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Resented by stepdaughter

Teamdhb120's picture

My husband has a 14 year old DD that he met when she was 6 years old. We were newly married and had a 5 year DS of our own at the time (we were not together when DSD was born). Things integrated well over the years until recently when it was revealed that she has been harboring jealously and resentment towards me and her brother.

Her mother is disabled (slowing losing vision and hearing) and moves every six months. She lives off disability and child support. When her mom moved again a few months ago, DSD came to live with us so she wouldn’t have to change schools again. She and her mother are very close and she relies on DSD for assistance. BM also has an adult daughter and grandchildren that live with her and help.

So DSD was mostly with us on school days and had dance class twice a week. My DH took her to her mom on weekends. She’s going through I guess a lying stage and tells petty lies. It was so irritating one night that I told her to go to bed. She went to her room, called her mom and told her that I cursed her out and told her to go the “F” to bed. So while we were all sleeping, BM sent her adult daughter to our house to get DSD. We woke up the next day and didn’t know at first that she was gone until DH checked her room. Our house was left unlocked too.

DH called BM and that’s when she told him what DSD told her about me. I called DSD’s BM and told her that I didn’t curse but I did tell her to go to bed. BM still believes DSD. Then we found out that she had been complaining and saying that she is not treated fairly. One of her examples was an electronic game we bought for DS for his birthday. Her grievance was that her room at our house needed to be painted and we shouldn’t spend that amount of money ($100) on a game. We gave her $80 for her birthday and took her out to dinner. Her dance lessons are a monthly bill and I make hair appointments for her. Another complaint she had was when she lost her pocket book at my relative’s house. She couldn’t find it so I asked my cousin to put it up for us, which she did and returned a few days later. She told her BM that I wouldn’t let her get her bag and left out the part about it being lost.

So as of now, she is back with BM. They tried to downplay it and say DSD was only upset because I cursed but that’s totally untrue. Dance school is out because she’s too far from us and I was the one taking her back and forth. DH is at work when classes start, BM doesn’t drive and her sister will not keep up the commitment of getting her back and forth. During holidays I collected the kids’ Christmas lists and bought all their stuff. I was thinking of just buying for my own and let DH and BM take care of her things. We run 5k runs together and there’s one coming up next month. I don’t want to sign her up but DH would want her there. I don’t want to do anything for her now which is my dilemma. At some point she will be back and I’m not sure how to interact with her. She will definitely feel slighted for real but what can I do?

skatermom's picture

When they lie about you, it's hard to go back to feeling the same way about them.

I think your ideas are good, buy for your own, don't worry about the dance class and 5k runs. Let DH handle it. I told my SDs, "you can't have it both ways, you can't lie and throw people under the bus, then turn around and expect favors, doesn't work that way"

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this as well. I think at this point, you have known her long enough to have a sit down and explain this to her as well.

Tell her that she is well old enough to understand that life may not always be fair and that she and her brother may not get the exact same thing all the time, but that on average it works out and point out all the things SHE gets that HE doesn't get. Also point out she has another place with her mother and also gets things from her too while your DS only gets things from one family home.

Explain to her that throwing you under the bus was hurtful and she knows the truth and that she can't have it both ways. You can't make me out to be the bad guy to everyone and not expect me to want to avoid doing things with and for you.

I might give her a chance to "do better" only because 14 is a dreadful age and if this was a semi-isolated occurrence I would want her to have a 2nd chance.

Teamdhb120's picture

I agree and I have explained that they can't get everything the same and she gets more from her mom and sisters as well as us. My son takes the trash out every night and we had run out of trash bags. I brought some home and called him upstairs and said I have something for you. She beat him up the stairs because she thought I had a gift for him (so did he) and it was just trash bags! I was just joking. But she keeps account of everything we do for them and I guess she has been doing it for a while now.

Amcc13's picture

Once they lie they are done as far as I am concerned. What lie will she tell next and who will she tell it to? Will she tell it to somoekne outside and get you in trouble???
Disengage- dad handles everything now on. No more dance class. No more hair appointment. No painting the room. No xmas list
Hello goodbye and an extra portion of food if she is there.
Also nanny cams to ensure a means to prove your innocence !

strugglingSM's picture

My SS does this about DH. When something doesn't go his way or when DH tries to parent, he cries, runs off, and calls BM to demand she pick him up (the kid is nearly 12 and we have them EOWE, so this behavior is not acceptable). It's put me off the kid for sure and he's not even saying these things about me. It's difficult to like a manipulative child and difficult to like a child who feels that everyone (including his father) is out to get him. I have mostly disengaged from this kid, because I don't want to get pulled into his drama and because I find his attitude and self-pity so abhorrent.

On another note, it's outrageous that they took the child from your home without saying anything. What if you had called the police to report that she'd been kidnapped?!

Teamdhb120's picture

I was pissed about her sister sneaking her out in the middle of the night. I told BM that there was no emergency and her daughter was not in danger and it could have waited until the morning. They even tried to come back two days later to collect her things when I was home and DH was not. They called him and he told them to turn around and he will bring her stuff. He knew I was not ready to see her.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Uh, anyone sneaking around and in to my house is running the possibility of getting shot.

witch.hazel's picture

Sorry, but she doesn't sound like a very nice girl at all- it really gets me that she actually complained about someone else's birthday present because she thought the money should have been spent on her instead. That says a lot about her character.

And the lying about you? It's happened more than once, and once is enough.

Plus, I'd be scared to death if one of the kids who was supposed to be in my home was missing from their beds in the morning. That's just terrible.

Like it was said above, I guess there will be no one to take her to dance. Maybe BM will have to pay someone to drive her. They should have thought about that before. Kids think that the adults in their lives HAVE to do for them, no matter how they behave. NOPE.

Acratopotes's picture

oh dear - disengage from SD immediately..... she mastered her manipulation game... she's playing you off against BM and she's getting away with it.

Simply disengage and tell DH, you are disengaging cause you do not want to get into trouble or have CPS knocking on your door cause they filed abuse charges, DH is as from today responsible for all SD's needs and lifts and everything, you are not going to do a thing for her and she's not allowed to be at your house if DH is not there, there's no way you will be alone with this girl ever again....

If DH gets home an hour after you, SD can stay up in her room for that hour, invest in some nanny cams to record everything if there's no other way then you and SD being alone for an hour or so.

RST's picture

"When they lie about you, it's hard to go back to feeling the same way about them"

This is so true, since I've read the excellent advice on this site I've started to disengage from SD, I feel so much better and closer to my SO, she's not a topic of conversation now as I won't discuss her and he finally gets it. She too misses out on activities with me but it's tough.

Anna21's picture

I hate to say it but she will only get worse and for your own sanity and safety, disengage from this kid now. Little lies turn into bigger lies and then perhaps stealing from you. Step daughters in general are jealous of their step mothers certainly from my own experience and all that I have read on this site. My SD started with little things like lies and hiding my reading glasses all the time (I got contacts so that put an end to that LOL) then it escalated to her telling BM I had stolen her phone and BM called the police to charge me with theft. She was 15 that year. At 16 she then stole some jewelry from me, she only took the pieces that DH had gotten me. DH tackled her on that and she handed it over. I had to have a safe put into the wall in my closet! After accusing me of stealing her phone I disengaged completely. We tolerate each other now that she is 19 but I don’t spend any time with her other than the annual birthday dinner. I hope I have not overly alarmed you but little lies to get you in trouble are a big red flag.

Teamdhb120's picture

I'm afraid this will escalate too if she stays with us. She's been harboring these feelings for a while and I think the short time she was here made it worst. She likes to low-key antagonize my DS. I thought it was typical sibling stuff but now I think it's jealousy. He said she's always telling him that he's spoiled. I never wanted her to feel left out and I always tried to keep things even. As they got older and their interest changed - he likes electronics and she likes dance - they like different things. There's nothing unfair about that. At this point I'm done worrying about all that. DH and BM will take care of all her needs. I was probably doing too much anyway which might be why she resents me.