Does my boyfriend's daughter have too much power?
I'm not a stepparent but for five months I've been dating a man I adore and who I can see having a future with, more than anyone else I've been with. He has a 17 year old daughter who has a hard time accepting me. Background information: Daughter's mom (and BF's wife at the time) died by suicide when she was 5. A couple of years later BF got involved with, and eventually bought a house with his girlfriend. GF became increasingly emotionally abusive over the course of their seven year relationship and daughter was traumatized. My BF and his daughter moved out two and a half years ago and now live in a house he bought in my neighborhood. I realize daughter has been through a lot but she seems to be calling the shots. BF is trying to be a good dad and put his daughter first. He'll spend one night a week at my house but I'm currently not allowed to spend any nights at his house, due to his daughter not feeling comfortable with the idea. This weekend BF invited me to have dinner on Friday and then afterwards I'll go home because daughter doesn't want me there overnight. She's fine with BF staying at my house on Saturday since she wants to have a friend over and wants the place to herself. What I'm looking for is a reality check. I've never been seriously involved with someone with a kid. I realize this particular kid has dealt with and is still dealing with trauma. I've had a good conversation with her, at my invitation, regarding her concerns and she told me she's afraid of losing her dad, as she felt like she did with his last relationship. I thought it was wonderful that she was able to express herself and felt like I was being supportive of her concerns and reassuring that I wasn't looking to take her dad away from her. I like her and we both (seem) to enjoy each other when we are together, although sometimes she hangs onto her dad when I'm around in ways that make me uncomfortable. (He tells me she doesn't do that when I'm not around so I figure it's a territorial thing). She has told her dad that she likes me when she sees me but when he mentions her in my absence she gets a sick feeling in her stomach. I would like to spend more time with her but she's shot down BF's idea of me coming over for dinner on the same night each week. When we all make plans, such as going for a hike or kayaking, she often backs out. I also realize Covid is making everyone more stressed as all our options are more limited. To put it bluntly, I guess I'm not comfortable with the idea of BF having to negotiate our sex life with his daughter. I know he feels like he screwed up with the last relationship and is trying to make it up to her. Maybe I'm asking too much for only having been with him for five months and I'm trying to be an adult here but I'm not sure how, other than to support my BF's decisions but to also let him know that I'd like to move forward to some degree. If you have any advice at all I would truly appreciate it. I really don't want to screw this up. Thanks.