Kids Asking For Money
I feel like this could easily be under "Mentally Unfit Bio Parent" or the "Teens" categories as well, but hopefully this section is ok. I will try to be concise.
Background: stepkids are 10 and 13. Live with their mother. We have your standard every other weekend visitation. Their parents were never married and and split up when the youngest was a baby.
Against their dads wishes, both have smart phones with no restrictions. Despite their father trying to text and call them during the week, he rarely hears back.
Their mother has a well-established history of irresponsibility, manipulation, "using" behaviors and money mismanagement. She has ZERO shame and openly seeks handouts. These habits appear to be rubbing off on the two kids.
We had the SKs last weekend, and BM went out of town. After returning them, the 13 year old texted their dad the next morining, saying "Dad, we need money for food. Mom doesn't have any the next two weeks." and a link to an account...essentially, "put the money I (the child) am demanding from you (the adult) here."
Keep in mind:
A) she recieves *over $1,000/month* in support.
her car is paid off
C) she has a job pulling in easily $45k/year.
Clearly, she blew her paycheck partying over the weekend and wont be getting paid for two weeks.
Since the text was totally out of left field and inappropriate, he ignored it until he could text BM. She had some sob story, and he was not buying it; refusing to give her money. We decided we would go get groceries and take them over....at 9pm on a weekday night.
Upon our arrival, the oldest came down to get the groceries. He looked right at us and said "thanks...can I have some money, though?"
We were totally flabbergasted, and neither of us had any on us. Fast forward to today, and the oldest texted asking for cash again, this time saying "what should I do about that money I asked you for?"
This has not happened so directly until now, but we definitely see a pattern emerging of "if-we-don't-have-something-someone-can-give-it-to-us." As I mentioned above, we never hear a peep from them during the week...unless they need a ride or, now, money. In addition, they both play sports, and we have been asking them repeatedly to let us know when games are; which never happens.
We hate to be so cynical, but their dad is starting to feel like they have learned only to come around or reach out when they need something; behavior their mother would surely encourage. Their dad also has been suspecting they may be snooping and has also indicated he had a feeling they could escalate to taking things from our home.
I guess I'm just looking for some insight. My gut feeling is they are using us because they know we feel guilty about what a nincompoop their mother is. We know she habitually plays people, and that's how we are starting to feel as well. I wouldn't want anyone *else* I felt was using me in my home, and that's kind of how I'm starting to feel here.
That is bad, if dad thinks
That is bad, if dad thinks his own kids might have sticky fingers in the future.
The whole suspicion thing
The whole suspicion thing began about a month ago when they were acting shady as hell one weekend. We caught one of them snooping through bills, the other on the phone at 4am with someone, one trying to read my texts over my shoulder...and both of them locking themselves in the bathroom to take calls from their mom, something they'd never done.
It definitely put us on alert, but we didn't really talk about it. In the following weekends when they'd come over, I noticed him locking up bills and jewelry, as well as moving my purse from the kitchen table to our closet.
He finally flat out said it the other night: "I keep waiting for something to go missing." His fears aren't unfounded, as their mother stole from him frequently when they used to date. That, combined with the asking for money and sneaky behavior must have led him to the conclusion they could escalate to taking things
I got sick to my stomach
I got sick to my stomach reading your post. I feel for you, I understand. It has been many years for me since dealing with young skids. They are adults today, but your post brought me back. I sometimes feel that some bios read the same book. Things have not changed so much in twenty some years, except in today's day you are much more accessible to them. In the eighties I had a land line and no answering machine...I feel your pain.
Your problem is two fold. On the one hand, kids ask for money, that part is normal. My skids did, and my bios did too. Leachy little bast---s they can be. On the other hand the mothers lack of discipline and her carelessness is what they have learned. If they get money from you they have to earn it somehow....You may feel used, but they also could know that you are the responsible parents. They will know they cannot count on her.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. My DH and I had the braces, the school activity costs, medical bills, spending money, and bio made sure we had the most expensive items on our Christmas list every year. It is hurtful.
Thank you :-/ What bothers me
Thank you
What bothers me the most is seeing how it hurts their dad. He will call or text all week long and get a one word response, if any...but the second they want money or a ride, they blow him up. We've told them a million times to please let us know when their games are, which he would love to be there for, but they never do. It's like they only reach out to him when they want something. There could be an element of their mother guilting them into excluding him, but we can't be sure.
He was saying the other night how he feels if he stopped doing nice things for them (shopping trips without a thank you, money, etc) he would stop hearing from them all together
"Against their dads wishes,
"Against their dads wishes, both have smart phones with no restrictions. Despite their father trying to text and call them during the week, he rarely hears back."
Same here! Its the worst! And then SD says "i was busy" as to why she didnt call yet the phone is attached to her and she's on it 24/7!
Have you confronted the kids
Have you confronted the kids about them using you and your DH?
I feel really bad for those
Who knows exactly what or how Mom spends money. Yes, she should manage her money better and groceries should be there as a top priority. To be fair...$45,000 per year is not a lot of money to support two children even with the support, however again Mom should budget better. I think it would be cruel to allow the kids to suffer and ignore the request. If they really need things, then they will hate Dad for not helping. I think giving them groceries vs money was the right thing. If things get worse, then you may need to seek custody because they shouldn't go without basics that BioMom is to provide as primary caregiver. My two cents.
Time to share the facts with
Time to share the facts with the Skids. Dad gives BM $1000/mo for her to be able to feed, clothe and house them. The Skid should ask BM for the money.
Until the idiot bottom 10%er morons of the legal profession who tend to go to work in family law catch a clue and start requiring an accounting of how CS is spent the only answer an NCP can reasonably have for this kind of crap is ... “ask the CP”. Share the facts. Show the Skids the CO and the CS award and the CSE statements showing how much DH has paid and how much BM has blown.
Though we were the CP household I would have had no problem with any number of audits regarding the use of the pittance of CS the Sperm Idiot was supposed to pay. He never paid a dime. Not one penny in 16+ years under a CO. Even when we invoked direct payroll withholding from his pay checks Sperm Grandma would give him the money that was withheld from his paychecks. It used to drive Sperm Grandpa to slobbering apoplexy that his wife was paying for their idiot son's 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas.
When my SS would come home from Sperm Land visitation with the latest Sperm Grandma sob story about how having to pay his CS was taking food out of the mouths of his younger half sibs and how it was not fair that he had nice things and they didn’t' and how his Step Dad was rich (no mention of my DW and her dual major BS with honors, MBA with honors and very lucrative CPA career) and they should not to pay CS, waaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
We would show SS the court order and the CSE statement so how little the Sperm Clan paid as their share of his support. We also shared the spreadsheet showing the bills including our house payment, our utilities, the cost of our cars, his afterschool care, sports teams’ costs, costs of his musical instruments, school taxes or tuitions, etc...... SS had a very clear understanding in an age appropriate manner of the facts of how little CS was paid and how much his mom and I paid to provide the life that we lived as a family.
When they started taking the cash we would give him as travel money for Sperm Land visitation and use it to fill up their gas tanks or take all of them out for a meal we started giving him a debit card instead. We would transfer all money out of that account as soon as he called us that Sperm Grandma had picked him up from the airport or we would have no money in that account unless he got stuck during travel in which case we would transfer money on to the debit card account.
I absolutely loved it when she would fill up her gas tank then ask him to go in and pay for it on his debit card. Or they would order a bunch of food at a drive through on their way home from picking him up at the airport with the expectation that he would pay for it. Of course the charge would not be approved and she would be left mortified with no way to pay for a tank full of gas or a pile of food. }:)
One of my personal favorites was when Sperm GrandMa would call and ask us to send them the CS back for the times SS was in Sperm Land on visitation. CLICK!! BUZZZZZZ was our response every time she made that call.
The point is that the kids need the facts and the toxic opposition needs to feel the pain of their idiocy.
It is sad when kids are put in the middle as BM is doing to your Skids. Arm them with the facts.
The problem is with helping these morons is that they do not use any additional money on the kids. They use it to free up other money to do what they want like get tattoos or buy a new snow board or buy game cards or video games or ....... If they weren't spending money on that crap to begin with they could afford to put gas in their car and groceries on the shelf to feed the Skids.
I would not be delivering groceries to the BM's house because she is too F-in stupid and selfish to do her duty to her kids. Rather I would call CPS and get the kids removed from her home.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Before anyone starts sharing
Before anyone starts sharing the CO and any information about the court proceedings and information about BM I would suggest calling your attorney. In most states this is frowned upon and usually is listed in the CO or the court proceedings as to not be shared with minor children. It is considered a form of PAS and cause a loss of parenting time as well as supervised visitation. If BM is savvy and hears about it she can take her ex back to court and get him held in contempt or reamed out over it. She can also ask for the moon and probably get it in the face of such blatant foolishness. This is something that will backfire and hurt OP in the end.
I understand the desire to do
I understand the desire to do this but I have to say if DH did this with his kid, the judge would have been all over his ass in two seconds.
She was very clear about the contents of the CO and that it was for the adults only. In fact, she always referred to DH"s kid as "The Child".
Instead of filling the BMs
Instead of filling the BMs fridge and I know you can't tell her what to do with the support $$$, but i would pick the kids up every night feed them to make sure they eat right, then return them to the BM. She can starve!