, her rules. Let the stepdaughter take control of her finances. That's actually a good thing. If she screws it up, it needs to be on her to fix it though.
I am stuck at
Big daddio is not on the same page as you . He takes her side.
Many disney daddios do this, but that doesnt make it right.
So because big daddio does not back you up, you need to do it all by yourself, cause its your house too. You are SD's elder and if she is an adult she knows damn well she needs to respect you.
IMHO I would talk directly to SD. Many say let the bio parent handle it. Many do and the outcome is not a good one.
Tell Miss Adult SD that if she has a problem with you she takes it up with you. Tell her she is a coward for going to daddio and lying that you yell. Tell her your expectations and what she needs to do to keep a harmonious home.
Never let a skid get the upper hand with big daddio. It gives them power. You are the queen so take that power right where it belongs, to you!
BLESSINGS