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Distancing himself from his kids. Has anyone else made this decision?

HandOverMyMouth's picture

I'm curious if anyone has made the decision (as a couple of because of an ultimatum) to not have their SKs over anymore.

SKs 11 and 13 are showing so many signs other their mothers manipulative, dishonest and using behaviors that I think their father is at the point where he resents them and, frankly, couldn't care less if they come over anymore.

Habitual behaviors include:

-Lying. Mostly to me, but regularly. They lie even if the truth serves them better (about big things and small), and have never once come clean when called out.

-Disrespecting our home. After being lightly disciplined for a cell phone-related infraction one weekend, the oldest has since magically forgotten how to flush the toilet. In addition, they do not clean up after themselves, and we have even found *fucking boogers* smeared on our fucking walls where they sit on the sofa. They have been caught spitting multiple times over the railing into the hallway of the apartment, and have knocked on our neighbors door and ran; lying about what they did.

-Snooping/sneaky behavior. They take phone calls from their mother in the locked bathroom, but not anyone else. I once turned around to find the oldest had gotten up off of the sofa and was silently standing behind me reading my texts over my shoulder; I'm not aware for how long. We have caught them trying to slyly flip through stacks of bills and papers. One evening, I woke up at 2:15am to hear the oldest on the cell phone talking about me, reporting my behavior and actions. He stayed on the phone an hour before I loudly woke their dad up and he heard me and hung up. I woke up again at 4am to hear him back on the phone. When their dad demanded to know who he was on the phone with the next day, he wouldn't say; and since the phones are in BMs name, their dad didn't feel he could confiscate it.

-Using. When I say we ONLY hear from them for money or a ride, I mean it. Their dad will text them during the week, and may get a one word response, if any. We have repeatedly asked to be invited to sports events, but never are, and hear about how awesome the game was when they come over next. They will ask for money in person and (after being told no) will text later asking again. Their mother gets over $1k/month in support and makes about $45k a year, and their father believes BM has told them to get whatever they can out of us based on some comments they have made showing knowledge about our income only their mother would know. In addition, someone has taught them they can get whatever they don't have by asking. For example, when they saw a sports car they liked, their dad said they'd need to work hard one day to get one. They said back, verbatim, "our rich uncle will buy us one." Those words. They certainly did not get this delusional sense of entitlement from our house.

When you add it all up, their dad is sick of it and is clearly growing resentful. He told me tonight he plans on telling BM that he cannot take them our next scheduled weekend. He doesn't trust them and feels he's been played by his own kids.

Has anyone else's SO (or the two of you) made the decision to distance themselves from their kids?

HandOverMyMouth's picture

BM lives one street over from us.

I kid you not: one street. She used to live 10 minutes away, but after getting our new address from the attorney generals office, she broke their lease and moved walking distance from us.

As obnoxious as that is, in a twisted way I'm glad she's in the picture...because the alternative would be us having full custody, and I'd be forced to lobotomize myself with a fork to cope.

CommittedMomma's picture

There are much better ways of holding children responsible for their actions than not seeing them. Taking the cell phone away while they are at your house is a good place to start.

CommittedMomma's picture

I have, and I stand by my statement that there are better ways to hold children responsible than withholding visits. Discipline would be a good start. Then maybe some family therapy. Sometimes a child feels unloveable so they push parents away to see if they will give up on them.

If my SS is talking, there is a good chance he is lying. I love him anyway. Sometimes that means I can't engage him in anything extra that day but I haven't given up. He is still developing!

CommittedMomma's picture

No and I couldn't respect my husband if he did walk away from his children, no matter how awful they are.

IslandGal's picture

I agree 100% with my DH regarding SD not coming over to visit our home any longer. She is toxic and has a nasty attitude. No way in hell, would I allow ONE KID with that attitude, who will then infect the entire household and disrupt everyone else. She has a BM who supports her attitude, and they are welcome to eachother.

I would lose respect for my DH if he continued to allow her to manipulate him, control him and walk all over him. No thank you. I love it when he stands up to BM and SD who have tried to walk all over him (and succeeded) for far too long.

Taking away her cell phone? Hah! That'd be usesless 'cos she's only with us every 2nd weekend, so none of that shit works with this one. She cares nought if she lost anything because she plays the victimm to such an extent, that BM or one of her heifer mates will probably replace it the very next day.

Better for all of us for her to stay the hell away until she realises that she is the daughter and not the partner/wife/mother in our relationship.

Our home is peaceful without it. She is more than welcome to return when her attitude changes and she realises that she's not entitled to everything better than the other kids.

HandOverMyMouth's picture

That is exactly my concern. It's naive not to consider the possibility that they do these things willingly and voluntarily. Their mother has them the majority of the time; no matter what example we set, it would be next to impossible to undo the exposure to her.

HandOverMyMouth's picture

What you suggested is pretty much what he is considering doing: not just bailing out, but flat-out saying to them "you will show respect for us and this home or you will not be welcome here anymore; and if you are caught going through bills/files EVER again, it will be seriously regretted."

In my opinion, they are old enough to know right from wrong, because they lie to cover their asses and jump 3ft when they've been caught rifling through personal paperwork. That tells us they are well aware what they are doing. It's a nice idea to say "they're 100% innocent, it's their mothers doing", but I think by 11 and 13 you know better and are old enough to be told to stop.

You are right that counseling would never be permitted. I guess we will just see how it goes after he talks to them.

I get that kids misbehave...but phone calls with mom in a locked bathroom, reading my text messages and snooping through financial paperwork? Not normal and unacceptable.

120474's picture

Sounds like this is what is happening in my family right now. My SSs are 8 and 12, and the 12 year old has decided that he no longer wants to come over....he does not like the fact that we (his dad and I) require him and his brother to be respectful....to each other, us, and anyone who enters our home. For the past week, the 12 year old would not speak with his dad over the phone or even text him. My husband (in an effort to resolve the problem) drove over to the mother's home to confront his children. When he arrived, the 12 year old told him that he (my husband) had changed over the past year, and that he did not want to be over at our house anymore because they (he and his brother) could not do whatever they wanted. Kids running the parent. So...what is the dad to do? As a child from a broken home, I HATED going to my father's home every other weekend...but I went...out of respect for him...trying to make him happy and wanting to be my dad (my mom raised me to ALWAYS respect my elders...and anyone for that matter). Did not work...my childhood was misserable and all I wanted to do was grow up. So, do you allow the children to make their own decision and pull away as their parent, or do you force the issue, be the parent, and make them spend time with you....when they really do not want to? Taking away the XBOX, cell phone, computer....has not worked.... I have no clue! All I know is that i feel as if I am reliving my childhood all over again....and it is making me wonder if it is all worth it?? I love the boys...and want them around, but not if they are going to run wild and disrespect my husband, my home, my family and me. What's right/what's wrong? I believe in fighting....I encourage him not to give up...but when you don't have backup by the BM....what can you do when you see them only 4 days a month?

ENuff's picture

You are preaching to my choir !!! That is a helpless feeling ~ knowing you are doing all you can to help them n everything you do falls on deaf ears.
That's when I look at the BM and wonder what goes on in your house ??? Do you speak to your daughter with complete n utter disrespect n that's where she gets it from. Or are you too consumed with your life to care ~ cause believe me this kid will have such a hard time dealing with society.

When you figure it out plz let me know.

My SD is 19 n believes the world pivots around her.

Orange County Ca's picture

Usually a kid like this will sooner or later make the statement that he doesn't want to visit any longer. Often its a result of discipline being applies that s/he is not used to.

Its the perfect opportunity to say "sure" and Daddy takes the kid to Mommy telling the kid that s/he's welcome back anytime s/he can behave. Hug (kiss) and in the front door s/he goes and that's the end of visitation until the kid volunteers.

Of course Mommy has to be told and since she'll think she "won" there won't be a problem. Almost every kid returns in time and is much changed for the better. You see by Daddy "dropping out" all of the kids power is removed and when they come back they're in effect begging. This method works wonders if Daddy can stand to be without his kids.